Peter Kay: Why Do Mums Buy Crap Pop? | Stand-Up Comedy Compilation | Peter Kay

Why do mums buy crap, Pop? They go to the supermarket on Friday night and do the Friday Big Shop. They never buy Roller Cola. Or Pepsi Roller Cola. Or Panda Cola. Or Strike Cola. Or Freeway Cola. Eight litres for 40p. Shit, Pop, you don't want. Get it drunk. I'm not drinking it. Get it drunk. I'm not drinking it, Mum. I won't mop my drains out with it. It's crap. Get it drunk. I'm not drinking it. It's horrible. It's too big and all. It won't even go in the fridge. It's too big. Look, it won't go in. Not only is it crap, it's warm as well. Warm crap, Pop. I've got 18 litres of this ---- here. We don't want no more. Stop banging it home, will you? Stop bringing it home. Will it cost 40p? I don't know, but it's too strong. It's not cola, that. It's horrible. The children are starving in Ethiopia. Send it to them. They'll send it back. They won't drink it. It's crap, Pop. Once it had enough of banging my head like that, I went, Mum, I'm unbattering my mind. I said, Mum, I said, drink it your f***ing self. Woke up. Casualty. On a drip. Fill with Rolacola. Buy a sawbang and hand him out. Want a nice lolly? We'll make a rollie. Get the nice cube tray from the top of the freezer. Come on, we'll make Rolacola cubes. Rolacola cubes. Mmm. And I may have went out of bleach one year and almost killed my sister. Remember that? Did you know that? No. Because... No, there's a reason, right? No. Because we had a sale outside in Front Street. You know when you have a sale? You just put a blanket down in Front Street, like a duvet, and you have, like, a sale outside. Just try and tell him it's stretch Armstrong for 38p, right? I'd only had two stretches of it since Christmas. It's out there with a price tag around his neck. Magna Doodle. Looking Annuals. Millennium Falcon. There were no wrong with that, right? Beevel Knievel were out there. They're all out, right? Do you ever have a... Girls just make rose perfume. Did you ever do that? Rose perfume. Did you do that? Get an empty bottle of Rolacola, right? It's what you do. Fill it up full of water, right? And put rose petals in it. And then sell it. The able lady was shitting herself, wasn't she? You know what I love when you go for a meal? Nobody complains. You'll all complain to each other, but God forbid you'd ever tell a member of staff. They're on their bloody main meal over here. They're on their main meal. We've only just got our starter. They come in after us, and they're on their main meal. Everything all right? Absolutely fantastic. Really, thank you. Really nice. Thanks very much. Lovely. Special. Shithole. I'm not coming here again. No, it's gone downhill. It's changed hands. So you have your meal, and then you're stuffed. Oh, God, I'm full. Oh, I'm full. I'm going to have to undo my pants. IBS. Oh, I'm full. Would you like a dessert? Are you having one? Are you? Are you having a dessert? I will if you will. Are you having one? Yeah, we'll have a look. We'll have a look. Yeah, we'll have a look. We'll have a look. I know there are no works doing me where there's not been a fight yet. Even me own. And I'm self-employed. I've been last year. Sixty seats a coach. I've been a firework driver. Only stopped for a toilet stop and a leg stretch. From Liverpool, he was. I said to him when we were driving before we had a fight, I said, who are the worst people you get when you're driving? I don't like blokes. Blokes are like animals. I will bring a load of blokes back from the races, and I'm driving up the M6. I look through the rear view mirror and there's a bloke having a piss in the middle of the aisle on my coach. I slam the brakes and he's shot down the coach like that. Piss everywhere. Girls are waste though. Oh my God. Bladders like f***ing egg cups. Driving back from take that. I want to wee, I want to wee. Pulling the out shoulder. Let him get off one by one. Wait till they're squatted. Knickers around their ankles. Reverse 40 feet. Full beam, full beam. They don't like that. Hey, you cheeky bastard. I work hard, I play hard. You know what I'm saying? I had a taxi driver in Birmingham so busy telling me jokes, he didn't have his headlights on. I love that. When you forget to put your headlights on and you get them pedestrians reminding you. You're lying. I'll see you outside Wine Lodge at half past. I'll see you outside Wine Lodge at half past. How low does that hand make it? That's one hand. All that exterior traffic noise. It's just me and you brother. Two things you always say to taxi drivers