Powerhouse Comedians From Just For Laughs | Stand-Up Comedy Compilation

Good evening everyone or as the french say good evening No, it's bonjour. Bienvenue. Yes. Yes. I'm learning. I'm trying to practice my french the most romantic language in the world No other accent is romantic as well, but it is It's funny how every accent has its own connotation to it speak with a french accent. You are sexy How are you ladies? And then there's some accents just have no sex appeal to them at all Like the russian accent There's nothing sexy about it everything the russians say Sounds dangerous and menacing It doesn't matter what they say because they've got that thing. Yes in russian go to kill you break you Destroy your family But even if russians say nice things it still sounds dangerous. They still go. Yes fluffy rabbits and teddy bears It's like that weird thing like the russian accent is so And you know like the crazy thing about the russians is everyone in the world is afraid of everyone No matter where you go in the world You know, the russians are frightening Because they're the only country that makes america think before doing something Everyone else in the world america acts when something happens when russia does something we we think about it Yeah, you saw the whole thing that happened With that plane that was shot down the malaysian flight the ukrainian rebels shot the plane the plane came down You know america came out barack obama. He was there. He's like we gotta we gotta find out. Uh Who did this? We're gonna come down on them like a like an iron fist We're gonna let them know what time it is i'm paraphrasing, uh And then and then everyone found out it was the russians that supplied the ukrainian rebels with the missile that shot down the plane and then all of a sudden obama was like but uh Let's not rush to conclusions Let's take our time and uh not point fingers, especially not at the russians, uh, i'm going home now. Thank you very much There's something about the russians the russians the russians You know, what's weird is I find the russian accent frightening But not the russian language It's the strangest thing ever. There's certain languages. I find frightening. There's certain accents that throw me off You know, for instance I find arabic Frightening as a language You know, it just has that thing in it The guy could be saying anything We're talking about candy crush But it's because we've watched all those movies all those tv shows every time you see arabic some bad ---- goes down It's never something cool or sexy, you know, it's never like It's never that So the language is frightening but russian for some reason I don't find frightening at all Yeah, I don't I realize this I was walking through the streets of new york And there's a russian guy he was walking next to me and he happened to be on the phone Right and sounded like he was setting up a drug deal And so this guy is walking next to me and he's talking and he switched from russian Switched from english the english russian accent into russian and it went from fear to no fear It was the strangest thing ever. He was on the phone and he was like, yeah No, vlad. Don't worry. The guy's got to be the three o'clock. Okay, you meet them You tell me after that you got the package we call don't know. Don't worry. Hey vlad. No, listen vlad vlad vlad Foreign And it was the craziest thing ever he went from like international criminal to immigrant it was the weirdest thing like I had no fear At all I'm, not afraid of the russian language just the accent in fact to me The russian language just sounds like someone's playing a vinyl backwards, that's all I hear It sounds like someone took a dj of english and they were just they're like, yeah, yeah, he's just like yes Yes, we got to find don't worry vlad. The guy's got to be the three o'clock. Okay. Yeah, you bring the package Don't worry about that after that you find you give me the call. Okay. No, no vlad vlad vlad That's what i'm hearing and if there's any russian people here tonight i'm joking Please I don't want to have issues after the show Walking out of the theater. Hey Found the guy Why you don't come dj here? Yeah Wiki wiki do it again Oh, you guys are fantastic man. Thanks for coming out tonight. We're gonna have an amazing Amazing. Does montreal have a big beef with toronto? Why Is it because they say yeah, I don't understand I said the last the last I thought your savior, uh of canada was from toronto, uh, you're drake You're ******* half handsome ******* savior Yeah, I thought he was running through here with with his woes through here You know what sucks about that song when I first heard it and he was talking about running through the six with his woes I actually thought it was dope. I was like, wow, that's really cool Uh, and then I found out woes, uh meant friends Not so ******* cool anymore Why don't you just say friends? Running through the six with my friends All right. Yeah Yeah, I thought I thought woes. I thought he was like sad I thought he's like running through the six with his sadness That's just what he calls his ******* stupid friends Sorry, i've been smoking weed all day because your city does not give a **** for some