1 Year Divorced： What I Couldn't Explain Before

What's going through my head right now is just say everything right and then you won't get destroyed in the comments, right? Well, that's I know that's impossible, but it's hard to believe it's been a year since I made that last video I just want to give a quick update maybe share of just a little hurt frustration that continues to go on not in any attempt to change anyone else's mind or commit some of everything but just to empathize and relate to other women that have been in my situation and i'll answer Questions that have come up since then like do you ever wonder if you made the right decision? Do you ever miss him? How are the kids doing? And what would you tell someone who feels confused in their own relationship? I think a year ago I didn't have words to put to The question of where is the line? How do you know when to go or when to stay? And I think I can do a little bit better job explaining that now I also have a couple cool things that are coming up that I want to tell you about They're really bittersweet though, and I hate that I hate that it still feels that way But nonetheless, you've been an important part of my life and I want to share all of these things with you All right, i'm going to put timestamps. Let's jump in to questions Do you still question whether you did the right thing which then ties into do you miss him or parts of him? and so No, I don't question if I made the right decision. I do fully believe that I made the right decision And also it's really hard to see the impact of it on my kids And so while I I know it was right There are still a lot of ramifications from it that impact our life. And so those can be hard And in the beginning it can be tricky to sort it out And sometimes it can feel like that's evidence towards making the wrong decision Or it can just also be like this is how life goes sometimes and unfortunately staying didn't fix it Do you miss him or parts of him? Absolutely There's a reason you married the person or partnered with them in the first place and those things don't just disappear They can sometimes get overshadowed for sure. And so that's also one of the sad parts of this type of situation. It wasn't all bad What's been harder than you expected? so two things one is how Women who get divorced are treated and then also there was a day my birthday Uh hit me really hard so I can talk about that and why and why I was so caught off guard There was something that went on on that day But so obviously when I put out the video a year ago pretty much anticipate what the comments were going to be especially from the faith-based community and I knew it so You know when I saw those comments it made me a little sad mostly for how it portrays people in certain faith-based communities, but Also, I kind of saw it coming what I did not know is that even women who aren't in faith-based communities still are often criticized and it's implied or you're accused that you gave up or you didn't care about the kids or You chose yourself over the kids or you had too high of expectations And that really for most of us I think couldn't be further from the truth And if you haven't been in this type of situation, you don't know and i'll i'll probably explain this a little better when I get To like where's the line? But what you may not realize is how much most of us have Minimized our own needs in an attempt to save the relationship. We're like i'll just do more Okay, this thing made them happy. So i'm going to do more of that and now i'm going to talk in broad terms not About my relationship. I just want to talk broadly now hear about it. But how as women we often say, okay I'll do more with the kids. So there's not as much stress or pressure on you Okay, I need to do a better job of cooking or cleaning I need to do more of this or that So i'm going to do more for you And i'm going to need less to the point where we're like barely allowed to have any needs at all And so we are trying to do everything and we're trying to find counseling and resources and all of that And so we have done all of this behind closed doors And then when we finally get to the point we're like I can't do this anymore Then and then it becomes this public display right that we're ending our relationship then when the criticism comes in It is really hurtful because it's so dismissive and all I wanted to say was like you don't know You don't know and We you know others will say oh well they meant well or this or you know, they didn't know and yes But also it's really hurtful and really dismissive And so it's not possible for everyone to know all of the nuances and details that go on behind closed doors, obviously And also it's still really hurtful So that is probably one of the hardest things this past year and again, not even just for what i've experienced But all the stories now that i've heard of other from other women and what they've experienced Now the next one, um is my birthday which actually ties into one of the cool and exciting things that are coming up But let me show you uh, this place is so beautiful where i'm staying. Let me show you real quick So this is a little cabin i'm staying at this time every time I come It just reinforces how just having the bare necessities just what we need It just frees us up to do the things that we want to and that matter and you can put pretty linens on it But this bed is definitely no helix today's video is sponsored by helix sleep And so if you're not familiar helix sleep makes premium mattresses customized to fit your needs and conveniently delivered right to your door They actually have 22 different mattresses to choose from and over the last five years or so We've actually gotten to try out like most of them and they are so high quality We have been so happy with all of them and I definitely experienced what a big impact good sleep and rest Made on my mental health too. 