The Ones with Rachel vs. Everyone Else | Friends

Come on out, honey. I'm telling you, you look good. Tell her she looks good. Tell her she looks good. You look so good. I cannot believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when you're nauseous. So don't. I don't see why we have to go to this thing anyway. It's your ex-fiancé's wedding. Because I promised Mindy I would. Yeah, well, you promised Barry you'd marry him. Look, you guys, I have to go. I'm the maid of honor. Besides, you know what? I just need to be in a room again with these people and feel good about myself. Hey, new wallet, huh? Uh, yeah, it was time. The old condom ring in the leather just doesn't say cool anymore, you know? Rachel, you just put an empty carton back in the fridge. Yeah, I know, but the garbage was full. Have you ever taken out the trash? Well, I, uh, thought you liked doing it. Third door on the left. Right. Hey, Mr. Trigger. Hey. Um, I'm sorry. It's a little old, but... Look, you're clogging up the chute. I just spent a half hour unclogging. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't... I don't come in here a lot. Oh, yeah, of course you don't. Because you're a little princess. Daddy, buy me a pizza. Daddy, buy me a candy factory. Daddy, make the cast of Cats sing happy birthday to me. What, you think you can just come in here, make a mess of big man in the coveralls, and come and clean it up, huh? Well, why don't you think of someone else for a change? Okay, I'm sorry. God, you're gonna cry about it. Hey, hello. Welcome home. So, how was the honeymoon? It was great, it was great, but how about you? I mean, you're having a baby. Oh, look, I have a sonogram picture. Oh, good. Ross, it's got your wavy black lines. All right, so now that Ross knows, can you tell us, you know, how it happened? I mean, when did it happen? How many times did it happen? Monica, that's not right. Start with where. Well, it happened about six weeks ago, and I had just gotten home from work, and Ross was already there, because I guess he'd been hanging out with Joey. You're welcome, buddy. Yeah, thanks. And so I had a lot of work to do, and Ross, nice guy that he is, offered to help me out, and then we had a little wine, we got to talking, and next thing you know, out of nowhere, Ross comes on to me. Oh, that's a little misleading. What is? The lie you just told. That you came on to me? There's the one. But you did. I mean, let's be honest. Yes, let's. You know what? It's not important. What's important is that we're having a baby, and it doesn't matter who came on to who. Whom. That's right. You know you kissed me first. What? You were begging me to kiss you. You were sending me signals all over the place. I was sending you signals? Yeah. Oh, please. Okay, anyone in this room think that I would actually send Ross begging signals? Please, show of hands. You know, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what people believe. What matters is what happened. Okay, well, so these signals, Ross, explain this to me, because maybe I need to be more careful. I mean, am I sending you these signals right now? You know what? Rachel, just drop it. No, please, show me how I begged you. I can show you. I have it on videotape. It's an expression. I wanted to. Interesting. Anyway, probably worked out for the best. Yeah, sure. Okay, in about ten seconds, you're going to see him kiss me. And in about five seconds, you're going to see why. Ross, did I ever tell you about the time that I went backpacking through Western Europe? Okay, get ready to see some begging. Oh, you came on to Ross. What? Now I'm so happy. What are you talking about? You used the Europe story. That's the magic story you use when you want to have sex. How do you know about that story? I heard it from my friend Irene, who heard it from some guy. Some guy. No, no. She told me that his name was Ken Adams. Monica, Monica, look at this lamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to have this. Rach, I think we have enough regular lamps. What? Oh, come on. I mean, it's not like I'm asking for this girly clock or anything. Which, by the way, I also think is really cool. It doesn't go with any of my stuff. Well, what about my stuff? You don't have any stuff. You still think of it as your apartment, don't you? No. Yes, you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just someone who rents a room. Okay, while you mmm on that for a while, I'm going to go find a place for my new lamp. Hey, Rach. Yeah? You know what we haven't played in a while? What? Hide the lamp. Okay, Monica, let it go. Did you know I was allergic to shellfish? Well, then you'll just have to eat the other lamps. It was an accident, I swear. All right, I was putting on my jacket, and the thing, and the lamp, and it broke. Oh, please, Monica. You've always hated my lamp. And now, all of a sudden, magically, it's just broken. Phoebe, tell her. Okay, I didn't see it, because I was putting on my jacket. But, um, I want to believe you. Hey, Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp. Neat. I'm going to die alone. Okay, you win. Hi, guys. Hey, Phoebe. Hey, oh, how did it go? Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said, we should do this again. Oh. What? He said we should do it again. That's good, right? Uh, no. Loosely translated, we should do this again means, you will never see me naked. Since when? Since always. It's like dating language. You know, like, it's not you means, it is you. Or, you're such a nice guy means, I'm going to be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you. Or, or, you know, um, I think we should see other people means, I already am. And everybody knows this. Oh, yeah. Cushions to blow. Yeah, it's like when you're a kid and your parents put your dog to sleep and they tell you it went off to live on some farm. That's funny. No, because our parents actually did send our dog off to live on a farm. Uh, Ross? Hey, Rach, come on. We're going to be late for the eye doctor appointment. Alright, let's get this over with. Ugh. Oh, no. Look what I did. Oh, look at this mess. I mean, we're going to probably have to clean this up, you know? I mean, we're going to have to reschedule. If you thought that this mess was going to bother me, you are wrong. Alright, let's go, Blinky. Timber. Oh, my God. What does that thing do? Uh, that's an eye removal machine. Alright, I'm out of here. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Uh-oh. Hi, Rachel. I'm Dr. Miller. Monica told me you were a little nervous, but don't worry, everything's going to be just fine. So we're done then. Almost, but first we've got to start. Okay. This is the glaucoma test. Uh-huh. Sit down. Okay. Put your chin here. Mm-hmm. Now, you're going to feel a small puff of air in each eye. What? A small puff of air. Now, come on! Here we go. Alright. One, two, three. Okay. I'm sorry. Alright. I'm going to stay in here this time. Okay. Ready? Uh-huh. One, two, three. I'm sorry. You know what? I'm going to hold her head. Okay. That's okay. Okay. One. Uh-huh. Two. I'm sorry. You know what? You're young. You probably don't have glaucoma. Okay. So it was very, very nice to meet you, sir. And I'm... Ow! Hey! What are you... Are you crazy? Okay. You have a small, minor infection in that left eye. I want you to take these drops three times a day for a week and you'll be as good as new. Yeah. No, I don't. I don't put things in my eye. Okay, then. I guess we'll see you back here in three months. Great. I'll fit you for a glass eye. Okay, just give me the damn drops. Dr. Miller. P-E-C-F-D. Very good, Monica. You know where they are. I sure do. And you don't get one. No, no, no. Okay. Not even close. Okay, well, then, you know what? Help me. I need help. I can't do this. All right, come on. Let's do it. Come on. All right. Sit down. All right. All right, put your head back. Yes. All right. Okay. Now open your eyes. Okay, they are. How many fingers am I holding up? Four. Oh, my God. I was thinking four. Really? Yes! All right, you know what? Why don't we start with a practice one? Okay? Okay. No drops. Great. Okay. All right. On three. One, two, three. My pillow's all wet. Well, well, you said it was practice. Then why did you move? Because I knew you were lying. All right, come here. What are you doing? Monica! Stop it! Oh, my God! Stop it! Now, I am going. Turn it over. Stop! I am, I am going. And get. Stop! Hey, get these drops in your eyes. Oh, my God, you really are freakishly strong. Stop! Oh, my God, stop it! Damn it, Cynthia! You know, if Joey and Chandler walked in right now, we could make a fortune. Can you pass me the TV guide? Yeah. We'll see you in about three or four hours. Oh, well, you're just the prettiest ballerina I've ever seen. Thank you. Oh, wow. That deserves another piece of candy. Thank you. Well, I have to say that earns two two pieces of candy. I love you. Oh, oh. Oh. Oh, honey, here, take it all. Monica, we need more candy. What? There's only been, like, four kids. Yeah, I know, but one of them just said that she loved me, so I just gave her everything. No wonder you're pregnant. Hey, Monica, it's Chip. Yes! Who's Chip? It was good running into you at the bank today, so here's my number. 