reason it's amazing they don't care at all They like they cheer it on like I went to hide it and he and one of the cops was like This place is awesome We have uh, i'm I live in brooklyn. We have uh anti-weed commercials. We have anti-weed and they're all terrible They're all really bad. And I know it's cliche to say but To paint a picture for you, there's a couple of them one of them, uh is a very famous one There's a girl and she's with her friend and her friend is the couch And then uh, and then she goes, uh, my friend's a little different All right go. Yeah. Yeah, she's she's a couch now She didn't smoke weed and turn into a couch like it wasn't She she cut a hole In the couch and took all the stuff out And then like got in and put a head out You just have a dumb friend that's all i've never taken a hit of a joint and been like well ------- just slither in there. Um Another another famous weed commercial. We have there's like a bunch of kids at a basketball court And these thugs go up to this little nerdy kid and they're like yo, man You want to smoke weed? I've never been intimidated into smoking weed. Nobody's ever yelled at me I've always been like hey fuckface You want to smoke weed? It's always been like Like that's it It's as far as it goes So thugs go up to the little kid. They're like yo, man, you want to smoke weed and this little kid goes I don't smoke weed I smoke fools like you on the b-ball court I'm, just sitting there high like what a dumb kid you could do both. I don't understand I don't have a problem with anti-weed commercials. There are negative side effects to weed It's just like you should just make real ones Like use me and my friend like i'd make anti-weed commercial Where it's just me and my friend and i'm on the couch and my friend's like yo pete Yo pete What weed that's the whole entire commercial very low budget very low budget And then a follow-up commercial me and my buddy are at the mall and my friend's like oh a croc store And I go I heard they're mighty comfortable And then we buy crocs weed. That's the entire ******* commercial really low budget really low budget I uh recently got a clean bill of health. My dick's good. Uh, really happy with that You know that feeling sir, you clapped right away He's like, oh Are you like me anytime? I see a mark on my dick. I'm like, oh, there it is There it is, I got it I always think I got it's always and it's always something little it's always like I jerked off and like didn't wash And then like something's gonna happen, you know like if you ******* eat cheese doodles all day and then ******* play with your balls and then you don't shower like There's repercussions for that You can't do that No, I uh, I got I went to I go to free clinics. Do you have free clinics out here? You have free health care. So all of you are ******* I don't have to wear a condom with anybody That's what that means, right? No whore anyway, uh Sorry Do you uh, you ever go to a free clinic man? No just uh Hoping the lord takes care of you Yeah, some guys like I just don't want to know It's like what? I go to a free clinic They prick your finger to test you for aids and then they just give you a number they give you a number And then you sit down with a bunch of other people that had fun yesterday And then you ******* then you wait for them to just call out your number and say yes or no Like aids bingo. You just sit there literally someone will get on the mic and be like 33 No 33 is like And at one time I had this guy He tested clean and he came out of the office and he went I fucked her and he ran out It's the greatest thing i've ever seen in my life You see number 34 like shaking freaking out it's been seven no's in a row Two for yes They won't tell you you have aids. They'll be like 34 Come back here, please Hope you like charity Oh, nobody got that that's okay I don't make any noise when I have sex. It's partly because i'm uncomfortable uh, but I don't I'm, very quiet like you could read the night before christmas when I have sex It's dead silent I don't even make noise when I come when I come i'm just kind of like I come like a baby registering something for the first time You ever like show a baby like the sunset for the first time. They're all like What material did you expect? Honestly coming to see at 21. Did you think I was gonna have opinions? like actual things Really? I don't know anything about politics I have no idea and it wouldn't even work here because you don't have what we have in america, which is I don't know Yeah, I try to get into politics, but I can't every time I turn on cnn The guy's like the senate i'm like I can't ******* do this. I uh, we have a senate now I'm, hanging out with my grandpa a lot It's weird. My grandpa sleeps over on tuesdays because he goes to this place called the knights of columbus Uh, I don't know if you have them out here if you don't know what it is. It's like a like a club for old men Uh where they just go and slowly like die together each week And they have like matching shirts And they go together and they just die together and he sleeps over Uh when he goes there because he gets trashed with his buddies and I don't like when he sleeps over because my