Gary Owen- No Hard Feelings (2026) - FULL SPECIAL

Yeah, that was a good, that was a good ovation. Thank you for that. That's probably what, um, Diddy's gonna feel like when he gets out of jail. Wild year with that dude. Uh, I watched that, uh, four-part documentary on Netflix. That was pretty entertaining. And then I was watching, uh, The Trial last year. Um, when it was all said and done, after everything came out, the only thing I got out of everything was my sex life ain't ----. I'm in a damn Disney movie next to Sean. Some of the stuff I was shocked at that came out, though, like, um, the fact that he was picking up, uh, male escorts off Craigslist. If anybody I would have thought would have had somebody he could have called, it was Sean. But nah, he's just like us. Just scrolling through his phone. What you think of him? They call him the Punisher. Use. Then the fact that he was having 72-hour freak-offs. Uh, I thought he was busy. He had a lot of free time. Who wants to **** somebody for 72 hours? If a girl's in my hotel room on Friday and she's still there on Monday, we got a problem. Go home. Do something with your life. I think the stars of that documentary and the stars of The Trial was the male escorts. I believe everything they said. I don't think they were exaggerating. You know, uh, because some of the stuff they said was kind of mind-blowing, though. Like, one male escort was on the stand and said during one of the freak-offs, he looked over, did he was naked, and did his penis look like a Tootsie Roll? Oh, that is not the candy you want your penis to look like. Have you ever seen a Tootsie Roll? They're kind of little. And even the long ones, they got no girt to them. And listen, Tootsie Roll's gotta be one of the worst candies on the planet. I've never heard nobody say, Damn, that was a good-ass Tootsie Roll, I should say. Listen, if your kids go trick-or-treating on Halloween and they come back with a bag full of Tootsie Rolls, they're gonna be like, **** this neighborhood, Mom! So just try to remember that. Next time you're at CVS, you're walking down that candy aisle, you look over, you'll see that bag of Tootsie Rolls. Just know that's basically a bag of Diddy Dicks. Look at all them Diddy Dicks next to that sugar-free Lily's Candy that nobody buys. Haha, facts. I think every entertainer over the last year or so has been asked that question. We've all been asked, Have we been to a Diddy Party? Anybody been to the after-hour Diddy Parties? And I've been asked, and I've never been to any of the after-hour Diddy Parties. I've been to a couple of the nightclubs when Diddy had parties. Got invited a couple times to those house parties when my schedule didn't line up. Woo! Dodged a bullet! I think the closest I ever went to going to one of them after-hour Diddy Parties was right when I got to L.A. So this is like 99 era, right? So I remember I went to a nightclub, I was with my buddies. When I walked into the nightclub, I started talking to this girl. And we talked all night, and then right before the club closed, my boys came over, and they was like, Yo, Gary, we got invited to Diddy's house when the club closes. You wanna go? I was like, Hell yeah, I wanna go! I looked at the girl, I said, You wanna go? She's like, No! She's like, I just wanna go with you. I was like, Oh! So we didn't go. So here we are, 26 and a half years later. It's crazy how that one night stand saved my asshole. Look at God. And that was the one night stand men dream about. Because I did not know the girl before that night. We had an amazing night, she was very attractive. Never spoke to her after that night. But when that Diddy ---- came out, I went on a quest to find her. Took me about three and a half months. I finally tracked her down on Facebook. She's married now with three kids. So I just sent her a very respectful message. I said, Hey, I don't know if you remember me, but I can honestly say you changed the entire trajectory of my life. You did more for me in that one night than you will ever know. Congratulations, you have a beautiful family. Thank you again, Gary. She messaged me back, Who the **** are you? Damn, I had no impression. I thought I put her down that night. Yeah, she was faking it. But I'm glad I didn't go to the party that night. Because I remember me at that age, man. I didn't go to nightclubs and sit on the wall. I partied. I can't imagine if I would have went to the Diddy party that night. Oh my God. Because I know me. I know me. I would have been in the middle of a goddamn party, 3.30 in the morning, sitting there in the middle of the goddamn house. We ain't going nowhere. We ain't going. I've been having drinks and ----. Going nowhere. We can't. I don't feel right. It's getting hot in here. We ain't going. Where are my friends? Nowhere. I'm going to sit down. We ain't going nowhere. We can't push tough. Because it's bad boy for life. I would have woke up the next morning. Man. That was a wild night last night. Remember last night I was talking to that girl. And then we went to Diddy's house. I had some drinks. I must have drank too much. Because I passed out. I was having a good time until I... The **** is this ----? There's so much weird ---- on YouTube and Netflix now as it is. I was watching YouTube one day and they were showing this family in West Virginia called the Whitakers. I don't know if you've heard of them. They're like an inbred family. They've been inbred for like a hundred years. The same eight people been *******. There's no more family tree. It's a stump. Branches are gone. And they live so far in the hollers in the hills of West Virginia that cops don't mess with them. Because they don't come down and the cops don't go up. One guy heard about them and he wanted to go record them. So he went up there to go see them. And the sheriff met him at the bottom of the hill and asked him, what are you doing here? He goes, I heard the Whitakers live at the top of that hill. I'm going to go interview them. He goes, well, if you don't come back down, it was good meeting you. So then he drives up. And I don't know what you think an inbred house would look like, but that's what this looked like. Because he pulled up and sitting on the front porch, the mom, the aunt, and the niece are sitting there. That's the same person, by the way. And sitting next to her is the husband, the uncle, and the nephew. Again, it's one person. He got an eyeball here, an eyeball here. He ain't talking. He just smiling. And then out the screen door comes busting out this dude named Ray. Ray don't talk. He just makes noises. But he's like the spokesperson for the family. He came busting through the screen door. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He got a dog. The dog ain't barking. It's meowing. Meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Yeah. I go, am I watching right now? It was so wild. I got a special needs cousin. She walked by my laptop and looked back. She was like, oh, that's fucked up. The Diddy thing on Netflix. Netflix got some weird programming, too. Like I was watching this show called Monster, the Ed Gein story. I never knew this. I never knew that the movie Psycho and the movie Texas Chainsaw Massacre is based off the same dude. And you heard Texas Chainsaw Massacre, you think, oh, he got to be a wild boy. No, he's not. He talks just like this. That's all he does. I would never **** my cousin in West Virginia. I would stay on top. Mother wouldn't like that if I fucked my cousin. This whole area is funny. Like I picked DC to do the special because it just brings back a lot of old memories, man. Like I was, yeah, because I lived here for a few years. I was in the Navy. But it was my first duty station. So my 18 to 21 years was in DC. And I remember the first time I went to a nightclub was in DC. I'll never forget it. I got here on a Monday and then we went to a nightclub on a Friday. I'd never been to a nightclub before. I walk in and I start dancing with this girl. And, you know, I didn't know she was deaf, you know, because she went to Gallaudet University, which is a deaf college in DC. And I didn't know she was deaf when I met her because she was dancing, you know. And that was the best back then because when I got to DC, you're talking about the mid-90s. Not everybody had cell phones. That's when you had to go out on Friday, Saturday night as a dude. And you really had to meet a female, you know, because there wasn't no follow-up, you know. There wasn't no social media. There wasn't no DMs or nothing like that. And I like girls that was dancing. That's why I started talking. Well, I didn't talk, but that's how I met that deaf girl. I like, because I didn't want girls at the bar. I wanted girls that was dancing at nightclubs. Because, you know, I loved it when a girl would bend over and start shaking her ass. Because that was my move just to get behind her, you know. That was actually the first DM. That was a dick message. And fellas know that was the best feeling to get behind a girl. She didn't even know. She just bent over. You just get behind her. Hey, what's up? I'm Gary. And that was the best when she looks back, see who's grinding on her, and kind of gives you the approval. How you doing, Gary? I'm Cheryl. All right, good meeting you, Cheryl. And I wasn't a jerk about it. Like, if you don't want me grinding on you, I just kept it moving. There was other girls dancing. I go right on that line. Get behind the girl. Hey, what's up? Get away. Cool. Hey, what's up? Shit, you thought I was in Dru Hill back then. Tell me what you want. But that's what happened with the deaf girl. I didn't know she was deaf. I go to the nightclub. She's sitting there. She bends over. She's dancing. I just did my move. I got behind her. I was like, hey, what's up? I'm Gary. And she looked back and smiled and backed the rest into me, but she ain't say nothing. I was like, oh, you shy. OK. But then she kept backing me up. Pretty soon she had me against the wall. Wasn't that the best, fellas? When a girl backs you against the wall, she grinding on your ----. You stuck on the wall like Spider-Man hit you with a web and ----. But it was very confusing because she's grinding on me, but she's not talking to me. But my homeboys are talking to me, so I'm talking to them, but I'm trying not to lose focus of that ass either. It was 15 minutes of multitasking. It was not an easy night. Because my boys was like, Gary, what's up with that girl? I was like, ************, I don't know. See, finally after like five songs, she grabbed my hands, walked me over to the bar, she grabbed a napkin and a pen from the bartender, and she wrote down, I'm deaf. So my first thought was, how was you dancing? Because she was on beat. So she had explained me on this napkin, all the deaf kids at Gallaudet, they went to this one particular nightclub on purpose because they had a big dance floor, but they had a side room. And the side room had very low ceilings, very compact walls. So all the deaf kids would go to this particular nightclub because they could go to this room and they could feel the vibrations and the beats coming off the wall. But she explained all this to me on a napkin. It's like three paragraphs. So I'm looking at this ---- like, I know she don't think I'm about to write her back. Like I said, this is where everybody had cell phones. Because then the next thing she wrote was, can I get your number? I wrote down, why? She wrote, I can call you. I was like, ooh, I kind of want to hear this. So I gave her my number. Two days later, I'm in the barracks. Phone rings. And I don't know if anybody here has ever gotten a phone call from the TTY Hearing Impaired Network. I didn't know what this ---- was. If you've never gotten a phone call from them, it's very prison-esque the first time they call. The phone rang. I picked it up, and it was, ooh! Hi, am I speaking with Gary Olin? I go, this is he. Hi, this is so-and-so from the TTY Hearing Impaired Network. Are you familiar? I said, I am not. She said, okay, this is how it works. You talk, I type. As you're talking, I'll be typing. It'll go to her computer. She'll type back. I'll read you her response. You can respond accordingly. Simple enough. Takes about 15, 20 minutes to get the hang of it. Now me and her having a pretty good conversation. Then my dumb ass decides to crack a joke. Here's the problem with that. When you crack a joke, you need people to laugh immediately. That lets you know the joke is funny. That's not what happened here. I hit the joke. Yeah! It's like two minutes later, the operator comes back. Ha! Your turn. Fucked up the joke now. But I couldn't get her clearance to come on the base. So every time we'd have to hang out, I'd have to go to her campus. I