Peter Kay’s Favourite Stupid Sayings | Stand-Up Comedy Compilation | Peter Kay

I used to work in a shop, me, and I used to till stuff up. I'm showing you, look. When people came in, they'd come in. I'd say, that's £3.42, please. Do you want the 42? What? Do you want the 42? Yeah, I do. Otherwise, it'd be three quid. And that's not enough, is it? No, you're alright. I'll take it out of my wage, shall I? People say stupid things. A woman came up to me in Bolton at Christmas. She went, excuse me, love, excuse me. Am I going the right way? I don't know where you're going. I'll tell you this for free. I love that one. I'll tell you this for free. Put your money away. Believe you, me. Me? What, I get dragged in? You, me? What am I? You, me? What's it got to do with me? You, me? I won't touch him with a barge pole. Whose barge pole? Whose garage? I won't touch him with a ten-foot pole. Who's this Larry? Who's this Larry fella? We can compare ourselves to his, aren't we? First things first. That's a belter. Come on, first things first. Really, let's have first things third, shall we? Well, I love it when you come back off your holidays and people say, hey, I see you brought the good weather back with you. Imagine that at customs, eh? I'm going to look in here, shall we? Oh, Jesus Christ, I'm blinded, blinded. It's crowded out here. Look at that, then. I went round me grandma's flat. I walked in, she said, guess who's dead? Guess who's dead? I've got to guess. Guess who's dead? Where do you start with something like that? Guess who's dead? You'll never guess. Chuck me at phone, bud. Who, Connie? Who's Connie? Connie, hit flat upstairs. I heard a thud during bargain hunt. I don't know who you mean. Who's Connie? Connie, Connie, Connie. Oh, well, now you've repeated it. Bloody penny's dropped, eh? There were Connie Pantrieser and Joe. He had a beard, emigrates to Canada. Member of John R.E.F. Big lad. His daughter, Donna, granddaughter, used to be an usher with you. She had crayons. She's in police now. She's a desk sergeant. She had a club foot. She had a kink in her leg when she walked. Just look at Warburton's. Jimmy's in Barstow. He knocked a nun down on Green Lane in a three-wheeler. Kelly and Angela live over at dry cleaners together. They're both men. You can't say lesbian, me nan. I should burn if she says lesbian. They're both lesbian. Connie, dead, eh? I only saw her on Tuesday and all. And? Well, she looked all right to me. I said, she got knocked down by a bloody bus. What do you want to look like that? I saw her in Nettles shopping. I said, what do you want? Grim Reaper pushing a trolley behind her. Come on, Connie, love, get in. You don't need firelighters. Not where you're going. Come on. Time's time. Come on, I've got a pony on this trolley. Get in child's seat. Come on. Oh, can't, Grim Reaper. Let me tell you. Come on. Oh, me side, me wrist are wrecking. Tell you now. Take me hood off. Is it Otten here? Is it me? I love that. Is it Otten here? Is it me? Who is he? He's all right. But who is he in himself? Who is he in himself? Who is he, a contortionist? A friend of mine won a trolley dash around Nettles. Seriously, a trolley dash. Run round, got to checkout. Trolley piled up here. They tilled it up, 11 quid. You can't argue with them prices, can you, eh? It's the only place I know where carrier bags are dearer than beans. And they're good carrier bags and all. They are the kind of carrier bags that your mum uses to put all other carrier bags inside. What's all that about? Mum, have you got a carrier bag? Stang on. I've got a next one in here with good handles. Where is it? Mum, we're going. Wait. Mum, we're back. Went to Connie's funeral just before Christmas. Really bad day, raining. Fine rain, touched through. Which kind of rain, that fine rain? It's trying. It would if it could. Can't make its mind up. I didn't know what coalfoot put on. Raining. They went to cemetery. They went back to pub because they put a bit of a buffet on for Connie. Not this yet, much. And there were, there's always aunties and uncles that you haven't seen for years. Aunties, not your proper aunties and uncles, just friends. And there's always an Uncle Nobby. There's always an Uncle Nobby. There's an Uncle Nobby in everyone's family. There's one in ours. I'll not tell you his name, Jack. He's a sweep over. Smokes roll-ups. Yellow stain. Always setting fire to you when he's talking. Say a listing. If I'm with the enemy, that's right. I've just had a bypass. Touch and go. My heart's on its arse. Is it? Not a medical term. He came into the toilet. He went, woo, woo! Police here. Woo! Look at you, eh? Hey, you're shooting up, aren't you? No, I'm having a piss, actually, if you don't mind. Hey, how old are you now? 29. 