when you get in. Been busy? What time are you on till? It just comes out. It's like Tourette's. Tourette's. Taxi driver Tourette's. Reminders blank. I've got about half a mile. I'm sat like that. Needed seat cover. You been busy? What time are you on till? What time did you start? Taxi's here. Everyone's rushing around. You all rush for a taxi, don't you? Taxi's here. Taxi, come on. The taxi's here. Eventually, you booked him half an hour ago, they come when they want. They're all liars. Honest. We have a taxi firm in Bolton. Right. You phone up. Right. Phone up. Order a taxi. They answer the phone by saying he's just turning you a corner now. I'm like, can I order it before you start lying to me? Talk about jumping gun. Let me order the frigging thing. We got a taxi on me and my nan. We had this taxi driver. We didn't have him. But we got him. He said, let me tell you something. This country is going down the toilet. I'm getting out of here, my friend. And I'm taking a few of these bastards with me. I said, have you been busy? My mum's in tonight. So I don't have to give her three rings. Let her know I'm safe. You ever do that? Give your mum three rings. Let her know you're safe. And after the second ring, she picks it up. So what's the point of that? I rang her the other week from London. She said, where are you? I said, I'm in London. You don't sound like you're in London. I said, what do you want? Chaz and Dave singing Rabbit behind me or something like that? Snooker, Loubina, Zooey. I love it when the phone rings about half past ten at night and you're both like that. Who the hell's this? Who's this ringing at this time? Who the hell's this? Pick it up, you'll never know. Point it. Who's this? It's rung off. 1-1-7-1. The caller withheld the number? Or when someone rings you and they're trying to give you a phone number, you can never find a pen? There's never a pen. There's always one pen that never works. I'll just get a pen, just hang on. Shit. I'll just get a pen, pen, pen. Have you got a pen, love? The bloody pens I've had in this house. The bloody pens I've had in this house. I don't want an eyeliner. I want a pen. I want my phone. Downside of coach. Pound coin, that's mine. You always end up with them little blue shitty lottery pens about that big. Pen I've got. Go on. Sorry, I've got a pen now. Oh Jesus. Somebody's chewed through end of it. Somebody's bitten through end of it so now every time you try and write the nib goes up inside. So now you've got to carve the number into paper now. 3-0-7-2-9. I'm going to buy a box of pens and I'm going to put them on that pissing phone table. I'll tell you now. A friend of mine had a phone call one afternoon. She had her whole family around. Hello? What did you say? I can't hear you. Just turn that television down. I'm on the phone here. What are you saying? Right down. I can't hear you. Just hang on. She took the phone outside. What did you say? How big are your tits? It was a dirty phone call and she dragged him round house. For the third and final time how big? I'm in a pay phone here. There's a queue outside. There must be pips. Your pips have gone. What are pips? Pips have gone. Pips have gone mum. Then you talk quicker. You try and cram it all in after the pips. Pips lost her. Texting's bad. Texting's the devil. Takes over your life. I text him. I sit at night with my phone on a hammock couch looking every few seconds just to see if someone's texted me. ------- billy no mates. Vodafone have new offers. If you were like balls to your offers. I want friends. That's what I want on offers. When you text you text crap. What are you watching? What are you? What are you watching? Big brother. So am I. Oh no. We're in the same room. Send. What are you doing? Sending this. Not full signal. Send. Gotta get out of here. Send. Answer machines and old people. That's not a good combination I find. Whenever my nan rings. Beep. Hello Peter. It's your nana. Hello. Don't like these bloody things. Hello. Peter. I don't think he's there. I can't see him. What is it? Hello. It's your grandad. Hello. It's your grandad. He's here. I can't see him. Well why is that back door open? Well what you defrosting? Ten minutes of your machine needs to have a conversation. Just forget Walker. Our answering machine at home says please leave your name and number after the beep. Beep. Hello my name is mum and my number Why you not gonna know your own mum? My mum has called this phone for her birthday and I keep saying when we've had a conversation and you want to hang up you've got to push the red