don't know if anyone's been to Gallaudet's campus. That is a quiet campus. If you just want to be alone with your thoughts or write a novel, go there. But I'd always be in her dorm room hanging out, and I'd always catch myself whispering. One day I was like, why the **** am I whispering? Anybody can hear me on the whole floor. I could be yelling my ass off right now. But like I said, she was on the volleyball team, so I used to always go see her volleyball games. And that was cool, but it was different. I'd never been to a sporting event that quiet. And it was female volleyball, so smaller college, so it wasn't very crowded. But man, I'd never been to a gym that silent for a sporting event. It was so quiet in the gym, I could hear the scoreboard changing scores. I never knew the scoreboard made noises. I thought it had taken my brain for a minute. I'm just sitting here. So let me explain why we broke up after four months. She asked me to go to a men's basketball game with her. I said, yeah, of course I'll go. So we go. We walk into the gym, the exact same gym I'd seen her play volleyball in numerous times. Now it's packed. Got to be at least 1,000 deaf kids in the gym. You know, still pretty quiet, because they don't clap. They do ---- like this, you know? Halfway through the first half, this one brother on Gallaudet steals the ball, dribbles down the court, and does a windmill dunk. Ka-tank! Okay. Deaf people, their vocal cords work. They just don't know how to use them. So when this brother dunked the ball, 1,000 deaf kids reached below their chairs, and they grabbed these Coke cups. You get at basketball and football games, and they hold it up to their mouth, and they scream the most God-awful noise you'll ever hear in your life into these cups. You got to warn the ************ this is about to happen, by the way. You can't have me in total silence for four months. And at a left field, 1,000 deaf people at the exact same time scream into these cups. My girl was the loudest one. She's leading the charge. I broke up with her that night. But it's not for the reasons you think. I know you're probably thinking, Gary, that's an asshole move. How could you do that? No, that is not why I broke up with her. I broke up with her because when I went to that men's basketball game with her, we had already had sex five or six times. Never heard her make that noise. I didn't know she had the ability to make that noise. Listen, the most I ever got out of her was... I thought it went really deep. I heard a... I got close to her... Listen, she's a sweet young lady. I had to let that butterfly fly. You ever break up with somebody, and then the next day you're replaying a relationship in your brain, and you're like, oh my God, we should have broke up a long time ago. How did I miss all these red flags? Because that's what I was doing with her. I'm replaying a relationship, and I'm like, oh my God, how did I miss all this? Because it hit me, like, every time we would have sex, when I would get done, she would just cool me being done. There wasn't one time we was having sex and she turned around. Moo. No, every time I would get done, she'd be like, I thought you got me, **** you. I didn't know what she was saying. She was saying, that's all you got, bitch, **** you. She'd been cussing me out for four months. I thought I was putting her down. I heard her say, bitch, **** you. I said, yeah, I did do that, didn't I? She'd been mad the whole time. That's the thing about memories, man. You come back, you have all these memories. And I always heard, like, you don't start having memories that stick to your four. And I believe that. I think zero to three, you're just kind of winging it. That's why I don't know why parents take their kids on vacation before four. They ain't gonna remember it. Just lie to them. You know? Just get a little boat, go on the Anacostia River. What was that? That's when we took you to Italy for your second birthday. Yeah, we went to Venice and everything. I believe that's true, though. The memories that stick is four. And four to seven was a very distinct time in my life. Because I just remember at that time, it was just me and my mom. And we lived in a little one-bedroom apartment. And then, you know, my mom slept in the bedroom every night because we only had one bedroom. I slept on the couch because we only had one TV. If I wanted to watch TV, I had to sleep on the couch. But dudes would be coming over to see my mom. And I never knew what they wanted at that age. I just thought she had a lot of friends. And then I became an adult and I look back and I'm like, motherfuckers. Because I was just letting them in. Be knocking on the door. How's it going, little man? Your mom home? Uh-huh. She's at her room. Just leading these motherfuckers to the slaughter. Some of the guys was cool, though. Some of the guys used to bring me snacks. I thought that was cool. Like, you're going to come **** my mom, but at least bring me a little Sunday munch on while you're doing it, you know? Don't have me out here starving. And my mom was smart. Because the apartment was so small, you could hear everything. So when dudes would come over, she would turn her stereo all the way up in the bedroom. But the only music that used to come out of my mom's room was that music group, The Eagles. So I can't listen to them anymore. I can't listen to Hotel California or Tequila Sunrise or Desperado. It hits different. I'm glad that group broke up. **** that group, actually, you know? Some days are better than others, though. Like, Wednesdays was a good day. Because this dude named Billy would come over. Billy always brought me a Frosty from Wendy's. I thought that was the coolest ----. Because every Wednesday morning, I'd wake up, get ready for school. I knew I was going to have a good day, because I was getting a Frosty that night. I'd be at recess, playing by myself. I don't give a ****. I'm getting a Frosty tonight. And Billy always act like he ain't have it, either. He'd be coming to the apartment. Knock on the door. Hey, what's up, Gary? Hey, what's up, Billy? Your mom home? I don't know. Maybe. You know I got you, little man. Come on in, Billy! He's in the other room, blowing my mom's back out. I'm in the living room, enjoying the ---- out of this Frosty. There's plenty of room at the Hotel California. Such a lovely place. When I grow up, I'm