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You're gonna be getting an awesome night's sleep, too All right So what i'm learning is two things can exist at once something really cool and awesome and should be exciting And also so much sadness So it's my birthday, uh back in september and on that day It just so happened to be that we had lined it up where I was going to meet with a few different publishers one of which was penguin their aviary division, which They're the ones that published atomic habits Like this is pretty much a dream come true for me not because i'm excited about writing a book I don't I still don't see myself as an author But more so because I just want to get this message out there more right simplifying and decluttering and all that And so we line up these days. It's the day of my birthday. I wake up and I am a wreck I am so emotional and i'm like what is going on like pull it together Like we have to do these meetings, right? And so we had three lined up and literally in between i'm walking around my parents driveway Sobbing of like what is wrong with me and I finally realized what it was and it was That while this is so awesome and so cool. I mean bigger than what I could have even hoped for I would have traded it all just to have the picture back Of what I thought life would look like on my 43rd birthday To be at my farm with my family with a marriage intact with everything. I don't need the spotlight I don't need the youtube channel. I don't need the book deals. I would have traded it all Just to have that back again and it hit me so hard And I think I don't know I guess it's probably not uncommon to feel like if good things come your way after something hard Like maybe I had to trade maybe I couldn't have it all maybe you know This was the cost of me having a channel that's done well, and other things that have been successful like it cost me my marriage and my family and Those thoughts creep in I know they're not true. It's not true I can honestly tell you I left it all on the field when it came to my relationship, right? But isn't it weird how those thoughts creep in? And honestly, I would trade it all if I could have it back in a healthy full way of what I imagined it to be 1000 I would trade it all and I would choose that but that's that wasn't the option before me, right? And so I pulled it together But apparently well enough that penguin did agree to partner with me and to work on a book together and so i'm really excited about that it is the psychology of why we're cluttered and how to get out and It's so cool And what i'm looking forward to is being able to pull all the ideas together that are scattered across 800 youtube videos And to put them all together in one central location. And so I hope it's just gonna be helpful I hope it's a way to get in front of more women and to spread the message more and so it's really exciting um now i'm kind of in the thick of writing it and that's awesome and draining and I Just brings up a lot of inadequacies So it's a good process to go through it's very humbling Um, so it's good and it's it's exciting and it's bittersweet too How do you stop minimizing yourself after years of doing that? That's a tricky one. I still find myself. Um, just not wanting to inconvenience anyone Worrying that I might be too much. I might be too needy I I want to make sure i'm giving it like 800% more than i'm ever Taking or asking for to the point where my mom will be like I can run the girls to co-op and it's like no No, it's fine. I got it, right and it's like Okay, you can run the girls to co-op or she's like i'll make lunch and i'm like well I don't like I don't want to put you out, you know, um, and so it's I think it takes practice and I think it takes surrounding Yourself with people who are gonna call you out and encourage you and say like hey stop it Like you're allowed to have those needs or to to receive things too But I I think that takes time Because it still often sets off the alarms in my head of like, oh no I'm being too needy or being too much. And so I think i'm definitely still a work in progress in that regard and then of course, how are the kids doing and so We've been divorced for a year and four months. Um, It's been about two years of this whole process. And so I would say they're doing as good as can be expected Sometimes it's hard to sort out the difference between just normal teenager drama and stuff and then also the ramifications of Their life getting turned upside down too So I have two boys that are 11 and 12 almost 13 and then two girls that are 14 and 16 Yeah, it's it's sometimes hard to sort out. It still often makes me sad that this is their reality I again, I just never imagined that this would be their story but also I know that it is their story and We can't protect our kids from everything and again staying didn't fix it And so while it sucks a lot of times and there are a lot of really hard things we've had to navigate Also, we have a lot of really just awesome people around us and that actually uh brings me to the next question of Do you feel more settled or still in transition? I have felt in transition for the last like three years. There has been no routine. No settle. No nothing I am so grateful to my parents. I've been at their house for almost two years now They have been so kind to take me in full time the kids half the time and it's also just been a really Sweet time of connection with them and my brother. It's been awesome and also I've been feeling like it's probably time for the kids and I to have our own space after two years of invading them and so that's another exciting thing that's going on that also brings a lot of sadness with it, too And so I am buying a house and i'll show it in about two weeks from now If you're watching this after that i'll put a link down below, but It's weird. It's again. It's not the picture. I imagined right now I never imagined buying a house with just my name on the title And it's you know, I picked it basically for proximity to my parents house It was like it's about as close as we could get to them. And so i'm really grateful for that It's not the type of house. I would have ever imagined. Uh me buying it's very white And i'll show that but also there's no project. So that's good, too And I appreciate that and so it's just all weird There's a lot of mixed emotions that go to it and you know others around me