Phill Hanley Owns the Stage - Stand-up Comedy Moments #136)

What college did you go to? The what? The College of New Jersey. Okay, cool. Wow, I think you might have got ripped off. I don't think that's a... I've never seen that on a sweatshirt or anything like that. I guess the College of New Jersey would be on an undershirt. You seem young to be married too. What's your husband do? A what? A professor. Okay, it makes sense. So you married him when you were... Yeah, that checks out. It's called the College of New Jersey, everybody. Sir, is that your girlfriend? Your wife? I don't know. I thought maybe you were a DJ. Oh, you wanted me to confuse you with a girlfriend. I'll do all the material. Did you propose in a romantic fashion? That's what I want to do someday. Where was the situation? On the corner where he should have kissed her first. Okay. Sitting on the cooler where they first met. Sounds like you might have been homeless when you met her. She must have loved you out of the gates. I've never seduced a woman from a cooler. It's hard to be charming and every once in a while go, can you stand up for a second? Hey, how are you, sir? I'm good. You look like you might be a DJ. Yeah, that's the level of my skill. Did you do well in school, sir? So-so? Okay. DJ So-so would be cool. Right? DJ So-so? What is your DJ name? Aaron Mark. Okay, cool. You can switch it up at some point. I know you're kind of influencing me a little bit. Sometimes. Sometimes you'd be like sexting with a woman, right? It'd be like sexting back and forth. And then you finish, right? You know what I'm talking about? You finish and then she keeps sexting you. And suddenly it's so boring. You know what I mean? She'd be like, I want you to put it in me. Like, I could try. Yeah. What do you teach, sir? I don't even know. What's the topic in social studies? Everything. Cool. Well, thank you for being specific and helping me set up this next joke. Do you, um, have any dyslexic kids in your class? Half of them. Holy ****. That seems to be statistically high. I feel like you should call the government. That seems *******... Half are dyslexic? Yeah, but it's hard to teach. Yeah, and it's hard to be dyslexic too, ************. I'm just kidding. Sorry to call you an MF. I'm trying to... Someone only goes out with bad boys and I'm trying to impress her. Are you with your boyfriend? The man that has his arm around you? Yeah. Okay. He seems a little possessive. Um... What? Oh, really? Okay. Cool. I'll check my set list, see if I have any material about that. Yeah, that's a hard no. Um... Happy birthday, sir. You're welcome. No, no one clapped. All right, uh... How long have you guys been together for? The fourth grade teacher. How long have you been with your boyfriend? Eight years, sir. I'm talking to your girlfriend. I'm trying to... Birthday or not, I'm trying to close. Um... You live in New York too? Long Island City? Okay, things will turn around. Um... What do you do? What's your job? Um... Accounting, that's always been a passion of mine. It's boring? Oh, really? I think it's... sexy. What's your boyfriend do? What's his job? What? You don't have a boy... Are you serious? Crazy. That's insane. I have a TV like this at my place. Do you have a girlfriend, sir? Married. Okay, cool. That's beautiful. You seem like a young dude to be married. Okay, cool. Not a chatty guy. Uh... Did you propose in a romantic fashion? That's what I want to do someday. She didn't have a choice. Oh, cool. Way to read the room, by the way. Well, I'm going through a breakup. I suppose I could have just tied her to something the way you did, but uh... She's gone. How about the guy that said that about his wife? What's that? Oh, you thought that was funny? Oh, I got another victim for you over here. How are you? Good, okay. I've noticed you've been staring at me since I came on stage. Is that uh... Where's your boyfriend this evening? Germany. Whoa, long distance. He's German? Okay, very colorful history over there. Um... You guys don't have Netflix, alright. Um... So do you guys talk on the phone all the time? Oh, really? Five minutes? Wow, that's love. Um... Well, as a dyslexic, you remember that I was dyslexic, right? Which is a German word. Okay. You're too confident for this. Alright. Um... So sexting, sexting is a challenge for me. So say if we were dating and I was in Germany, which I would never be that far away from you. Um... That's your girlfriend? Partner. Partner. Oh, Jesus, I didn't realize you were one of those. Alright, well... Sorry about that fluke analogy joke earlier. Um... Partner, are you guys like on the vice squad? Or something like that? Where are you from? Dublin. Dublin? Okay, that's a beautiful accent. And she's from Kentucky? It's a horse reference. Oh, it's a horse? Okay. Cool. I'll probably do all the material. Um... Where did you guys meet, if you don't mind me asking? Guatemala. Guatemala? Okay. Maybe I should have just guessed. I feel like that would have been... I feel like that would have been one of my first guesses. Has he been to Kentucky yet? Oh, it's really great. I mean, I've been waiting my whole life, but... Where are you from? I'm from India. India? Okay, cool. Alright. My ex-girlfriend... This is weird, and I'm obviously gonna say this and you'll realize you're my type, but... My ex-girlfriend was Indian. Yeah. Do you have an Indian-sounding name? I'm really good at pronouncing Indian names. Monica. Okay. I think I nailed that. Do you know about dyslexia? Oh, okay, good. You read about it. Is anyone a teacher? Are there any teachers? Oh, ----. Oh, cool. Right. That's great. Right on. Why are you pumped? What do you teach? Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. That's when the kids didn't need anyone anymore. Uh... What did you teach before you let children down? Kindergarten and first grade. Okay, cool. I'm sure they fared well for themselves. Oh, you know what? This is the part of the set where I take questions. What's your occupation, sir, and are you allowed to sit at work like that? Those are the questions. You sell television ads. Really? Sell air. Okay. You got a ******* amazing voice, too. You have an incredible voice. Are you his wife? Okay, you've authorized this posture? Okay. Yeah, that's how your husband gets invited to a sex party. All right. I'm the only one that goes to sex parties. What's your occupation? Occupational therapist. Okay, cool. That's always been a passion of mine. It's been more of a hobby up until now, but... What is your... What's your boyfriend's job? What's he doing? Risk analyst. Wow, he sounds... Yeah, I don't know either. My ex was younger. A couple years older than you, but still quite young. Where did you meet the risk analyst? I feel like... Where did you meet him? Elementary school. Oh, okay, cool. So you meet younger people, too. Okay, cool. You don't need to add anything when I talk. It's hard to get into the jokes if you have the last word. Yeah, so... Before you say something, look to see if you're on stage. Okay. Sir, you look fit. It's like looking in a mirror. Halfway through the joke, your drink arrived, and I was so distracted, I had no idea they serve protein shakes here. I had no idea. Thank you. What do you do when you're not filling out that T-shirt, you fine fang? What do you do? What's your job? I'm in medical school. Medical school. Are you going to be a doctor? ------- loser. Is this your girlfriend? Okay, we met in medical school, so... Yeah, I don't know if he's your type or not, but... Both going to be DMs. Oh, you're just friends? Okay, wow. Medical school and muscles cannot close. Alright. I got neither. I closed. You two will see. I closed! Are there any teachers here this evening? You're a teacher? What do you teach? Special ed! Heroic! That's a heroic occupation. What's your name? Hailey, nice to meet you. I love you. Your girlfriend is a hero, is a special ed teacher. What do you do? Financial plan? Okay, cool. She kind of went the other direction. So, you're a social worker and teach special ed. What does your boyfriend do? What's his job? Let's have questions work. Social worker can work on socializing a little bit. My ex-girlfriend was... I think she was, like, insecure. You know, some women, they're just, like, confident social workers or whatever, but some... You can tell us now. I know you guys are... I know it's kind of probably hurtful to talk about because I'm sensing you guys are on the rocks, but what... What does your boyfriend do? What's his occupation? Get your stuff. We're going to get out of here. How are you, sir? You look like a slightly younger version of me. It's a huge compliment. You're welcome. Is that your girlfriend? Okay, cool. How do you feel knowing that I'm her type? How does that... She wouldn't be into me, though. I'm older and more sexually experienced. Do you see the resemblance between me and... Right? Okay, cool. You can't grow a beard. Yeah, no, I know. I know there's a lot of things that I can do that you can't do at all. Did you go to college? What did you study? TV. Okay, cool. I'm going to bet my life that there's not a textbook in the world that just says TV on it. If it does, underneath it will say guide. And I don't think... I don't think he studied that. Maybe TV production? Oh, okay, cool. I hope they don't ask that one on the exam because he's got TV finals very soon. Afterwards, he says to his friends, like, what did you get for question two? Commercials. Yes, okay. What about three? Channel changer. ****! How long have you guys been together for? Let's talk about something a little more upbeat. How long? She's my Airbnb host. That's one way to save money. So, how long... So, okay. Wow, cool. That's a nice way to describe someone in that line of business. When people say they met online, people always assume it's like Bumble and Tinder. But they're like, yeah, Airbnb. You from Canada? Really? I thought maybe you were from New Zealand. Oh, I know. Yeah, you do have this shirt on. Okay. I'm dyslexic. Are you dyslexic? Are you really? He just found out his shirt says New Zealand. He thought it said Canada. How old were you when they found out you were dyslexic? Fourteen. Oh, okay. Cool. I was like six. Yeah, it's not a competition. Were you able to go to college? I did, but I dropped out. Oh, okay. All right. Cool. Did you drop out because of your learning disability? More of a drunk thing. All right. Hi, everybody. Can you guys get back together just for the rest of the set? Oh, it seemed like you were breaking up. No. Oh, good. I want to hear the whole thing. What? For me not to be as sexist as the last guy. May I make an observation? Comedy might not be your thing. Everyone has a different take. I mean, I myself, of course, am a feminist. She was insecure. Some people are insecure. Right? Men and women. Men and women can both be insecure. Right now, I'm focusing on bitches. There's so many couples here this evening. This is beautiful. Sir, is that you with your girlfriend? Oh, okay. Have you already been through this? Oh, okay. Well, then I can't figure out where your attitude's coming from. How long have you been together with your girlfriend? On and off for a year. Okay. There's one thing you guys can trust. I got this. Where did you guys meet? I'm trying to meet someone that looks and is you. Where did you guys meet? Work. Okay. I'm not going to get a job. My ex, and I know it's tacky to talk about her in front of you, but you brought your ex to my ******* show. You don't have to clap after each one. That's nice, though. Oh, you're a teacher. Oh, I had no idea that you were a teacher. I should really be doing more background research on the audience. You what? Oh, you love it. That's beautiful. Where do you teach? Connecticut. Connecticut. Okay, cool. I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's not English. Elementary. Fifth grade. Okay, cool. Well, you must be busy with the three things you teach. It's like almost we're obligated to hook up. Is your boyfriend also a teacher? You don't have a boyfriend? Wow, I guess I found out in a sly way.