Jimmy Doesn't Hold Back Against Rachel Riley and Carol Vorderman | 8 Out of 10 Cats

Rachel, come on, you're good at maths, do the scores, quickly do the scores, add up the scores, quickly, do the maths. There's no music, there's no music. There's no... OK, 17 times 35. No, not without the music. Not without the music. Come on, quick, 17 times 35. Is it 595? That is the correct answer. Did you know, for example, the average mum has one hour a day to themselves? That's the thing with mums, selfish. 25% of lap dancers have university degrees. Yes, most of them... Carol there, just getting the last joke. Or remembering something that happened earlier in her life, who knows? 25% of lap dancers have university degrees. Yes, most of them have a tutu and a French maid's outfit and a police uniform. You're intelligent, you're famous for being intelligent, you believe in aliens. Well, my mum used to be part of an alien search club. They had membership cards and everything, and they used to go to this windmill in Raleigh and have little meetings. I think she went dogging and she didn't want to tell you. Where are you going? We're looking for aliens, love. There were flashing lights. The car was covered in plasma. They came right up to the windmill. The car was covered in plasma. I know! I haven't been fully supportive of that kind of thing, but, yeah, Stephen Hawking would believe in aliens. There's more chance that they're out there than they're not. It'd be pretty solidistic to believe it was just us, wouldn't it? Yeah, plus there's people like Jimmy, kind of bridging the gap. I mean, there's something different about you, isn't there? How dare you? I'm a robot built on Earth. Most unattractive habit? I think, Jimmy, one of the most unattractive habits is when you're talking to a man and then he's just looking at you and not actually listening to what you say, so then when you ask him a question... ..then when you ask him a question, he says, -"Pardon?" -"What?" The German people will be very pleased to find out about this. That programme on Channel 4, The Food Hospital. The Food Hospital? People that are sick go there and they get cures with different diets and stuff, but it's really good for making you eat healthily, or just not eat, cos it's on at, like, 8 o'clock, cos the last couple of times we've been eating and it's on, and they're doing this fibre challenge and they keep showing you different pictures of poo while you're trying to eat. So you're saying your dieting tip is, look at pictures of poo while you're eating? Well, it puts you off your food. I think you want to go with a guy who's got more than one channel. If you come round my house, we'll watch the football, we'll stick The Simpsons on, I've got DVDs. I've got my whole works. If you don't like watching ---- while you eat... ..then that is the worst proposition that's ever been made. Jason's team, what do you think they've been talking about this week? Exciting VAT news. Yeah, 2.5% has come off VAT. What are we even still doing here? Let's get to the shops. I mean, we are going to rush out, obviously, because something that cost £100 last week, next week it's going to cost, wait for it, £97.87. I'm very excited about the 2.5%. Are you? That's marvellous. Cos I can finally get that kettle I've had my eye on. It's very tempting me, but I've always gone... The one that's got the light on, that when you switch it on it goes red when it boils... I've got that one, if you like. ..and then it goes to blue. What do you think the nation have been talking about? Well, I'd say it's our dear old pal in America, Lord Trump, the evil. He's fired James Comey, who's the head of the FBI, for investigating Trump into what was some probably dodgy dealings with Russia, and so now he's fired him in quite a dramatic way. And I'd say even Kim Jong-un's a bit like, come on, mate, this is a bit bad. I think Trump misses The Apprentice and just wants to fire someone on telly again. He wrote this really weird letter that said, it's definitely, definitely, definitely nothing to do with Russia, and thank you, thank you, thank you for not investigating me. I'm not being investigated, I'm not being investigated, you're fired, nothing to do with that, have fun. He's basically doing the political equivalent of like, hey, guys, look over there, ooh! So whatever country, it's always Russia, isn't it? That Putin's a right nosy bastard, isn't he? Jeremy Corbyn's upped his game this week, but it feels a bit too late. He's come out with some amazing stuff about zero-hour contracts and not selling arms to Saudi and all this kind of stuff, but I feel a bit like he's had a Viagra at the end of the orgy. They're pulling on their jeans, asking for a glass of water from the host. Like, it just feels like a