The truth behind having a great name. Kermet Apio

So I'm excited to be here. I live in Seattle, Washington. Not originally from the Northwest, born and raised in Hawaii. I am Hawaiian, or as they pronounce it in Arizona, suspicious. I had a woman come up to me after a show one time, she goes, I was in Hawaii one time, I was in this place called Kalali, Lali, Lali, Lali. And she asked me, what does that mean again? Well, the way you pronounce it, it means, please take my purse. Funniest one, this guy goes, how long have you lived in the States? You mean other than the one I was born and raised in? He got snippy, he got mad at me. Well, you know what I mean. Yeah, I know what you mean, but it's wrong. You can't say wrong stuff and blame me. What if I said to him, how long you been a woman? Long time? Oh, man, woman, it's just words, you know. I'm not familiar with your mainland semantics, I don't know. I love your Hawaiian pizzas. Because we Hawaiians are so famous for our Canadian bacon, you know. I grew up near the Canadian bacon trees of Oahu. And we'd climb up and knock the bacon off the branches. You want a Hawaiian pizza? Put spam on that bad boy. There's your Hawaiian pizza. How many of you have been there? It's true, Hawaiians love spam. I didn't realize until I moved away that nobody else does. We love spam and regular, not light. They have spam light. Because if you're health conscious, you're probably shopping for spam. Is this gluten free? Is it? Spam light, it says in the can, it's low salt. You know what spam without salt is clay. As you heard, my name is Kermit Appeal. Appeal is a Hawaiian name, Kermit is not. I had someone ask me, Kermit, is that your stage name? Yes, I chose that one, yep. It's a real name, my parents gave it to me. My mom was trying to be nice. Kermit is a Celtic word meaning great warrior. It's also an American word meaning frog, mom. I hated the first day of school so much. They're taking attendance, Kermit Appeal. You see every kid with a weird name going, yes, not gonna be me. Frog boy's gonna get it all year long. Hey, Seamus, Sunflower, you hearing this? I come home, my mom would ask me, how was your first day? My name is Kermit, mom. Take a guess. Oh, and thanks for the green bell bottoms, they're helping, mom. Oh, by the way, for those of you under 40, the bell bottoms are pants that went out of the anus. I don't blame my parents, I wasn't named after the frog. Because that would have been mean, wouldn't it? Well, son, Snuffleupagus was too hard to spell. I was named after a football player, that is true. My mom went into labor on a Sunday morning, went out and was watching football. There's a linebacker for the Miami Dolphins named Kermit Johnson, who had a really good game that day. Well, lucky me then. I'll tell you what, I'm so glad he wasn't watching the Chicago Bears. And Dick Butkus, because I'm Butkus Appeal. Now go ahead and beat me up now. No, I don't need lunch money, I'm Butkus. And that's where my comedy career started.