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So my dear fiancé has some very frugal tendencies that border on being cheap
and I'm wondering if this means we are incompatible or if it should cause me to
reassess our relationship. Oh man, okay. So give me a couple of examples of what you consider
Okay, so it can be something small like if I call him to say like, hey can you pick up some
avocados on the way home, I can hear him like his brain is short-circuiting on the other end
trying to think of like the cheapest grocery store to get avocados. So it could be something
or just bigger stuff like paying for dates and groceries and so yeah.
You mean he wants you to pay for dates? Yes, I should probably give you a little more context
though. So he and I are engaged and we are living together. Please don't yell at me Dave.
And we also have a two-year-old son together. So we've kind of we've gone through a lot in
our relationship early on. Yes, he still pays for dates. I want to give him a fair record.
He's not a he's not a date anymore. He's a shack-up. So it's a completely different thing.
So I mean he's the father. He's the baby daddy now. I mean, come on. So yeah, I think it's too
late to decide if you're going to marry the guy. I think you've already decided you set your entire
life up as if you're married already. Oh, I agree. I think that's probably like the root cause of
some of our fight. I would say that early on like one of our disagreements was on living together.
I wanted to wait until we were married until we lived together. So why aren't you married?
Well, I wanted to be early on but he wanted to take things slow. But at the same time he wanted
to live together. I agree. It's not exactly slow. I agree. Taking things slow was basically like
not marrying me but he still wanted to live together. And this is where like the frugal
part comes up because I think our like framework for making decisions is very different. It seems
like the only thing he can make a decision around is saving money. So like we had a big
disagreement on living together. For me, I wanted to be married first and try to like do things back
in the correct order. But for him it all revolved around saving money and like the practical side of
it. And so like that kind of created a big conflict there. Yeah, which that would feel like he is
choosing quote unquote financial security or whatever he wants over you who's the mother of
his child. Yeah. Yeah. And so we did actually live separately because I needed that. And so
by the time he proposed after that, he then wanted to move in together and I felt like we
just got to an impasse in our relationship where it was like someone has to cave here.
And so I did and I allowed him to move in. But to be honest, I feel like that's like the root of
our conflict. And so to your point, Dave, like why aren't we married? I kind of agree with you.
But I think like the way he went about it made me hesitant on moving forward with marriage
because it felt like we were just. OK, so I guess there's three options, right? You get married.
You don't get married and stay shacked up in this exact situation or you split up. Yeah,
those are the three options. And I feel like. And so I don't know how not to getting married
and staying in this situation solves your concern of him being cheap.
So if you are so if you decide he's too cheap to marry, this is too dysfunctional for to marry,
then you're saying you're splitting up. But I think it goes. I think it goes beyond that for
you, Jackie. I think it's I don't think it's just that you think he's cheap. I think there's been
other red flags in what he what he prioritizes. You don't feel chosen ever in this. He wanted to
wait, but then he gets you still, even though he doesn't need the commitment. I mean, it's just
it feels like he's getting he's choosing a lot of what he's wanting. Yeah. And and it doesn't.
And it's not you at the end of the day, right? It's financial security. It's well,
I want to be in a relationship, but I don't want to commit to marriage. You know,
it's all of that. So I think a lot of I would think some of that's brewing,
even if it's subconscious of like, am I going to be chosen at all in this? Yeah. Over his
nitpickiness on finances. So this is this is way beyond. Yeah, I think this is I do. So before you
walk down an aisle and commit yourself to him long term, I mean, you can already have you guys
have a kid together, so he's going to be part of your life forever. But before you guys get
married, I would sit down with a with a great therapist, counselor and and really be working
on something. Again, it's coming out like money, but always there's a root of what's going on
underneath and getting to that point of what's causing some of this conflict in you is it's
going to be really important for you guys, which I pray is a wonderful, flourishing marriage ahead
of you. Right. Like we I want you guys to win. Can he grow past this? Yes. But basically at the
root of this is selfishness. This guy's selfish. It's what he gets and what he wants and what it's
about him. And which means that he's not a great man right now. Can he become a great man? Yeah,
sure. But it's going to require some growth on his part. And it's probably going to require you
doing something you've never done before. And that's drawing a line in the sand and demanding
it. Yeah. And so you guys are going to sit down with a good counselor and begin doing some hard
work, both of you. And he's going to have to start saying, oh, my job here is to take care of this
wonderful woman named Jackie and this baby I made with her and quit acting like a twerp over
avocados. That's my job. I have a new job. It's called manhood. It's serving, not what you can get,
what you can give. And by the way, the odd thing is that happiness is in there.
You find happiness when you learn how to serve. Selfishness seldom leads to happiness,
doesn't lead to joy. Selfish people are seldom joyful people. They look like they were weaned
on a pickle. And so, you know, that's the good news for him. He's got that as a possibility,
a choice that he can make here. But if you, you know, one of the things we talk about at Ramsey
in leadership, and we teach this to people in companies on leadership, you get what you
tolerate. And in this relationship, you've been tolerating a lot. And so you're getting
what you've tolerated. And so my encouragement lovingly to you is to help him by not tolerating
him anymore at this level and saying, we're going to get some help because I feel like you're here
for what you can get rather than what you can give. And I'm tired of being the only one here
giving. And so we're going to get some therapy and we're going to get some, getting a good church.
We're going to get plugged in and we're going to move down the aisle in a proper way as a
man and a woman, not a little boy in his needs. Create your free every dollar budget today.
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