Trauma and the Pathway to Resiliency

My mom was a trailblazer. In 1974, she was the first woman to graduate from the police academy right here in Tampa. And for the next 13 years, she would do some of the hardest work imaginable, from drug buys to sex trafficking operations. She was a true community hero. But to me, she was my rock. But the weight of the job, coupled with her own behavioral health challenges, was a pretty heavy load. And on February 16th, 1986, when I was 15 years old, that weight became too much for her to carry. It was an incredible Sunday, one of the rare days that she had off, and we spent the day driving because I was bound and determined to get my driver's license when I turned 16. But that beautiful day turned into a horrific night. My mom was struggling in a crisis, and she turned to alcohol to cope with it. And in the midst of that crisis, she walked into her bedroom, and I followed her, only to watch the reflection in a bedroom window partake her own life. My world changed in that moment, and I found that I was pretty numb at that time, until one of the members from her squad had to swab my hands for gunpowder. I was terrified. And the system isn't what it is now. And I ended up in the child welfare system. But I consider myself one of the lucky ones, because her squad members, true brothers and sisters in blue, were there for me. And one in particular, A.J. Matthews, who you'll see on the left, became a bridge for me during this time of incredible sorrow. So I think we can all agree that what I experienced is the true definition of a trauma. And yet, as I stand here before you, 40 years later, I can tell you that I am a licensed clinical social worker with two graduate degrees, running an organization whose mission is to ensure that no one has to face crisis alone. I'm also a wife and a very proud mom of that kid that you see there, who will be graduating in May with a degree in engineering. So the real question is, how did my experience lead me on a path to resiliency? Well, I want to start with what the definition of trauma really means, and you can see it up there. So with this as our framework, I want each of us to think about what we've experienced over the past six years. Because I bet every single one of us has experienced some sort of trauma, whether it was related to a loss during the pandemic, maybe an environmental crisis, an economic crisis, a political crisis, really the list could be endless. And you might have dealt with that trauma by ignoring it, by saying to yourself, I just need to suck it up, buttercup. Or you might have taken a different approach. You might have reframed the experience, not to what's wrong with me, what I experienced. And this moves us on the path to resiliency. It doesn't change what happened, only the way that we look at it. And this makes me think of my friend Donna. Donna lost her home and everything in it during a major hurricane here in Hillsborough County two years ago. And for a while, Donna was really stuck. She was powerless. But she decided to change that. She decided to try to figure out how could she change her story. And what she did was that she turned her home into a rage room, inviting friends and family to knock out windows and doors to help local nonprofits. It became a fundraiser of sorts. Yes, Donna had lost her hope for a little while. But by talking about it and by taking action, she took back some of that power that was lost during that hurricane. Now, in order for us to become powerful, it takes a lot of energy. So helping, making sure we're eating right and exercising, practicing self-care and sleep are all very, very important. And thinking about that makes me think of another individual who I met. Her name is Michelle. Michelle came to our organization after she experienced a rape right outside of her home. And for a while, Michelle wasn't sure what to do. She was terrified to leave her own home. But by reaching out, telling her story and asking for help, she made the decision that she was going to run in the very neighborhood where she lost her safety, where she lost her security. And she was able to take back her power every single time she laced up those sneakers and went running in her neighborhood. Now, Donna and Michelle's stories are very different, but they had one thing in common. They talked about what happened to them and they embraced the philosophy that it's okay to not be okay. We hear this phrase a lot nowadays, but oftentimes we don't hear the second part of that slogan, which is not okay to face a crisis alone. Well, why is that? Research has told us that trauma untreated doesn't go away. It will continue to manifest itself throughout your entire life. I have met individuals in their 80s who come to our organization for trauma therapy to understand why they keep making the same mistakes over and over again, only to learn that those decisions are rooted in traumas that happened in their 20s that they had ignored during that entire time. And that could have been the story for Ariana. Ariana was five years old when she discovered her mother dead by suicide in her own home. And luckily, Ariana knew how to call 911 for help. But help came with very bright lights and very loud sirens. So by the time Ariana was reunited with her grandmother, she was terrified of those very first responders who helped her during her worst time. Her grandmother recognized that Ariana needed help and support, as did she. And so together they came to us to participate in trauma therapy. And for 14 weeks, every single day, every single week, for 14 weeks, they came together to learn how to move through past that trauma. And when Ariana graduated, she was able to turn on the lights and sirens of this ambulance that you see behind me. I like to believe that Ariana and I share a common bond. She was able to come to overcome the fear of her mother's suicide, similarly how I was able to by running an organization that works with individuals who have experienced some of life's most difficult challenges. So as we close today, I want you to indulge me for just a moment. I want everyone just to close your eyes just for a moment and think about something on your heart, a trauma, an experience that you've never shared with anyone, that you've kept in the dark. And I want you to make a silent vow today that you're going to talk about it at some point when you're ready. And when you are, I want you to keep three things in mind. First of all, find a trusted person in a safe place. And when you find that trusted person in that safe place, start to tell your story. Give your story light. Go as fast or as slow as you need to go. And finally, be vulnerable. You've picked the right person to share your story with. You've got to experience those same feelings that you felt when that trauma first occurred. Please remember, traumas grow in our silence. And the pathway to light is by telling our story and taking back our power. It took me 30 years to be able to tell my story. But once I did, an incredible opportunity opened up. And I was able to help create a program that specialized in working with first responders who are in crisis. And I truly hope today that this line is truly saving lives.