little too late. I just feel like he's offering so many things. He wants to scrap tuition fees that Labour put in to start with, and he's offering money for NHS. It's like he's skipping through a field of flowers, just, like, tossing stuff around, where he can't actually get any of it done, and he's got Diane Abbott saying he's going to pay all these... Oh, God. ..police people £30,000 to pay it. Oh, she thinks the election's on the 49th of July. Have a look at this. I love that, because it's just got more oomph about it, it's got more life about it than, you know, men normally do to women. Yeah, but, Carol, you should see the state of the shed they built. How did you get proposed to? Which time? It was different in those days, wasn't it? It was. Yeah, we were riding on the back of a hay cart. I thought you were going to say triceratops. Top cause of family arguments. Oh. Incest. I mean, it's going to be a big argument, but I don't think it's going to be the biggest necessary. A couple that went, they couldn't get pregnant, and they went to the doctors to see why, and they turned out they were twins. Twins?! They were twins. They were adopted, but they didn't know they had a... Oh, that's bad. It was their birthday, and everyone used to joke, like, oh, that's funny, cos they used to celebrate it together, and then it's only when they went to China, they couldn't conceive, that they found out. Oh, my God. That was always my biggest fear, when people say, oh, you date someone who looks like you. Who would you date that looks like you? How am I going to date someone who looks like me? Is this what your life looks like? Like, this is a picture of your wife? All right, not that. Is it trapdoor comparison websites? What's that? You know, trapdoorsupermarket.com. You could just look at different trapdoors and decide which is the best one to buy. Is it... Oh, it's porn, innit? I didn't want to say it, but... Prawns. No. Prawns. Not prawns, no. I was going to say, that's a bit specialist, Carol. It's got... I think it's porn, innit? I mean, the only one I've seen recently is... I'm sorry, you don't know him, but... No, I was just like... No, cos when I knew we were doing a digital special, I thought, well, it's research, innit? So... Jason, come on, we're doing the show, man. For God's sake. There's nothing more difficult than trying to close a screen when your wife comes into the room. That little cross at the top gets smaller and smaller. Cos you can't even look at it directly, cos you think, I've got to keep eye contact with her so she doesn't look at the screen. You just go, hiya, love, you all right? Is it about there? Is it about there? Is it there? You're all right, I think it'll be fine. I think it's probably... I think it's probably men who use it more. Do you think it's men who use it more? I don't think many women actually go looking... I think there's a lot of stuff aimed specifically at... Cos the thing about the internet pornography, as opposed to pornography as it used to be, in wooded areas... That's how pornography used to live. Someone would buy it in a newsagent and then very kindly leave it in a wooded area for no real... And you would see a shimmer of porn on the horizon. Release it back into the world. Most people secretly want to do another job. What would you do, Jon, if you weren't doing this? I'd quite like to be a milkman. I'm a real buzzer at giving people milk, but... In my experience, unless you've got the uniform, it's weird. I've got a friend who's a zookeeper and it is an amazing job. Is this true, really? He's got a dangerous wild animal rescue facility in Woking, this little house in Essex. There's an emu and he gave me an emu egg, which looks like a dino egg, it's bright green, and I made an omelette out of it the other day. Is this a rescue centre for the animals? Yeah. Because you're eating some of them. We didn't get the funding we were hoping for, so... Beaky hasn't got a boyfriend, so you're not eating... It wouldn't be an emu, it's not fertilised, it's just an egg. Go very nicely with the leopard bacon. Let's get some answers on this. Most people secretly want to do another job. True or false? You're going to go... True! True. Jon? We think it's true. OK, I can tell you the answer is true. 54% of people secretly want to do another job. Jon, Fern, Carol, what have the nation been talking about this week? Lots of different things. Well done, Carol. We could probably just end round one there, can we? Mother's Day. Mother's Day, yes. You're a mum. I am a mum and I actually have a mother as well. Yeah, she's remarkable. Fascinating stuff, we're all... We chat about all sorts of things, my mother and I. Do you want the weirdest conversation you've had with your mum? Well, it was actually last