going to go to Hotel California. I'm going to get me a Frosty. I'm going to eat on my hotel bed at the Hotel California bed. Swear to God, I will. Fridays was the worst, though. Wednesdays was good. Fridays wasn't. Because a dude named Rodney would come over. Rodney never brought nothing to eat. No snacks. And he rode a Harley. So I could hear him coming like a mile away. I'm like, ****, Rodney's coming over tonight. I ain't getting nothing to eat. And he used to park his Harley right in the living room. Just pull the ************ in. Now I can't watch TV. Blocking the TV. Motorcycles take a couple minutes to cool off. Now I'm hot. Pretty sure I was breathing in carbon monoxide. Rodney was a weirdo, though. My mom ended up marrying him. I don't know why she married him. I wish she would have married Billy. Because I never got a Frosty after that day. We'd be riding by Wendy's. I'm like, ****, I miss Billy, man. Rodney moved in when I was 70. And he started asking me weird questions. I'm going to be here from now on, all right? So I got a couple questions I'm going to ask. You ain't got to lie to me. Just tell me the truth, okay? Is you gay? I'm ******* seven. I don't even know what gay is. What's that? You like little boys? Yeah, I like playing with little boys. I want to play with little boys all day. Billy, Joey, Jerry, Mike, Paul. He's like, yeah, I knew it. And then nine years later, I'm 16. I swear to God, Rodney pulls me aside and asks me the exact same question verbatim. But now we ain't living in an apartment, we're living in a trailer. He pulls me aside and goes, Gary, come here, come here. I remember I asked you this when I moved in. I'm going to ask you one more time. You ain't got to lie to me. Ain't nobody going to be in trouble. I just been noticing some things still. Is you gay? Now, obviously, I'm 16. I know what gay is. I go, no, why do you keep asking me that? He goes, because I'm just saying, man, you never bring no girls around. Why is that? I never see you bring no girls around. I go, we live in a trailer. I'm not bringing no girls back to this raggedy-ass trailer park. I'm trying to seal the deal, not **** it up. I can't bring no girls back. All this can be yours. Welcome to your future, ladies. ------- weirdo. Rodney's the reason I joined the Navy. I was like, I'm going to get away from him. I'm just going to go. That was an easy sell. Military is interesting, too, because that was the first time I was on a plane. I get on an airplane. We fly, we land, and I get to the base about 11 p.m., and then they put you in a room with like 100 dudes you don't know. You're all in bunk beds, and you're freaking out because I'm 17. Then about 3 in the morning, they come down with a garbage can. The lights come on. Somebody's got a bat hitting the garbage can. You get up on the line. I was the first dude to get in trouble. I go, how the **** am I the first dude to get in trouble? Because I yawned. I didn't realize I yawned. I was like... He's like, am I boring you? I'm like, oh, my God, I'm the first one to get in trouble. You know what he made me do the whole first day of boot camp? And this don't sound like a bad punishment until you try it. Because I yawned, I had to walk around the entire first day with my mouth open. That don't seem like it's hard. Try doing this ---- for 10 minutes. Some of you ain't laughing, but some of you dudes are gonna try that on the way home. You're looking at your girl. Hey, get the phone out. Get the clock out. That's kind of hard. I've said this before. I was a cop when I was in the Navy. I'm very proud of my arrest record because I was police officer for four years and I had two arrests. I'm really proud of that. I was a great guy because I was the one to ask questions. When I first got to my first duty station after police academy, I raised my hand. I said, hey, do we get bonuses? They go, what do you mean? I go, if I arrest 100 people, I get a bonus? They go, no. I go, so, if I arrest 100 people or I arrest no people, my paycheck's the same? They go, yeah. I go, okay. I know what kind of cop I'm about to be. Lenient. I like working nights. Most guys didn't want to work nights. I volunteered to work nights because nobody's looking over your shoulder, but you got to deal with DUIs, you got to deal with drunks, you got to deal with bar fights. I remember one night I was on patrol and, like I said, if there wasn't a witness, ************, it didn't happen. You know how many cars I saw? I'd be like... You know what I mean? I'm about to risk my life for the same check. But we had a nightclub on our base and, you know, it was about 1.30 in the morning on a Friday, I'll never forget, this car just went up on the sidewalk. And I was like, ah, ****. And I looked around, there were some witnesses sitting outside the nightclub. I go, damn, I got to pull him over now. Why ain't you inside? So I pulled him over, and I'm still trying to let this dude go. My whole plan is to let him go. I go to the driver's side window, I knock on the window, he rolls down the window, and a dude in the middle starts yelling at me. He's like, I'm a black man without a record. I'm a black man without a record. I was like, I would like you to keep that title. Could you quiet down, please? Then he just kept yelling, you pulled me over because I'm black. I go, ************, your windows were tinted. I don't know what color you were. Now, granted, it was a Cadillac. It was souped up. Had an amazing sound system. You gonna say Gary Guess, I would have guessed black, but you ain't gonna tell me I knew. That could have been Paul Warr, Bubba Sparks. Shit. So now I got him out of the car, and I'm still trying to let him go. I got him on the trunk, no handcuffs, just got him on the trunk, you know, just hands right here. Now the nightclub's letting out. Why the **** did it have to be hip-hop nights? God damn it. All these people are coming out. They just see this brother on the back of the car. I'm this white-ass cop looking at him, and it's just black people, black people, black people, two white girls coming out of the club. Black people, black people, black people, two white girls. Now this brother's trying to bowl up like he's Denzel in Training Day. Oh, you motherfuckers see this ----? I'm sitting here like, Ethan Hawke, are we good? We good, right? I had to arrest them. I didn't want to arrest them. I'm still