The Worlds Funniest Police Officer. Kevin Jordan - Full Special

Hey, you been drinking? He got, he got a bottle under the seat right there, right there. I have been blessed enough. I've done over a hundred USO shows for the troops overseas. You know, I think they ask too much about soldiers. You get captured by the enemy. You can't even give out information. Did you know that? Name, rank, serial number. That's all you can give away. I don't know if I could pull that off. They capture me, it's gonna be like, hey, tell us where your troops are. I ain't telling you a thing. All right, you step over to this map over here. They give them camouflage uniforms, BDUs, they used to call them in the army, that green and black camouflage. I ain't said Army and Marines have a camouflage. They go into jungles, they hide, they sneaky like that. They get a uniform to the Air Force too. What do you need to look like a tree for when you work in an air base? What are you afraid, the enemy gonna fly overhead? Ooh, stand still. I like women in the military. I think it's sexy when women serve. Put that camouflage uniform on. Something about a woman dressed like a tree with boots on. I'd buy you one, girl. I would. Dress you up like a tree. Spray you with a little pine saw. Send you out into the forest to hide from me. I'd run up on you, I'd be like, yeah, I got you. Thought you was hiding. Thought you were looking like a tree. I wouldn't go find you, but I caught you. She'd be like, I'm over here. Yeah, I never joined the military. I joined the police department. I was a Los Angeles police officer. You know what's amazing? As soon as I quit being a police officer, they had the Rodney King scandal, O.J. scandal, Chief Darrell Gates scandal, Rampart Division scandal, and the gang division scandal. All that happened after I quit. Who knew I was the glue holding that whole department together? And being a cop, just like being in the military. Academies like boot camp, get up every morning, sing those running songs. Up in the morning with the rising sun. Run all day till the running's done. I hated that. We were policemen. We should have been singing songs like, Running around this gymnasium floor. We're out of donuts, gonna get some more. Wasn't there a cop over here? Where? Right there? Oh, there you are. Oh, look at that. Don't point to him. Don't do that. We used to love people who pointed. That was our favorite people. When you pull somebody over. Hey, you been drinking? He got, he got a bottle under the seat right there. Right there. You a police officer? Yeah, look it, you don't like the light in your eyes. See what it feels like? You see that? Yeah. Yeah. All them people weren't drunk, they were blind. See how it happens? What city? Logan. Oh, is that a big town? Big city? You got a helicopter? No. You got a tank? LAPD, we got a tank buster. Everybody gotta learn to drive. You got anything? You got, you got a siren on top of the car? You got that? But a passenger officer got to stick his head out the window. Are you retired? Close. Man, how many years you got on? 23. 23. Wow, that's a lot. Good for you. What do you work? What do you work? I work in juvenile crime. Juvenile crime. Well, look at 17. Hey, that's my grandma's glaucoma medicine. That's what that was. Yeah, I work patrol. Backbone of the department. Matter of fact, I had a female partner when I worked patrol. I had a female partner, 5'1", 110 pounds. That's it. Now I'm only 5'4", 140. We got out of the car, we look like the munchkins from the Wizard of Oz. Just walk up to the side of a car. Get back in the car and drive away. All right, let's see who we got in the audience. Let's see. Let's see who's here. All right. So apparently on a Saturday night, Provo. Oh, we only have one black person. That's it? That's one? That's it? Come on, Provo, you can do better. Just one. This is terrible. How are you, honey? All right, give me the wink if they're holding your hair against your will. Just let me know. Skates all around. That's always good. I can do a lot. I travel a lot. It always amazes me when I go places, I don't see people of color. That just amazes me when I travel. I was in Minot, North Dakota. No black people in North Dakota, none. I asked this one guy, I go, hey, where's the black part of town? And the guy actually goes, wherever you happen to be at the time. All right? I'm fighting off a cold, man. In other words, I'm fighting off a cold. As a matter of fact, I almost didn't show up. I was going to cancel. I was going to just call in sick on this show. That's what you do when you don't want to go to work. All right, call in sick. Everybody calls in sick at their job. No one ever believes you when you do it. Always got to use your very best call in sick voice. When I used to work in an office, my very best call in sick voice was, was Elmer Fudd. Hello. I'm not feeling very well today. I'll be in tomorrow. Hello. Now then when you do get sick, what do you do? You go to work. Man, I feel like crap. But no sense wasting a sick day. How old are you? Right there in the middle in the black. How old are you? 17. Ain't that something? 