are like You must be so excited i'm like I know you would think so right like I should be And the kids are excited about it and i'm glad for that, but it's just yet another transition But I am hopeful that once we do get in and get settled that we really will have a routine again It will start to feel more normal. So I am looking forward to that. And again, it's not I mean My parents have been incredible. They've done nothing wrong. It's just hard, you know when it's not your own space and um, I I know i've definitely crossed the line at times with my mom and decluttering and um, you know what i'm i'm like trying to be a good house guest i'm trying to and they're so easy to get along with but you know, it's just always in the back of your mind like, you know, bring more value than You know than chaos to their house and whatnot. So I am so grateful to them. They have been so cool and awesome. And also it is probably time to move on Oh, and I know the question will come up too. What about your tiny house? And so My hope is to put it on some kind of lake lot or somewhere that has a cool view And that not only can the kids and I use it but my parents too they have a camper So hopefully somewhere where we can all go together go side by siding And do the things that we love to do outside And so I plan to keep it and hopefully set it up in that way and that it can be a getaway for all of us Okay. Now the tougher questions. What would you tell someone who feels confused in their relationship? And how do you tell the difference between marriage is hard and this is harming me? So, let me see if I can use a really simple illustration and again whether it's you that's in a confusing relationship or if you're helping someone else walk through this or If you're like, I still don't understand why people get divorced. Like how can they throw in the towel? Why don't they try more things like I understand that I know I caught a lot of people off guard when I put out that video a year ago And I still I hate that that was never my intention for anyone to feel blindsided And I know by my subscriber account that many didn't agree with my decision and that's okay Everyone is free to have their own beliefs and I and I get the disillusionment when it's like hey I thought we I thought we believed the same thing We're meant to be part of a tribe when someone does something. We're like, oh, hey, I didn't I didn't think we believed in that It is disillusioning and it it's like oh, this is this feels unsettling. This is uncomfortable, right? So I understand all of that But let me see if I can use a simple illustration here to help illustrate why we stay why it's hard and where the line is So I think the line is dignity. That's the word I would use now marriage is hard conflict is normal disagreements are expected But dignity is not optional Dignity means I am treated like a full human being it means i'm not beneath you It means i'm not someone you manage dismiss or override Above the line looks like this we disagree, but you don't call me names. You don't mock me You don't tell me i'm crazy for bringing something up You don't twist my words or rewrite history if you mess up you own it if something hurts me You care that it hurts me. You're willing to look at your part To me that's above the line But below the line is different below the line is name calling. It's swearing. It's lying. It's blame shifting It's criticism that attacks character instead of addressing an issue It's gaslighting making someone question their reality. It's entitlement acting like your comfort matters more than your partner's well-being And sometimes it's more subtle. It's chronically not holding a job while someone else carries the weight It's disappearing into video games or hobbies while your partner is drowning. It's financial irresponsibility that puts the family at risk It's refusing to try to understand your partner's perspective. It's promising change over and over with no follow-through Individually some of those might not look dramatic from the outside. But what they communicate over time is this i'm above you Your needs are negotiable. Your exhaustion isn't my responsibility. You're not worth my effort That's below the line and living below that line is exhausting. It's dehumanizing It slowly shrinks you you start explaining yourself more carefully. You start justifying simpler requests You start minimizing what you need so you don't ask too much you lower the bar just to get back to calm But here's what makes it even harder. It's not always below the line Sometimes it's warm. Sometimes it's kind sometimes it's connected and then it drops again And that bouncing back and forth is what destroys the safety because trust is built on consistency If I don't know which version of you i'm going to get today, my body can't relax With every interaction i'm preparing to explain myself to defend myself to soften my tone to avoid triggering something That's hypervigilance And you can't build trust and safety in an environment where your nervous system is always bracing It's not about expecting perfection. It's about consistency over time Without dignity, there's no respect without consistency. There's no trust and without trust home doesn't feel safe It feels like something you have to manage And to me that's the line And again, like I mentioned before I think as women most of us Because we want to get back to that happy smiley response We do everything we possibly can to get back there our brain remembers that it feels good to feel Connected and to see the positive side and the good things about this person And so we're constantly trying to figure out how to get back there And that's why again we're it's so hurtful When these outside opinions come in suggesting that we give gave up or we didn't try enough things or do enough By the time we get to that point for most of us women we have minimized our own needs we have tried everything that we can to save it from counseling to podcasts to books to Anything you can possibly think of we have put our children's needs above our own We have tried to stick it out for the kids and we have given them infinite chances Again, just