29, woo! Catching me up. No, you'll always have that 25 years edge on me, won't you? I remember you when you were down here. Yeah, well, I don't want to talk about that, if you don't mind. They're all sat round having some buffet. This woman said, ooh! Ooh! Did you see it rain today at Cemetery? Raining. I've never known rain like it. But, when they lowered that coffin at Connolly's, did you see it? Did you notice? Clouds parted, and bloody sun shone. That were Connolly. She were there. She did that. That were Connolly. I said, what? That were weather. No, no. That were Connolly. She were there. Isn't that right, Lena? That's that. I'll tell you now. I lost my belly five years ago. He loved, mm! He loved cheese, onion, crisp. He loved them. Cheese, onion, crisp. He couldn't get enough of them. Couldn't move for quavers, and I wrote. He loved multi-packs, quavers. And when he died, and they lowered his coffin into the ground, I swear on our Christine's eyes, as they lowered the coffin, God as my witness, an empty bag of quavers blew across him. Shops are bad when you go in shops. I don't like it when they start. You know when they think you've got forged money? And they make you pay for it. And there's a queue behind you. They start looking at you like, you know, they start holding up some lights, see if Queen's got her tash. On that ultraviolet machine. You know, they make you feel. I went into one shop. I gave her a 20 pound note. She looked at me like I'd come into her house on Christmas day and pissed on her kids. I said, hey, it's a 20 pound note, love. I'm not from Mars. When she gave me my change, I bit it, Matt. Just checking, love. It's not chocolate. You know what I mean? Two can play at that game, flower. People apologise for change as well. Can I give you all this change, love? Can I get rid of all this shrapnel? Can I get rid of all this ---- on you, love? Can I ---- on you, love? Can I get rid of all this? Oh no, we're glad of it. We're glad of it, aren't we, Barbara? We're glad of it. We need it. Oh, you've come at right time. We're glad of it. I went to Chippy on a Friday night, right? Chippy tea, like you do. It's a lot. I went in. I gave her a 20 pound note, this woman. Now, as she's putting it into till, she turns to the other woman who's serving behind the counter, right? Oh, hear me out. They do this in Greggs. As she's putting it in, she says to the other woman, 20 pound going in, Marion. 20 going in, love. I said, hey, mouth. There's two drug dealers eyeing me up for me change here. He's got 17 pound change, that lad. I'm going to be lying out front street in a minute covered in peas, winded. They don't do peas down south. I went down south doing some shows. Went to a Chippy. I said, chips and peas, please. Don't do peas. You what? We don't do peas. They don't do peas. They don't do. That's my friend. He's outside through winded. You've got to talk like that through glass. They don't do peas. Curry sauce. They do curry sauce. Don't do curry sauce, mate. What? We don't do curry sauce. They don't do curry sauce. Curry sauce. No go. Gravy. They don't do gravy. My friend come in. He said, hey, how's that out moist? Out moist. Forget it. We're going. 