17. Sitting here with the grown folk tonight. Look at you, look at you. Got a little puff fuzz on your lip there. Think you're grown. Got one hair coming out of your chin there. That's something. Sitting here like you special. You ain't even a man yet, 17. Don't get it, don't get it twisted. Let me show you something. You see this? I am a man. You know why? Because I'm in the man club. I'm in the man club. He's in the man club. Want to be in the man club, 17? Answer the man club question. You can be in the man club just like us. You ready? Here we go. Do you know where your prostate is? You ain't a man till a team of experts come in the room and show you where your prostate is. How about that? Ain't really a whole team, but it feel like the whole team going in. That is a wicked exam. That doctor comes in the office with some grease and a glove. That's all he brings. He ain't bring me no flowers. He ain't take me out to dinner. I don't know what kind of grease they use on that exam, but it don't wash off. Can't wipe it off. You walk around for three days. 17. Look at you. Look how good looking you are too. Look at you. Got all your hair. I bet both your knees are real. Walk into a room and remember why you went in there. 17. Don't get old, 17. I'm telling you, fight it tooth and nail. Don't get old. They will do some things to you. I had that other exam. Oh, because I have health care now. I ain't always have health. You know what? In Canada, they got free health care. We fight over how we gonna pay for it, who are we gonna call it, who gonna name it. You could be in Toronto and break a nail. It's like, oh my God, I broke a nail. Really? Come on in, get an MRI. It's free, just to get in there. I ain't never had health care before. One day I was riding my bike, I fell. I didn't know what to do. So I went to the airport. Just laid on the x-ray machines. Broken, it feels broken. Now, I have health care. Being more proactive about my life. Like I had that other exam. Colonoscopy. You ever heard of this one, 17? They take your camera and they shove it right up you. They make you just groggy enough so you can't fight back. Take that camera, shove it up you and take pictures. And that is a selfie. You do not want to put it on Facebook. That exam made me nervous. I ain't never had an exam like that before. I was really nervous. So I always deal with nervousness with a little humor. So I was messing with the doctor. I go, hey listen, when I was like two or three, I swallowed a little truck. So see if you see it in there. The wise guy doctor I had goes, was it blue? 17. Kids at a show. Kids, kids so bad. I was watching a talk show. Children out of control. 11, 12 years old on national TV cursing at they mother. That's terrible. I remember when I was 12 years old, my mother told me to wash the dishes. I ain't washing no dishes. Suck my teeth, roll my eyes and turn my head. Two weeks later when I came to at the hospital, those dishes are still sitting there waiting for me too. I ain't playing no crap back then. There were no timeouts. A timeout, what is that? How about a little knockout for they behind, how about that? You know, kids today, they call 911 and turn you in. Man, I wish somebody told me about that when I was a kid. My father been like, oh, you gonna call 911? All right, there's the phone and here's you. Now, if you think you can make it from here to the phone, before I make it from here to your behind, go, go on. Call the police on me and an ambulance for yourself. Sometimes I don't even blame the children because they ain't children. Children gonna get away with anything you let children get away with. Sometimes it ain't bad, now all I do is blame us the adults because all we do now is give them labels. Oh, he's not bad. He's ADD. It's not his fault. He ADD. ADD. Ain't nobody have ADD back in the