Kissing Justin Trudeau _ Max Amini _ Stand Up Comedy

I mentioned this last year I met Justin Trudeau. Yeah, yeah. Okay, you done? I don't give a ---- about Justin Trudeau. Whether he's a good politician or a bad, I'm American, okay? This is not about politics. I met Justin Trudeau. It doesn't mean anything else than I met Justin Trudeau, okay? Take your feelings and put it up your asshole. If you are in America and you meet Donald Trump, it doesn't mean that you cannot relate to his politics. You're like, ah, I was in America and I met Donald Trump. Wouldn't that be a story? Yeah, that's what it was. If you meet Biden, it's a story, yeah? And meeting him was a random scenario. The story of meeting him is better than meeting him. You understand? You know, last year I met Trudeau. And the dude, we're sitting in the car outside the lobby. And I was just about to go inside. And all of a sudden, two police cars come inside the area. Four police officers get out. Four cops walk out. And all of a sudden, they started staring at our car. One cop just goes like this and starts looking at our car. Points to the other cops. The cops started coming. And my friend freaks out. My friend goes, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Habibi, do you know what that means? No? That means something bad happened. When something bad happens for Persians, we say, ooh, ooh, ooh. We make certain noises that only we understand what it means. When a Persian goes, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, that means something horrible about to happen. And if you want to learn, for you tonight, it's a comedy and a workshop, OK? Just focus with me. If you want to say, ooh, ooh, you know how to make that noise? Imagine an owl being fingered, OK? What does an owl sound like? Ooh, ooh. Am I being fingered? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, yeah? Imagine an owl and the eyes, ooh, ooh, ooh. That's exactly what it sounds like. Ooh, ooh, ooh. I go, buddy, what happened? He goes, police, police, police. I go, OK, but what are we going to do? What's happening? He goes, I don't know. I go, do you know something that I don't know? He goes, no. I go, do you have something in your car? He goes, this is not my car. I go, well, what's in the car? He goes, I don't know. Dude, I'm freaking out. I'm like, man, what's going on? What's wrong with you? He goes, I wish I knew. All of a sudden, the cop's knocking on the window. We roll down the window and the officer goes, sir, how are you doing? He goes, I'm not so bad. Listen, when Iranians see police, all of a sudden, they turn into the biggest victims ever. He goes, how are you? Oh, not so good, officer, not so good. He goes, what's wrong? He goes, I am siege. He goes, what's wrong with you? He goes, I have diarrhea. And immediately, I just wanted to let the officer know I'm not a ******* part of this ----. I said, officer, whatever is in this car does not belong to me. And he goes, guys, relax. Please calm down. I'm not here to bother you at all. I just want to come and say hi. I noticed you, Max. I'm a big fan. I've been to your show. I want to come and say hi. Kid you not. I was so flattered. I said, oh my god, thank you so much, man. I appreciate you. That's so nice of you. But I wish you said something. You really scared us. And my friend goes, it's already too late. I shot myself. Dude, relax. I said, man, I'm so proud of you, man. You became a police officer. Now, this is great, man. You're, you know, in Canada, you're Iranian. I love you for this. And he goes, man, I'm not even a police officer. I'm Secret Service. I was like, whoa, that's amazing. The Secret Service is next level. You know what I mean? They take care of government officials. This guy wasn't just a regular cop. He was next level ----. I was like, man, I am so proud of you, dude. That's amazing. He goes, as a matter of fact, Max, I'm on a mission right now. I said, really? He said, yeah. I said, dude, that's so crazy. Well, congratulations. Good luck with your mission, man. He goes, no problem, bro. And I'm going to tell you something. Nobody should know about my mission. I wouldn't tell my best friend about my mission. I wouldn't tell anybody about my mission. I said, of course you wouldn't. He said, even if my mother asked me, I wouldn't tell my mother. I said, I believe you. He goes, but I will tell you. I said, don't tell me anything. He said, no, I want to tell you. I said, please don't tell me