Why I Call My Boyfriend Mom ｜ Olivia Carter ｜ Stand-Up Comedy)

Hello, what is going on? Okay. I'm happy to be here. I have a boyfriend. Thank you. It's very cool, but we're still learning each other. He really wanted me to call him daddy in bed and I got really shy when I said it and it sounded like I thought he actually was. You know, I was like, daddy? And then my friend was like, he just wants to feel like he's in charge. So the next time I was like, mom. Yeah, I was bad at being single. I was always too like myself on dates, you know? Like I went out with one guy and he showed up wearing red jeans. So I said, oh, are you on your period? And then he got mad and he left. So yeah, he was. And then like the worst date I ever went on, it was a bowling date. Those are so bad, right? Those are terrible. I feel like I bowl the same way I suck dick, you know? Once a year on my birthday. No, I'm just kidding. But bowling dates are bad, I think, because you're doing an activity and you're drinking and you don't like realize how drunk you're getting because the guy I went out with got wasted and he was like, I haven't had sex in nine months. And I was like, oh, were you pregnant? Why? And he was like, no, my grandma died. And I was like, oh, you guys. Sound like you were really close? And then he was like, when's the last time you had sex? And I was like, honestly, last night. My grandma's still alive. Yeah, I like being in a relationship. I'm still like training him to be with me. You know what I mean? Like, he would talk about the way other women look to me. You know what I'm saying? When guys do that. And I had to tell him like, the only time you can talk about another woman's appearance with me is if there's like an open casket. You know, you can say one time she was beautiful. And I'm gonna be like, she got her makeup done. And she hasn't eaten in days. I wouldn't say I'm like insecure. Well, maybe I am, I don't know. On the 4th of July, he got a text from his ex saying that she missed him. On the 4th of July, I was like, does she need citizenship? What the hell? And then I was like, which one is it? And he was like, oh, the poet. That's how he talks about them. He's like, the poet, the musician, the actress, the comedian. He's attracted to women who need health insurance. And I don't think I'm insecure, but I do like wish I had bigger breasts. I do like bigger tits, you know? I wanna have big enough tits to be able to say things like, really, he's always been nice to me. You know what I mean? And I have noticed this about men, and I hate to generalize, I'm so sorry. But ladies, have you noticed they're really bad at responding to dirty pictures? Have you noticed that? Has anyone noticed that? You guys are nodding. I want the camera to know they're nodding. So I think that they overthink it, you know, and they never say what you want. They'll be like, you look beautiful. And you're like, my legs are behind my head, you know? Or they'll like add something they don't need to, like keep an eye on that mole. You know, and I didn't like relate to this. The guy I'm seeing has like texi anxiety, and he like wouldn't respond for a while, and I didn't get it at all, until one day he sent me a video of him playing piano. And I was like, yeah, what the **** do I say to this? I feel how guys feel when they get a nude. I was like, I admire your confidence, but I can find this on the internet for way better. He was like, don't show anyone. I was like, don't worry. You look gay. Yeah, but he's cool. The last guy I was seeing, he was really close to his ex, cause they were still dating. And you know what's crazy? While him and I were dating, he had a baby. Yeah, isn't that nuts? And our whole relationship, I was like, God, he's so MIA, he's such a bad boyfriend. Turns out, just a really good dad. Just missed out on a good man. No, I'm mentally ill. I've been going to therapy. Did you know you can lie in there? You can do whatever you want. There are no rules. She's like, what do you want to talk about today? And I'm like, my engagement, ha ha. She's so stupid. And I'm in online therapy. Clap if you're in online therapy. The women, yes. I will say, I'm pretty sure those are the duds, right? I'm pretty sure mine is just a lady with access to the internet. She wanted me to spend a week identifying my anxiety triggers, and then she canceled on me four weeks in a row. And I was like, cool, I'm glad one of them is an abandonment. And then she canceled on me this last time because I guess her daughter had a seizure. And I was like, okay, those take like 30 seconds. I'm gonna shake it off, kid. That's fun. You guys are fun. This is the best set of my life. Yeah, I don't know what to do. I started going to therapy because, I can't really talk to my mom about stuff. One time I called my mom crying, and I was like, Mom, I think I'm gonna have to take a mental health day. And she was like, no, don't give up. Because I think she thinks a mental health day is when you take time off to kill yourself. And I was like, if anything, I'm gonna do that in office. I'm not taking PTL for that. And I have this job. I work, I'm an assistant. It is my dream. I hope to one day open my own assisting company. But no, it sucks ass. And I was looking at their bereavement policy, and they have one that says if a parent dies, you get like two weeks off. And I was like, that's nice, I guess. I mean, I hope that doesn't happen, obviously, like a long, long time from now, in the summer. And can you bank them? Can you be like, she died in January, but her birthday is Coachella. And she'd want me to go. Yeah, my mom tries. We're just like from the Midwest. And in the Midwest, they don't really have the dialogue for mental health problems, you know? They're just kind of like, she's creative. You know, she's spunky. They don't know what to do with you. And my mom, she tried to send me this coping skill. Who has anxiety? Clap if you have anxiety. Oh, you raised your hand. That's an anxious bitch right there. I don't wanna make noise. Yeah, anxiety, there's no real solution, you know? I think we just die that way. Sorry for that, maybe I'm just being a little too and it makes you anxious. But isn't it so embarrassing to try to cope with your anxiety? There's like one coping skill that says, if you're feeling anxious, you're supposed to close your eyes and imagine a tree. And then all the leaves on the tree are all your anxious thoughts. But that's like the scariest ******* tree, you know? Like, I don't wanna see a leaf that says, remember that one time in sex ed you pronounced it Filipino tubes, you know? Or like, remember that other time you tried to kill yourself with a bottle of probiotics? And instead of dying, you just took the best ---- out of your life? And then you're supposed to imagine them falling and blowing away, okay? But I just picture a guy picking up one of my leaves and going, I played an Asian woman in my high school play? And my brother still lives at home. He got engaged. And I don't really like his fiance. I talk about it a lot publicly. She hasn't worked in like two years because she's trying to write a children's book. And you know, that can't take more than an hour. Is she stupid? What's wrong with her? And I know she doesn't like me either because she's always like, God, you're so thin. And I'm like, so are children's books. And I'm trying to figure out how I'm gonna ruin their wedding. And I've decided I'm gonna lose a concerning amount of weight. Like a conversation sort of amount of weight. And I'm gonna roll up there like, I'm on a hunger strike. And to the children of America, get a new book. Yeah. But you know, it might work out because my brother's kind of dumb too. This is real. What I'm about to tell you, one time he called me and he was like, Olivia, are you into that like incest thing? And I said, what are you talking about? And he was like, you know, incest, that thing with like the sticks that you burn and it smells good. And I was like, Andrew, I have no idea what that is. You should probably ask a lot more people about it. Ask mom and dad. Okay, bye, thank you.