day. You know what took care of ADD? B-E-L-T, that's what took care of that. That spells belt, 17, so they keep up with the show. As an old African adage goes like this, takes a village to raise a child. Used to be like that. Used to be anybody in the neighborhood who knew you, they saw you do wrong, they was allowed to whoop your behind. I remember once I threw a snowball at a bus. Lady up, she saw me do it, she whooped my behind. She told lady live across the street from me, she whooped my behind. That woman told my mother whooped my behind, told my father. My father called the bus driver up. He came over, got some shots in. And they wasn't too particular, but they'd swing at you back then either. Hairbrushes, extension cords, that big fork and spoon that hung on the wall in the kitchen. She ain't never tossed no salads at them things. Tossed my behind around the living room, that's all she ever did. Anything she could find. She mad at you, she was in your room, she'd pick up a Hot Wheel track, whoop you with that. Everybody got whooped with a Hot Wheel track. Many a time I went to school with them orange parallel lines across my behind. Ain't that about nothing? Give you a Christmas present and whoop your behind with it. Kids got too much today. Nintendo, Super Nintendo, PlayStation 1, 2, 3, 4, Xbox, Dreamcast, Game Boy, GameCube, Wii, Switch. It's the new one. How old are you over there with the glasses? 16. Who you here with 16? Your mom and dad? Ain't that sad? Mom and dad wanted to have a Saturday night and they had to bring you along. Ain't that sad? You guys got children? Did you bring them? No. You guys got children? Did you bring them? No. Children? Bring them? No. See what I'm getting at with your mom and dad? See what I'm getting at? Don't bring anything to the club you don't really need. 16. What gaming system you got at home 16? Xbox One. What you got 17? Nintendo Switch because we're rich. We didn't have all them high tech toys when we were kids. Most high tech toy we had was Etch-a-Sketch. You play with that game for hours. Hey, what are you making? Stairs. Oh man. I messed up. Hit the delete button. My sister had a toy called a Suzy Homemaker Easy Bake Oven. That had, cooked by light bulb. Cook a cake that big with a light bulb. That was high tech. Had two little kids on the box staring into the oven and right above their heads it said watch a cake bake right before your eyes. Yeah, you know why Johnny couldn't read? Because Johnny burnt his retinas out watching that cake bake. We had simple toys. Had to use a little imagination with our toys. We had Play-Doh. Ain't nothing more simple than a can of Play-Doh. Pop open a fresh can. Yeah, everybody over 40 knows what a can of Play-Doh tastes like too. Everything about our generation was better. We had better candy back in the day. We had that fashion candy necklace. Remember that little beads on the string? Eat some. Snap it out. Give your friend some. Let him lick on it. Snap it back. Neck would be all wet from spitting saliva on him and all that ----. Little wax bottle with the juice in it. Remember that? Had like that much juice. Oh, that's refreshing. Looking cool walking down the street with your candy cigarette. That's right. You ever have a Red Bull 17? Huh? We didn't need Red Bull back in our day. We had Pixie Stix. Big straw full of sugar. Oh, man. I once ran from New York to Connecticut in six minutes. Good one. We had great, oh, remember this one? Remember those big red wax lips? Remember that one? Yeah. That wasn't a big seller in my neighborhood, but... Yeah, knock yourselves out on that one. I feel sorry for these kids today. Nothing's exciting. We had television. Television was exciting when we were kids, man. Every Sunday, you watched Walt Disney. Everything was exciting. They got too many channels. Hulu and Netflix. Netflix and YouTube and cable. You know? They had like 5,000. We had seven channels. I had seven channels as a kid. Seven. But there was always something good on. Like we had a show where a dog could talk to humans. Lassie. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. Jimmy's in the barn. And the barn's on fire. About a year after that show, they doubled down on us and gave us a dolphin that could talk to humans. Flipper. Eh, eh. Jimmy's in the barn. I don't know what these kids got so weak. I can't eat white bread because white bread has a gluten in it. I get a gluten in me. We grew up on the whitest of white bread of all time. Wonder bread. That was like biting into a cloud it was so white. Help build a strong body 12 ways. I know a body can move 12 ways, but wonder bread would do that for you. You know what my favorite sandwich was when I was a kid? Spaghetti and meatball on wonder bread. That's enough gluten to kill four kids today. I don't blame, I don't blame these kids though. I don't. Every commercial they see is a drug commercial. It's Xenotex right for you. Ask your doctor, do you need Xenotex? Xenotex may cause baldness, blindness, loss of appetite, tooth decay, anal leakage. That is a lot to cure a runny nose. I'll tell you that right now. We had drug commercials back in the day, but they weren't trying to kill us. Watch this 17. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. Relief. No leaks. Why are they so lazy? This is video games. They can't run, can't jump. They do this all day. I'll give you a perfect example of how lazy kids are today. Back in our day, we had a lollipop called a charms lollipop. It was like that big, that thick. You'd lick that lollipop, man. It was good. Licked that lollipop for about four days and your mouth would turn red, green, orange. Man, that was a good lollipop. Here's how lazy they are today. They lick a lollipop now. There's a battery in the handle. And the lollipop spins around. How lazy can you be? Ah. I'm tired. I think we were the last generation to go outside and play. Everything we did was outside. You ran around the street until the streetlight came on and that was the signal for everybody to go in the house. Every game we played was a running game. Hide and Go Seek was a running game. Tag was a running game. Some days, you step out the house, you in the middle of the game, you didn't even know you was playing. You ever play cootie stick 17? Never? Somebody would grab a stick like this and they would rub it around and a little dog crap like that. And they'd chase you all over the neighborhood with that thing. You step out the house, somebody would yell cootie stick, cootie stick. Ah, ah. That's what we did. That's how we were. We ran. We ran every game we played, running game. RCK. You ever play RCK 17? Never play that game? Girls run and you chase them. If you catch one, you could kiss her. That's right. RCK, run, catch and kiss. You know what you learn as a kid playing that game? The cute girls are really, really fast. Because all the ugly girls running down the street. Oh, I fell. Oh. I always fall in this game. Just run up on them. Oh, excuse me. Gotta go. Can't even be kids no more. You got pets at home, 17? Yeah, what do you got? A dog. Yeah, we had a dog. Me and my brothers, we used to get hamsters. Hamsters were only a dollar a piece. All three of us could get one. And then we used to play Hamster Olympics. Ever play that? Get a record player. Put the hamster on the record player. First you start at 33. Then at 45. Then 78. Man, there'd be hamsters flying all over that room. Zing, zing, zing. My brothers would cheat because they would dip theirs in Krazy Glue before they put them on the record player. See little hamsters going around. Look at 17. What's a record player? I'm gonna read you from New York City. I get this all the time. You don't sound like a real black New Yorker. Think all black New Yorkers sound like this here. Say, what up with that? What's your name? What's going on? Yo, yo, what's up? What's up? I got family that talks like that. As soon as I open the door in New York, it's, Yeah, boy, yo, come in. Yo, give us a kiss. Step in, step in. Give us a kiss. I'm like, yeah. Settle down, Grandma. Like I said, I got two older brothers. I got an older sister. When I was a kid, my father had the biggest car ever made in American history. Bigger than a Cadillac. A brand new 1967 Ford LTD Country Squire station wagon. Big car. Big, so big it didn't even have wood paneling on it. Like most station wagons had two full-grown Redwoods strapped to each side. And my mother and my father sat up front. My brother, my sister, my brother, they sat in the middle. And then way in the back, in a seat that faced in the other direction, this was my chair. Anywhere we ever went, any trip we ever took, this is where I had to sit. The only time I knew where we was going is when we backed out the driveway. Are we there yet? That was my job. Any trip we ever went on, it was my job every five minutes to ask, are we there yet? No. Quit asking. Well, how the heck am I supposed to know? I can still see the house from