grandpa sleeps in death position Like he sleeps like this And old people don't breathe in their sleep Like they don't they don't breathe like us they breathe like at the last second Because their body's like oh i'm gonna die If I don't yeah, so it's not even like a breath. It's like a yelp It's weird like a normal person sleeps like this like a normal person is usually like My grandpa does this And it's really hard to jerk off when that's going on there Thank you for the sign. I see it Thank you You made a sign like i'm a wrestler It's the showdown in his town. Yeah Thank you. That is amazing, man, and it's great to be back here 100 pounds lighter Thank you I know some of you right here in the front are looking at me like well, how big were you? All right, hercules hercules. Yeah, straight up No, man, uh, the problem is is that you know Yes, I have the nickname fluffy but I ran into a situation where I found out I was type 2 diabetic And so it was for medical reasons that I had to lose weight and lose it fast And so fortunately I got a strong support team of friends and family and they said look man You got to lose weight. And of course some people are concerned what happens if you keep losing weight What are we gonna call you? What are we gonna call you? Hey, I lift weights. Call me buffy. I don't care. Okay The point is is that i'm trying to be around for my family for my friends and be around for you guys So you can't hate on that I love you, too, bro And it's not easy to lose weight. Believe me. I'm 38 years old I've been trying for a long time. But when someone tells you you're facing death you wake up really quick Um, I got a buddy of mine who uh who helped me out a lot his name is martin some of you already know him Yeah This is crazy. He's gonna freak out when he sees it. I go dude. They were saying your name in canada And it wasn't the cops. It was wonderful. It was cool Basically, he helped me out with the whole eating situation because we're always you know, staying at different hotels We travel a lot and so breakfast is my hardest meal because of all the carbs That's the number one thing I had to stay away from was bread and pasta and sugars and so anytime we're having breakfast For example, let's say i'm reaching for a muffin or for a waffle My buddy martin would always stand up in the middle of the restaurant wherever we're eating and he'd yell at me Hey You're gonna put that in your mouth fluffy You know what that's gonna do to your body. Hey Have some self-respect And he'd make me cry at breakfast But that is a good friend that would do that and in turn sometimes I gotta help out my friend martin Not necessarily about his weight but martin has his own issues too like for example from time to time We're in different cities where the hotels are overbooked because there's major events going on And so from time to time we got to double up on a hotel room, right? And every now and then martin will bring some random girl to the hotel room at three o'clock in the morning And I gotta look at him and say really bro You're gonna put that in your mouth You know what that's gonna do to your body Have some something how you doing brown guys look at you, huh? You guys uh, you guys got the sale on the shitty shoes What do you have in slippers you have two for one aren't they Are you guys twins brothers your brothers? You do look like twins, so But I mean not identical but very close Who's older same mother same mother. Yeah good Different father same father. That's good. Good Who who's older out of you two? You how old are you? 27 27 27 Same age as my career 27 And what's your name nash nash nash pinder nash pinder. There you go. That's uh Everybody was like nash And you got the flowers on your head sweetheart you look like a ******* snapchat I didn't want to wear them. I did not want to wear them. She made it but you still wore them She made it for me. She looks amazing. Yeah, she does It'd be funny if her if she just went and then like a dog face came out like just like It's a snapchat reference for the older folks. You have kids. Do you have kids ma'am? How many kids do you have? Two, what do you got? Boy and a girl, which one do you like better? Boy or the girl I like them both you like them, but that's not really the question. It's not a Listen you you know that you have a favorite it's human nature To like liking one of your kids more than the other is literally the difference between running and walking. You know that right? Like let me give an example you and your man you're sitting in the living room You're watching tv and all of a sudden you hear somebody fall down the stairs You're sitting all of a sudden Who is it? It's me. Oh my god Right, okay So you're sitting there All of a sudden you hear Oh my god, who is it? It's me. Oh for ****'s sakes, that's all i'm trying to find out which one would you run for? That's all i'm asking It's the boy, isn't it? It's always that way, you know mama's boy and daddy's little girl. I have a daughter. I like her. She's um She's all about daddy, which is great with me because i'm daddy, you know I think our parents were the last Great generation of parents if you think about it, they knew how to control us Think