anything, sir. He goes, no, I want to tell you. I said, no. He goes, Justin Trudeau is going to be here in 15 minutes. He goes, Max, do you want to meet him? I said, yeah, whatever. I wanted to play it cool. I didn't mind meeting him, but I didn't want to be like, yes, I want to meet Justin Trudeau. You know what I mean? I said, yeah, sure. I mean, I'll meet him. 15 minutes later, I kid you not, on the dot, I'm standing in the lobby, just chilling. Four SUVs pull up. 16 people get out of the car. Like, boom. Dude, all of a sudden, the whole lobby pulled out their phones. They're videotaping. Everyone's just moving and screaming. Oh, my God. And then, I don't know, I got into the same freaking headspace that pulled out my phone. I was like, oh, oh, oh, oh. And everything happened so fast. Bunch of people walked out, and they walked in, and I was holding my camera here. All of a sudden, I see something pass by here, and I turn. All of a sudden, I see Secret Service trying to get my attention like this, and him and Trudeau got into the elevator and left. And I was like, oh, no. I was like, what an idiot I am. What the hell? Five minutes later, he comes down. He goes, Max, what's wrong with you? I said, nothing. I was filming the SUVs, man. I really like the SUVs. He goes, okay, well, there's a mission tomorrow that I'm not going to tell you about then. I said, okay, okay, I can't tell you. What's the mission tomorrow? He goes, tomorrow at 8.30 a.m., if you're in the lobby, you get to meet him, okay? But Max, I mean, he said, yes. He said, focus. I said, okay, I'm focused. Dude, tomorrow morning at 8.30 a.m., I went to the lobby. I'm in the lobby. I'm waiting. I kid you not. First of all, this hotel is my favorite hotel. I go to this hotel every time. And the general manager of this hotel is this tall, very good-looking, muscly Indian guy, always wearing a suit tapered to his body. He's a very cool dude. Every morning, every time he sees me, he's super nice. This morning, he was super excited. As soon as he sees me in the lobby, he goes, good morning, Mr. Armini. It's a very good day, very big day. Very good day, very big day. Big day, very good day. I said, what's going on? He goes, you won't believe what you're going to see. I said, what do you think is going to happen? He said, oh, I cannot tell you. I can never, ever tell you. But something beautiful is about to happen. I said, wow, really? He goes, you would never guess. I said, what if I guess? He goes, I give you $500. I said, Justin Trudeau? His head exploded. He started speaking Indian in gibberish. He was so upset. I said, calm down. He goes, how do you know? I said, do you know the Secret Service? He goes, yes. I said, he told me the secret. Dude, he got mad, and he just walks away. He walks away. Dude, a few minutes later, I get a text. I look at my phone. It says, Max Armini, focus. You are coming down. OK, so I'd never seen Trudeau in real life. I've only seen the pictures and the videos. And like, in every picture, he looks very silly. And he always, like, he makes a silly face when he takes pictures. You know? He does this, like, really dumb, like, you know? I'd never seen him in person. But the dude, I tell you, good looking. Elevator open? I thought it was a hair commercial. ------- comes out with his hair. ------- Trudeau. I couldn't believe this ----. The elevator opens. He's a good looking little ****. With his jacket on his back. He just walks in the lobby like this. And I could hear the sound in the lobby. I'm like, mm, mm, mm. Oh my god. I'm like, who the ****'s making this noise? I started looking around. I realized it was me. Dude, Trudeau walked in with his jacket on his back like this. And then there was a little semi-circle. The staff were standing to take a picture with him. He stood in the middle. And they took a picture. It was a really cool moment. He did his thing. And then the general manager came. The Secret Service came. And they were like, they took him to the side. They started talking. Now, they were having a conversation. They were having a conversation. And they were pointing at me. Now, I could see what's happening. But I was not paying attention. I was on my phone. And I pretended I don't know what the hell's happening. And they're having a conversation. And they keep pointing at me. And the Secret Service is going like this. And I was like, ah, let him try harder. Dude, all of a sudden, the Secret Service goes, Mr. Amini? I look up. I'm like, yes. And