button. Right? Do we not just put it back and it's holster? It's what? Holster? It's a phone not a gun. What you on about? Push the red button because if you don't push it you've not hung up you're still on the line and I can't make a call from our house because I can still hear you in the front room of your house talking to Pats about menopause and I can't I can't I've tried HRT and they go Woooooo Shh Can you hear voices? That's a HRT It's not it's us the borrowers put the phone down We're over here at skirting boards I tell you if it's not one thing it's your mother You can tell you're home look at balloons they've given me look at stage weights pots of paint no expense burning Bolton Stars in your eyes tonight Matthew I'm gonna be Glenn Miller he went up them steps and through that fog and no one's seen him since ladies and gentlemen for the old people in the audience old people you can't beat them can you? pity I'm joking especially when they're trying to draw money out of a cash machine with a blockbuster video card there used to be no woman living next door to us there were a power cut one night Miss Wales oh she were and there were a power cut one night my mum went round to see if she was alright knocked on the door she had a hand marker and a hand are you alright? I was worried about you because there's been a power cut what's wrong with your voice? you're not even Irish that's it I thought there'd been a power cut but then a bus went past with it's lights on yeah they plug them in now and put a wire out so I did that at school my mum's got curly hair and brushes her teeth me nana lives in a warden controlled flat warden control means you get a piece of red rope hanging from your ceiling in the front room with a red plastic triangle at the bottom there's one in the bathroom that's tied up right and when she pulls that that goes through to Dougie he's 14 miles away doing a word search it's an extra tender for mum and when I go round she'll say don't pull that that's for warden but you know when you've had your tea and you're watching telly and then you go in kitchen oh no no pull it oh bloody hand goes off shutters on windows laser beams Dougie's on intercom is everything alright Mr K is everything alright it's Dougie do you want thambulance are you breathing are you blue are your lips blue it's alright Dougie when me grandson he thought it weren't big like you're alright I'm alright hey Dougie hey it's Peter here hey she's on her own here you know lad balls to your word search are you listening 10-4 she's just been trying to change channel with a bloody glasses case over she's been trying to rewind CD eyeball it's that with a glasses case these batteries are dud just put freshens in rubbing them yeah rubbing them take them back swap them round put them back in for the five days I take her out sometimes I don't mean with a rifle I mean in car she won't put a seatbelt on she just holds it round her you ever come across that with grandmas I just hold it round me we're alright we're only going up road be right I just hold it round me you're that far from clip just put it in that's just laziness that just clip it in no I just hold it round me great called it a lifebelt I just hold my lifebelt round me lifebelt she's always getting her words wrong she come round our house she went oh have you got Spiderman on VD have you got one of them VD players I tell you what I won't mind one of them new George Formby grills they're all the rage a George Formby grill turned out nice again how much is pick and mix now at cinemas pretty scandalous isn't it I went to pick and mix I said you're alright now knock meself to pick and mix I'll get these woo woo woo fudge feel the weight of them before you put them in eh flumps marshmallows that's what you want flying saucers you want as many of them as you want he's 82 you robbing bastards yeah you should wear a mask and a striped jumper eh not pear drops made of money I took a Manchester watching a film and it were big multiplex we were making a buzzing noise first 20 minutes mm brought me hands full mm I went downstairs I thought I'm not having this cos people won't complain there could be someone up fire up back row and no one will go down so I went down knocked on door this young mank lad come to the door he went you alright I said no son I'm not I said screen five's buzzing He said, oh, cheers, nice one. I'll tell the manager. Look at it, sunshine, it's making a noise. Eh? I'm not very noisy. Get it fixed. See, what's happening there? Is there a goat? Has someone let a goat in? Has a