Girl Looked Innocent... Then She Said This! | Full Crowd Work Show (19 minutes) - MICHAEL BLAUSTEIN

Ma'am in the middle, you okay, you good? She's shy as f**k. Alright. Why do you think you're so shy, ma'am? I don't know. This is probably the worst moment of your life, huh? Should I stop or should I keep talking to you? You greedy b**ch. That's crazy. Is this your boyfriend? Do you wear condoms? What the f**k is wrong with you? And then yell that in front of 800 people. Bro, you really came out your ******* shell. That was insane. Are you guys together? Yeah? F**k yeah, dude. No? You guys not together? I'm so ******* confused right now. She's saying no and he's saying f**k yeah. F**k yeah. Are you guys ******* or not? Why is it so complicated? Is that your cousin or not? 26 years. Congratulations. That's great. Thank you so much. That's beautiful, man. Do you have any advice to share with me? Because I'm in a new relationship. I want to make it last. Any cool advice? Excuse me? I'm always right? You're going to get divorced in two minutes. If you're single, bro. Jesus Christ. Okay. Do you have any advice, ma'am? Happy spouse, happy house. Oh, s**t. She gives head, bro. He comes home from work. Lumber yard is ******* bulls**t. They're charging me. Oh, f**k. Oh, this is better than my cousin. Sir, do you guys have any kids? Five kids. Jesus Christ. Okay. Basketball team. That's a lot of people. Was that always the plan, sir? To have a lot of kids? Not really. They just kind of happen. What are the names? Do you know the names? Shane, Austin, Miranda, Travis. God, your voice is crazy. Margo, Austin, Travis, You cannot know. Did you always talk like that, even like a baby? Give me your tits. That's so crazy. Did you really? Did you talk like, even as a kid, and then it happened? It was like that forever? Since puberty. So you were like a kid. So you went through puberty at what? Twelve? What the f**k? Dude, that's crazy, dude. No pedophile was even going to touch you. White van comes up. Do you want some candy? I would like some candy. Alright, man. What the f**k? Get this motherf**king demon kid the f**k. That's safe. That's a good plan. That's like mace for pedophiles. Hello. Okay, f**k that. F**k that. I got body hair. Ew. Oh, ******* disgusting. I got too real at the end. That's so funny, man. What do you do for work, sir? You look very handy. Railroad. That makes ******* sense, dog. Oh, my God. Look at you. You don't even need a ******* hammer. You just spike that s**t with your god damn head. I'm going to god damn lunch. What does working on the railroad mean? I don't even know what the f**k. I mean, I know there's a song about the f**k you do, but I ought to live long day. We track maintenance. Excuse me, sir? Track maintenance. Yeah, we put in new rails, new tires. Oh, so you do put in new rails. Holy s**t, dude. Let me see your hands. God damn. Your d**k probably hates you. Chuck E. Cheese. Ow. I don't know why you got a Chuck E. Cheese doing that. That's for you and God. Oh, sorry. Wow, man. Okay. How did you get into that, sir? I got my CDLs. Got your CDLs? Look at me. Do you think I know what the f**k that means? Dude, I don't eat carbs. Do you think I know what the f**k that means? I can't eat Greek yogurt or I will s**t in a Home Depot bucket. You think I know what the f**k that means? Dude, I'm like 81% gay. You think I know what the f**k that means, dude? I got my CDL on the A.I.L. Is that just a license? It's a railroad license? Commercial driver's license. Oh, you drive trucks, too? You drive the trucks for the railroad? What? Oh, you drive the trucks with the s**t? With the railroad s**t? The fuel trucks and the log trucks. Log trucks? Dude, what year is it here? The log trucks? What in the Oregon? Log trucks? With logs? It's 1941 here? What the f**k? Nah, I'm just joking. I don't know anything about it, man. I don't know s**t about s**t, man, but I appreciate what you do because I know if you didn't exist, I would be f**ked. So, thank you so much. I would be f**ked. See, this is the thing, man. I would sit down. Oh, hey, you want a pee-pee? You want a pee-pee? You know I'm talking to you. You want