Sandra Battaglini_ Take It Ease _ Full Stand Up Comedy Special (2025)

Oh my god, this is so beautiful. Thank you so much for coming. What a night. Oh my god. Wow. Okay. This guy, I love this guy. He's just tapping his arm. You're the mafia. Hey everybody, take it easy. Look at this guy. Right over here. Securing the front row. You know what I mean? So, guys, lots has happened this last little while. Am I right? Maple Leaf came out with a new hamburger. Big news, you know? 50% meat, 50% plant-based. I'm like, it's ******* disgusting. That's like saying 50% dick, 50% dick pump. You know what I mean? I want either all dick or all pump, okay? I'm a purist, you know what I'm saying? And you guys are probably like, why do I know so much about dick pumps? My Uncle Gino, my Uncle Gino had a dick pump, okay? Zio Gino, to be exact. And we go to weddings and everybody, he'd show up and people would be like, Hey Gino, you gonna pump up your dick for us? And I'm like, is this the kind of family we are? Anyways, we buried Gino, dick pump and all. R.I.P. Okay? Oh my God, yes. McDonald's, they had an ad, Canadian chickens on Canadian farms. And I'm like, what do they have, passports? Right? And if they have a passport, they better have a vaccine passport, okay? Because if we got to walk around with this ----, so do they. I don't care that you've been alive just a month. When I show up at Swiss Chalet and the chicken comes, I want to see your immunization score. Know what I mean? This guy, this guy's the best. This is fantastic. This is how we do it. Okay. I was at a show and this comic went on stage and she said she'd had sex with a flat earther. And she's like, do you think I'm gonna **** that guy again? No ******* way. We're so superficial as a people, you know? But then it made me think, I'm like, was the opposite true? You know, 500 years ago after Columbus discovered America, right? He's back in Europe, ******* bitches, you know? And he's like, hey baby, I discovered the earth is round. And she's like, get the **** off me, you sick ****. And then she's with her friends and she's like, you wouldn't believe the ******* loser I fucked last night. He said the earth is round. You think I'm gonna **** that guy again? No ******* way. Right? You see how long it takes to change an opinion? 500 years, right? Long time. My dad just turned 90, guys. He's over there. Oh, so God bless. And these are his revenge years, you know what I mean? Like, he's been trying to sue the bank of Nova Scotia for a decade. Okay? And he gets me to write the letters. I have to write the letters. And the last time I'm like, daddy, I'm not doing this anymore. And he's like, Sandra, if you don't do this for me, I'm gonna suspend you. And I'm like, what are you, the principal? Right? We actually were at bank of Nova Scotia. And we're waiting in line. And all of a sudden, he lets out this big fart. Like... He would never do this before times. Right? And I was like, daddy, what do you think? And it's stuck. And the woman behind him moves. And he's like, I'm sorry, I got lots of gas. Right? Okay? You know, you're like, hey, I can't move. So I'm just gonna lay it out here. You know what I mean? And I'm like, daddy, this is your revenge. You know what I mean? You didn't get compensation. But you got to drop a stink bomb in the bank of Nova Scotia. You know what I mean? He's in a breather. He cuts words off. You know how he refers to COVID-19? Just 19. He's like, Sandra, this 19 is very serious. Like, do you mean the country? Syria? Right? The civil war, Syria? Because for sure, we're in the middle of a civil war. Right, guys? Woo! We're cooking with gas. Right, guys? Holy ----. And, you know, every time he starts a story, he always starts in the second World War or the second world, you know? And then he ends up in the 1980s with Ronald Oregano. Isn't that the best? Ronald Oregano. Oh, my god. And what do you get when you add some Ronald Oregano to sauce? AIDS. You get AIDS. Too soon? Huh? Last pando? Te queres? Okay. Oh, you made one! Love it. So my mom had a surgery, and I was sleeping over, and my dad has this habit of falling asleep on the toilet. Right? It's the best. So anyways, I'm sleeping. I get up. I can see his light is on in his bathroom. So I go to the bathroom. I'm like, Daddy, get up. You're sleeping on the toilet. And he's like, I just got here. Right? Okay, right. I'm like, go back to bed. So then I go back to my room, and I hear no movement. So I get up. I go back in the room. He's still there, you know, up against the bathroom cabinet. I'm like, Daddy, get up. You're sleeping on the toilet. He's like, who said? I'm like, go back to bed. So then I go back to my room. Still no