20 pound going in. People are, all people are weathered. Oh, oh, it's too warm for me. Oh, oh, it's warm. I like it warm, but I don't like it this warm. It's too warm. You know, there's warm and there's warm. Oh, I'm sweating cobs. What? What are cobs? I'm ringing. I'm wet through. Look at me. Oh, it's sticky weather. It's sticky. Clammy. I can't get me breath. Go! I don't want to shut the cock wheel yet. The auntie Sandra. She in? The auntie Sandra is a dinner lady. One of them pink women. One of them pink ladies you used to get at school. Dinner lady. Another one on the dinner break. Pink women. Pink over, pink tabby. I love that word. Tabards and pink, pink legs, pink heads, pink hair. Proper pink. You used to go round playgrounds. Stop you having any fun. Go round. Stop that. Cut it out, you. Quit that. Don't do that. Put that down. Three of them there were. They were, my auntie Sandra, but not my proper auntie. And there were Janice and Barbara. And they'd go round. Stop that. Stop you playing army. Army. I've got a stick for a gun. Who am I hitting with a stick? Duh-rah. Oh, they're all in pain now, aren't they, little man? Duh-rah. Lots of three noises for guns. Duh-rah. Tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk. Tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk. And the worst, the shittiest one, which were mine. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Girls like, look how immature. Queenie-O, Queenie-O, who's got the barley on? Trying to be pocket. Yeah, them mature girls. Stop that. Cut it. You used to come out of it rained as well. You'd be playing out and they'd go mad. They'd have these, they'd have fits. They couldn't believe it. They'd be like, they'd get all hysterical. They'd see them, they'd be stood about 100 yards apart and they could feel it coming, rain. They could feel it coming. They'd be like eyeing each other up and down. They were looking like that. And they could sense it, like that. Smell it. They could smell the rain. One big splodge, like that. Pachooom. It's spitting. Everybody in at the Kingsgate. Stop beginning to save in private, right? And get inside. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I'm shooting people. Oh, I'll tell you this one. I went to a pie shop. I gave her, I gave her a 10 pound note, right? And she's giving me my change. She went, there you go, love. 718, she wanted your twos, she wanted your fives, 10, 50 and 10s of change. I said, hey, what's that you're saying to me? What's that? Coach, change that into me, huh? 718, she wanted your twos, she wanted your fives, 10, 50 and 10s of change, love. Much obliged to you. Come again. That's just mathematical bollocks. What's that you're saying to me? Do you want Piccadilly? I'd rather lick my own arsehole, love, if you don't mind. Piccadilly, what's that? What's Piccadilly? Don't eat anything that's luminous. You'll be drinking mild next. Scientists don't know. I bought a steak and kidney pie. She went, there you go, love. Watch me juices. I said, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I want a pie, like your life story. Yeah, what's the matter with you? Hey, I'll tell you what you're laughing, but I'll end up like our parents, you know. It's inevitable. Who will? Tell you. All right, 40 years from now, we'll be there. You know. Oh, I tell you, you don't know you're born, you. Oh, me and your mum used to have it in the evenings, with Sky Digital. PlayStation. Oh, we had it in the evenings, you know. You used to have to manage with a car each, a car each. Your mum had a dishwasher. You don't remember. Look at her face. You don't remember then, a dishwasher. Oh, she used to have to go over, take all the plates, open it up, load them in by hand, on her own, turn it on. I'm telling you now, you don't know you're born. We didn't have any of them hoverboards. They were just pipe dreams then, son. Turn that music off, it's crap. Get a bit of bloody, put a bit of Bass McJack's on. Go on, put a bit of Bass McJack's on. Bit of decent music, come on. Bit of drum and bass. Put a bit of Prodigy on for your mum. She loves that. Look at her. Smack your bitch up, go on, she loves that. Put a bit of that on. Come on, son, look, it's hammer time. It's hammer time, come on. Laptop. Can't touch this, son. Go on, it's hammer time. Crank it up. Slimming World, red and green days. Who goes Slimming World? Slimming World, I went once. It's, if you don't know what Slimming World is, it's like Weight Watchers, but it's a quid cheaper. Red and green days. I went once, Methodist Church Hall in Bolton. Thursday night, all women sat round in semi-circle. Let's have a look at you girls now. Big round of applause for Debbie. This week, she's lost a pound. I said, I ---- a pound. What's that? Big deal. Cost me 350. Get in, what's a pound? Shh, shh. Joan at the back. Any problems this week, Joan, love? Yeah, I can't poo. I didn't even know