mad about that, you know. But that's what you got to deal with when you're working nights. But that's the bad part about working nights. The good part about working nights is we had keys to every building on the base. So when I was working nights, I'd always go to the daycare and steal all those little breakfast burritos. Those things were delicious. I know there was some mad-ass four- and five-year-olds, where's my burrito? Drinking them good-ass elementary school chocolate milks. They used to love that ----. You know, you pull up that little refrigerator, and you got that line of red, that's whole. That line of blue is 2%. But that goddamn brown, don't **** with that ----. I used to be killing that ---- in the daycare. I'd be sitting on little beanbags, taking naps. They'd be looking for me. Psh, Petty Officer Owen. Uh, yeah, I got an alarm that went off at the daycare. I'm just gonna walk through and make sure everything's clear. I'll be right back. Be an hour later. Psh, Petty Officer Owen. Uh, yeah, I just came back real quick, did a sweep of the building. The cool part about the base I was on, it was a base called NAB Coronado. And on that base, there was three SEAL teams, and we had the BUDS people that were trying to be Marines. And being that close to them, I never want to do that. They literally tried to kill these motherfuckers. They were trying to kill these dudes. There was one exercise, I don't get it to this day. They would tie their ankles and their wrists together, throw them in a pool. They got to sink to the bottom of the pool, push up, catch a breath, go back down. Push up, catch a breath, go back down. And I'd be in my car eating my burritos and chocolate milk like... That's like 18 times. How many times you gonna make them go to the bottom of the pool? This is a stupid-ass exercise. You ain't gonna go to the bottom of the ocean and push up. That's too deep. The ocean's way deeper than the pool. Maybe if a turtle swims by, they could jump off a turtle shell or something, but they ain't gonna make it to the bottom of the ocean if your legs and your arms are tied together. I don't know what the point of this ---- is. Come on, let's go back to daycare. But you know, everything happens in twos and threes. So when I arrested that guy on Friday, it was like the next Wednesday comes, and it's the same nightclub at the same time of night, but now the nightclub's kind of empty. I see this guy and girl about 1.30 in the morning leaving the nightclub. And they start walking towards the beach. Now, we had a beach on our base, but it's a military installation. You can't just be walking on the beach. So I was following them from afar, and then I saw them sit down in the sand, and the dude put his arm around the girl and went in for the kiss, and I go, oh, we might have something here. So I put my car in reverse, called everybody else on patrol. I said, we might have something on the beach. Let's give it about 15, 20 minutes to see how this ---- plays out. So we all went silent. We all went dark. We waited about 15, 20 minutes, and then we were all coming up real quiet. So we had an ATV coming this way, an ATV coming this way, and two Jeeps coming over this little sand dune. We don't know what we're about to see, but we got them fog lights on our car, so we're about to light these two up. We're like, all right, on the count of three. One, two, three. Wham! We lit them motherfuckers up. All we saw was this white ass pumping away. And then the ************ froze. Realized he was caught. Son of a bitch, he tried to finish. Yeah! Oh, he's trying to finish. He's trying to finish. So now, now this dude, he's trying to cover up the girl because he's on top of her, but he's still in her. He hasn't left yet. And now he's yelling at us, come on, guys, respect the lady. Respect the lady. I'm like, remove the penis. Sir, remove the penis. We can't talk to you. Remove your penis, sir. Sir, you do have to remove your penis before we discuss anything. Please remove your penis. I remember he was standing there. He didn't have his clothes on. He had them right here. He was holding them. He goes, what now? Now the girl's looking at me. I'm looking at her like a disappointed uncle. What would your parents think of you right now? Don't you ever let a man bring you out on the beach like that, girl. You got sand in your pussy right now, girl. Don't you ever let a man put sand in your pussy. You know what's in that sand? Sand crabs. Those sand crabs will eat your pussy alive. You go home, but you take your ass to medical in the morning. You can check that. I remember I saw her like a week later in the chow hall. She goes, Petty Officer Owen, no crabs. It's been an interesting couple of years, though. These last years have been doozy for me. I got a vasectomy last year because I had twins. That wasn't in the game plan. That was a hell of a phone call. I was coasting, man. I was doing good. My divorce went final. All my kids are over 18. I'm coasting. Here comes some good pussy. Talk about mystery in the room. That phone call, I did not know the phone call was coming like that. I picked up the phone. The girl's like, she goes, hey, Gary. I said, hey. She goes, what are you doing? I was like, nothing. I was like, I've been thinking about you. She goes, I've been thinking about you, too. I was like, I ain't seen you in a minute. She's like, you're about to see a lot more of me. I was like, well, ----, tell me something. She goes, I'm pregnant. I said, call you back in two days. What the ****? I need 48 hours of processing information. Then I wrapped my brain around it. I was like, okay, I got twins coming. I can handle that. Not a big deal. I didn't know it was twins at first. I had a baby coming, you know, because that's something, too. I'm like, okay, I got a baby coming. I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. Then she calls me like a month later. She goes, Gary, you're not going to believe this. It's twins. I was like, okay, you're doing a lot right now. I'm trying to be cool with all this, but every month you call me on my bullshit. Seriously, what's going to happen next, my Siamese? I called my doc. I said, doc, I've got to get a vasectomy. He goes, I've been trying to tell you. I said, I'm ready. I didn't research vasectomies enough, for one. I just thought you go in, you get snipped, you keep it moving. No. My