movement. I go back. He's still there. And I'm like, Daddy, get up. And I'm like, you're sleeping on the toilet. He's like, what do you want me to do? Swear in court? Like, he's doing jokes at 2 AM. You know what I mean? It's classic. So I was over at my parents. It was lunchtime. I had just gotten my hair cut. And my dad said to me, he's like, Sandra, what did you do to your hair? And I'm like, I got it cut, Daddy. And he's like, who did it? A shoemaker? Can you believe the nerve of this ******* guy? I'm like, yeah, Daddy, a shoemaker. You know? I was wondering, who are the top five shoemakers in Toronto who want to have at it? You know what I mean? How do you build confidence with an Italian father? Impossible. You know? My whole life, my dad's been like, I came into this country. I sacrificed everything for you guys. I feel like a ----. You're going to feel like a ----, too. Right? You guys are amazing. Honest to God. Having the best time. Oh, we're so lucky. And then we were talking about the story about the founding of Rome. You know that mythical story about how that she-wolf raises those twin brothers, Romulus and Remus, and then Romulus murders Remus and founds Rome? So my dad's like, what an incredible story. Unbelievable. You know? And he's like, you know what I believe? I believe a geez. Jesus. I believe a geez to send that wolf to raise those two brothers. I'm like, Daddy, geez wasn't even born yet. He's like, oh, OK. Maybe his father. Right? And I'm like, who's his father? And he says, Salvatore. Wouldn't that be a better God to talk to? Imagine God is this Italian guy sitting on his Chesterfield, you know, peeling pistachios, giving out life advice. You know? And you're like, listen, Sal, my family's making me nuts. I want to murder them all. And he's like, tell me about it. He's like, don't worry about it. Chill out. Watch some Netflix. Do some masturbage. Be OK. Right? Wow. I'm a-breathing like it's nobody's business. Oh, my God. I'm having such a time. Wow. So my mom had knee surgery. OK? Right? Every Italian, eventually, the knees go. I don't know what it is. It's an epidemic. OK? And if one Italian finds out that another Italian had their knee replaced, they're like, you know what? I'm going to do two at the same time. **** them already. Right? Like, Italians compete in knee replacements. Do you know how insane that is? So anyways, my mom's recovering in the hospital. And I'm visiting her. And the first couple of days, you know, she can't get out of bed. And she's really itchy. And then she's like, you know what, son? My ass is itchy. And I'm like, OK. She's like, can you get the cream and moisturize it? All right. Right? So there I am, moisturizing. And she's like, you know what? This is payback. Right? For when I was a baby. I'm like, I think this is, they're two different asses. OK? Mine was a baby's ass. Yours is like a big Italian mama booty. You know what I mean? It was like I was cleaning the countertop. You know what I mean? Oh, you guys are amazing. This is a dream come true. With so many beautiful people. My mom doesn't abbreviate so much as she cuts words off. Right? So we're talking about my friend Daniella, who was pregnant. And I'm like, oh my god, I wonder if Daniella had her baby. And she's like, oh my god, I had a dream that Daniella had a baby that had a klepto lip. And my sister's like, ma, don't you mean a cleft palate? Because that's different, the klepto lip. Right? Nobody's fundraising for this kid. You know what I mean? And think about the family. They can't take that kid shopping because he's going to steal everything with his mouth. Right? You're at the shopper's drug mart trying to get the best advice on eye shadow. And you check on your kid, and he's got a mouthful of eyeliners. And you say to the beauty advisor, you're like, ma'am, I'm sorry, my kid's a klepto lip. I've been searching the world for somebody to help this kid, but nobody wants to take this cause on. Between you and me, don't you think diabetes has enough money? Somebody help my klepto lip kid. I'm going ******* crazy over here. You know? Holy ----. And then, so now we bought my mom an iPad. Oh my god. She narrates the internet to us. Right? And she's on Facebook. She's like, oh, what's this ******* bitch doing now? Anyway, she goes, oh look, there's a sale at Bed Bath & Beautiful. I'm like, oh really? What is that? The bathroom soap opera? Where they've been trying to figure out who ---- in the toilet sink for 20 years? Right? Oh my god. I hope we're having pasta tomorrow. Thank god. You know what I mean? It was sauce. Oh god. So I was in Woodbridge, right? Cause where the **** else do I go? You know what I mean? And I had just pulled into