here. Now every summer, my father got it into his head that we had to go see America. Two weeks, and every year, go see America. Get out there in the open roads, get out there in those super highways, people waving at me all the time. Now up there where my brothers and sisters were, they had all sorts of games to play with. Coloring books, Connect-A-Dots, toys, puzzles, all sorts of things to do up there. I was back here with my father's tools. Had to make up things to play with. Hey, there's a roll of Dad's Good Tape. Boy, I bet I could have a lot of fun playing with that. What are you doing? You know, we used to go to the drive-in movie theater a lot. The whole family would be watching Bambi by Disney. I'm watching Bambi and Eddie. 17, are you an old school kid? No? I'm gonna give you the old school test. That your buddy next to you? How old are you? 17? Uh, 17. Officer. Both of you, stand up. Stand up. Stand right there. Right there. There you go. I'm gonna give you both the old school test, okay? Here's what you're gonna win. There's prizes involved. Here's what you're gonna win. You're gonna win a bag of old school candy. Alright? It's got a wax bottle with the juice. It's got some pixie sticks. It's got this candy. What was this candy? Dots, yeah. It's got dots. They're little like half circles of cement. You know? You're gonna eat more paper than candy. I'm telling you that right now. So it's gonna be like a high fiber candy. Okay. Alright, so here we go. Alright? Alright, so all you have to do is answer one question right. Okay? Alright, don't help him. That's our future right here, 17. Alright? Okay, so just get one question right. Alright? Here we go. Here's the first question. What is this? A number two pencil. No, no, you were so close though. No, this is what we used to use to rewind our cassettes. Alright, come on 17. Alright, that's a hard one. Okay, here. What's this? This is easy. What's this? Can you see that? What is that? A nickel. Man, you were so close on this one. That was close. No, this is the exact amount of weight we needed to put on a record needle to keep it from skipping. I still don't know what a record player is. Alright, alright. Okay, alright. Okay, this one's easy. Your dad got tools or your mom got tools. What's this? This is easy. What's that? Pliers? No, no. You were so close. Man, you were so close. No, this is what we used to use to change the channel on the TV. That's all we had. There was no remote back in the day. You were the remote. You'd be outside playing and your dad would come in the house. Your dad, change that TV to channel seven. Alright, come on now. We're halfway through. You ain't get one yet. Alright, come on. Alright, this is easy. This is easy. You've been to the store. Everybody been to the store. What's this? That's easy. What's that? A brown paper bag. No, no. You were so close though. It's a book cover. I thought they were like shops. I think it's like four for four over there. You know what this is, right? A book. Okay, because y'all scare me. Y'all don't know. Video online. Y'all don't know what it is. This is the original Google right here. This is it. This is the Seabook Encyclopedia. We were kids. Everybody had a set of encyclopedias, right? Britannica or World Book. If you had to write a report on Columbus, you got the Seabook. 30 kids in the class. Everybody copied out the book. 30 of the same reports show up at school. Alright, come on. We're getting near the end. I want you to win now. Okay, wait a minute. Alright, this is easy. This one's easy. You've seen this. What is this? What is that? Phone book. A phone book. No, you were so close. It's a booster chair. Oh, see? You see this? You saw this twice at your grandma's house. Thanksgiving and Christmas. That's when you saw it. I know because I had to use one. So, okay. Still do. Anyway. Alright, this is the last question. Alright, this time, just ask somebody because I don't want you to go home empty-handed, right? So, ask somebody if you don't know the answer. Just ask, alright? Alright, this one's easy. This one's easy. Okay, let's see if I can get it out of here. Alright, what is this? An antenna? No, it's a hanger. What the hell is wrong with you? Now it's an antenna. There you go. Thanks, guys. There's one for you. One for you. 17. Thanks, 17. 