doctor's like, you've got to come in, you've got to take a physical, and then I didn't know you had the option of being awake or asleep, so I did the anesthesia, took a little nap, woke up, and obviously the first thing you do when you wake up is check your ---- out. A couple things I know about a vasectomy. One, I didn't know they shaved your balls because I woke up and looked down. I was like, damn, they faded the **** out of my nutsack. I must have had a black barber. He lined my ---- up. It was crispy as hell. I said, oh my God, look how he blended that. I've never seen a mid-fade on some nuts. I was in the mirror for two days, like, get the **** out of here. That's how I hope nobody ever breaks into my iCloud. They see some of the videos and pictures and think I'm like, what the **** is Gary doing? I was over here doing boomerangs with my ----. But I thought, you just get snipped and you're ready to go. That is not how vasectomies work. My doctor explained to me, he goes, Gary, no, you still got swimmers in there. You gotta clean the pipes out. Gotta get those swimmers out. I said, what does that mean? He goes, well, let's just play it safe. Give me 20 releases, which is basically 20 ejaculations. I said, okay. So I called my doctor a week later. I was like, done. Light work. He was like, damn, already? I said, I'm trying to get active, doc. He goes, no, you still gotta come in. I go, for what? He told me, we gotta send a sample off to a lab to make sure there's no swimmers in there. Now, this ---- was worse than a vasectomy because a vasectomy, I'm asleep. This ----, I'm awake. So I go in my doctor's office. My doctor's a dude, but he got six girls in there, right? So he has six nurses, and they all know I'm there to go in this room and give a sample, which is basically jack off in a cup. So all these nurses know I'm there to jack off, which is kind of embarrassing. And then the one nurse is sitting there. She's got the cup on the table. She goes, okay, Mr. Olin, all you gotta do is put a sample in the cup. Don't dilute the sample, okay? So, and then you just put it on there and seal it up. That's doctor talk. She's basically a nut in a cup. Don't dilute the sample. So no lotion, no saliva. That ----'s dry. That ---- hurt. Plus, how do you nut in a cup? I don't nut like this. I nut straight. Who the **** nuts at an angle? I could not get that ************ in there. I finally had to put my cup on the floor, act like I was in prison shanking a ************. Who you ******* with, homie? I was holding it up. Die slow, motherfuckers. Had to seal it up. Then I had to do the male version of the walk of shame. I can honestly say I know what a woman feels like leaving a hotel room at four in the morning with the same clothes on. I just got my head down to all the nurses. Bye, Mr. Olin. Not today, please. Good thing about a vasectomy, though, I'll never have that phone call again. Never. Nobody will ever call me and say, I'm pregnant. My doctor told me he can't give you 100% success rate. He's like 98. He's like, Gary, it's a medical miracle if you ever get a girl pregnant again. I said, thanks for that, doc. 98%, I'll take that. If a girl tried to call me now and say she's pregnant, I might cuss her out. I never cussed out a woman. I never raised my voice to a woman, but I will. I will. Let a girl try to call me right now. Gary, I'm pregnant. Bitch, you lied! It ain't mine, hoe! It ain't mine, hoe! Hang up. And don't ask me why I just hung up like it's 1985. It felt better. I feel good slamming that phone down. It don't hit the same. Alexa, off. Bye, bitch! Off, Alexa. Thank you. You know what I haven't done since I got my vasectomy? I'm gonna do it. I ain't done it yet. I just want to nut my girl's mouth and then look at her and say, does it taste any different? Why'd you ask me that? Because this coffee's decaffeinated now. Baby, you just swallowed Coke Zero. What you talking about? It is a little lighter on my palate. Right? People always ask me, too. They be like, is it hard having, you know, twins at your age? Because my boys are two now. They're toddlers. I'm like, no, it's pretty easy. I got a nanny. You know, my ex was mad. That's the only thing my ex's been mad about since the divorce was I had a nanny, you know? Because I remember I saw her at the airport. We're pretty cordial now. And I said, well, you know I have twins? She goes, yeah. So I was showing her pictures of the twins and in one of the pictures she saw a white leg and a white arm. She goes, who's that? I go, oh, that's the nanny. She goes, you have a nanny? You have a nanny? She goes, we don't have a nanny. I said, well, you met me at the wrong time. You can stay mad. I ain't getting rid of her, ************. And I really wanted a Spanish-speaking nanny is what I wanted. Because I wanted my boys just to be spoken Spanish to by one person the whole time. Because I don't know why we don't start speaking I don't know why we don't start teaching Spanish like in kindergarten or first grade. I don't understand that. We can't wait until ninth grade. That's dumb. Especially for boys. Because our cerebral cortex is closed. We can't pick that ---- up. I took Spanish for three years in high school. I can't speak Spanish. I can count to eight. And I know colors. That's it. Ocho. Rojo. Azul. Amarillo. I don't even say black. That's too close. I feel I'm going to get a nine out of ten on the Spanish test. Because I remember when I was in ninth grade I was taking the Spanish test. Miss Rodriguez was holding them goddamn colors up. I was killing that ----. Rojo. Azul. Amarillo. Blanco. Uh-uh. Verde. I was like, you missed one, Gary. No, I didn't. Go ahead and give me that B+. When we were looking for a nanny we had to go through an agency. So the agency sent us three different options and we had to give each woman a week. So the first week we had a middle-aged white lady. She was great. She was probably in her late 50s. And the second week they sent the Spanish lady. So you don't know what's coming until they knock on your door. So Monday morning I get a knock on the door. I answer the door. And it's this little Spanish girl. And she had to be 25, 26. She had a tattoo on her neck. She had a whole sleeve. She had these goddamn Lululemon sweats with that ******* fat ass. I was like, are they trying to set me up? Looking around for hidden cameras. They must have