week, cos I got my daughter picked up from uni and we went into Nana's and... Is Nana's like Nando's? No, Nando's my mum. Oh, OK. And she's got her iPad out and my daughter goes, what's that, Nan? She said, you're on Facebook. Nana, that's my account. And my mum is stalking my daughter's Facebook account. She says, oh, no, I've got hundreds of friends on it. She said, no, they're my friends, Nana. Your Nana is stalking your daughter as well? Why don't you get together and talk? She said, oh, I go to bed half an hour early and I read up about all these different people. What's this thing here? I think she might mean Tinder. No, saying no, no, no, yes, yes. Have you ever illegally downloaded anything? I don't think so, no, but I do download apps, but I pay for those all the time. I love the apps. You're loving the apps, yeah. I'm loving the apps on the iPhone. My favourite is iFart at the moment. I know it's childish, but it's caused me a laugh. iFart? What does that do? 49p. It's great. 49p? You could have brought Sprouts. It's got all the different sounds and they've given it, like, squelcher, squeezer, rabbit thingy, da-da-da, and they're all different fast sounds. You're the real Carol Vorderman. Did we book the wrong...? I wanted to be the clever one off the show with the numbers. Who did we book? Who's she? I find a heavy drinker on a date very much a positive. If they're hammered, I'm, you know... It's very different for the man or the woman. It's a clincher. The men might try and push drinks on the women, but the woman can't really do anything with the drunk man. Yes, you can. What are you going to go for? Probably heavy drinking is worse. I can tell you, you are right. 63% of people said someone who drinks too much is worse than a fussy eater. I think a fussy eater is worse. If she won't put that in her mouth, she's not going to like what I've got planned for dessert. Carol, would you ever go into the jungle? What would it take? No, I wouldn't go into the jungle. Do you get offered it every year? Yeah. Shall I tell you how much they offered me this year? Yeah, yeah, of course. £250,000. £250,000? And you went, no, I'm not doing it, not worth it? Can I go dressed in a marl? I think it was £250,000. I'm not very good with numbers. 25. Carol, were you pleased that they stayed? Well, I just thought it's up to them, really. You know, things change, don't they? Things develop. Are you breaking up with me? It's kind of time to move on, Jimmy. Don't worry, I've still got the photos. It's an odd percentage of people that wanted to go, isn't it? Cos it was. As much as it was, you know, 54%, it's almost half. They kept saying, we won safely. Like, it doesn't feel very safe. If you had five kids and you went down for breakfast one morning and they went, we had a vote in the morning, two of us want to kill you in our sleep. The other three are all right with it. But we're not going to tell you which one's which. We shouldn't give away the result of the referendum cos some people might have taped it. Carol, do you like a fancy dress party? I love a fancy dress party. What's the best outfit you've ever rocked? Well, when I had my last big fancy dress party, oh, it was fantastic. You host? Yeah. Oh, you host them, I love them. Yeah, the 70s, it was fantastic. I had an afro wig that was that big and a little toga thing and some very high silver boots and it was, oh, we had the blast, it was fabulous. I really enjoyed that party, it was brilliant. I know. I wasn't invited. No, I know. Jon, Rachel, Tim, what do you want to answer a question on? Can we have the lady with the knife and fork? She looks angry about what's about to happen and I want to find out why. OK, all right, well, your related question, OK, worst thing on a date, a fussy eater or someone who drinks too much? If they're a fussy eater, you just eat their food. Done. I'm happy. See, that would be a good thing for you, a positive thing. That would be fine, as long as they actually go to the restaurant to start with, cos I did go out with someone that would only eat, like, yellow stuff. When I was younger. He'd only eat, like, chicken nuggets and chips, so... So you'd go out to a restaurant and go, do you have anything yellow? You'd go to a custard house. One of London's very fine custard houses. How many dates did you have with this guy? I went out with him for three years. What?! What else? There must be something more upbeat we could talk about. What else have people been talking about? Another Bond movie? Yeah! Another one. I'm so excited. We've got Homeland now, we don't need Bond anymore. You've got Homeland, we don't need Bond? Yeah. Homeland's way better than the Bond movies. What are you saying? I don't know. I went to see one, I went to see Casino Royale, cos they