When Trauma Work Seems Hopeless and Overwhelming

Hey there, David again, and I want to talk about trauma and I want to talk about the idea that in our healing That there is no regression There is no backward step we It's almost as if we never lose The progress we're making in our healing journey, and I'm going to try and explain why I believe that's the case So you may have heard or maybe yourself you've said it to yourself at times that I feel like I I've slipped or I've backtracked or I'm right back to square one again And this can often be around our emotional well-being or it can be about Maybe some change we're trying to implement in our life And I want to I want to say here again that It's never the case that we step back although it can look like that from an outside perspective it's like okay, I stepped up on my diet there or some of my bad habits are showing up again or My you know, whatever it is It could be a million behavioral things that we're working on and they're important and I'll talk about that too But we never actually slip back now What I'm talking about here is I'm referring to It's almost like an iceberg theory so the theory being that One of the things I love recently is there seems to be more and more people talking about This change into a perspective of what happened to me as opposed to what's wrong with me And that is the right approach. That is what we need to be Asking more and more what happened to me as opposed to what's wrong with me now this this idea this iceberg theory It's kind of more about what happened to me because This iceberg theory is like trauma the heart of the trauma really essentially is this Defective story. It's what something's wrong with me ultimately, it's this feelings of separation and Maybe even being alone or cut off or isolated or abandoned that are driving it at the root of it But at the heart of it, you could say that there's this guilt underlying guilt and it's this big block of guilt and It's almost like it's a big block of Stuck energy. This is what actually comes out of trauma So what we're doing when we're healing this big block this iceberg is a little bit, you know with an iceberg You just see a little bit at the surface a little bit comes up now underneath the surface. There's this huge mass of ice But the more we heal a little bit comes up it gets healed it kind of gets dissolved another little bit comes up So when we're actively healing, we're actually Diminishing the overall trauma. We're actually dissolving the energy that's in that the trapped energy in the body So say you're doing some good work on that maybe that's showing up in behavioral changes your habits or there's few fewer bad habits or maybe your diet or your exercise improves or your relationships improve a little and Maybe for a period of time you step away From some healing work, which is completely understandable and even necessary at times that we we step away from some healing that work on that healing and See the thing is there's still a little bit of that iceberg in there, right? So Maybe somewhere down the line that iceberg starts to come up a little bit again and Some of the behavioral changes that we've implemented maybe we revert back into some of our old habits And we think oh my god, I'm right back to square one again And the thing is we're not really back to square one at all It just means the next piece has come up and it's ready now For us to look at it Maybe it's because of some of the positive behavioral changes and the environmental changes that we are now ready to look at it But it's not a it's not this oh my god, I'm right back to square one It's the old me has showed up again, right? That's not what it is at all now a really good example of this might be someone who Let's let's get more more Practical with this focus in a bit more but an example somebody say who is they're in a or they they they have an addiction issue or something and They do a lot of healing work on themselves They managed to get clean leads to a lot of behavioral improvements in their life, and they've been clean and sober now for two years and then a little bit more of this stuff comes up and they Fall off the wagon. And of course, it's this real intense guilt they feel then it's because I'm right back to square one again But you're not really back to square one again It's just time now For the next piece to be looked at now, sometimes that can involve a relapse or something Okay, but the relapse isn't essentially a problem unless you start to see it as oh my god All my good work has been diminished all gone. Oh, it was all for nothing. That is never true Now what I'm not saying here, of course, is that oh, it doesn't matter if you fall off the wagon You can go right back to drinking alcohol It really doesn't matter at all the behavioral stuff. You see the rule of the game with this There is a rule and the rule is that you have to be honest with yourself about What it is you really want so being sober is something you really want which I think is a really good thing for most people Probably almost everybody I guess You have to be honest about that and you have to stay true to to what it is That is in alignment with your values Okay, so this is I'm not diminishing the behavioral part of this I'm not saying that it doesn't matter what happens behaviorally The rule is that you have to honor what it is that you really want but what I am saying is that While we are Going after what it is. We really want maybe it's sobriety. Maybe it's a better diet. Maybe it's anything, right? Well, we are honoring that and we're not in denial that we do want that and that's a good thing that we wanted Now we're honestly going towards that as best we can the healing is Something that we just need to see as okay next piece now Next piece now just go back to healing again. Okay, it means I just have to heal something new now This regression is not a regression at all It actually probably means assuming that you're honoring it your your desire and you're going after what you want It probably means you're in a better situation in your life now to look at the next piece. Let's come up Okay, so it's something to be Okay, you can allow yourself to be a little bit disappointed maybe But you don't beat yourself up about this It's actually probably good news that now you're ready to look at the next thing again the next piece of the trauma now one thing I would say is We never regress in our healing Assuming we're not retraumatizing ourselves. Okay, so this is why healthy boundaries are so important. It's why Thankfully we get help and we move away from from what it is that initially traumatizes hopefully Okay, so it's assuming that we're not retraumatizing ourselves actively This idea this iceberg idea holds to be true. It's very very important to realize that there's just okay It's a big chunk. I'm just gonna keep melting dissolving surrendering inquiring sharing opening Being honest getting real with myself and working through these feelings and I Know this is kind of a maybe all over the place video. I'm making here, but to simplify what I've said You can't go back. You never lose any of your gains. You could call them. Okay, you're healing Your healing is never wasted It only goes in one direction. You're only going towards more and more health Okay, emotional health psychological health Assuming you're not being retraumatized. Okay, so That's something that we obviously work on first is Boundaries moving away from what it is initially did this to us What happened to me? Okay, let's let's see if we can find safety first, but in that situation there is no going back Okay, it's just more stuff coming up that needs to be healed. Eventually it will dissolve Okay, and we can find ourselves moving Towards what it is. We really want more and more what's really in a line Aligned with our own values and what we really think honors and serves us And that's the beautiful part of this so Can't go back. There's no regression and it's about looking at what happened to me rather than what's wrong with me and really starting to Use compassion instead of Condemning ourselves all the time and beating ourselves up because you know, let's be honest when when has that ever worked? It doesn't work at all So guys, I'll leave it there for today, but I hope that was useful and I wasn't rambling too much all over the place But in any case, thanks as always for being with me and I'll see you again soon