a pee-pee? F**k, I lost him. I can't see him anymore. What? Is he right there? What a white girl thing to do. He's right here. F**king get him. I'll call the police. Go, get him. I'm just joking. Okay, man, thank you. But I know I really do appreciate people like you, man, because if the apocalypse happened, I would have to follow you, man, because I don't even know where north is right now. Do you know what I mean? Are you good with directions? I'm assuming you're good with directions. Isn't that insane? This is not really a test, but maybe it is. Can you tell me where north is right now? Is your compass broken? What's up? Take too long. The zombies already ate us, motherf**ker. Say again, sir? Which side of the building are we on? I don't know where I am. State, I mean. Say again? North is that way. Okay. Isn't that *******... How do you do that, b**ch? I'm serious, man. If you asked me where north was, I'd just be like, up. I would say up. But dude, how do you... When you look, when you feel... Do you feel like in your... How do you know... Do you just know in your brain? Sort of. Did you lose batteries? What happened? I asked you a question and you're 19 seconds in response. Okay. Thank you so much for all your goddamn service. And what does your beautiful wife do? Actually, I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm making you talk for her. Ma'am, what do you do? I work at a museum. You work at a museum. That is literally the complete opposite of what the f**k he does. This motherf**ker, all the live long day beating goddamn s**t into the motherf**king ground and you're like, this is Harriet Tubman. She... Actually, both railroad. I thought that was going to be a much bigger reaction. F**k you guys. Oh, you got railroad stuff at a museum? Okay. F**k yeah, man. How did you get into the museum stuff? You read a lot of books? No, actually, I'm head of cleaning. Head of cleaning? Damn, at the museum and your house. That's what's up. I'm just doing jokes, daddy. I have five kids. I might as well make it a fashion show. Oh, five kids. Oh, damn. So you're the head of cleaning at the museum and you feel like you got to clean up at the house too. What's the oldest kids? The oldest one, he is 33. 33? That motherf**ker lives at a house? Ma'am? Okay, no. I would have hit him with a goddamn railroad. I thought he lived at home. He lives with his wife's parents. So he is a loser. No, I'm just joking. God, dude. If I was your kid, you could just open your mouth. I would do whatever you wanted. Anything. Make a sandwich. Alright, I'll make a sandwich. Damn, man. They did a great job. Please. You got a shirt on that says retired drug dealer. Are you retired? Yeah. They gave you a pension? Say again, sir? I got a prison number. You went to jail? God damn. That'll make you retire quick. Nothing makes someone a retired drug dealer faster than a d**k in the ass. You know what I mean? I'm done drugs forever. I'm just joking. How long were you in the clinic for, sir? Is the service bad on this b**ch? Two years. What did you go to jail for? I mean, I know you went for drugs, but were you like a drug mule with coke in your ass? How did they... I never got caught. You never got caught? Yes, you did though. You got caught, sir. You didn't get caught with the actual drugs. So how did they get you? Three DUIs. That's too many. Two DUIs and you go, you know what I'm doing tonight? And did you just not learn your lesson, sir? I didn't get in trouble yet. You didn't get in trouble yet? What do you mean? I got like three. You got three? Oh, you didn't get sentenced on the first one. Okay, so have you ever heard of a service called Uber? Not where you're from. They have no Uber. Where are you from, sir? Mercer, Pennsylvania. They don't have no Uber there? No. Okay, well there's a gap in the marketplace, man. Maybe you should drive a motherf***** Uber and make a trillion dollars. Okay. So how was jail? Two years in jail. How was that? Sucked. Would you learn anything? I watch jail TikTok, dude. There's a lot of cool s**t they can make. You can make like you can take the mattress and make it like a flashlight or something. Anything