Finding Out You're Poor _ Mo Welch _ Stand Up Comedy

Is Ellen DeGeneres here tonight? Okay, I can begin. I think that Ellen DeGeneres ruined dancing up to the microphone for all lesbian comedians. Do you know how hard it was for me to walk up here and not dance at all? This is in my nature. I was born this way. I love knowing that Ellen's a bitch. I think it's... I do. Because, like, her slogan was, Be kind. And now that we know what we know, it's so hilarious thinking about the Ellen show, and that before that show started, every day, she was like this. Hey, if you get my coffee wrong again, I'll kill your whole ******* family. I love it. I do love that Ellen is a bitch. I do. I don't want anyone to be unkind, but I think Ellen should be our next president. Like, we got to get a mean lesbian in there. Get ---- done. Let's make lesbians mean again. I think she would make Putin cry immediately. She'd dance around him, bring Porsche and the horses over to the White House. Be incredible. It's hard for me to hate Ellen because I grew up on Ellen. When I was younger, Ellen was the only person that was out of the closet. Like, she was on a magazine that said, Yup, I'm gay. And, like, when I was younger, because there were no out people, you had to get really creative. So what I would do is I would just write letters to Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Devin Sawa, Hanson, anyone who looked like a lesbian. Just pen to paper at night. Just, Dear Jonathan T. Thomas, Tis been a fortnight since last I wrote. Did you hear Ellen DeGeneres is gay? Gross. Not me. When Jessica walks by me, my stomach hurts. L.A. was on fire, and my wife's childhood home burned down. Is this a good start for a joke? I was very impressed with how L.A. came together. Listen, their house burned down. Our wedding, we got married there. It was beautiful. Our wedding outfits were in the house, and that's the only good thing about their house burning down, because our outfits were ugly. Like, we had very cheap outfits, and, like, we don't have to hand that down to our daughter now. We don't have to, like, give them to her so that she can be like, Ugh, why two capes? You know? A pantsuit and two capes? But L.A. was very nice. Um, although some people were helping in a very L.A. way. They'd be like, If you were affected by the fires at all, please DM me, and I will give you a 50% off discount code for an ayahuasca trip. Like, people are honestly being so idiotic. They were just, like, cleaning out their garages to give people their, like, old ----. They're like, People are fleeing the state of California. They're like, Hey, bro, you need a snowboard helmet and a 10-pound weight? I have a friend that has, uh, he has a clothing company, and he wanted to, it's this very sweet thought. He contacted me, and he's like, Hey, I heard that your in-laws, their house burned down, and they don't have any clothes. Their wardrobe's burned down. And, um, I'd love to give them some of my fashion line. Some of the clothes. But the clothes were just the ones that don't sell. So they were, he was trying to give my in-laws butter yellow jumpsuits. I'm like, these people lost their home, not their minds. them walking around LA like minions trying to find a new house. Crazy. My wife and I grew up very differently. She grew up, you know, rich, and I didn't even know I was poor until I was, like, seven years old. I went over to a friend's house, and I sat on their couch, and I said, whose bed is this? And that's how I understood that I was poor. My wife also had, like, very different activities. She loved musical theater, and she actually, in California, in seventh grade, won a scatting competition, and to this day, her friends call her Scatmantha. I was a 4H kid. If you don't know what 4H is, sometimes in cities, people don't know what 4H is. It's not an STD. 4H kids would be like, I ******* wish! It's not. 4H is, like, a really cool club for, like, kids who like, you know, fertilizer and farm equipment, farm animals. It's pretty cool. My talent in 4H is I would go around to the different fairs, and I would show my long-haired guinea pigs. And Friends was really popular, so a few of them had the Rachel. And beautiful creatures, I would show them around. We had so many little pets growing up. Poor people love little pets. At one point, we had 15 little pets and no electricity. And then my friends, who were, like, middle class and up, had one dog, a golden retriever, part of the family, died of old age. Our pets died the most horrific deaths. These country pets, the most horrific deaths. And you know something would happen because you would just hear my mom from two doors down yell, oh, ----! The parakeet just flew into the ceiling fan! God damn it! It was so traumatic. So when I was older, I was like, I'm just getting one dog, that's it. So we adopted a chihuahua terrier, which is the size of two guinea pigs taped together. And we adopted it from the mean streets of Santa Monica, California. Couldn't bear to see another dog watching all birds open. Gotta get this guy off the street. So we bring him home, and when we got him, they said he's a year old. We bring our dog home, bring him to our vet, the vet says, this dog is a minimum 10 years old. Minimum. I thought I was bringing home a newborn. This dog's 85 years old. He's watching Yellowstone all day. And we wanted to change his name, but then we find out he's like 100 years old, you can't change someone's name on their deathbed. You can't be like, hey, sorry people, you're Kevin now. But we wanted to change his name because he has the same name as my wife. They're both Sam. And I was like, you guys gotta fight this out. Fight to the death. But the empathy kicked in, and I was like, okay, we can't take this dog, you know, away from its home, the streets, and then change its name, so. I was like, you guys just have to live in harmony, work it out. It was so confusing, though, after a few weeks, we decided to change the name. We changed my wife's name to Buddy. I got a letter out soon. I am a mom. Thanks. I did it. I'm kind of an older mom. I had a geriatric pregnancy, which is pretty hot, yeah. They call it advanced age pregnancy now, which is just one letter away from AARP. I highly recommend having a baby at an older age if you like to pee and walk at the same time. You guys are in the splash zone, so. Yeah. I think this is so adorable. The teachers at my daughter's daycare, they say that they know which kids have the older parents, because when the kids get up, they make noise. Just the most adorable scene. All these two-year-olds like, oh, to be one again. I am making so many sounds. I'm making so many sounds when I get up. I do this new thing when I go to the bathroom and I just walk in, and before I do anything, I just stand there and I just say, okay. Okay? Like, what? So when I get up, I'm like, and I sit down. I go into the bathroom. Okay. Then when I have an orgasm, silence. The most I will do when I have an orgasm now, Meryl Streep in every movie. Just, that's all. Thank you guys so much. I'm Mo Welch. Thank you.