Phil Hanley Turns Every Crowd Member Into a Comedy Punchline #131)

What's your name? You can just go by Phil if you want to get some p***y But uh... Felipe what's your occupation dude? Engineer What do you build? Syringes I feel like they perfected the syringe Are you updating the syringe? Not those ones Different mystery ones Do you build syringes too sir? No, I build the pumps that the syringes go on Right, okay Crucial Are you in a relationship? You doing a little syringe pumping yourself my dog? Yeah What's your name? Estrus That's the type of name where you should really If you find someone just hang on a minute Estrogen Dude, what... What's the origin of that name? It's from the bible Double check What's your type? Wholesome I've never heard anyone say that before That's uh... You said that and my p***y crawled all the way up in my... How do you tell if they're wholesome? You know what I mean? You're like, should we have sex? And they're like, yes You're like, well I'm no longer interested Well what's an example? She's okay with a coffee date first Okay, so you want her to be wholesome And she wants to be okay with you being frugal Alright, well uh... No, I'm kidding A coffee date's cool, you know Do you want to date somebody? I am When the f*** did that happen? Are they wholesome? Knock on wood That's all that's going to happen to your wood, dude Where did you propose, sir? It was a restaurant Okay, that long pause I think we all really had our hopes up I want you to work on the long pauses In between the questions and the responses You workshop something with your wife And then when you're willing to not Drain all the energy out of the room Okay, wow, let's f***ing take everything back I think if you pulled me over And I gave you those slow ass responses I'd be in a lot of trouble Be careful when you pull people over Because, you know what I mean? You're right by the highway there And I know your reflexes aren't great So please be careful, Mark Do you have dyslexic kids in your class? Absolutely Oh, that's great Oh god, we are flirting, aren't we? What about the short bus? I don't like to talk about the short bus You don't like to talk about it? It is a thing Well, I have a joke about it, so I hope it's a thing But why don't you like to talk about it? You're seen on the short bus It's hard to get p***y Well, we do that to each other But I had to take the short bus You got no p***y Not until we go back to your place Put those pretzels on my tab What's your name? Donna I don't know what you guys call this in Stanford But where I'm from, we call that a done f***ing deal How are you, sir? Good Yeah, okay, cool Are you a tattoo artist, or? No Maybe unemployed? My advisor for people going through probate I was planning on probating tonight until I met Donna As a woman with tattoos, would you be more attracted to a man with tattoos? Yeah I should have wore shorts You know that Where did you meet? At a dog park People parlay the dogs into, you know what I mean? Parlayed into marriage I was going to say oral But no, more, yeah, alright, it's marriage This is about how I lost my virginity And I thought this would be great I'll ask people in the crowd how they lost their virginity And then we'll connect with that And it turns out people do not like to talk about that Sir, do you mind? This scenario, you lost your virginity again? See, no one is profitable Okay, tell me the idea How do you want it to happen? I'm just kidding Is that a bad question? I feel like that's just something we've all... You know what I mean? Sir, would you be comfortable telling us? No? What the ****? Midwest, come on Talk about your wedding night How did you lose your virginity? Where did you go to college? The College of Santa Fe I believe I've heard of that, right? Yeah, I heard about it I remember I remember when I heard about it It was New Year's Eve 2009 Are you his girlfriend? Wife You're his wife, that's beautiful Were you aware? He's a TV editor, right? Brings that up a lot I hired him Wow, you guys really do like reality TV Holy **** It's been defunct I'm one of those people that uses the word defunct It's been... It's been defunct for 10 years You almost went? I almost went, I was between The school I went to, which is Cunipiac Cunipiac? That's another great school It should be defunct Just based on the name Can you imagine printing the first alumni sweatshirt And being like, yeah, this is not going to fly, guys Did you only produce reality shows? No Oh, okay I produced infomercials May I... I'm going to comment on... I'm going to comment on something You guys complement each other with the energy I would describe your husband's energy as narcoleptic Whereas you kind of have a homemade meth vibe You really do She is not going to sleep for a while You're very... I love your energy, it's incredible It's up, it's *******... You know what I mean? It's like I went to ******* Cunipiac I love your energy, it's very joyful Oh, sorry guys We're just going to take a second, we're going to go through the newsletter Sir, I know you normally edit television And I know you're out of work But if you get a chance, maybe you could edit your wife a little bit Did you propose in a romantic fashion? That's what I want to do someday No, you did not? Really? What was the location? It was at In-N-Out No, In-N-Out, I didn't say what happened after you proposed Why did you pick there? It was our anniversary Oh, okay, I should have assumed We had a burger joint, it's going to be our anniversary Alright, yeah Beautiful Where did you guys go on the first date? They went for coffee, they went for pizza Motorcycles and shoot a 45 Just a second, repeat that Motorcycles and shoot a 45 Okay, cool, that's fine, I don't judge Republicans I know, the election