that. I'm eating a Nutri-Grain here, you dirty bitch. Carol at the back. What's happened to you, love? What's happened to you? You were doing really well, really well. You nearly had your arse stone sticker. What's going on, love? I'm looking here now, at me hand. And I'm worried. What happened? I was doing really well. And it got to Wednesday. And I don't know. Come on, tell us, share it with the group. Come on. Come on, we're all nosy bitches. Tell us. And it got to Wednesday, and I broke one of me nails, and I had a fry-up. I've been there, girls. I've all been there. Give Carol a round of applause, anyway, for trying. They're trying what? Cooking oil, that bitch. What's she trying? Carol, take the C off, Chips. What do you get? It's up to you, love. I can't do it for you. There's always a diet going around work, as well. There's always some girl. This is the diet, right? I'll tell you now. If you want to lose weight, and you want to lose weight quick, you've got to get on this. My mate, she's a nurse, right? She's got it photocopied. I'll tell you now. I swear to God, I'm not shitting you. This is the diet, right? I'll tell you what. You have one tuck cracker and a cup of beetroot, right? You drink your own piss. You drink your own piss, I'll tell you now. It's detox. Detox your body. Detox. Trace is on it, right? She lost 14 stone in a day. 14 stone in a day, I'll tell you now. One day. She's here now. Hello, Madrid. 14 stone in a day. We're on this street at middle of the night, and I'm really thirsty. I said, I'm kind of thirsty. I could photograph you. What? You pick your moments, don't you? We're in Gran Canaria, where it raining. Bit of a cul-de-sac here. She's dragging me down, isn't it, eh? No, it weren't, no. What possessed you? We're all shocked. All of us. You're on glue. Go on. I'm glad I'm not taken to eBay. That bloke from Endergoonies, in that cave. I mean, if you're gonna jump in, help me. Don't just, like, shout out random thoughts, like Tourette's. Next time someone says, pen if your thoughts, sell. So, let's have a look at you. What'd you say, love? Go on. No, you see, you've opened a thing now. They all shout. I didn't ask any of you. I asked that lady. What did that lady say? Not you? No, no, not you. Right, you see, when I pointed that way and I said her, didn't point that way, did I? What did you say, darling? No, no, no, you're not understanding. You don't understand, I'm sorry. No, no, I didn't even say it then. No, no, could someone help her? She's done it again, she's done it again. Done again. What a night we're gonna have. I'll try and whip my material in between them woos, if I can. Oh, there you go. Like a truck reversing. Anyway, love, she's probably gone, this one here. What did you say? No, no, not them behind her. The one in the front, no. It's gonna take a good hour, this, but we'll get there eventually. Spare a whimmy. Go on. Not you, dickhead! Are you a woman? No, you're a man! Show your name! Go on, love, sorry. What were you saying? Not you behind her, or in front. Shush! Go on. Not you! Who the f*** are you? In me ear, I can't handle it anymore. Come on, tell me, what is it? Come here, what did you say? I was telling you, it's the vodka! Kerry! I'll tell you what's occurring, you could breastfeed a Kresh. That's what's occurring. Very strong, mate. You look like Geraldine. So that, what were you shouting? It's the vodka. All that for that? Is that all it's worth? What's the vodka? The vodka's making you shout out? Bloody hell. You've got make-up on. Of course I've got make-up on. Have you seen that? Turn around here. Turn around. Look at them lights there. Exactly. You can't see a pissing thing. If I didn't put make-up on, I'd look like a ghost. It doesn't matter if you wear make-up about to see it. You didn't put make-up on your eyes. Are you having that vodka intravenously? You're slurring your words. What time do you start? After CB Biz? What time do you start? You know what you mean? You know what you... I'm going to say you're off your tits, but there's not enough room. Hell, he's on his arse, this lad, isn't he? Every time there's a gap, he's in with wacky catchphrases. Here's one. You know what I love in mornings when you get up? You never get up if it's 8.03 or 8.04 on your clock. You