Grandma's Dating Advice _ Natasha Collier _ Stand Up Comedy

I like coming to the west side. You guys are so much hotter. I live in East Hollywood. It's fuckin' wall-to-wall uggos over there, and I don't perform for them, so it's good to be here. It is hard to keep your self-esteem up, you know, but I started going jogging. It's not doing anything. I was running on the street the other day, and this guy, he popped out from behind a thing and he go, ahh. And then he stopped and he looked at me and was like, wow girl, I wish I could buy a calendar with you is every month. And then he just ran away. And here's what I've learned living in L.A. It's that homeless guys are so much better at compliments than guys with houses. You guys ever get a compliment from a house fella? Ugh. Okay, listen to me. If a guy's got a house, he's just trying to get you back to it, but the unhoused are just doing it for the love of the game, okay? It's not your work chopping material. I was impressed. I was like, what do you need a calendar for, man? Where are you gonna be next month? Over there? It's great. My self-esteem has never been higher. Every day since that Tuesday I've just been looking in the mirror, I'm just like, yep, that's February. That wet man knew what he was talking about. Some people say happiness comes from within. I say it comes from behind the port-a-potty on Hollywood and Western. I'm single. I'm in these streets, you know? It's tough. I've been getting a lot of dating advice from my single friends. That's not where you want to be. You know, it's a real blind leading the blind situation. You know, like maybe you should start playing hard to get, which is difficult when you're very easy to get. It is tough, man. You ever get advice from your friends who are in therapy and you're like, this isn't working at all? I had a friend who told me this recently. She was like, you know, you only want what you don't have. And I was like, yeah. That's actually how wanting works. I was like, what am I missing here? If I had it, then I would just be called having, and then I wouldn't want anymore. It's no fun. Sometimes I envy how like the older generation had it with dating, you know, like back then they just call each other on the telephone. I don't know how you used to do it, but like my grandma met my grandpa the old fashioned way by being his secretary, and that's fun, okay? That's good. Back in the day, a lady just had to suck dick and type, you know, like they don't make it like that anymore. Now I got to bring it with my personality, be proficient in Excel, that's a nightmare. Who wants that? I'm on apps, you know, I'm on all the apps. I got Tinder, Hinge, Chase Mobile Banking, Settings, all the hits, you know, like I've been dating a lot more bald guys. There's no easy way to say that, it's just, I don't know, it's not even a type, it's just who's taking the bait nowadays. I'm very popular in the unhaired community, but it is what it is, you know, I like them slick, you know, just like a man I can really palm. I swear to God, I was scrolling through my most recent Tinder matches, it just looked like one of those bingo ball cages. I was telling my friend about this new phenomenon, that I was getting into bald guys, or they're getting into me, you know, however you want to put it, and she was like, oh, was your dad bald? And I was like, what are you doing right now? I thought we were friends, we were having fun. You always have to be like, no, it doesn't matter if it's true, you're like, no, they're way more aerodynamic, I find, and I'll tell you my favorite part, is when they're going down on you, you can check your makeup at the same time, it's pretty cool, if you look real close, sometimes you can tell the future, it's very exciting, you're just like, Dodgers ruined the World Series, and you go, bleh, ask again later. I'm living in L.A., I'm doing all the L.A. things. I'm getting laser hair removal, how about that? Yeah, I'm on my way to being fully hypoallergenic, it's great, man. Now, every five weeks, here's what I do, is I drive to Glendale, and I pay a woman to shoot lasers at my butthole, and I know, she's a true woman in STEM, it's fantastic. Imagine a first-person shooter video game, but the zombies are my pupes, so, pretty exciting. The place I go to, it's called Sev, I highly recommend it, I'll tell you what happened to me, the first time I walked in, is I saw on the wall, there's their tagline, and their tagline is, this is true, it's by the grace of God, I know, and I asked the smooth lady at reception, I go, what's up with that? She goes, oh, we're a Christian faith-based organization, and I was like, I don't have a problem with any of that, but what I do find, I just find it unbelievable that God endorsed this business, like you mean to tell me God is up there looking at a bunch of women with armpit hair, being like, this is not in my image, this is, make it shinier. They were trying to sell me on their packages, I don't know if you know this, but Laser Hair Removal Ladies, they're like the used car salesmen of the beauty world, so they are very convincing, here's what they told me to get me to buy it, they were like, we're the chosen company for the Kardashians, and I was like, yeah, that's it, sign me up, okay, have you seen, there's not a pubic hair in that family, I was like, I'll have what they're having, and then I bought it, and I went home, and I looked it up, and it turns out, it's just Khloe, so I guess that's why it was such a good deal, you know, it's fun, I like laser hair removal, it hurts so much, there are a lot of rules you gotta follow, the first rule is for two weeks, no sun exposure, and I was like, yeah, I mean, that was easy enough, I was like, my pussy's never seen the sun, and then I thought about it for a second, and I was like, my pussy's never seen the sun, and