the metro at Islington and Rutherford. Anybody in the house? And I stopped my car because there was a lady with a disability passing by. Right? So I stopped and then all of a sudden this guy in a BMW SUV starts honking his horn. And he yells, move! And I'm like, I can't. And then he tries to pass me and I'm like, oh no you don't. So I moved my father's Ford Crown Victoria to the left. Right? Cause I'm tough in the hood. You know? Anyways, this woman safely passes. And then he just like speeds away and I'm like, you asshole! You know? So then I pull up the car in front of the store. My sister has to just run in to get some lactose free cheese. Cause we're lactose intolerant as a family. What are you gonna do? And then I could see this guy approaching my car so I lowered all the windows. Cause I was ready. Okay? So he comes up to the car and he's like, who you calling an asshole? I'm like, you. I'm calling you an asshole. And he's like, you can't just stop in the middle of the parking lot. I'm like, the woman had a disability. He's like, whatever. He goes, learn how to drive. And my mother yells out, you're a piece of ----. Right? Yeah, you're a piece of ----. And then he turns around and his fists are clenched this time. He's like, who you calling a piece of ----? I'm like, do we have to go through this again? You. We're calling you a piece of ----. Right? And then he's like, who taught you to talk like that? And then I took one look at my mother. I'm like, who do you think? Right? And then me and my mom high-fived like Thelma and Louise. Right? And then he's like, whatever. He goes, why don't you go back to Woodbridge, you wop? And I'm like, we're in Woodbridge, you moron. Okay? There's so much brickwork and cement everywhere. You know what I mean? When my people see an open piece of land, they get nervous. They're like, covered with cement. You know what I mean? Cover them up. You know? So my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. Yeah. And I know what it is that year. There was a lot of family fights. I don't know if my parents were like, holy ----. I don't know. How did I not murder you yet? You know what I mean? Right? So I was going up to visit them. And I got to prepare myself. You know? I got to meditate. I got to listen to jazz FM. Like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Right? Just to chill out. But it doesn't matter. Because the minute I hit Highway 7, I just want to fight. You know? Like, my people piss me off. These guys in their 4x4s. You know what I mean? And these cars that have, like, those stickers that say princess on board. Oh, yeah? Where's this princess going in a Chevrolet Equinox? You know what I mean? Right? So anyways, I pull into my parents' driveway. I get out of the car. And just before I go inside, I can hear them yelling from outside. And I'm like, what the **** is going on today? Right? And instead of going in as a peacekeeper, I lose my ----. And I'm like, I'm so sick of this ******* family. Right? And my mom is calling out to the Virgin Mary. Madonna! And my father is pacing like as if he didn't start the fight. You know what I mean? Right? And out of the corner of my eye, I see this statue of a mother and a child. And I had this fantasy. I'm like, if I throw it, it'll break in a million pieces. And it'll be so good. You know what I mean? So dramatic. So then I did. I grabbed the statue. I threw it. And it just broke in two. OK? At the neck. OK? I decapitated the baby. Right? Like an abortion. You know what I mean? Isn't that the best to breathe? Right? Because it is an abbreviated pregnancy after all. All right. Love it. So then it was my mom's birthday. And we were, you know. I know. It's always a celebration. You know? So it's my mom's birthday. And we're making Caesar salad. And we want to be authentic. So they send me to Longo's to get bacon. Right? But then we douse it with Rene's Caesar salad dressing. I mean, you can't be everything to everybody. You know what I mean? So anyways, I was like, this is going to be quick. I go to Longo's. Grab the bacon. I go to the express line. And there's this Woodbridge Italian princess unloading her very full cart onto the conveyor. Right? And everybody's pissed. And the cashier is tense. And she mouths, I'm sorry, to me. And I was like, **** this, man. I got to say something. This is terrible. So I said to the woman, I'm like, excuse me, ma'am. This is the express line. Like one to eight items. And she's like, I have children. And I'm like, what does that have to do with anything? You know? And she's like, you know what? Why don't you mind your own business? And then I said to her, you're an asshole. Right? Right in front of her