always wait till 8.05. Why? I was going to round it up till 8.05. I'm not getting up on a bloody odd number. I'm not stupid, am I, Al? No, I ain't, are you? I get up when this song's finished. How long do dads piss for? How long? Once a week for about 20 minutes. You look at the clock, it's 8.07, so now you've got to wait till 10 past, eh? Technology moves on. I remember when we got our very first video in the early 80s, we got a... I don't know what it was, but they had to take a front-room window out to bring it in, it was that big. Ferguson Video Star, top loader, big, huge, silver thing. When you press eject, oh, those shoes shake with that load. Massive. Remote control on a wire, do you remember that? Remote control on a wire, you couldn't go that far with it. If you're a lad, you couldn't watch a bit of Blue at midnight, cos then everyone could hear it fast-forwarding about three streets away. So I've heard. Anyway, no. I'll be up in a minute, Mum, I'm just getting a drink. HE WHISTLES Jeez, shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Mum, I'm stuck, I'm stuck, he's got me! Mum, he's got my skin, he's got my skin! He's got my skin, get the remote! I hope nobody comes in late now. What casualty were that on you? I just tripped, I fell into it. I've tried tracking, I've tried tracking, I've tried everything. He's got me, love, he's got me. What do you mean, three hours? I wasn't naked, yes. When you used to have a video, everyone used to have their own tapes, I used to love that, my mum would have her tape, written on in biro, Mum's tape, do not use. Soldier, soldier, keep off. Thorn birds, leave it. My dad, my dad used to have a night of labelling. He used to get them stickers that you get free with blank videos and get out floor, put a big light on. You're laughing. Do you do that? Get them little numbers you get free. Number 12, number 30. Who's all the threes off here, eh? Where have all my number threes gone? I'm going to have to use a bino, turn upside down, I'm about to piss an end off, aren't I? You can't do nothing in this house. Yeah, you love your eyes, not your hands. They had a pack of five JVC, even, yes. Used to buy them in all video library cases, do you remember them? They were like red imitation leather, they made your videotapes look like books, you put them inside. Used to put them in alcove, in corner, all lined up, like Encyclopædia Britannica, in that wooden unit behind glass. Cos my dad was a dwarf. His friends would come round, and he'd say to them, ''Hey, Mick, you're doing a lot of reading. ''They're not books, they look like books, but they're not, come here!'' There's a video, ''Eh, Presto?'' Tape in there, videos, always thinking. ET that, pirate copy. We give that Ferguson video, starting Nan and Grandad, and we got a new one from Tandy, a new video. I remember going round one Christmas, ''Hello, Rick Kitchen?'' I said, ''What are you doing in here? Have you had a row?'' ''No, cos I thought you were taping Wizard of Oz?'' He said, ''We are.'' ''So why don't you go and watch it?'' ''Well, we didn't want to talk, cos it'll come out on video.'' My grandad used to put a cushion over a clock, a video clock. ''What are you doing?'' Put a cushion over a clock. Why? I'll tell you why. Because if any burglars are walking past, and they see that clock flashing, they'll be in, and they'll bloody whip that thing away. I said, ''Whip it away, it's on three blocks for delivery!'' Cushion over a clock. And if you miss any of these programmes, not that you can, cos they're looped every hour, you can get on Tinternet now, get an iPlayer or 4oD, you can download them to your Thaiform now. You can watch them when you go and work your batter on the last six minutes. My old light's on charge. I can't sleep at night for green flashing lights in my bedroom. I'm like, ''Christ, I'm on a ******* spaceship!'' Texting? I've got that bad with texting now. I don't even give my mum three rings when I get anywhere any more. I just text her the words, ''Three rings, send.'' That's an illness. That's a disease, that. I got a silent call on my own phone. You know when they don't speak, and I was coming out of the bedroom that morning, I answered it. ''Hello?'' But I could hear someone breathing, so I knew they were there. ''I can