Trauma and Inner Integration

In this video I'm going to explain the work we all have to do. The various levels of trauma that impact every aspect of our lives in terms of what we want to do with our lives, the goals we have, relationships we have and ultimately the quality that our lives are going to be. So stay with me and we're going to talk about trauma and inner integration after trauma. You know after years of studying, trying to figure out why people are unhappy, this is as close to an explanation I can give that I've come across that explains the work that is needed by all of us. So what we're going to talk about is trauma. We're talking about here a route to genuine happiness because that's what all want right? It's what we all want in life. Now when we're kids, when we're born, we're genuinely, we can find genuine happiness in things and at this point we just were born, we have our personality. You're born with a personality okay? Regardless of the nature versus nurture debate we have an inherent personality and we have a question. We're born as the I am okay? I am dot dot dot to be continued. Now we're just an I am at that point which is why when we're small children, infants, toddlers, we get joy in the silliest of things okay? We can take joy in almost anything. Genuine joy, genuine pleasure, genuine happiness. At this point we're integrated okay? There's no conflict within ourselves when we're children. What happens of course is various types of trauma come in at some point in our lives and that could be anything. I've a few written down here. First of all what is a trauma? It's basically a stress that you experience as a child, as a young person that cannot be resolved. Maybe because you don't understand it, you don't have anyone to go to to talk about your feelings or if you do you're told to be quiet about it, not to talk about it. So there's no understanding that comes from having experienced a trauma. So it's a trauma. It's an injury in other words. Traumas, we probably all know these. These things could be abuse, it could be some kind of an accident, maybe a family member goes through a terrible accident. Bullying, neglect in childhood, being judged, family poverty, an illness, jealousy. Jealousy of the attention that a sibling gets. It could be any of those things that comes in here. Now the problem with this is it is an injury and it becomes a trauma if it isn't resolved. So it stays with us. The injury stays. Now this leads us to our second step. That leads us to the injury is there. So it's kind of a break that happens in the person. And this side is carrying the injury. This is the hurt part. So I want you to think of that part as the injured self. Hurt or injured. And this side, which pretends like it's fine, becomes the defender or the coper you could say. I think my pen is running a little low. But the point is we get split in to different parts. Now there could be many different parts but two parts is enough. Especially for the purposes of this conversation. So when we look at this part of ourselves. Another word for this might be the shadow self. This could be the persona. The one that we are drawn towards. The defender. The strong one. The injured one. What are the features of the injured one? It's weak. It's vulnerable. Feels like it's all by itself. It's alone and isolated. It's chaotic. It's ashamed. It feels unworthy. It feels completely stuck. And of course the problem with that is the more we neglect it and ignore it, we actually feed it with that suppression. Suppression of that side of ourselves is an energy. And we keep pumping that energy into it which means it sustains it. So this is the injured self. It's weak, vulnerable and all those things. Feels like it's alone. When you're talking about the defender, I've thought of a few examples or ways to understand that. It's tough. It can be aggressive. It's very independent. Maybe because of neglect early in childhood for instance. It's very controlling. It's self-centered. It can be very charming. This defender could become a workaholic for instance. Because that's how it takes charge of things. Sub-personalities develop out of this. These are little kind of ways of being that we get into as the defender. One might be, let's say someone lives in poverty as a child. That's their trauma. They become a thief. Thieving or robbing or stealing is a way a sub-personality develops as the defender. A person who didn't get enough attention in childhood or they were always made to feel that their self-worth was tied up in their academic achievements for instance. They would become the academic sub-personality. Someone might become a sporty person. Somebody might be a seductive person. A sort of seducer. Uses sexuality as a means to cope. So those are all the things that are there. Now what are the... The problem is originally where the I am, I am whatever I want or I just I am. I am in a state of being. Now we become I am alone. I am hurt. I am injured. I am afraid. I am anxious and I am the defender. I am strong. I am aggressive. I am controlling. I am independent. Fiercely independent. The problem with it of course is that there's a split down the middle of us. So we're actually not fully who we are. We're in conflict. Now what is life like when we live like this? How do we... What's our emotional reality of this like? Well first thing is it is painful to live like this. It's emotionally painful. It's numb. So if you've ever felt that you're numb in your life there's something like this probably going on. You feel unsure about things because you don't know which voice is coming in. Robotic. You feel fake. You're in conflict all the time. Maybe sickness comes in. You find yourself getting sick and you have a sense that it's to do with a psychological issue. Feeling stressed all the time. Okay so the point of all this is how do we start to rehabilitate this? How do we reintegrate? Now we're not going to be children ever again but what we want to be is like the child once again. Fully integrated. In fact what we are then is aware of I am the I am. Okay we become self-aware more so than when we were children once we go through this process of inner integration. Okay now what does this part... In order to bring