17. Sir? Time must be, we're getting near. I got a watch for Christmas. My son bought me a watch. I wanted a watch. Bought me an iWatch. Let's see. You can check your pictures. You can check your email. You can play your music. You can make a phone call like Dick Tracy. Dick Tracy, 17. You can, tells you how well you slept. Has a little heartbeat monitor. You can send your heartbeat to somebody. I think they put that feature in there so your children don't have to visit you. Let's see. You can tell the temperature in different countries. Today, somebody asked me what time it was. I have no idea. But it's 60 degrees and raining in Paris. I know that. People always say, why you become a cop? I can tell you right now because I got a Napoleon complex. I got short man disease. My attitude when I was a cop was the bigger the guy was, the more I wanted to whoop his behind. I whooped up on some big guys. I once whooped this guy up. He was like, like five, six. He's a monster. I couldn't be a cop here in Provo. I'll tell you that right now. It is too cold. It is. I could not. I would never leave my warm police car. I'd get in behind like the worst criminal in town. I'd just get on the radio. Step out of your vehicle. He'd yell back. Come up here and get me. All right, you can go. I just got married. Six months in, going pretty good. My wife is a retired homicide detective. She's a detective. A lieutenant homicide detective. My wife has a unique way of making me do things that I don't want to do. Like I won't wash dishes. I ain't never wash no dishes. Ain't never gonna wash no dishes. That's my thing. I ain't wash no dishes. My wife likes to watch a show called Date Line. You ever seen this show? It's always about a murderer, usually a spouse. You know? And they show how the police solve the murder. She likes to watch that show with me. And then at the end of the show she'll always go, you know what they did wrong on that show, right? When you bury a body, you should put cement over the body. That way the dogs can't smell the body. And you always leave your phone off. Leave it at home. Because when you drive with your phone, the GPS on the towers leaves a ping trail. That's how I would've done it. You gonna get them dishes done? My wife has two guns. She's a detective. She has a two inch, five shot Smith & Wesson, and she has a Beretta. Locked in a case. When she moved into my house, she hid the guns. I said to her, where'd you put the guns? She goes, you do not need to know. I can't even have a simple argument with my wife. I can't. You know? One day we were watching the game, she goes, man, the Lakers look good. I go, you crazy. Lakers stink. She goes, I'll be right back. I said, oh, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. No, I was joking. Lakers are good. I'll do the dishes. I had a bachelor party. Are you married, 17? No? It's Utah. Gotta ask. Nothing wrong with a bachelor party. Nothing wrong with a bachelorette party. Know the best party for a woman? Bridal shower. That's where the women get all them great gifts, and that's still a victorious secret. Oh, that is my favorite store in the whole world. They should put a big keg of beer and some bleachers and that's done. Love all those sexy things. You married? Like all those sexy things in lingerie? Yeah, I know you like them. You just don't get to see them anymore, do you? You only see it twice when you get married. You see it once on a honeymoon, you see it again if she wrecked your car really bad. That's it. Because I tell you what, every woman in here, every single woman in here has a ton of lingerie at home. A ton of it, all stuffed in the one drawer. So full of lingerie, you can't even open that drawer. Full of lingerie. They don't ever wear none of that to bed. Know what they wear? That nasty, oversized, Utah jazz T-shirt. That's what they wear. Shirt so old, still got a picture of Karl Malone on the front of it. Victorious secret. They always have a women's underwear sale going on in that store, right? Never go to a men's store to see a men's underwear sale. That's because men think a three-pack of underwear is a 15-year supply. We will wear them and wear them till the elastic band just disintegrates. We don't throw them away then. Then we take them outside and wash the car with them. Look at that, hey. These my Scooby-Doos. These are great. Let me tell you guys something about, let me tell you something about police work for a change. Let me tell you something real quick. Anybody in here ever get a speeding ticket? Yeah? Really? You know why you got it? Because you deserve it. Right? You guys don't listen. The speed limit says 55. That's