billed it as it's nothing like a Bond film, it's totally different. And it was just another Bond film. But it was a Bond film! Yeah, I know! If you're an issue with a Bond film, it's just a Bond film! It's darker and grittier. It'd be darker if he had to get Ryanair flights everywhere. Bond kneeling beside the check-in desk, stuffing underwear in his pocket. I bought your DVD at Christmas as well. Quite rightly, they offer you things that you think would be associated, and there was an inflatable bondage chair that came up on mine. There must have been some other things that you bought as well. I'll tell you what you would love. They were also offering Mein Kampf. Tonight, Jimmy, you might like Mein Kampf. It's a book by a young writer called Adolf Hitler. Nein, nein, nein! The recommendations is an odd thing, because I don't mind buying stuff on Amazon, but when the recommendations come up, I do sometimes think, is that me? I've got to change. I used to be on the Wide Awake Club, and obviously Timmy was one of the presenters. This is my favourite ever. Before you even start, this is my favourite ever name-drop story. One of my best friends. Timmy Mellor, yeah, we hang out, whatever. There's a gentleman in Bristol who has been his agent for 27 years, and he's been mine for 22 years. Busy job. Can you imagine when the phone goes, what's that noise? What do you think people have been talking about over the last week? Is it Strictly Come Dancing is back on our screens? And lighting up Saturday night. A whole nation of people. I should host it. Strictly Come Dancing, I can't say it, but I could host it. How come you're not one of the judges? You'd make an excellent judge on that. Because they've already got their... I would be an excellent judge, yeah, you're right. I would, I'd be ******* great. I'm on the ice. You're on the ice? I do the ice. Would you ever consider going on it, Rachel? I would suck. I had my... Would you? Would it get through? I did do one hour with a Strictly Come Dancing ex-pro for our wedding. Did you? You thought, I'll treat myself before I... No, my husband made me. It wasn't anything to do with me. Oh, to learn to dance, I'm sorry. Sean, your team to go first. What do you think people use the internet for? Well, Carol, you're on the internet. I'm on the internet all the time. I tell you what I do, I shop on the internet. I buy absolutely everything on the internet. You're not worried about fraud and all that sort of stuff? No. You're not worried about people licking your identity and that? No. I bet your password is proper confusing, though, isn't it? You've got an amazing password that you've actually got to solve three sums to get the password. I quite like Chris Martin, I quite like Gwyneth. What do you make of Gwyneth? Me? Yeah, what do you make of Gwyneth? Oh, I don't know, like most people, I think it's just a bit smug and sort of pain in the arse, really. Are you moving in there, Carol? What do you mean? Are you moving in on Chris? No. He's a bit too old for me. OK, we've got one more thing to get. Fingers on buzzers. Go on, Sean. Is it the bomb? Pants bomber. The guy who put a bomb in his underpants, and he had no metal in it, which is obviously very bad news because it means now when you go through security you've got to take your belt and your shoes off. Next you're going to have to go onto the plane with your pants in a cellophane bag. My favourite fact about that is apparently it was supposed to be a mistranslation and it's not 72 virgins, it's 72 grapes. You'd be a bit fucked up, wouldn't you? You'd blame yourself. 72 grapes? Grapes, white grapes. And even virgins isn't great, is it? Give me one girl who knows what she's doing. The only time I've ever spent an evening with a footballer was a long, long, long time ago. Don't tell me everything. No, no, no, I just happened to be standing next to a footballer and there were a lot of girls who were handing their number to him and all sorts of things to him. Were you adding up all the numbers and dividing them? OK, your related question. 