about when you were growing up There wasn't one second especially immigrant parents because immigrant parents are mad all the time. I don't know what they're mad at But whenever they talk to you, they're never like isn't it a great move that we left india and came to here, you know It's always like don't do that. Look at me do your homework make tea But we our parents controlled us we never i'm not for one second on any day did I ever control my parents And then when I was having my daughter I was like i'm gonna do the same thing my daughter Nobody's gonna i'm gonna control my kids and then when I had my daughter I realized I don't know how to control somebody Because I only know how to be controlled And now my daughter owns my ass She gets away with I don't know. She jedi mind tricks me dude. She's they're smart especially little girls little boys kind of idiots, but um Little girls smart sharp like that Okay, i'll give an example how she's jedi mind tricking the other day. She's at my house I I put dinner out for her on the table and I go baby eat your dinner. I'm gonna go feed the dog So I go I put her food. I go to feed the dog I come back to the kitchen My daughter's gone And her food is there And i'm like, where the hell did she go and I can hear her upstairs in her room So I go upstairs to her room and she's playing and I go. Hey You didn't finish your food she goes This is a lie and i'm so stupid I went oh, i'm, sorry They're smarter than us. They know how to they get away with things. Now. We never got away with things growing up Like my my uh, she was lying in her bed. My daughter's lying in her bed watching uh frozen I've never actually watched this movie, but disney's smart They put these songs in their movies that the kids love and you don't you don't need to watch the movie The songs are playing they're getting into your head. You don't even know they're sitting in there. They just sit there dormant And then they manifest themselves whenever they need to you don't even know the songs are i'm in traffic the other day This dude cuts me off. I lose my temper. I go you son of a bitch My brother just looks and goes dude, let it go Let it go So anyway, my daughter's lying on her bed while i'm watching uh frozen on her ipad And i'm one of those dads who's very excited. I'm always excited when I see my daughter I don't want to be a cool dad. I don't want to be the dad. That's like Hey, uh, so listen, why don't we have a conversation? She's a child and i'm very childish. So it works out really well So I burst into her room. First of all, it's my house. I'll burst into whatever room I want Second of all, she's five and a half. She's not gonna be doing anything weird. So we're good. So I burst in her room and I go And I guess it startled her But she didn't react like a five-year-old. She didn't react like She reacted like a woman She got angry It wasn't like it was like this Without using any words. She's went Do you not see what i'm doing? And she got so angry that it made me laugh And the more I laughed the angrier she got Like a real woman Next time your woman's yelling at you. I dare you to laugh They get worse. What are you laughing at? I don't know. It's awesome Happiness is making you angrier and I started laughing the more I would laugh the more angry she would get and the more angry she would get the more I Would laugh until she was just finally like daddy. Stop it And I go I can't you need to break this chain And then I started thinking about it There wasn't one single time in my entire life Even at 46 years old that I could have said to my dad That would not have ended well ever Imagine being five years old me being five years old sitting in the living room watching tv and my dad walks in son and I go You don't shush me I'll throw the tv at you This was 1975 when tvs weighed 1800 pounds When it was more than just a tv it was a tv. It was a speaker system. It was a shelving unit It was a turntable on top. It had an eight track player cassette deck. It held records phone books It had a doily that ran across the top with a vase with plastic flowers in them Those plastic flowers were the best thing ever invented in the 70s, you know, sweetheart you're wearing them on your head Can I keep that mic stand you don't mind? I like to lean on a mic stand. Just see it's nothing just no charisma None whatsoever, you know i'm used to it i'm uh First time in my life. I want to buy a nice car, man I do what you brought it out. Oh god bless. Can we hug it out? Can we hug it out? Come on, we gotta hug it out. We gotta hug it out. See look at that. Nothing. Absolutely nothing Literally went in for one of the most caring things ever, you know She's gonna be a horrible mother I came at her childlike. I asked for affection. That's what I get um I'm fucked up with the pockets on this goddamn shirt. Look at this. It makes sense My wife bought me this shirt. I said it was ******* ugly. She's like no it's it's in style Where's the camera? I want to talk to the douche In 2021 watching this making fun of me. This was my wife's ******* call. Okay, it wasn't worth the argument Okay, so I wore it What was up with that shirt shaking my head? **** you. The air is cleaner