My Girlfriend's Mom Is Micromanaging Our Relationship

[Music] brought to you by the Every Dollar app. Start budgeting for free today. >> So, me and my girlfriend went online. I I grew up in Michigan. She lived in Tennessee. And when we had initially started dating, you know, I told her, "I'm not just going to cave and move to Tennessee. I don't want you to just cave and go to Michigan. We'll kind of try each state out and, you know, make a decision from there." And she mentioned that her family has about um 40 acres of land in Tennessee. And, you know, I like Tennessee. It's not my favorite place in the world, but you know, it's not a bad spot. And she mentioned that her mom gives everybody, you know, an acre of land when it when the relationship starts to get serious. And, you know, we've been dating just under 2 years now. The problem is recently, you know, her mom has been interjecting herself in our relationship, you know, trying to make decisions for us, you know, kind of going behind my back and essentially kind of trying to convince my girlfriend, not necessarily to dump me, but questioning every decision I make. And you know, it's kind of gotten to the point where, you know, she's budding in our finances and she's kind of weaponizing that and saying, "Hey, I'm not going to give you this acre of land. I don't, you know, I don't like the way you do this or the way you do that." And when me and my girlfriend talked about it recently, I just kind of said, you know, ultimately, if that's how it's going to be, I don't know if we want it. like I don't like you know starting such a major decision especially when we're building a house or buying a house somewhere under an ultimatum given how >> old are you? >> So I'm about 25 years old. I just turned 25 and my girlfriend >> What do you do for a living? >> I'm a DevOps engineer. >> And how much do you make? >> I make about six figures and my girlfriend makes about 60 grand a year. So, um, what have you done that made this lady dislike you or think that you're not good for her daughter? >> So, when I moved here initially, so I work from home, right? And that's the only reason I was able to move freely. The problem is where we live in Tennessee, our local tech store is about an hour away. So, her big thing is I buy stuff on Amazon a lot. You know, like it'll be a cable for my computer. It'll be things for my desk or even a lot of stuff. >> Wait, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. >> Very few women would keep their daughter from marrying a young man that they like dearly because he buys stuff on Amazon. I ask what you did that caused this woman to think that you're not good enough for her daughter. And buying stuff on Amazon is not the answer, dude. Really, what's the real answer? In her mind, she sees the purchases and thinks that I make irresponsible financial decisions. I mean, I'm not I'm not even making that part up. In her mind, she sees the purchases. You know, I've told her I make good money. I've told her, you know, I I balance my finances. And I told her, you know, since me and my girlfriend have started dating, we've been planning for this house and to for the build and we've been kind of making sure our credit looks good so we can get a mortgage or a construction loan. I mean, >> planning to build on her land. the land that she's going to give them, the one acre that she's going to give. >> Yeah. >> Okay. So, well, there's a couple things here. Number one, you should never buy a house or build a house ever with someone that you're not married to. >> So, your plan, your plan that you've been doing sucks. >> Okay? So, you need a new plan. It's like, I'm going to make you my wife and then we're going to talk about building a house. Not we're going to talk about building a house and then I'll make you my wife. Now, that isn't what you've been saying. You've been saying the words coming out of your mouth were shack up, shack up, shack up, shack up, shack up. >> She's meddling with our finances. >> And she's You don't We don't have an our finances. There's not one cuz you're not married. There's are your finances and her finances. >> Well, yes. I I understand what you're saying, but the end goal like when we envision the house, obviously we were talking about marriage. We've already kind of envisioned that, you know, we've had that conversation that, you know, end of next year. That was kind of my goal was to propose and after we, >> you know, >> if you are going to get married and then build a house, it's real simple. >> It's real simple. >> Just build it somewhere else. >> One acre of land in in the area you're talking about in the middle of nowhere, Tennessee is not that big a deal. Whoopty-d thank you for the gift, but we'll pass. We think we think we think we're going to be better able to love you from a distance. >> That's true love. Thanks a heart. >> You know, I I I understand that that that's where my head's