63% of women avoid exercise because they think it makes them look stupid. True or false? Jimmy, can I just point out that when they cut your shot up the only words in that are look stupid above your head. Jon's team, what do you think the nation have been talking about this week? Sex box! Matt, you seem genuinely excited, sex box, tell me all about it. They have sex in a box, the cameras aren't in the box so you can't see and consenting couples go in there and they have sex and then they come out and there's a panel of experts and then they just sit there and they get asked about what happened in there and they say, yeah, we did it. Hang on, hang on, I want to know more about this because I haven't actually seen this before. It's like a porno version of The Cube. They should do it in The Cube, at least you'll be able to see what they're getting up to. Yeah. Howard Vorderman has said that kids should learn maths compulsorily until they're 18. I mean, that's ridiculous, that's like 40 years. She said they should do it. No, it's 18 years. Where did you get him from? He said it's increasingly important to be mathematically literate in the workplace. As if, at what point wasn't it? And why would you commission a maths report from someone who is good at maths but unemployed? It's not my fault. It's a little bit your fault. I didn't feel like people are actually that bad at maths until I saw... It seems bad stuff, though. What's the worst maths you've seen? I was in a programme with dispatchers and they were looking at this school that had implemented this magical new teaching of maths and I met an 11-year-old girl that couldn't work out 500 minus 499. This was after a year of their new magical teaching. 500 minus... 499. Can you hold up the fingers? I'm going to need everyone's fingers, sorry. How many fingers in one hand? Five. How many fingers in ten hands? Oh, ----. Yeah. No, what? Ask him again, ask him again. It's not difficult, it's your top's not done up. Do your top up and then we can get on with the maths. Ask me a question with 11 in it. What do you think? Is it the spate of people tipping ice buckets? Oh, Ice Bucket Challenge. ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Did you do it? Well, I did, yeah, I did do it, but instead of ice water, I had sort of warm water and instead of tipping it, I sort of climbed into it. I had a lovely bath. Carol, you did it, didn't you? I've done it, yeah, I did it. Carol Vorderman did do it, yeah, in some style, I would say. Shall we take a look at Carol's? Yes. Who nominated you? Red Arrows nominated me. The Red Arrows nominated... What, all of them? All of them, cos they did it the night before. There's going to be a story here. Hang on a second. Well, they were all sitting in formation, apparently, the night before and had... So they were sitting in formation. Ice tipped over them. And then they had to nominate... You had to nominate three people, OK? So they said they nominated the Chief of Air Staff, Prince Harry, and me. And I thought, oh, God. And that video went everywhere and I thought, well, I can't not do it now, can I? No, and it's a real compliment. Out of anyone they could have chosen, they chose you. They chose me, yeah. What did you do to piss off the Red Arrows? Carol, do you get stressed driving? Do I get stressed? No, I love driving. I love Top Gear. You know I love Top Gear. Shall we have a look at Carol on Top Gear? We'll have a little look. Now, the Liana. Oh, yes. I've just had a great day. I love the Stig. He was so good and he taught me how to do handbrake turns today. Well, that's not going to make you go very fast. No, it isn't. Pulling the handbrake on. Have you never done one before? No. So did that explain what happened when you were on one of your practice laps? The last one, I was just pushing it a little too far. Who'd like to see what happened on one of the practice laps? Here we go. Right, where are we now? Oh, it's the follow-through. Oh, a bit wide there. What is this? The last lap. That was quite close. Oh, this is great. This one's great. I have to say, I was fastest in the wet by four seconds. Fastest in the wet by four seconds. I forgot to issue Carol with the list of words you cannot say to Jimmy. You just can't say it. If it's raining, you have to say it's raining. Jeremy argued and he said it was only mildly moist. Now you're pretty much reading out the list. Carol, you were an education czar at some stage. You were a maths czar, weren't you? I did a maths report, yes, about two years ago. I was also involved in the introduction of the numeracy hour when Blair was prime minister and Blunkett was education czar. The numeracy hour. Yeah. Countdown. What did they do? How did footballers get off with women before mobile phones? Pigeon. Yeah. Pigeon. Just drew a picture of their cock on a bank statement. Bank statement. That's what it looks like. I can't draw, so I got Rio to do it. Rachel, you're a huge Manchester United fan. Yeah, I am. Have you met Ryan? I have, yeah. As well as fulfilling my dream of doing Times Tables to music, I did some work for MU TV last year. What was your first dream? Times Tables to music. That's my day job. You may have seen it. It's on Channel 4. Oh, yeah. So I was shown round Carrington, the United training ground, by Giggsie and Rio last year. Blimey. I think you had a lucky escape. It's a pretty extended euphemism. Shown round. Shown round, yeah. We started in the changing rooms. Don't call it that. There