hear you breathing, hello, can you hear me?'' ''I can hear you breathing.'' I thought, ''Some weirdo. Two can play at this game, dickhead. It's all right. You won a war, you've got a war.'' So I sat upstairs and I waited. I waited for a good 40 minutes, I sat there, and then it started freaking me out. So I thought, ''Oh no, I've had enough of this.'' So I hung up, put it back in its holster in the kitchen. Anyway, I went off, I did some bits, like I bleached my cloths. And, ''Oh, you've got to.'' And then I came back after about 20 minutes, and I picked it up again, and there were a dialing tone. So I did 1471, and there were a number. I thought, ''Ah, I've got you, bastard.'' So I pressed three, and my mobile rang in my pocket. I must have bent down in the bedroom, picked my slippers up, and accidentally dialed our house. So now I'm sat halfway downstairs, listening to myself breathing via satellite. For 40 minutes, it cost me £62, that call. Who are these idiots that go home and their holiday clothes? Who? Where are you? These people who travel home practically naked, what do they think the weather's going to be like here? It's minus six. With vest tops and straw hats and shorts on. ''We're going home, we're going home, we're going home.'' Bloody duty-free clinking it back. They're not laughing, though. No, they're not laughing at five o'clock in the morning when they're grouchy as f***, with all their hair stuck up, half-asleep, pissed off. Face all creased, half-asleep, getting off plane. ''Move up, move up, get off plane. ''Come on, get off.'' Running baggage carousels. Baggage carousels, you know when they run for baggage carousels? ''Get a trolley, get a trolley. ''Get a trolley, Marie, get a trolley, get a trolley. ''Run, run, hurry up.'' Doing that running, that one where they run like that. ''Get in, get in, get in, get in, get in. ''Get up, get up, get up, get on top, get on top. ''There's a yellow line. ''F*** that, get right in. ''Get in, get in. ''Ride up to there, get your trolley in. ''Get in, Connie, Connie, get your trolley in. ''F***, Connie, get back, get in. ''Marie, go and ring Andrea, tell her we're back. ''Go on. ''I can't do two things at once, can I? ''I'll be here.'' Freezing, really pissed off with her stuck up. ''I'm here, that's where I am.'' That's it, go right up to the yellow line. ''Right up there, right up to the thingy. ''Don't get... ''Connie, get in, Connie, get in, look. ''Get back here. ''I'm in here. ''Why, angry. ''Where are they, where are they? ''Come on, suitcase, come on, suitcase, where are you? ''Come on, suitcase. ''Come on, bag, it's a bag. ''It's an animate. ''Suitcase, come on, suitcase, where are you?'' And that thing starts moving. Nothing comes though. ''They're coming now. ''Where are these bags? ''I could have loaded these off myself. ''Where are they? ''Plane's only over there. ''I could have done this myself. ''Where are they? ''Quarter to six. ''Come on, old bags are off. ''They're off, old bags. ''They're all on them trolleys. ''Some lad looking for black flaps like that. ''They're all there, Steve. ''Five minutes. ''Yeah, they're freezing, yeah. ''Where's that spare case? ''Shut that spare case off, Alan. ''Shut that spare case off. ''That'll do. ''Come on, Alan, there you go, there you go. ''At last, eh? ''One case at a time. ''Come on. ''Hey, Alan, where's... ''Hey, where's that pram? ''Stick that pram on. ''Where's that pram? ''Yeah, turn that pram off. ''Turn that pram on. ''The pram! ''What's the pram doing? ''Quarter past six. ''Come on. ''Right, it's like a violent generation game. ''Come on. ''They start coming through. ''This is it, here we are. ''Come on, come on. ''This is ours here with ribbon-tied handle. ''So you know it's your bag. ''This is ours here. ''Come on. ''This is mine here. ''Get off it. ''You shot me. ''Bag's off me. ''Bag, bag, get off that. ''That's it. ''Put it back in the keg. ''That's mine now. ''No, it's not. ''Let it go. ''Is that Peter Kay's mum's bungalow? ''Yeah, he's there, look. ''I like your mum's bungalow. ''Is that Freddie Mercury? ''Yeah, she's obsessed with him. ''They had it painted for her birthday. ''Are you doing any more shows? ''Hey, I've no choice. ''She wants it all now. ''Is that a gold toilet? ''Why? ''You want to see a bidet?