at, you know. >> Oh, that's the only thing you can do. Listen, either this lady has identified a character flaw in you that you're unwilling to discuss or are so are so lacking in self-awareness that you know is there and she thinks you need to be run off because you're not good for her daughter or this lady's a nut job. >> Okay. >> No, I mean I'm serious. Amazon packages on your d on your front porch are not enough reason to run off the >> boyfriend potential fiance son-in-law. That's not enough reason. >> Yeah, >> it's just not. So if that if if that is truly it, Jacob, and I really have trouble believing that there's actually a human out there that's stupid, but there might be if there and you're you're proclaiming that. So I but I having walked through the marriage process with three children who have now been married for over 10 years and before they got to those winners, we ran off a few losers. Uh I might have been accused of being your mother-in-law at some point, but it wasn't because Amazon packages. It was because of character flaw or because of, you know, well, I mean, lack of work ethic, that's a character flaw, right? Dishonesty, that's a character flaw, right? Yeah. Now, these are these are people you don't want to marry and don't want your kids marrying. So, if you're not something that is if you are a young gentleman, a knight of honor that is worthy of the fair maiden's hand, then this woman's a nut job. And you do not want to be living in her backyard on money on on an acre she gave you. There is no circumstance in which that's going to turn out well, ever. So, you have to declare this to be one way or the other. We have to figure out what is really going on with this woman and solve for quality relationship or we have to distance oursel and it doesn't sound to me like you guys need to be in a backyard >> and you're the boyfriend and so you don't need to be doing any of this cuz between the mom and the daughter if there's boundary issues that's up to the daughter to decide. >> Yeah. >> So I would have her do that. If she's not if she's not defending you and she's just letting you you know roll over and take it this relationship is not going to pan out. They've just talked about how being misaligned with in-laws is a big reason that marriages don't succeed. And so we're already seeing a huge red flag here. >> I 100% recommend parents interfere in their grown children's lives if there is a loser involved and run them off. I 100% recommend that because you love them and you have more wisdom than they do and you're not all hot and bothered about them. So you're actually seeing them clearly. And so I 100% recommend that. But if there are if they're functional, and this is a good one, not a perfect one, but a good one. Let's let's encourage the union. He's a smart guy done in proper order and then try to speak persuasion >> over the finances. If there's something to be persuaded there, if that's >> if truly the only thing wrong with Jacob is he buys too much stuff on Amazon or more stuff than she's accustomed to seeing on Amazon, that's a pretty simple thing to process through. if someone involved has the relational IQ to do it. But guys, um J Jacob, she is not violating the boundaries of you guys of the couple's finances cuz the couple doesn't have finances. Her daughter has finances and you have finances. And so if she says something about her daughter's finances, she's perfectly capable of doing that. and her daughter, depending on her age and maturity level, was perfectly capable of setting a boundary with her own mother. And she obviously doesn't get a vote in your finances. But it's when you start talking about this stuff as if you're married and you're not that that my red flags go up. And if I'm mom, I'm running you off because you have a bunch of this crap out of order. And I think that might be what's going on here. But like, you know, Jacob wants to build a house on my land and not be married to my daughter. Yeah, I don't think I'm going to go along with that. Mom says, >> "We need mom to call in. We got to hear her side of the story here." >> Yeah. So, that could be what it is, Jacob. But it could be that she's just nutty in a fruit cake and you don't need fruit cake near you. And so, you just get away from the fruit cake. Just a little distance. Little distance. >> It's a principle I live by. >> Distance makes the heart grow fonder. You know, it's like it takes about a year of marriage to know how close to your mother-in-law to live. >> Yeah. She watch a house in the first year of marriage. >> How does she know he's buying all this stuff on Amazon? She's a little too close for comfort. >> My mother-in-law doesn't know what's showing up at the house. That's all I'm saying. >> I don't know what's showing up at your house either, George. So, it would scare me probably. I would probably question you. >> It's a lot. Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your