children. Right? Because they needed to hear that that day. You know what I mean? Because all their short lives, they're like, I think my mom's a good mom. You know? Right? But then I show up, drop the truth. And they're like, oh man, I always knew something was up with this bitch. I always knew this bitch was an asshole. Right? I was running an errand in my neighborhood. And I run into a woman that I know. Right? So I was like, how's it going? And she's like, oh, pretty good. Went to the chiropractor today. Feeling loose. I'm like, that's nice. And then she's like, Catherine came over. You know these people who think you know everybody in their ******* family? You meet them one time. And she's like, Catherine came over and then we had dinner in the park. I'm like, oh, that's nice. And then she doesn't ask me anything about me. So I'm like, you know what? Have a nice day. It was nice seeing you. And as I leave, she runs after me. She's like, oh my god, I meant to tell you. Catherine knew the woman who used to live in your house. And she said it was haunted. And I'm like, seriously? You don't ask me how I am, but you drop this bomb on a Thursday? You know? Like, what am I supposed to do? Go home now? I had a bag full of cheese. It was the hottest day in the summer. Right? I was freaked out. Finally, I get home. And when I get inside, I'm like, hello? Anybody home? And then that night, I'm watching TV. And all of a sudden, my TV starts flipping through all the source code. Like, HDMI 1, HDMI 2. And I'm like, that's it. That's where it starts in the ******* TV. You know what I mean? I don't know why the ghosts go in there, but they do. Right? I'm like, this is it. You know? But I kept thinking. I was like, who is this ghost? So then I run into her a couple of weeks ago. And she's like, oh, yeah. You know, I was talking to Catherine. And she said that it was just the doors and windows would open and close. I'm like, oh, that's nice. You know what I mean? Like a butler ghost. You know what I mean? Like, welcome home, milady. You know what I mean? Have a good day. Right? See you later. I was like, that's pretty nice. But there was a time last year where I was like, I think my house might be haunted. Okay? Do you remember off the top of the lockdowns when there were reports that rats were invading people's houses and being aggressive because the restaurants were all shut down? Well, I was one of those homes. Yes. I know. I was so fucked. Okay? And I never saw it. I never saw it. I just saw the evidence. Right? So I'm up in my room, you know, just watching Netflix. And I hear a ruckus downstairs. So I go downstairs. I don't turn any lights on. And then I just go in. I'm like, get out of my house. You know what I mean? And I saw that it had dragged what I thought was the rat zapper. Okay? To the front of the dishwasher. I know. The rat zapper electrocutes them. Yes. I'm an executioner. Okay? So anyways, next morning I wake up and it wasn't the rat zapper it had dragged. It had dragged a box of Arborio rice. I'm like, I know. I'm like, look at this bougie rat eating the good rice. You know? Uncle Ben's untouched. Okay? So then I'm like, that's it. I got to call the exterminator. He comes over. He's hot. It's the lockdown. I'm like, am I falling for an exterminator? Right? How am I going to explain that to my friends? You know, this is a beautiful romance erupted over rats. You know what I mean? Anyways, he sets everything up. I'm feeling confident until one Monday morning I'm lying in bed and I hear a crinkling. And I just think it's the twins next door playing, but he kept going. And I was like, no. So I jump up and then this rat ran under my bed and into the other. I was passed out. I was like, what the ****? You know, like I always understood that if there was no food source, they're not going to come. So anyways, I call the exterminator. He can't come to the next day. And I'm like, oh my God. So I shut the door and I go to my sister's house. Right? Next morning, the exterminator shows up. He goes up into the room and then I just hear him like yell. Like he's like, and he's like, I've never seen this before. It was literally sitting on a chair waiting for him. Right? So then he scoops him up. He drives into commissioners. And that was it. He comes back. We debrief. And he's like, he's like, you know what? He goes, it was a domesticated rat. Right? And I think he just felt comfortable with you. Comfortable. Why can't I make a husband comfortable? I got to work this out. Right? So anyways, I think the problem is taken care of. Okay. Until another night. I'm watching Netflix. And I hear, I hear a ruckus downstairs. And I was like, I'm not going downstairs. I'm not