goat just come in here? You know? What's that noise? Can you hear a noise then? Can you hear it? Like thunder? What is it? Drop my wallet, cheeky bastard. You've dropped your wallet. That's staying in. I have not got a clue for a girl or a mini rocket. I don't know. We all heard it though, didn't we? And it went on a little bit too long, didn't it? A little bit eerily too long. And between me and you, I hope it doesn't happen again. Because you feel guilty with the environment. I can't put a can of coke. It's been at all me. I've got to get it out. Put it outside with all my recycling. That just happened then. I've just been heckled by a ship. Who smuggled a ship in? Anyway, I'll just brush over that. I've never been heckled by a ship before. I don't like needles as I've got older. That's why I've stopped shooting up. I don't like needles. I won't go to the dentist because I won't have an injection. I lost a filling at Christmas. Quality Street, Toffee Penny. Be warned. I'm suing them. And I'm suing Ebenez Blue Arbor for getting me into jogging bottoms. Giving me a false sense of security. So I lost the filling but I won't go to the dentist because I don't like needles. Anyway, left it and left it. It turned into a bloody abscess. Agony. It all came to an end when I sucked on a slush puppy at Thomasland to drink love. And I was going, I've got to get home, I've got to get home. I was in a people carrier with four under five-year-olds listening to Wiggles and I thought I've got to get back home. So I piled everyone in the car. I got on M6, Tall Road, back to Bolton. I had my money ready, 450. It used to be 380, robbing bastards. I went to the automated one. Pulls up, agony with my tooth. Open the window. It's electric. Those days are gone. None of that anymore. Electric. Open my window. Got my 450, threw it into the bucket. Missed. Who can you miss? 350 went in. Pound coin went straight on the people carrier. I'm like, Christ, I've got to get out. No, I can't tell a member of staff because there's no bugger there. I've got that much room, open my door, it's banging. I can't go forward, there's a barrier. I'm trying to get out and slide down. I don't know if you've noticed, I'm big boned. So I'm trying to get down onto my knees. There's a car behind me, beeping, way impatient prick. I'm on the floor here listening to Hot Potato, the Wiggles. I can see pound coin. It's right on the centre of the people carrier laughing at me. I end up, I'm on my knees and the floor's wet, so that fine rain soaks you through. On the tarmac, on my abscess cheek, reaching for this pound coin, I blacked out. Blacked out. I woke up in a 24-hour emergency dentist in Tamworth and he were cross-eyed. He were cross-eyed, this dentist. Swear to God, I don't mean cross-eyed like that, you know when your eyes meet at middle. He looked past me. You know sometimes you get them people and they're slightly boss-eyed. They'll look past you when they're talking. Awful, because when he, I woke up, he went, Mr. K, I'm giving it proper subtle, like. Awful, because when he were trying to drill, I thought he were going to go through me cheek, because he's looking at the floor. I'm starting to chew like that. I had an x-ray. Have you ever had an x-ray at the dentist? You've got a bite on this bit of plastic and then put your head in the vice and then assistant leg it out of the room and leave you. I'm like, where are you going? Come back. No, no, Mr. K, you stay there. Radiation. I'm like, Christ, where are we? Chernobyl? What's going on here? I've got an abscess, look at hers, coming out in clumps. What's going on? Terry Nutkins? Christ almighty. Put these goggles on for flying debris or whatever. He's putting up a kitchen extension. Then he injects me. You feel a bit of a sting. More of a stab than a sting. Lying prick. He went in and his assistant started sucking. Grow up. I didn't go private. She went in and he starts drilling her head and then, you know, he takes it out and you have a quick check with your tongue to see how he's doing. But your problem is your tongue magnifies the hole. I'm like, oh my god, how big is this hole he's drilling here? Well, he's got an abscess. He's put up a shopping centre in my mouth. Look at this. There's two blocks on the edge of my tooth. Now that's giving it back here. He starts using my chest as a workbench. Scalpel. Hammer. Brew. What are you doing? Big cup ring on my shirt. Get a coaster. Get a coaster. Do a drag dope. Get a coaster. Then after half an hour of absolute bliss, I had a rinse. Can't feel it. Oh, ----. Shanks. Shanks. Shanks