trying to get back to that place of happiness and connection We've seen the good parts of them and we've tried to figure out how we could just have more of that And less of the destructive stuff what happens over time when as women we reduce our own needs we elevate others needs Is that not only do we feel unsafe do we feel like we're walking on eggshells? It starts to cause chronic stress anxiety and takes a toll on our health How many women i've talked to who now have chronic health issues autoimmune fibromyalgia? Chronic fatigue it not only impacts our mental health, but it impacts our physical health as well And again, most all of this is happening behind closed doors Right from the outside as women we can make things look real good, right? We can make things look real good and we do we're trying to protect our spouse We're trying to protect our kids. We don't want to bring other people into our own business, right? And we can do it for a while man We can do it for a while, but there comes a point where something has to give So i'm not sure if that helps to explain it a little bit This is again one of those areas where i'm like I want to say it just right so everybody understands But I know that's not possible because I also know that there are others out there listening who don't want to understand right? But for those who sincerely do Uh, hopefully this helps a little bit and then we can transition into the conversation on faith too Where are you at in your faith journey if you don't mind sharing? I know I don't mind sharing at all because I feel I hope everybody is challenged at a very deep level On what they believe at some point because it is what forces us to evaluate it and wrestle with it And to entertain different perspectives And probably one of my biggest frustrations with the christian faith is that Many will say it's okay to question god and it's okay to question it. But then when you do question it It's okay up to a certain point But then you get into territory that it is not okay to question and that is definitely what I have bumped up against But i'm so glad for this process over the last two years where I have been willing to challenge everything And you know cognitive dissonance is when you hear two things that don't line up Like god is so loving and he cares so deeply and jesus came to set us all free Oh, but you have to stay in this marriage because god hates divorce, right? And you're like, oh wait, but I thought he was all loving and he cared about me Oh, but does he care about marriage more than the dignity of a human being i'm so confused right now Right, and so when you just start to dig in and learn and learn for yourself what you believe What's so cool now is that i'm at a place where i'm completely at peace about what I believe and the best part I don't feel like I have to convince anyone else of it And so I do hope everyone goes on this journey and I will tell you this simplifying and decluttering my house Living with very low possessions my last video. I talked about the hierarchy of needs Uh decluttering my house made it a lot easier to get to a point where I could spend more time and mental energy Thinking about these things and entertaining them and talking with others about them And so even if you're not there yet stick on the journey of decluttering and I think it's just a matter of time Before you get there too and really I mean, I don't like to clump all christians together But if I look at this, you know trust and safety i've had so many mixed, uh experiences that uh it's still sometimes hard for me to Feel safe in a like church environment or christian environment and I i'm not trying to throw shade or anything I only say that to validate anyone else who has been through this experience It's weird to be in a place where I have this like experience at different things like that now and I Again, I never imagined that being my experience. And so I just say that just to validate if you've experienced that too Again, trust and safety, you know consistency over time and we haven't had consistency in the responses to us Then that creates distrust right? It doesn't feel safe and hopefully over time that'll start to balance out again and whatnot But for right now That's where I seem to be All right. Well, this is the point in the video where i'm like, I don't know if i've said anything That's if any value or makes sense, but I do want to ask answer the final question of how are you really? And so right now here today, I would say i'm doing really well the last year I really still struggle with a lot of sadness and um, just not feeling optimistic or hopeful and I do feel that returning and so Uh, you know last year I got my master's degree and everyone like wow It's so cool that you you know did that while you're going all through this and I realized looking back It was just a coping mechanism All right I knew there was other ways I could have coped too that probably would have been less productive And I could have uh slid into pretty easily and so I needed something productive to do with my time and so that's definitely what it was but now as I do look ahead to the next year and Um getting to set up a new house and writing a book. I I am excited about it and I am Feeling more hopeful about the future and what's on the horizon There's still sadness that creeps in but it feels more balanced now And I am excited about what's to come and i'm so grateful for you. Thank you I mean, especially if you've stuck through this long Thank you. Thank you for watching and caring and being so kind the majority of the comments are kind Right, and I just continue to be so grateful for that So thank you and i'm excited to uh, you know Show me show you my new house and for us to set it up together I'm kind of looking at it like how i'm positioning it in my brain It's like we could just set up like a minimalist dream home and so to get to start from scratch This is like a very rare opportunity And so i'm excited to do that with you and uh, yeah to do it together and share it all with you So i'm looking forward to that, but I love you. I hope you have a really good day and i'll see you again soon