CATS WANT YOU TO BE FAT! 😅_ Louie Anderson

Aren't dogs great? The dog's always happy to see you, you're always happy to see... No matter what, if you come back five times in five minutes, the dog is still happy to see you each time. Huh? Oh my god, you came back! No! Don't ever leave me again! Now let me lick you! Cats don't care if you're home. Hey Fluffy! Cats love when you're fat. They're always over there when you're fat. They're doing the elliptical, working out on your stomach, you know? Don't you move, I'll scratch the hell out of you. Have you been to Canada? Because it's an experience. First of all, you fill out the immigration thing. Are you carrying $10,000 or more? Are you crazy? I'm coming from the States, we don't have $10,000! Are you bringing any weapons? Yeah, I got a howitzer in my hollow leg. Does anybody say, yeah, I'm bringing weapons in and I'm flush with cash. How about the walk from the plane to customs? Have you ever done that? What is that for? To weed out the sick and infirmed? And I get up there and you know, even though I don't have any drugs on me, I'm still nervous with the customs people. I don't have any drugs. A donut maybe, but no drugs. And then he says to me, are you planning on visiting a farm while you're here? Well, should I? I get there at 1230 at night, you know? I was starving. There's nothing open in Canada at 1230. I said to the guy who was driving me, he goes, there's really nothing open. I go, take me to the gas station. I like that food. Women won't eat it, but men will. I'm not eating that. What's wrong with that? It's tuna. It's packaged. I'll get that and the apple they played hacky sack with. Don't you think they throw the fruit around when no one's there? Whoever's working. Hey, Bill! I come out of the store and a homeless guy comes up to me. He goes, I haven't eaten in five days. Well, you're not getting this. I didn't say it, but I thought it. You know, I haven't eaten in five days. What's that like? I went three hours once, but that was just a bad waiter. I gave him money so he could get his tuna sandwich. And the guy driving me goes, you know, he's going to buy dope with that. Well, I didn't think he was going to start an IRA. Of course he's going to buy crack with that. Why not? If you're homeless, you buy crack. If you're on crack, you don't think you're homeless. How you doing? I'm president! Everybody has their own crack. Food's mine. I see those 99 cent McDoubles. I think, how can I afford not to get one? For $3, I could be sick as a dog. People talk about food like it's drugs. You ever hear people talk about it? Oh my God, we went down to this place. You got to go down an alley and you knock. They let you in. There's food in there. Well, where is it? I can't tell you. Food is actually something that haunts me. You know, that's why I eat it. And I open my drapes in the morning and right across the street, McDonald's, Pizza Hut, Cold Stone, Krispy Kreme. That's my Mount Rushmore. Those are also my passwords. McDonald's, Pizza Hut, Cold Stone, Krispy Kreme. And they're building an urgent care center right next to it. Not a minute too soon. McDonald's. They started the whole thing. They started feeding us when we were kids. They said it's like dope when you drive by McDonald's with your parents. Dad! McDonald's! Dad! There's a liquor store by it, Dad! Those aren't arches. Those are butt cheeks. You turn those around. Oh, I know her. I try to order healthy because I have thin friends. They're always happy for you when you're fat and you order healthy. You're thin friends. I don't know why. They're just happy. I'll get the chicken wrap. Oh, Louie. You're gonna get a wrap? So proud of you. Don't get too excited. I'm gonna have them deep fry it. One time I was in there. I go, what's a mac wrap? We took a Big Mac and put it in a wrap. You're all going to hell. You want one? Yeah. McDonald's are good. Pizza? All right. I had that Chicago pizza. You ever been to Chicago and had the deep dish pizza? Jesus. There's still a piece of that in my colon somewhere. You get to a certain age, you can't digest that anymore. It's like a tennis shoe in a dryer. Sometimes I'll just be walking and go, Chicago?