now um Not robots outside of my house is there? Um All right So as I mentioned I want to buy a nice car for the first time in my life. I'm looking at uh, I like that new corvette that stingray Loving it. It's a badass car, but i'm 46 and people are giving me ---- It's like don't you think you're a little bit old for that car? Yeah, I think you're a little old for that car It's like it's a 70 000 car when the **** was I supposed to get it? When I was 19 working at ------- wendy's, you know Sorry, I didn't deal drugs in my 20s It took me almost a half a century to make enough money just to get fucked on a lease, you know Can I just have that moment? People always have to ruin your good time if you get a cool vehicle Like if you get like a truck and you put a lift kit on it some big tires some awesome stuff People will say like oh, what's he compensating for? compensate Meaning like he's got a little dick So he buys this big truck to compensate for it. It's like yeah, or he knows how to like customize a truck Maybe it could be that right? Does that make any sense that if you had a little dick that you'd call all that attention to yourself? I wouldn't do that. I'd be over in the corner on like a scooter like yeah, nothing to see over here Just kind of hanging out. I uh got a great personality Maybe the guy in the truck's got a huge dick and that's why he needs all that clearance when he goes to get out stupid theories They do that with motorcycles too. If somebody has a loud motorcycle, what's he compensating for nothing? He's trying not to get killed That's why it's loud Most of the times you get hit on a bike. It's because people can't see you but if they can hear you You don't get hit that's what the **** it is. Okay, so I imagine people with all different size dicks are out there riding bikes So roll the dice ladies You have no idea what you're gonna get So It's a weird time down in my country Everybody all these ******* groups are always bitch moaning complaining about everything You know, there was a bar in texas and this waitress wrote on a little chalkboard Or as you walk into the bar, she wrote on the sign and said, uh, we like our beer the way we like our violence domestic Yeah Yeah, there's no reason to groan. That's a great ******* joke. It's a great joke. You remove one word from that joke It doesn't work. That's perfect. There's no fat On that joke, right? So a few people come in they read it. They don't give a ----, right? One person reads the joke doesn't like it goes to the manager take that down I don't like it. It's offensive and the manager's like look that's our sense of humor here You know, go get yourself a drink go **** yourself We're not taking it down So she bitched about it on facebook and next thing, you know, the manager and the waitress got fired Yeah What did they think was gonna happen? Did they really think that someone who would never beat a woman? Okay, they know not to hit a woman right which you have to know that you got to know not to hit a woman, right? You ever see him fall? It's ******* it's unreal. It's like it's like toddlers. They don't even put their hands up You know Like a guy falls off a bar stool. It's hilarious You know, he gets a nickname out of it like a woman falls off a bar stool. It's like a borderline fatality I don't know what happened. I mean she was sitting up She had one foot on the floor Came down like a sack of potatoes No, honestly, what do they think's gonna happen someone who never beats a woman? All right, it's gonna come walking in read that joke and be like wait a minute Wait a minute That was it you guys having a good time. All right i'm excited to be here I didn't really enjoy the world cup that much. I tried to get into it I didn't like the highlights but people call soccer the beautiful game But that if that's if you think jogging is beautiful It's a lot of jogging in soccer, I know how to fix soccer and make it more exciting You just got to put an extra ball on the field. That's it You put extra ball on the field you fix. It's exciting two games going on at the same time. It's chaos Pure chaos, you know how chaotic it gets when they drop the extra ball in the pinball machine and you get Not a not a soccer fan Uh, not a not a baseball fan A baseball game is good to go to if you got a friend you haven't seen in eight years And you want to go somewhere and talk for a few hours Without interruption. Let's go to this baseball game and catch up. Nothing's happening You can just talk and talk and talk Baseball sucks. One of the greatest achievements in the game of baseball is the no hitter. That's when nothing happens Oh, he was so good. Nothing happened, man You know how hard it is to make nothing happen in this stadium Pitchers can just avoid their problems. If somebody's too good, you can intentionally walk somebody like no, he's too good Catch a stand up a little bit stand over there. All right gonna throw to you for a few No, that dude's too good. I watched his highlights the other day He might knock it out of the park. I don't want to throw to him in basketball If somebody's too good, you have to put two players on you got to double team him you two guard him Which dude coach the guy