what it says. That's the limit. Oh, officer, don't they allow you five miles? No. Where does the sign say 55? But if your favorite song come on the radio, go on and take five more for yourself. It don't say that. 55, that's what it says on the sign. Ain't 55 with a little winky emoji on it? 55. No. It's 50. You go to the mountains, you get on the edge of the mountain, the sign say, this is your limit. You don't go, hey, let's take five more steps. And if you get a ticket, just pay the ticket. Pay the ticket. Don't try to bribe the officer. I've had guys offer me cash. I had a guy offer me cocaine. Man, that's real smart. Don't pay $150 ticket, go to jail for two years. How about that? That's a good trade-off. I had a person once say to me, I'll show you my breasts if you let me off the ticket. I was like, listen, no, no, sir, you don't have to do that. I just, you can leave, but no. Yeah. Let me tell you guys something about police on the inside police work. Sometimes you'll see two officers working together. They don't always get along. You know? I've had some bad partners. I had this one partner. I hated that guy. All he'd do is yell at me, don't touch the log sheet. Don't touch the radio. You understand what I'm saying? Yeah. Don't touch anything. You understand? Yeah, yeah. Then he'll go back and tell the captain, Jordan just sits there. He won't touch the log sheet. Won't touch anything. Officer Tucker was his name. Tucker the, well, Tucker. We'll leave it there. That's just Tucker. So one day me and Tucker get a call and we make an arrest. I'm putting the guy away in the holding cell. Now when you put a guy away in the holding cell, you take off all your weapons. Take off your primary weapon. Take off your secondary weapon. Take off your mace. Take off everything. You lock it away. That way there's no accidents when you put him away. So I'm processing the guy. There's a bang on the glass. It's Tucker. Come on, we gotta go. We gotta go. There's a 211 at Winchell's right up the street. Come on. Now for those of you who don't know, Winchell's is a donut shop in Los Angeles. If you're a criminal robbing a donut shop two blocks from a police station, it's pretty certain we're gonna catch you. So he's banging on the glass. Come on, we gotta go. We gotta go. So I'm like, I haven't finished processing. Come on, come on. We gotta go. So out we go. We run, jump in the cruiser. We get over there. Halfway there I realize I have no weapons on me. We get to Winchell's just as the two guys are coming out of Winchell's. We pull up. Tucker jumps out on the driver's side. Pulls his weapon. Throws him out. I jump out on the passenger's side. I don't have anything, so I just point my finger at him. Tucker says, hey, I'm gonna go inside to see if there's any more. You sit out here and you hold these guys here. He runs in the Winchell's. I'm safe. Even they're looking at me like what's going on? Hey, put your head down. Put your head down. Don't look at me. Tucker comes out, looks at me. I look at him. He looks at me. He goes, you should take the safety off. True story. I did a lot of cool things on the job. Coolest thing I ever did was deliver a baby. That's the coolest thing I ever done. This woman, her water broke. It was cool because I got my name in the LA Times the next day and everything. But this woman, her water broke and she calls her husband to come get her and he don't show up. So she tried to drive herself to the hospital and she panicked and pulled into a 7-Eleven. Somebody saw my cruiser had a red light. They ran out the street and got me. Had to turn around, come back in and deliver a baby in a 7-Eleven. Got my name in the LA Times the next day and everything. Let me tell you something. You work for LAPD. They just assume you know how a baby's born. They don't show you a video, ain't no puppet show, nothing. I ain't never seen no baby born before. I thought a baby would pop out and maybe even a blanket pop out with him. There's a lot of things that come out of there with that baby. I thought she was having twins. I was like, you know, hmm, one of them look like you and the little one, you're gonna have to love him special. He ugly. That's an ugly child. Oh my God. Oh, bastard. Here's the best part. You'll appreciate this the most. Here's the best part. So then when the EMT came and took her to the hospital, when she pulled into 7-Eleven, she pulled into a handicapped slot. So I rode a car ticket and had it towed away. I had it towed away.