cool you made? A hammock? Out of what? You said a suicide blanket? What the f**k is that? What does a suicide blanket serve? You can't rip it. You can't rip it? They take your clothes, they put you in the hallway, naked? When you fight? Naked? Oh, I would fight all the time. Give me eight. Let me see that d**k. Go outside. Okay, so a suicide blanket means you can't rip it? Oh, you can't hang yourself? Girl, that's ******* dark as s**t. Okay. Jesus Christ. Alright, but you feel better? You did it two years. You're no more selling drugs, no more DUIs? Great, man. What are you doing now, man? Congratulations on becoming a ******* reformed human being. I'm focused on my sobriety. I'm like five and a half years old. Five and a half years old, man. Congratulations. Holy s**t, man. That is so ******* cool, man. Damn. Okay, what was your favorite drink of choice? Or did you do it all? Drinks? What did you do? I smoked meth. You smoked meth? Sir! Sir! Hey! Alright, this is cool. What's the weirdest thing you ever did to get meth? Please say suck a d**k. Please. Just say that. Say again, sir? There's so many people on meth that are gay as hell. There's so many people that are on meth that are gay as hell. Okay, you think meth made them gay? Or they would just come out the p**sy like, Ew! I like meth. It makes it worse. Oh f**k, it makes you horny. Does meth make you horny? It does. Horny, horny. Did you know him when he was horny? Ma'am? Ma'am? Oh my God. You probably ******* made him smoke meth. You're an a**hole. He's probably so tired from jail, he's like, Smoke meth, baby. I'm wet. Oh, God damn it. Why am I a little gay? Crazy. Well, man, I know I'm ******* around, but congratulations on your sobriety, man. That's ******* awesome. Ma'am, are you okay? Ma'am in the middle, you okay? You good? She's shy as f**k. Alright. Ma'am, why do you think you're so shy? Her name's Daphne. Shut up, b**ch. F**king yelling out on the side of the guy. I got it! Why do you think you're so shy, ma'am? Oh, no. Excuse me, ma'am? I don't know. You don't know? Okay. Okay. That's okay. You can be shy. This is probably the worst moment of your life, huh? Okay. Should I stop or should I keep talking to you? You seem very nice. I can keep talking to you? You greedy b**ch. That's crazy. All the time, she's like, I don't know who I am. But talk to me, though. It's a lot. I'm just joking. Is this your boyfriend? You guys look very, very beautiful together. How old are you, sir? 22. Goddamn. You fresh as a motherf**ker right out of the goddamn factory. And how old are you, ma'am? How many? 19, 22. Alright. That's fine. I'm just joking. That's very beautiful, ma'am. Do you wear condoms? And then yell that in front of 800 people. I want it all, but he won't. This p**sy b**ch. Ooh, I like Jesus. Shut the f**k up. F**k till I bleed. That was too much. I'm sorry. An enigma of a woman. Excuse me? Bro, you really came out of your ******* shell. That was insane. Dude, ask her if she was okay, because she was literally sitting like this. Like, I'm here. She's sitting like this. She's looking at you. Like, literally just talking to her boyfriend. So I thought something was ******* wrong, but it turns out she was like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And then 11 seconds later, she's like, oh, f**k him in the mouth. You're like, what? F**k him in the mouth with what? My big-ass c**k. F**k you. Okay. Okay. Okay. Good. You really came out your shell. Well, this is good. This is good. Maybe you don't live in the shadow of being selfish, because I feel like that's the first impulse. Like, I'm so shy. Maybe you're not. Maybe you're not. Maybe you're not shy. Look, 800 people yelling this wild s**t. Good for you. Good for you. Maybe you're not shy. Okay? Maybe, you know, you're not shy. Ma'am, look at me. Okay. So you put the condom on and she would rather not condom. Okay. Do you take birth control? I got the rod shoved up my arm. The rod shoved up your arm? I've just never heard of the... What is that? The rod up the arm? Dude, I know someone who does rods real well. He could get that s**t out. Just a big-ass train track. What the hell is this?