555-9323. Give me a call. Later. Chip is Chip Matthews. The guy who took Rachel to the prom? Why is he calling you? Because I ran into him at the bank. He is still so cute. Monica, you're so lucky. He's, like, the most popular guy in school. I know! Chip, hi, it's Monica. Okay. Okay, goodbye. Oh, my God, we just had the best conversation. I was just leaving. Good, because I've got a product report to read. It's, like, eight pages. I hope I don't fall asleep. Why, did you write it? Whoa! Look at that! Chip Matthews called. Wonder what he wants. Well, uh, actually... I bet he sensed that I was ready to have sex with another guy. Well, um... Why don't you give him a call? Okay. Ahem. Are you sure you want to hear this? Oh, I'm sure. Chip, hi, it's Rachel. Rachel Green. Yeah, um, you left me a message? Yes, you did. My roommate wrote it down. Monica Geller? Oh. Oh, that's right. He called to ask out Monica. Son of a... That's gotta be embarrassing. Sorry, Pete. I guess I'm just really sad that I'm leaving. I'm gonna miss you so much. Well, this doesn't have to be so sad, though, you know? Maybe instead of just thinking about how much you're gonna miss each other, you should, like, think about some of the things that you're not gonna miss. I don't think there's anything. Come on, there's gotta be something. No, she's perfect. I have one. Great, okay, you can go first. Uh, well, I guess I'm not gonna miss the fact that you're never allowed to move the phone pen. Good, that's a good one. Okay, Monica, anything? You know, does Rachel move the phone pen? Odd sometimes. Always, actually. Okay, good, there you go. Doesn't everyone feel better? It's not just the phone pen. I never get my messages. You get your messages? Yeah, well, I don't think it really counts if you have to read them off the back of your hand after you've fallen asleep on the couch. So, so you missed a message from who? Chandler? Or your mom? Or Chandler? Or your mom? Great, it worked. No one's sad. All right, let's, uh, let's start with the cons, because they're more fun. Rachel first. I don't know. I mean, all right, I guess you can say she's, she's a little spoiled sometimes. You could say that. I guess, you know, sometimes she's, she's a little bitsy, you know? And I've seen her be a little too into her looks. Oh, and like, Julie and I, we have a lot in common because we're both paleontologists, right? But, I mean, Rachel's just a waitress. Waitress. Got it. You guys want to play Dune? Or we could keep doing this. What else? I don't know. Oh, her ankles are a little chubby. Okay, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her? She's not Rachel. Well, uh... He broke up with Julie. Well, go hug her, for God's sakes. Really? Really. It's always been you, Rach. Oh, God. Oh. Oh, this is good. This is really good. I know, I know, it's, it's almost... What do you say we go take a walk, just us, not them? Let me get my coat. Okay. No, hey, whoa, whoa. I'll get your coat. Okay. I want to get my coat. He's going to get my coat! Oh, my God! What's that? What? Nothing. I thought I saw my name. What is it? No, no. See? See? Hey, it's printing! Well, what is it? Let me see. Hey, someone order a coat? Ross, Chandler wrote something about me on his computer, and he won't let me see. He won't, he won't. Because, isn't that, isn't that the, the, the short story you were writing? Yes, yes, it is the short story that I was writing. In a minute? Well, let me read it. No! Hey, uh, why don't you read it to her? All right. It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. Oh, look, cried Ned. And then the kingdom was his forever, the end. That's it? That's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world! All right, all right. You know what? This isn't funny anymore. There's something about me on that piece of paper, and I want to see it. No, you don't. You know what? Fine. If you guys want to be children about this, that's fine. I do not need to see it. What is this? Dance, dance. Ross, what is this? Thank you. Good luck. Okay, just remember how crazy I am about you, okay? Kind of ditzy? Too into her looks? Spoiled? Now, that's a little spoiled. He was supposed to type little, the idiot. Just a waitress? Now, that was, uh... I mean, as opposed to, uh... The, um... Okay, is this over yet, Rach? Oh, I do not have chubby ankles. No, I... No, Rach, wait, wait, wait. Okay, okay, look at the other side. Look at Julie's column. She's not Racham? No. What the hell's a Racham? Is that some stupid paleontology word that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress? No. Rach, come on. Terry, I know that I haven't worked here very long, but I was wondering, do you think it would be possible if I got a hundred dollar advance on my salary? An advance? It's so that I can spend Thanksgiving with my family. See, every year we go skiing in Vail, and normally my father pays for my ticket, but I've sort of started this whole independent thing, you know, which is actually why I took this job. Rachel, Rachel, sweetheart. You're a terrible, terrible waitress. Really, really awful. Okay, I hear what you're saying. I'm with you. But I'm trying really hard, and I think I'm doing better. I really do. Does anybody need coffee? Yeah, over here. Morning. Hey. Hey, do you guys think you could close your eyes for just a sec? No, no, no. I'm not falling for that again. What's going on? Well, I sort of did a stupid thing last night. What stupid thing did you do? Buongiorno a tutti. Okay, Paolo, why don't you just go get dressed, and you'll