known about my past or something. And Monday and Tuesday she was great. She was speaking Spanish to the boys. I go, oh, we might keep her. Wednesday morning I woke up. I poured a cup of coffee. I go in the kitchen. I'm looking in the living room. I look over. She got both my boys on the ground changing their diapers. But she's bent over. So I know she had a tramp stamp. She got the tattoo back there. She got another pair of Lululemon sweats on. That ass was looking at me. I was like, oh, she just got fired. You ain't setting me up, ************. **** you. I'm trying to be a good dude, but I'm still a dude. That's all I need is one day it's just me and her at the house. The boys are taking a nap. I'm having a dumbass conversation. So where'd you get your tattoos? That's some nice work right there. You got any more? All of a sudden I get that phone call. I'm pregnant. I'm like, I got a vasectomy. She goes, oh, that don't work on us, ************. You got a white, black girl vasectomy. You ain't get a Latina vasectomy. I be calling my dog. Dog, you said it was 98% successful. She's Spanish? Yeah. Ooh, that's 42% for the Latinos. 98% for everybody else, but 42% for the Latinos. The boys are here now, though. What are you going to do? It's funny, too, because when you get a When you get a black girl pregnant, I just assumed my two boys would look mixed. No. One of my boys is white and one of my boys is black. And I'm an over-thinker, so I worry about the white one a lot. I do. Because I don't want him to get older. You know? I don't want him to start using the N-word. I don't want black people looking at him sideways. The **** did you say? He got a picture of his mom around. That's my mom. That's my mama, man. We good, relaxed, I remember. His brother's right there. That's my twin dog. He's certified A1 day one. I've seen the paperwork. And it's wild, too, because they just turned two, but the white one already acts white, and the black one already acts black already. It's weird how they know. Babies are smart. Because I was a little worried in the beginning, man, because when they were learning how to walk, it took them forever, man. They just couldn't get their gait down. I thought something might be wrong, because they just wouldn't bend their knees. It was like for six months, they was all walking around the house like they was Forrest Gump, just sitting there. But we had these walkers. If you put my boys in walkers, they used to be flying around the house. But it was funny, because if you put the white one in his walker, the second you drop him in the walker, he just takes off doing circles around the couch, yelling, screaming, having the time of his life. Ah! You put a black one in his walker, he don't go nowhere. He'll be sitting there looking at the white one, like, where you going? The black one will look at him like, he ain't going nowhere, Dad. And the white one just won't stop. Ah! But if the doorbell would ring, like Amazon would come to the door, the white one would stop running around the couch, look at the door, beeline to the door, be smiling, waving at the Amazon driver. Ah! The black one, cautious as ****. Even when the Amazon driver would leave, the white one would stay at the door, wave at him, smile until he gets in the van. Ah! The black one, to this day, I don't know how he did it. Taught himself how to walk backwards. All right. Like, if their personality is maintained at the rate they're going, I can see them getting older, going to college. I can see the white one going to a frat party, jumping off the roof into a pool, doing keg stands, shotgun and beers. And I can see the black one at the same frat party, still sitting back, looking at the white one. Been like this his whole life, dog. Hey, I love that ************, but he a wild boy, man, he a wild boy. Hey, hey, hey, real talk, we was babies. He was getting his walker and just running around the motherfucking house, man. Wasn't going nowhere. Just gotta let that ************ live, man. This is how he is, yeah. Yeah, you got a pool? Yeah, he gonna jump off the roof, trust. He gonna jump off the roof. Told you. And, you know, but here's the thing, man. I'm glad my boys are here, but that was kind of irresponsible on my part. I knew I should have pulled out. I'm too old to be making irresponsible moves like that. You know? At my age, I knew better. You know what I mean? Because at my age, listen, there's no premature ejaculation. You know when it's gonna happen. Your body's always talking to you. Premature ejaculation, that's like a teenage term. That's why there's so many teenage pregnancies, because teenage boys never know when they're gonna finish. Them motherfuckers hit a nipple. At my age, when you're pumping, you can feel the ---- percolating. Your body's talking to you. Girl, if you're trying to change positions, do it now. We got about 10 to 12 more pumps and this is a wreck. We are not going into overtime. This will end in regulation. Listen, even when I was in the middle of doing it, half my brain was trying to tell me, half my brain was like, Gary, get out of there! You too old, bro! And the other half was like, hey, **** what he talking about. This ---- feel good. Treat yourself. Treat yourself. What the **** you listen to him for? I'm talking back. I am gonna treat myself. I deserve this. I worked really hard. Treated myself to 18 years times two, ************. But that's why, you know what, that's why I appreciate women so much, man. Because a woman can get pregnant and she can call all her girlfriends and it'll be nothing but love and support other than that phone. Girls really be supporting their homegirls, man. Because a girl can get pregnant, she can call her girlfriend and she's like, hey! What are you doing? You're not gonna believe this. I'm pregnant. Oh my God, congratulations! No. You don't understand. I'm really scared. No, no. You are an amazing woman. You will be an amazing mother. Yeah. Dudes ain't like that. I called. I wish I wouldn't have called. Some bitch had me thinking conspiracy theories and ----. I said, hey, man, I got this girl pregnant. You think she set you up? I go, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, she didn't set me up, man. I'm literally not in her. I could have left at any moment. You know? I mean, seriously, what was she gonna do? Lock me in and ----? Like, nah, Gary, you ain't