this about we need to start a dialogue between this which is by don't make any mistake about it you. You are the defender. Okay that's the personality that we all tend to gravitate towards. Okay and the injured part of the self. Now let's say we were to check in and interview both sides to see what's going on within a person who is carrying trauma like this. What would the conversation be like? If you consult the injured part they're going to say please listen to me for a change. Okay because we completely put them in the dark. Okay they feel ignored. They don't feel heard at all. They have no sense of autonomy or control. They also say if they were to talk to the defender they would say if you don't listen to me I'm going to hold us back. I'm going to make sure that we don't go forward in life. Right so the defender over here says you are so weak. Why would I ever listen to you? You deserve to be ignored. Okay I am in charge here. So they're in charge of maintaining the comfort zone that they've reached. Okay they're the strong ones and this is the weak one. So you'll see at that point that there's no sort of it's an impasse. This side is here this side is there and they don't want to talk to each other. So what we need to do is we need to act as or someone that you work with a therapist or a counselor or or anybody really who's willing to do it is to help you facilitate these two parts of yourself. Now I cannot emphasize this enough. Which side do you think we give the hardest time to? Funnily enough it's not this side. We are very judgmental of the defender. Okay the defender who is the witty, the strong one, the sub-personalities are there, the workaholic, the charmer, the controlling part of ourselves. We are very very critical of that side. In order to bring this side in we first need to give the defender some appreciation. Another way of saying that is to give yourself some appreciation for how strong you've been up to this point in your life carrying an injury. Okay you need to say to yourself okay I've felt numb, I've felt horrible in my day-to-day life for a number of years now maybe but you know what how strong have I been? How strong how incredibly strong have I been to go about day-to-day life with this within me? Okay then you can bring in the hurt side. So you're appreciating the defender and you're giving the injured part of yourself the voice. Okay so we're going to act as an intermediary between these two voices. Now this is the work that we need to do. It doesn't matter what you want to achieve in life, what you want to do, if you want to have more fulfilling relationships, if you're carrying trauma this is what's going to happen. If you want to do well in your work life, if you are miserable, you feel numb, you need to work on this. Okay and we all need to work on this David included, myself included, we are all doing this. Almost I think everybody, I would say everybody, people would disagree with me on that but I would say almost all of us have this issue going on. A kind of a two competing voices within ourselves that leads us to not feeling like we're normal people. Okay and then we medicate it and all those issues. So what we need to do is start having this conversation, mediate in this conversation within ourselves. One of the practical ways you can do it is you can embrace the fact that you have these two sub-personalities, if you like, these two parts of yourself. One, let's say you're doing some journaling and I would highly recommend this. What does the defender want to say? And on the other side of the page what does the injured part want to say? And your job then, when you're analyzing that, is to say to yourself, okay thank you, you're very very strong, you're going to keep us safe. What do you want to say? So that we don't self-sabotage, so that we actually can move forward. How can we make you feel more safe to come forward and talk? It can be anything, especially in relationships guys. This is how this plays out big time. It's the hurt part of the self bringing the past into all new relationships that we have, making them all the same from now on, because we're in defender mode. So the last thing to say in this is, in terms of a practical thing, talk to someone about it. Set this as a goal maybe with them, but by yourself, if you just want to work on this by yourself for now, use the journaling exercise of realizing that I have two parts to myself. One is the defender, one is the injured part. And I'm going to try and get a dialogue going between the two parts. Thanks for watching. A bit heavy maybe, but that's the way it is. That's the that's the key. That's the key to this. That's the work that we have ahead of us. But the goal, I mean the goal is this, is to feel like this again as adults, okay, when we have autonomy. And what a goal that is, just to feel less numb, to feel more alive, to feel like my God, my life has meaning and purpose again. That's what we're all after here. So it's about inner integration. That is the whole, that is like the answer that isn't a gimmick, okay. If you've tried all the gimmicks maybe before, the quick fixes and stuff, this is what we're after. So practically speaking, give the journaling a go and see what the dialogue is like. And you might be surprised by how you feel at the end. Because if you'd like to work with me, you can contact me at my website drdavidmaloney.com, where I do online sessions and sessions in my practice here in Ireland also. Or you can email me. Another way you can help is to share this with a friend of yours. Maybe you can like the video or subscribe. And if you like my content, it helps me reach other people too. Reach out if you have any questions. Maybe leave your questions below if you like. But I am very grateful for you for taking the time to watch this. And the point of this is that this is hugely important. Because this is for our personal growth. This is for all war comes about because of this. What are our political leaders like? Everyone else. This is what's going on within them. Politicians improving the lives of children and families. Helping families have more authentic, enjoyable, fulfilling relationships. So thanks again for watching guys and I will see you soon. Take care.