with all the commercials and ----? All the parks aren't the same size in baseball Which is crazy to me Wrigley field is a different size Than yankee stadium, which means it's different to hit a home run In wrigley than yankee. That's how they score points And it's different everywhere That's crazy Do you imagine they did that in any other sport? Man, I love playing the knicks because the rims at madison square garden are four inches lower than everybody else You can just duck I can I never can duck. It's harder to duck in la than new york It's way easier to get a touchdown at packer stadium The field is only 50 yards long I'm, not a big baseball fan. I'm a huge fan of steroids though I'm a big fan of steroids. I love steroids. I'm flattered when athletes do steroids flattered. Thank you Thank you for sacrificing your long-term health for my short-term entertainment. Hell. Yeah Thank you so much A lot of times they find out late when athletes want steroids, especially baseball play. We just found out you want steroids during a 2009 season And let it go. It's been years. Let it go What are you gonna do it's over because you know what that person was on drugs they were probably hitting home runs Creating happiness making people high-five each other Like sammy solstice was on steroids playing for the cubs he was hitting home runs You know who was in the stands watching them probably a father and a son And they remember that dad remember when sammy solstice hit three home runs in one game Yeah, I remember that son. That was your first baseball game. Oh, wow. That was an amazing experience dad It was great for me to share that experience with you, too. I love you dad. I love you too, son Steroids did that ---- Steroids created that beautiful moment for that father and son. So if you're against steroids you're against family is what i'm saying Because pcp never did that for father and son Never been a father's that remember dad remember when that naked man kept punching us Uh, what horrible night daddy? Uh, he had so many combinations and it felt like he had equal power in both hands Sometimes they found out olympic athletes were on steroids. We just found out you won steroids during the 2012 olympics So that race that you won back then you lost it now then You we know that you won then but now you lost so second place they lost back then they won now then And you lost so now that you lost back then now give us your gold medals back You can say that I lost you can shame me in the press all that but you wouldn't be able to get my gold medals I'd make up the gold medals Oh, man, I don't the gold. I don't have those medals anymore, man What happened to the man? Oh, dude, I got drunk and I just started giving them to little kids in cancun, man I was so drunk and they were selling chiclets saying it was one in the morning And they like they were the real champions. I gave him the gold medals Well land somestone land somestone was on drugs who gives a **** he's riding a bike let him ride his bike That boy do drugs and ride his bike. Stop bothering that boy And also lynn somestone was able to become a millionaire riding a bicycle so he's a goddamn magician in my eyes A legend and a magician. How did he do that? How did he do that? You make any money riding a bike if you don't have a sandwich or a piece of you delivering to somebody with you So let that boy ride his bike. He's a magician. Also, of course, he was on drugs you see how long he had to ride a bike for I take an Adderall just to clean my apartment and Even then I don't finish I just end up really focused on some weird ---- from my past My high school yearbook. Damn. I miss my friend. Ken. Oh my friend. Tori and my friend black. Oh, it's cool Oh, look the bay team football team. Miss carter's english class. Damn. This place is a mess The world's changing people Uh, I got a problem with customer service, I don't know what's going on People got no passion anymore in their work. I don't know i've been working since i've been eight I was watching cartoons in the living room. My italian father came in. He's like, hey go start a business I had the type of father. He always questioned my downtime I couldn't take a nap nothing He'd always ask me hey, how long you get for lunch at school? Like I don't know about an hour he said how long does it take to eat a sandwich I'm, like 10 minutes. He's like don't you think for the extra 50 you could generate some revenue for this family? So i've been constantly looking for work I was an altar boy on sundays you didn't get paid for that, right But you could pick up extra shifts during the week working funerals. Okay So what I would do is I would eat my lunch at school run over to the church and work a funeral All the other kids eating their sandwich having fun meeting other kids 12 years old i'm over a corpse with incense So I grew up with having a work ethic and now I don't see that Every time I go out with the home depot looking at a barbecue, right? Does anybody at home depot know anything about anything in the store? So i'm in the barbecue section a woman at work there kind of fell into the section And do you ever look at somebody that works somewhere and just on the look