be on your way, okay? Okay, okay. Bye-bye. Rachel, how did this happen? I don't know. I just kind of ran into him last night. Where? At his apartment. Is this juice? Whoa, whoa. And the fact that you dumped him because he hit on Phoebe? Oh, God, I know. I'm pathetic. I'm a loser. Honey, you're not pathetic. You're just, you're sad. Yeah, I mean, people do stupid things when they're upset. Oh, my God. If I had a nickel for every guy I wish I hadn't. How did work go? Oh, it was great. It was great. I went down there just like you said, you know, and we talked business. And Kim totally took my opinions. You stink. Thanks. No, I'm serious. Well, that's just because I went down there, and they were all smoking. This is actually the smell of success. Okay, there's something different. Oh, my God, you smoked. I did not. Yes, you did. You looked happy and sick. You smoked. All right, fine, but I had to. I had to do it for my career. I wish I had to smoke for my career. That's so gross. Well, no, it's not that bad, you know. It's, I mean, yeah, my tongue feels a little fuzzy, and my fingers sort of smell. I actually feel like I could throw up. Okay, but you've got to push past this, okay, because it's about to get so good. Chandler, I've got to tell you, you smell so smoky, I've got to get up. I'm not kidding. I think you smell great. You're not going to believe this. I was just saying goodnight to Emma, and she said her first words. What did she say? She said gleba. Make me rich. Isn't that amazing? Yeah, no, no, no, that's great. Why aren't you more excited? Uh, Rach, gleba's not a word. Well, of course it is. Okay, what does it mean? Well, I don't know all the words. I'm just glad I didn't miss my daughter's first word. Well, yes, you did. Gleba is a word. Okay, use it in a sentence. Okay, uh, Emma just said gleba. It's not a word. Okay, okay, okay, fine. I'm going to look it up. Oh, oh, okay, great. You know what? While you're at it, she said another word the other day. Why don't you, uh, why don't you look up... All right, okay, okay, gleba. Gleba, gleba, gleba! Ah, here it is! The fleshy, spore-bearing inner mass of a certain fungi. She's going to be a scientist. I think the check-in is that way. Ah. Oh, kids love me. Hey! I'm so excited! Yay! What did you do? What, did you go to a costume party? Let me guess. Um, ponchovia. And you're Bob Saget. Ponchovia? Yeah. What? What are you talking about, B? I don't know. Oh, my God, you drew on me? Hey, you wet my pants! Oh, what kind of party was this? Ross, I've been walking around like this since the plane. You have so crossed a line. Rach, wait. The men's room is that way. Rachel, do you have any muffins left? Uh, yeah, I forget which ones. Oh, you're busy. That's okay, I'll get it. Oh, thank you. Anyone else want one? No, thanks. Oh, you're losing your apron here. Let me get it. Oh. There you go. Thank you. What a bitch. Oh, listen, you guys. I have this friend at Bloomingdale's who's quitting tomorrow and he wants to abuse his discount. So, anyone who wants to come with me and take advantage of it? No, I can't. I have to take my grandmother to the vet. Okay, um, I'll go with you. Great. Okay. Hi, honey. Hey, sweetums. Say hello to the rest. Hi. Monica, what are you doing? You can't go shopping with her. What about Rachel? This is gonna be a problem, isn't it? Oh, come on. You're going to Bloomingdale's with Julie? It's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship. Monica, she will kill you. She will kill you like a dog in the street. So, uh, Jules tells me you guys are going shopping tomorrow? Oh, yeah, um, it's actually not that big a deal. It's a big deal to me. This is great, Monica. I really appreciate it. You're welcome. Hey. Where is everybody? They took Ben to the park. Where have you been? Just out. Had some lunch. Just me. A little quality time with me. Hey, thanks for your jacket. Oh, no problem. You can borrow it, by the way. Oh, here are your keys, hon. Okay. Mom? Mm-hmm? If you were at lunch alone, how come it cost you $53? You know what probably happened? Someone must have stolen my credit card. And sort of just put the receipt back in your pocket. Huh. That is an excellent, excellent question. That is excellent. Monica, what's with you? Who did you have lunch with? Judy. Who? Julie. What? Jody. You were with Julie? Oh, look. When it started, I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then one thing led to another, and before I knew it, we were shopping. Oh, my God. Wait, we only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me. Yeah, right. Really? Sure. Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right? I never meant for you to find out. Oh, please, please. You wanted to get caught. That is not true. Oh, so you just sort of happened to leave it in here? Did it ever occur to you that I might just be that stupid? Okay, Monica, I just have to know one thing. Did you go with her to Bloomingdale's? Okay. Okay, I just really, um... I just really need to not be with you right now. Look, I feel really bad about how I freaked you out before, so I called the father and asked him to meet you here so you could tell him. Go. Hey, wait a minute. Baby, how do you even know who the father is? I may play the fool at times, but I'm a little more than just a pretty blonde girl with an ass that won't quit. I believe this belongs to the father of your baby. Oh, God. Oh, he's in there right now? Uh-huh. Now, you can turn around, or you can go in there and rip the band-aid off. What do you want to do? Uh... Let's rip. Really? Are you sure? Oh, Phoebe. Okay, sorry, yeah. Hey, Rach. So, what's this about? Rachel has something that she wants to tell you, and, um, I believe that this is your red sweater? No. This is my red sweater. Oh, no. Could I get anyone a coffee? Or... Poison? No? Just for me? Okay. What's going on, Rach? Nothing. Phoebe kind of made a mistake. But, you know, you do wear that sweater a lot. Are you involved in some kind of dare? You know, I'm actually glad Phoebe called. I know we broke up because you thought I wasn't mature enough, but I've really grown up, and I think we should get back together. Oh, it's just not the right time. It is the right time. Okay. I'm ready for more. Tag. Come on, Rach, let's give it another try. I'm having a baby. Oh. You can go. Thank you. Hey, could you stop what you're doing? I need envelope stuffers, I need stamp lickers. Oh, hey. Who did these resumes for you? Me, on my computer. Oh, you sure used a large font. Uh, yeah. Well, a waitress at a coffee house and a cheer squad co-captain only took up so much room. Funny. You're funny, Chandler. You're a funny guy. You know what else is really funny? Something else I might have said? I don't know, I don't know. Weren't you the guy that told me to quit my job when I had absolutely nothing else to do? Sweetie, calm down. It's going to be okay. No, it's not going to be okay, Ross. Tomorrow is my last day and I don't have a lead. Okay, you know what? I'm just going to call Gunther and I'm going to tell him I'm not quitting. You don't want to give in to the fear? You and your stupid fear. I hate your fear. I would like to take you and your fear. Hey! I got great news. Run, Joey, run for your life. Has anybody seen my engagement ring? Yeah, it's beautiful. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. No, no, don't touch that. Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough having to give it back to him. Hi, Barry. Remember me? I'm the girl in the veil that stomped on your heart in front of your entire family. Oh, God. And now I'm going to have to return the ring without the ring which makes it so much harder. Easy, Rach. We'll find it. Won't we? Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, look. All right, when did you have it on last? Doy. Probably right before she lost it. You don't get a lot of doy these days. No, I had it this morning. And no, I had it when I was in the kitchen with... Dinah? Oh, don't be mad. You didn't. Oh, I'm sorry. I gave you one job. Oh, but look how straight those noodles are. Now, Monica, you know that's not how you look for an engagement ring in lasagna. I just can't do it. Boys, we're going in. We can't go now. It looks like Rach is going to put on a skit. Oh, my God. Have you lost your mind? No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm finally thinking clearly. My lucky dress wasn't working out too well for me. But for four years, this baby never missed. Oh, Rach, Rach, Rach. I cannot. I can't let... Actually, I kind of want to see what happens. Hey. Nice, uh, costume. Oh, yeah. Well, I wanted to give Emily a big American goodbye cheer. So, okay. Give me an E. E. Give me an M. M. Give me an I. I. Give me an L. L. Give me a Y. Y. What do you get? Oh! E. Woo! Emily! So that's me as a cheerleader. Ta-da! Are you all right? Fine, I'm fine. I just lost a tooth. It's no big deal. I have a dentist. You know? I'm gonna put some ice on it. Excuse me. Okay, what do I do now? What do I do now? I think you're done. Okay, time to take off the bra. Uh, that was really, uh, great. But I gotta take off, actually. Take bra off. All right, come on. Let's go get your coat. Okay. Rachel is my girlfriend. That's right. Still no baby. Come on, people. Please, let me make some room. Uh, sweetie, maybe you'd be more comfortable here. You. Like you haven't done enough. Look, I know how miserable you are. I wish there was something I can do. I wish I were a seahorse. Because with seahorses, it's the male. They carry the babies. And then also, um, I'd be far away in the sea. I have never been so uncomfortable in my entire life. Oh, I know. I've been there. I remember toward the end. Oh, baby, that's a great story. Could you tell it to me while you're getting me some iced tea? Oh, God, get out! Get out, get out, get out! Let's look.