were cameras there the whole time. It was fine. I think I'm the only one old enough to remember all the blackouts of power cuts in the 70s. Also, when they introduced electricity. That must have been a threat. So what was it like? So in the 70s, of course, we had... So in the 70s, you had... Well, we had paraffin lamps and you had boxes of candles. Oh, I remember that. I think these days we're much better because candles are more varied. Much better scents. All right, here's your final question. Top way to waste time. What about you, Rachel? Presumably, I mean, Countdown's the main one. Well, Countdown, yeah. It's like going to regular life. So whenever I see, like, a three-digit number on a hotel door, I have to, like, factorise it. Or if I see a name, I have to put an anagram. So Tom Davis is an anagram of Sad Vomit. Right. Jamali Maddox is an anagram of Madam Jail Dicks. I fell over last year. I fell down the stairs and I broke my nose. Now, that does not make life more exciting. Although, ka-ching, down a stairlift advert... How did you fall down the stairs? I had high heels on and a rucksack. I always go round... High heels and a rucksack? Ooh, tell me more. And you were dressed as a beef eater? No, I always have a rucksack. I don't like handbags, so I can put both hands in my pockets. So when I trip... You can break your nose? Although I will say, if I... Maybe I'm too commonsensical, but if I am going down the stairs in high heels, I don't put my hands in my pockets. What's your guilty pleasure? I think it's when you're sitting on the toilet and you know you've got the toilet roll and it's got... One bit is slightly lower than the other bit, you know, cos it's two-ply. Someone's doing well. Two-ply. What you're meant to do is take the top bit over like that. Do you do this at home? And then you get it... And then they all measure up and you rip that bit off. No, but then you get out of sync. No, no. Why are you shitting in the sink? Carol Vorderman is so good with figures, why does she always insist on trying to squeeze hers into a dress that's clearly two sizes too small? And the award this evening for not laughing at a joke she clearly thought was funny goes to Rachel Riley. I've been in a river where you get the catfish just come up to your whole body and do it. The catfish come up to your whole body? Your whole body. You hold this food and wherever you hold it... You're so naive, those aren't catfish. Those of you that have paid good money to be there, Rachel. Where was it? In Borneo. You go in this river and these catfish, they're like that long and they come up to you and suck whichever bit you put your hand in. Really? I think it's got to be that thing that was about a year ago and then it stopped being something which was the toggle. Everything was a toggle. Your USB thing, you had to toggle. A dongle. A dongle, that was it, the dongle. See, you're so confused. Yeah, because they're hard. They don't dangle. The dongles don't dangle. They're actually hard, aren't they? You put them in. A dongle doesn't dangle because it's hard. I think you look really nice to me. I think you wear really nice tailored suits. You look a lot different to when you first started on telly, don't you? I'm just saying you look like you've got all... I've scrubbed up well. You've always dressed smartly. I remember you, what, 15-something years ago. Yeah, when you were at Eamonn Holmes. Yeah. Most people think their own nightmares are scarier than horror films. My friend, you need to take a girl on a first date to see Freddy vs Jason. And then on the way home, he bought her... Well, he didn't actually buy her, they went to KFC, but he wouldn't even treat her to the bucket. He wouldn't even treat her to the bucket. She had to split the bucket. He split the bucket? He didn't see a movie and then he split the bucket. Well, that sounds... That's the rudest thing I've ever said. Here's a fun fact. In 2008, a two-day power cut in Holland led to a 44% increase in the birth rate. Now, that's because you like to keep warm, you see. You go to bed and keep warm. She can't get away, it's dark, innit? What have the nation been talking about over the last week? Faster trains. Between Manchester, Leeds and London. Manchester's the next. Too fast. You'll have to change train impressions for kids. Like, it can't go... It won't do that, will it? It'll just go... They binned Concorde, which was really quick getting to the States, cos it cost too much money. But now they've decided to spend £30 billion just to go to Manchester. Are you saying we should get Concordes to Manchester? £30 billion, yeah. Well, for that kind of money, there's other things we could spend that money on. I mean, it's a huge amount. We could have a free bar on the train for 20 years.