alone you're like They don't know what the hell they're doing But I lobbed one in I said, let me lob one in I said, excuse me, you know anything here about the weber? It's like ah I think this one I go. Oh, you're gonna make it up And I didn't hear a word she said after that because now i'm focused On the full goatee that she's got why? goatee And work at home depot fine But should you be in the back on a forklift or something? Handling sad This is the best they got this is the front line of employment And if this is what's up front what the hell is in the bag It's an epidemic man I was over at my buddy's house. We were talking about things, right? I got a friend. He's got a lot of weapons at the house Know anybody like this got a lot of weaponry It's got a compound bow and arrow in the house I go Now if you don't know what a compound bow is the arrow travels at about 100 yards per second It could take out a timber wolf. No problem I'm like john what the hell you got this in the house for it's like you kidding me It's for home invasion Home invasion Could you imagine the poor bastard That breaks into my buddy's house as a criminal you can't even prepare for something like that Right the criminal comes through the kitchen window He thinks nobody's home My buddy hears him. He gets out his bow and arrow Criminals in the living room suspects nothing right then out of nowhere Do you know how that screws up your mind You gotta look down and process I got an arrow hanging out of my chest right now Did I break into an apache's home? Are there indians here? Is this a casino? What the hell's going on? You guys have been great. Take care. Be good Ah, this is this is beautiful It's a very diverse group of white people here, I I went to egypt and egypt was weird. Like I was scared to go and when I got there I was nervous because everybody there was in full muslim garb and it was in turbans and Wrapped and I was nervous. They treated me beautifully. I actually like the religion I would have converted if it wasn't for their politics on titties and bacon Well, especially the bacon part that really fucked There's no bacon you can't even eat bacon in private like I would have I wasn't gonna show up I would have ate it alone in my hotel room and not told anybody I would have wore one of the sheets and nibbled it under the flap You know, some people won't try baking for religious reasons. I won't try religions for baking reasons But I believe in god. I just don't like to bother him I only ask god tough questions like why are we here and how are we gonna get rid of this baby? It's never anything I went down south in america recently and there's this white lady that's like working with us She's taking us all over the place and showing us things and the first thing she says to me she goes. Hey chay I don't want to sound racist or anything, which is always the best way to start a conversation So I don't want to sound racist anything you've got to try this chicken restaurant down the block it's amazing Like why would that be racist she's like well, you know because you're black and you're like chicken Which is a weird that's one of those stereotypes that's like true And black people we really don't know how to respond to it. It's uncomfortable And I don't know why we're hiding what's wrong with liking chicken a lot. Is that strange? Is chicken an odd thing? Are we the only ones? Let's just say for instance just for argument's sake that black people love chicken more than any other race on the planet You got us you figured it out. You cracked the ******* code Why is that i'm asking because there was a guy that made the news his name is sergio garcia He's a golfer and he told tiger woods. He said i'm gonna make tiger woods some fried chicken at my house And the whole country said dad's racist And i'm like is it What kind of thoughtful ass racist? Finds out your favorite food And it threatens to make it for you That's damn near hospitable I live in new york city. So I don't know how people could be racist diversity is what makes things special I love it. I love cultures. You can't hate me. You need me i'm black I make ---- cool And we need white people because you make ---- safe And we all need asian people because they make ---- affordable I know you're not supposed to judge a book by its cover But that never made sense to me because that's why they put covers on books in the first place It's the whole purpose of a cover I don't get why people look prejudiced like that. It's weird You know, there's so much like homophobia in the world, which I don't judge people that are homophobic You know, but i'm not homophobic, but I can't judge you if you are. I don't know your life I can't tell you what to be afraid of maybe you got some real spooky gay guys in your neighborhood that I don't know about Maybe you had a gay ghost hide in your closet when you was a kid And they jump out and hiss at you. I don't know what you went through. It's not my problem I just know that it's weird if I go to a gay neighborhood and I tell my friends They always say the same thing. Hey be careful over this mad gay Like i'ma catch it You can't catch gay by going to a gay neighborhood. That's ridiculous. You can