she's just, she's been locked away her whole life, never to touch the light of day, like a deep sea fish, that's no way to treat my girl, and the second rule is for 24 hours, no hot tubs, saunas, or exercise, and the first time I went there, I wanted to be thorough, and I was like, how long should I wait to have sex, and she was like, I think that would just fall under exercise, and I was like, not the way I do it, okay, yeah, put her here, don't lift a finger, you hear me, we're still ladies, I love it, I'm living my childhood dream doing this, okay, because here's the thing, I grew up, as a little girl, I loved Barbies, and I, remember Barbies, that was dope ----, okay, think about Barbies, she could be anything, she could be president, she could be an astronaut, she could be Puerto Rican, she could, but out of the thousands of things that Barbie was, never once was she rockin' bush, so, she was still a lady, I had to recently, I went to the gynecologist to show off the new digs, you know, and it was that time of year to get my vagina appraised, and my last gynecologist, she retired, she hung up the speculum, and left, so, I had to get a new gynecologist for the first time, and I was making the appointment on the phone, and the lady on the other end, she asked me, she goes, do you prefer a male or a female doctor, and I was like, I'm easygoing, so I was like, either one's fine, okay, whichever is available sooner, and it turns out, that is how you get a male gynecologist, yeah, no one picks man, okay, male gynecologists, they're like free agent quarterbacks, okay, they're all just waiting by the phone to get called into the game, finally mine picks up, he's like, hello, they're like, you're in, he's like, **** yeah, punches him in the ear, they were like, you got Steve, his schedule was wide open, you guys, they were like, you can come in now, if you want, he's not doing anything, I love my male gynecologist, okay, it's 2025, I think men can be doctors too, I think that's fine, male gynos, they have a reputation for being creeps, but like, I never, I don't, I never saw it that way, like, I see a man who followed his passion in life, okay, all men say they love pussy, but only a brave few are willing to go into student loan debt for it, it's like the definition of put your money where your mouth is, you understand, so I was at the doctor, and a big day comes, so I'm sitting on the paper, and he comes in, he's very nice, very professional, he's got the Wikipedia page for vagina pulled up on his phone, before we begin, he does something interesting, and some of you already know this, but whenever there's a female patient and a male doctor, what they have to do is they have to invite a female nurse into the room to hang out in the corner and text, it's pretty cool, she's just there as backup, I think, you know, just in case the boy doctor goes rogue, me and her can take him down, it's a pretty good system, and so you know, you get there, you get in the stirrups, which are my favorite part of the gynecologist, and then when you're in the stirrups, you're naked from the waist down, and they give you this big white sheet to put over your legs, and then when he's ready to examine you, he just lifts up the sheet a little bit, like he's gonna tell it a secret, and then he just gets in there, tops off my coolant, sends me on my way, started doing mental health more, me, I'm doing mental health, that's fun, I got a therapist, I got a real deal therapist too, none of that better help bullshit, okay, I don't trust no doctor with a promo code, you understand, I don't trust it, okay, I considered better help, and then I realized, I was like, if you're a therapist, and you're on better help, that wasn't your plan A, B, or C, okay, I don't wanna go to my computer every day, and open my laptop, and come face to face with someone who's also at the end of their rope, all right, that's not helping anybody, it's true, it's like McDonald's of therapy, I, there are a lot of ways you can do mental health, you know, you can get, you can do, you can do therapy, you can burden your loved ones, you can, you can get an emotional support dog, that's my favorite way, if you don't know, if you have depression or anxiety, what they'll do is they prescribe you a dog, and then you take it, and you're just like, all right, now this is your problem too, it's pretty cool, dog doesn't need to go to school or anything, either, I looked this up, you just print it out a thing online, that's great, all right, the dog's a service dog, the same way I'm a priest, you understand, it's ******* dope, I had a friend who got an emotional support dog, I know this is true, she, she got it, and then it ran away, it's at will employment you guys, listen, I was like, I'm not a doctor, but I feel like if your emotional support dog runs away, that's a check engine light, you know, when the dog you hired to support your emotions, spends one month with you, and is like, **** this, I choose the streets, just quits on the spot like a disgruntled line cook, it's fucked up, I'll tell you what's more fucked up, is the dog in question, this is also true, it was a chihuahua, so, using the term dog pretty loosely here, no, I love all dogs, I just feel like if you get an emotional support chihuahua, I'm like, are you even trying to get better, I was like, have you met chihuahuas, they're barely holding on to their own emotions, every time I see one on the street, I'm just like, look what we've done to wolves, like they have enough on their plate as a species, they gotta worry about hypothermia, large birds, like you think, they give a ---- about your parents' divorce, like if you're trying to find a human to help you through a hard time, you're not gonna be like, okay, who do I know who's always shivering, alright, that's been it for me, you guys, thank you so much.