going nowhere tonight. Let me go. I don't want another baby. I don't want another... Oh! I don't like that term unexpected pregnancy. I hear that term a lot when people say that ----. Well, that was an unexpected pregnancy. Some people say that ---- about me. I go, no, no, I'm not in her. That should be expected. An unexpected pregnancy is if you nut in an esophagus or a belly button. That would be unexpected. I got a couple buddies that got belly button babies. Ha, ************! Like I said, listen, there was some extenuating circumstances of why I didn't pull out, because I remember the night it happened. When she called me, I knew exactly the night that I got her pregnant, because we were in Italy. Listen, I had never been to Italy. I wanted to go. I go, well, girl, so you want to go to Italy? She had never been to Italy. So we get to Italy. First night we're there, we're in Rome. And listen, if I fly a girl to Italy, we're going to **** the first night. That's why I brought you. I didn't bring you to see the Vatican. This is not a religious retreat. I brought you to ****, and most girls know that. Yeah, because you don't want to be that girl that got left in St. Croix last summer. I don't know if you guys heard about this story. There's an NBA player, his name is DeAndre Ayton. He flew this girl to St. Croix, and she got over to St. Croix, and she didn't want to sleep with him when they got over there. He left her ass there. And she deserved to get left, the audacity of her. And then she made an Instagram post and acted like it was DeAndre's fault, like he's a bad dude. She goes, I'm stuck in St. Croix, because DeAndre Ayton flew me over here, and I didn't want to have sex with him, so he left me here. I'm looking at her Instagram post like, bitch, if you don't get on your knees and say thank you, DeAndre, for this amazing vacation. That's all she had to do, suck him off a couple times, ride him a couple times. She'd have been on jet skis all week, some bathing on yachts, eating grapes like this. But now she's on her iPad looking for international flights on Spirit. Spirit, don't fly international ho, I hope she's still in St. Croix. Most girls ain't stupid, they know what time it is. There's girls in here right now that got flown to Philly. You know what time it was when you got to Philadelphia. The funny part is, ain't nobody say bullshit. Everybody just went, that's a long drive, though. I don't know what I would've did if my girl would've told me no the first night we were in Italy. We just been on a 12-hour flight, we in Rome, first night you gonna tell me no? I might've walked over to the Coliseum like, I can see why they killed motherfuckers here back in the day. They should reopen this ---- for a couple hours. My girl knew what time it was. But that's why I didn't pull out, ************. I'm in Italy, it's my first night. I don't even know this, I pull back the curtain of my hotel, I got a balcony, my balcony is looking at the Coliseum. So my first night in Italy, I left my door open on the balcony, that Italian air is flowing through the room. I'm looking at the Coliseum, it's all lit up. Got my girl been over to bed, she got a fat ass skinny waist. I was looking at the Coliseum, I was looking at that ass. I was looking at the Coliseum, I was looking at that ass. I don't know why I started thinking of my stepdad Rodney, I was like, yeah, who's gay now, ************? I knew I wasn't pulling out that night, that was childhood trauma coming out of me. I was hitting that ---- so hard. The problem was, I looked at the Coliseum too long, I thought I was Russell Crowe for about 45 seconds. I was hitting that ----. My name is Maximus Seuss. And I will have my revenge in this life or the next. She was like, what the ****? But as soon as I finished, reality came rushing back. I was like, looking like you. I think I took that movie too far. I forgot he died at the end. I think I took that movie too far. You know how guys are, we know we messed up, we try to rationalize ---- in our brain, I go, nah, we should be good, we should be good. Yeah, because we American, we in Italy. I don't think two Americans can get pregnant in Italy. I was looking at my watch, according to the time change, it's 8.45 in the morning back home, you can't get pregnant on the way to work. But that's why I didn't. That's the reason I did not pull out of my Twinder here, because I was in Rome. You know. Like if I'd have been, I don't know, if I'd have been at a Holiday Inn Express in Laurel, I definitely would have pulled out. Me, I am about to nut you at a Holiday Inn Express in Laurel. I'm not bringing a child into the world under these circumstances. Why are people looking around? I went there for my junior homecoming. I've never seen a whole crowd go, yeah, that's off the beltway. Right by the firehouse. Yeah. That pussy was good, though. Yo, that pussy was so good, though, I named one of my twins Rome. Yeah. I'm so glad I didn't **** her in Anacostia. That'd been a weird name for a little boy, little Anacostia Owen. Sounds like somebody in Jelly Roll's band and ----. Tonight on the guitar, we got Anacostia Owen! Thank you, Jelly! So when the, um, when the show's over, we do a meet and greet, and then I got, um, I got t-shirts I sell. I know this is a little, most people don't do this on their specials, but I got alimony. These are court-ordered t-shirts right here. So, even if you didn't like my special night, Gary, I didn't think you were that funny tonight, but you still want to support a black woman, this is how you do it right here. Stand strong with your queens, ladies. She is out here by herself. Damn, so the t-shirt, it's not gilding, she can wear it more than once. So it's, um, my podcast is called Gissome, and that's my face on the shirt. Because somebody one night, I was showing my t-shirt, and they was like, hey, man, you got a black face on your ----. I go, it's gray, stop trying to start ----. You can't put a white face on a white shirt, you wouldn't see the face. If I wanted to put a white face on a white shirt, you know what I'm talking about, eyebrows and lips. All right, but no, we had a choice to film the special, and I said I really wanted to do it in D.C., because this is where I kind of started my life at, so I'm so glad we did it here, and I'll see you guys next time. I'm Gary. Thank y'all. Good night. Thank you.