very much. Shanks. Proper embarrassed like. You want any more pollens with that tooth, Mr K? Shanks, yeah. Stagger out to reception. Are you free in six months on a Tuesday at quarter past four? I don't know where I am right now. I can't see colours. I don't know where I am. Speak. That's £343. I heard that. I heard that. Is she wearing a mask and a striped jumper? What's the matter with you? You take my swore? Pardon? You take my swore? Who? My swore. My what? I can't hear you. My swore. Sweets. Sweets. Sweets, Kaz. I said sweets for five minutes. Sweets. Playing some sound that council have left. You've got them fly things. Remember them? Strips of plastic. Red, yellow and green and blue. They've never kept flies out. They just keep flies in. Do you have a maypole with them? In your meals? I didn't. Some lads did. Maypole in them. They're not for maypolling on. They're for keeping flies out of the house. Ah, shut up, Mum. Mum, stop. Mum. Dad, stop. You're 19. You want to go and get a job? My nan's fantastic. At 19, December, she's still in her warden-controlled flat. She loves it there. She's got a red rope hanging from her ceiling in her front room still for emergencies. She only pulled it once when she had a wasp in her front room. Everything all right, Mrs K? It's not. I've a wasp here flying round, Dougie. He's a big bugger. He's like a zeppelin. He's got a cock and balls on him now. He's that big. She broke her wrist, my nan. She fell in town outside Farm Foods and she got up... It's funny, mate, that. When you get your kicks, casualty. She'd gone with two bags of shopping, went to a bus station, got a bus home, walked back to her flat with two bags of shopping. This is a different generation. This is cast iron. I'm lying on the bedroom floor thinking I'm Christopher Reeve because I've fallen over a bloody shoe. Brings me up, Peter, you'd better come up. I think I broke my wrist. Think, thumbs aren't wrong way. I'm like, what are you on about? Is that the fly? I said, nan, I'm on my way up now. Have you got any ice? Put some ice on it. Oh, ice. Hang on. Can hear her banging about it freezer like. I've no ice. I've no ice. Have you any frozen peas? Frozen peas. I've got tinned. Can't put tinned peas on a broken wrist. I've always fallen over in the flats. Did I tell you about Lena? Falling over and breaking a hip. No. Lena, she's fallen over and broke a hip. Doctor's got her on penicillin. He what? He's got her on penicillin. Penicillin. She's great with her words. I'm going to try some of that orgasmic veg. I am. Took a McDonald's. I went, what do you want? I don't like McDonald's. I said, I know, but I'm bloody starving. And we're here now, so just pick something. It's up there on that menu. I don't know. I'll have a whiffy. I'll try one of them whiffies. WiFi. WiFi. The free. I'll have two of the free. I'll have two free whiffies. Let's try them. A couple of whiffies. Peter, will you slow down? Your driving's a bit erotic. You must think I'm going bloody sea lion. She's quite technically minded though. Can you get on that FaceTube and talk to your friends? FaceTube. They're all on that now. FaceTube, Peter. She's got a VD player. A ThighPod. She calls it a ThighPod. Where's ThighPod? Where's ThighPod? I give it her for Christmas. She thought it were a cassette. She tried to put it in a tape player. Won't fit this. This tape won't fit. It's not a tape. It's an iPod. There's over a thousand songs on there, Nana. Honestly. All your favourites. Nat King Cole, Frank Sinatra, Ndubs. They're all on there for you. Does it play records? No, it don't. It's just technology moves on, you see. This is what happens. It's like, I've still got video tapes. I can't get rid of them. VHS tapes. My wife's like, when are you going to get rid of all this ---- in here? And that's ----, excuse me, love, of every single police academy in that back bedroom. They're going nowhere. Okay. It's all Blu-ray now. Blu-ray. Blu-ray were a bloke near me who did pornos at the back of a Nissan Sunny. That's who Blu-ray were. When I was growing up, Blu-ray, I watched a gadget show. They said, Blu-ray is big in Asia. I thought, Christ, he's done well for himself. Blu-ray? Back at park, I wore a shell suit, took pencil tasks. Blu-ray. Is that Peter Kaye's mum's bungalow? Yeah, he's there, look. I like your mum's bungalow. Is that Freddie Mercury? Yeah. She's obsessed with him. Had it painted for her birthday. Are you doing any more shows? Hey, I've no choice. She wants it all now. Is that a gold toilet? Why? You'll want to see a B-day.