was stolen, whatever Wait, whose idea was that? I think I suggested it Yeah, probably, the firearms That is wild Were you the woman, what's your name? Miriam Were you taken back that your date was armed? Well, my motorcycle was stolen and I have a gun Your motorcycle was stolen and you have a gun Okay, cool My demographic is generally Special ed teachers and deadheads But I'll try to make the Comedy show great again I've taken a lot of LSD I've taken more ass than A lot of you here tonight I'm just saying that because I'm not getting a cool vibe from everyone Where do you guys work And try to make it as interesting as Naomi Where do you guys work? Federal prosecutors Federal Federal prosecutors, okay This is the thing about comedy Comedians, like, you just say ---- It's not necessarily, you know what I mean? I said I took LSD because it's the only drug I can spell Truly Did you do it for the state of Oregon? No, the US government US government, okay, cool, I hear good things I feel like that's mean My childhood, parts of it Were miserable and I'm thinking the only thing That would make it worse would be I'm like, the other kids don't Respect me because I can't read And you're like, wait until they see you in a leotard What type of dance? You don't do that anymore? Oh, okay, yeah, it's probably also because it's not a thing I was in special ed There wasn't anyone ******* waltzing between the desks So what do you do now that you're not Torturing kids? In Canada, strippers are fully naked But they don't do that here, right? It's mandatory? Oh, okay, do you think it's karma From what you did to those poor children? Are you in a band? What was the name of the band? ------- kneecapped yourselves out of the gate There's three of you, were there four people in the band? Yeah, you don't talk to the guy that came up with the name What's the fourth guy's name? Let's just call him Bottlecap Boy What's your occupation? I work in the creative space When you said you work in the creative space I should have assumed it meant you played Other people's music Do you have a DJ name? And I won't make fun of it, I swear to God DJ Royale Not bad No ******* BCB, right? Start a band with the three Without him, throw a little ******* DJ Royale We've got a show on February 2nd They ******* have already booked a gig That's amazing Where is it? I'll plug the ---- out of it That's where Coldplay played last time they were here How old were you when you found out you were dyslexic? I was in sixth grade Sixth grade, okay, cool, yeah, let me do the math on that Or did you struggle in math too? Everything Everything, okay, cool, it might be a little more than dyslexia Were you in special ed, sir? Did they put you in special ed? I was in special ed They pulled me out Wait, you were in special ed and they took you out? I was in the regular class Oh, they put you in special ed? Oh, okay, cool That's what I meant by did they put you in special ed It's not a good education, special ed education, is it, sir? I teach it now You teach it, oh You have to laugh What's that? You have to laugh I have to tell jokes, you have to laugh How do you three know each other? Physical therapy school Okay, you're going to be physical therapists? Oh, cool, okay When, ah, ----, let me just see this Kink in my Groin Do you have a girlfriend? I don't put labels on her You don't put labels on her, oh Wow, I liked you a minute ago Labels on her, you dirty dog I feel like people say that when they're, um One of the people you don't put labels on is over here Sir, are you with your girlfriend? Your wife? Fiancee Oh, that's beautiful I see what happens when you put a label on it Love, my friend, open up What did you study? Chemistry Holy sheep ----, chemistry, wow Can you make acid? You probably could, right? Could you? Would you? Is that your girlfriend? Are you a chemist too? Are you? Okay, a lot of male comedians wouldn't assume that Because they're sexist, but I'm, uh Feminist, so If you were to say Possibly want to have, like, a romantic moment Right? Would you say I have My hypothesis Is we should get nasty Would you say that? When you ejaculate, do you go in conclusion? Hi everybody, how Okay, oh Can you guys get back together just for the rest of the set? Oh, it seemed like you were breaking up No Oh good, I want to hear the whole thing, what? For me not to be as sexist as the last guy Okay May I make an observation? Comedy might not be your thing Everyone has a different take I mean, I myself, of course, am a feminist She was insecure, some people are insecure Right? Men and women Men and women can both be insecure Right now, I'm focusing on Bitches Are there any teachers here this evening? You're a teacher, what do you teach? This lady right here, did you say Looks like you're marking some papers over there What's going on? You're trying to add Oh, okay, so that's a no on if you're a teacher Where are you from? India, okay, cool, alright My ex-girlfriend, this is weird, and I'm obviously Gonna say this and you'll realize you're my type, but My My ex-girlfriend was Indian Yeah Do you have an Indian sounding name? I'm really good at pronouncing Indian names Monica, alright I think I nailed that Did you go to college? Oh, that's great, what do you study? Physiology God, you must be smart Is that like physiotherapy? No Oh, okay, cool, wow I like when someone claims to not be smart But then clearly smarter than me, alright What's physiology then? How would you describe it? Like a doctor Like a doctor, okay, cool, maybe we should have said doctor Do you think maybe? A table of nurses Oh, cool, okay, wow, that's how A lot of my favorite movies begin Cornhole Did you know what a physiologist was to nurses? And it isn't being a doctor Oh, it isn't You overrun an apology, man