only catch gay in jail. I think people Well, I only know as I watch jail documentaries And there's always a guy on there's been since it's like 20 years five years in he's had sex with other dudes I've seen guys go five years without pussy before i've been to high school At the end of it. I never heard nobody say yo, you didn't get a date to prom either. Let's go. **** philip He's in the showers, let's stab him it's not That doesn't seem fair to philip I'm for equal rights And I think it's weird that I have to say that I think it's a weird thing That you could that's a stance you can have where you can say I think everybody should have the same rights as everybody else and someone else is like no, I disagree I beg to differ my friend I don't know what people are afraid of. What are you afraid of with gay marriage? What do you think's gonna happen? It's a weird thing. I heard this one dude. He's like, come on, man. You can't let gay people get married What's next people are gonna want to marry animals and i'm like Yeah, probably who gives a ----. I don't I eat animals you want to **** one. That's your business I'm, pretty sure i'm doing the worst thing to it Well, if I was a goat and you asked me If you were like, hey goat Would you rather be chopped up in this jamaican lady stew Or get blown by this strange farmer Wouldn't be the toughest decision i've made as a goat Hi. Hey everybody. It's great to be here. Uh, thanks for having me. It's my first time in canada playing so it's great to be here Uh people keep on asking me by the way. Have you tried our poutine or poutine? No, no, I haven't i've got enough ******* risk factors as is okay I don't need to add gravy fries with cheese to that ******* mix. I mean, come on I got one foot in the grave another one on a banana peel and you want to push me over What a dick country you guys are I do watch the news another we lost a bunch of airplanes. Holy ---- Anybody's scared that a ******* airplane's gonna hit you Me too, man. My neck's cracked. They're ******* losing planes all over the place, man. They're Uh, they lost that malaysian airplane I mean, they've lost two in the past couple of months man. At least they found this last one. Jesus. I uh People they don't know where to look man. They keep on going. Oh, we've Found debris. No, you haven't You have not found debris. Okay, you found uh, the stuff that's going to help tom hanks and wilson get off that island That's what you found If you want that plane found get them coke heads from the deadliest catch on it And tell them there's blow and crab at the bottom head tray They'll get it they're like, oh here we go. Here we go, right we found it It's awesome, man I do feel bad because you know everybody the whole world already thinks asians can't drive now this you know Too much It's been a very racist year in the states. It's been a very racist year But none of it's happened in the south which makes me happy because it makes me feel like we're making progress You know what? I mean? It's like yay Uh, the best one this year was donald sterling the owner of the la clippers, okay Uh, yeah, he was recorded saying I don't want but don't bring black people to my stadium Don't let black people on the front row. Don't put black people in my my booth Don't bring don't take pictures with black people black people black people black people. Okay And he said this to his kind of black girlfriend, okay I mean, she's not all black. Okay, there's a couple of other sticks in the woodpile, but you know what i'm saying There's a filipino stick a mexican stick something else is in there. Okay, he should have been banging his wife That's who he should have been banging. Okay at 83 You have you seen her? She looks just like him with smaller tits uh what's crazy is on the whole thing with Donald sterling is he said this okay, and he also said that don't take pictures with magic johnson He told his girlfriend you can bang magic johnson, but don't take pictures and i'm like no No No magic johnson's like a bad box of cracker jacks. There's something else in there. Okay Let's be honest he's had the hib for a minute now, huh? He's had that hiv for like 20 something years He looks better now than when he played ball, wow, you really are magic, aren't you dude you're incredible I mean he's had it for a while like the serial number on his hiv is 003. Okay He might have gave it to the monkey for all we know, okay i'm telling you He told his girlfriend to bang him. Are you kidding me? I don't think i'd do a cannonball in the magic johnson's pool. Are you crazy? No way, man What's weird is that uh now, uh, like when he said all this, uh, the uh By the way, people go. Do you think he knew he was being recorded and I say yes because he said black people All right Yeah Okay The value though of his team, okay when he said all this was 738 million dollars, okay And a month ago he sold it for 2 billion dollars All I gotta say is I don't want no black people in my house All right, folks as soon as I get paid i'll i'll make it up to you Okay, i'll i'll make mcdonald's bring the mcrib back when it ain't even time. Okay people son He brought the mcrib back in august, you know, that's a february sandwich