he goes, in Farsi, he goes, Gaidi. It means, you're ******* driving me nuts. It's a good slang. You should use it on her. Whenever she gets on your nerve, say Gaidi. It's a good one, huh, baby? You could use it on him, too. So I was like, OK, I'm coming. Dude, at this moment, I was like, I'm going to fight. So here's the thing. If you're ever going to meet somebody that you really like, if it's an important person, don't ever rush, OK? Play it cool. This is like a little cool lesson. You don't just go, hi, how are you? Hi. Never do that ----, OK? You're going to meet somebody that's important. Take your time and be grounded. They called me over. I walk so ******* slow. I was like this. And I don't know why I started licking my lips. Dude, I did one of these to turn up. Let me tell you something. It was so cool. The Indian guy was like, oh, my goodness. You couldn't believe that ----. I didn't go like, hi, how are you? Oh, Mr. Trudeau, I work for the train station, too. How are you? None of that ----. I walk ******* cool as ****. I went like this. I went like this, yeah? And all of a sudden, Trudeau put his hand inside my hand. Buddy, you know this part? Touch this part, boom. It was like a ******* electromagnetic energy exchange. Oh, his hands were so soft, like a baby hand in my hand, like an emotional support dog in my hand. He put his hand inside my hand. And you know what I did? I had to be a good Persian man and assess the situation. As soon as his hand touched, I did one of these. Yo, I did one of these just to understand where the hell this man is coming from. You understand? Who are you? Where do you come from? What's your background? Dude, Trudeau was like, oh, as soon as he was going to say a word like a true Persian, 2,500 years of culture and background, I went in for a ******* kiss. You wouldn't believe that ----. Dude, I went in. Secret Service was so embarrassed. I went in. I sucked his cheek in my throat. I could feel him in my mouth. I released. He was like, oh, I went for the other side. I sucked it like a Hoover vacuum cleaner. Oh, it felt so good. Saliva everywhere. I was like, nice to meet you, Mr. Trudeau. I wanted to greet you like a real Iranian. He's like, wow, nice to meet you. It was a great moment. We connected. He said, oh, so you're a comedian. I said, yes, I'm a comedian. And all of a sudden, the Persian guy turned into a Persian mom. He's like, oh, yes, Mr. Trudeau. He's an Iranian comedian, and he does this. I was like, you know how Persian moms, like, you meet their son. They start talking for the son. Yeah, he's my son. He's a great son. Very good boy. He's the best man in the world. He cleans his room. He does everything right. He's only 45 years old. Let the kid talk for himself. So I said, yes, Trudeau, I'm actually, I'm performing in Montreal, Ottawa. I'm on tour, blah, blah. He goes, oh, that's great. Maybe I can make it to your show one day. I said, oh, that'd be great. Thank you so much. He goes, let's take a picture together. I said, OK, sounds good. And there was a lady there, a journalist. And I pulled out my phone, gave it to her. And Trudeau came, stood next to me. And I put my hand behind him like this. And the lady took the picture. You won't believe this ----. All of a sudden, Trudeau goes, one more. And then he takes his leg like this, and he comes closer to me like that. I was like, oh, ----. Trudeau likes me. You know what I mean? He was like, I love you. And as an Iranian, when somebody shows us love like this, when they say, I love you, we show a million more love back. You know what I mean? Everything happens so fast. He goes, I love you. I go, I love you, too. My hand here went right around his lower back. I pulled him aside. I pulled Trudeau like, boom. Trudeau was like, oh. Dude, I had him like a little baby. And I was like, yes, Trudeau, come to me, baby. Come here, baby. Dude, Trudeau was so uncomfortable. I noticed he's like, oh. I was like, oh, my god. I whispered in his ear, it's going to be OK. It's going to be fine, Trudeau. You got to see this picture. This picture is on my Instagram. If you scroll down enough, you will see it. You'll see me and Trudeau. He looks constipated. And I look like I'm having an orgasm. It's a great picture. And Trudeau hugged me goodbye. And I whispered in his ear. I said, Mr. Trudeau, if I were you, I would fire my Secret Service. He said, you sure? I said, yes. He's keeping away all the secrets. We should hire the Indian guy.