doing it. I'm going to take care of it the next morning. So when I get up the next morning, there's like a brown mess in the corner. And I couldn't tell what it was. I was like, what is this? So I vacuumed it up. So I vacuum it up. And then when I turn around, I see that there's this little gift box on the kitchen counter. And it's a gift that I got from doing the show. And it had weed in it. So I had a chunk of weed and a weed brownie. And that's what it ate. The weed brownie. And I never saw it again. Okay. This rat must have got so ******* high. Okay. And then he probably was like, oh my God, you know, reexamining his life. Like I'm a piece of ----. What do I do? I invade people's houses uninvited. You know what I mean? Maybe this woman was the woman of my dreams. And I scared her off, you know? So yeah, that was the situation right there. No water. Oh my God. This is so great. I went on Tinder for a week. Anybody else take a nosedive into a garbage dump? Honest to God. These sites. And it's the name. It's like, what is Tinder? It's like burning wood. Do you guys remember Plenty of Fish? Oh my God. That was the worst, you know? That's like a consolation phrase when you break up with someone. People are like, don't worry about it. There's plenty of fish in the sea. Well, not all the fish in the sea are good fish. Okay? There's a lot of sick fish in the ******* sea. And they're on Plenty of Fish. Okay? So anyways, I'm on Tinder. And I match up with a guy named Ahmed. Okay? And he's like, hey, can we FaceTime so we could see each other? And I was like, really? Now I got to talk to this ******* guy? You know? But I was like, hi. I'm like, okay, Sandra, just bust through your fears. Do it, you know? So then just before he calls me, he sends me a message. And he's like, what are your measurements? I know. And I'm like, what are you, making me a dress? Right? What kind of question is this? You know? And then FaceTime lights up. I answer. And then he's like this. He's like, oh, nice. Five foot six, huh? He's like, what's that in centimeters? I got to do conversion for you, too? And what do you need all these numbers for? You know what I mean? What are you, building me a coffin? Right? Holy ----. So then he's like, how about he goes, next week, you come to my house in Ajax. I make you nice Turkish meal. Right? And I'm like, no, I'm not going to come to your house for the first time we meet. What, do you think I'm nuts? And he's like, why not? It's going to be so much fun. Cha-cha-cha. Right? I'm like, I can imagine. I drive up to Ajax. Right? I have this Turkish meal, laced in poison. You know? I die, foam at the mouth. You know? And then this guy dresses me in the dress he sold me. Puts me in the coffin he built me. And then shoves me in the basement. Right? And people will be like, hey, what happened to Sandra? She's just haunting a house in Ajax. She had no choice. You know what I mean? I love you guys. And then I met a real human person. Okay. I met a real human person. I was on the phone. We're having like hot phone talk. I mean, isn't it? Yeah. One of my 90. It's phone sex. Right? So then at minute 40, he tells me he's naked. And I was like, oh. I would have liked to known that a little earlier. I would have taken my socks off. You know what I mean? Getting into the mood. Right? And he's like, it's not what you think. I got to take a shower. I worked all day and I'm hot. And I was like, okay. I said, take a cold shower because it's good for your blood. And he's like, he goes, I'm a size seven foot. He goes, you know what that's going to do to me? And I was like, right. But he goes, don't worry. He's like, I'm Italian. I have a big dick. Right? And because I like to relate, I'm like, oh, I go, I'm Italian too. And I have a big vagina. You know what I mean? Inherited. You know what I mean? Mama got a big puss. Daughter got a big puss. Right? You know, there's two kinds of puss. An innie and an outie. I got the outie. You know what I mean? German engineer. Right? It's like chicks can't lead with that in a conversation. Hey, bro. I got a big puss. You got what it takes to fill it up. You know what I mean? What a way to start a date. Right? So then he asks me what my sexual fantasy was. And it really stumped me. I was like, what? I couldn't think. I'm like, I don't know. It's been two years that we've been locked down. I just want to have sex. That's it. Like, just plain, old-fashioned, missionary-style sex. Right? Like, he's a Catholic missionary. Right? And I'm a poor, unsuspecting, pagan girl in a Mexican pueblo. All right? And then he shows up, you know, missioning. Right? And delivers the word of God. And I take Jesus as my savior. That's my fantasy. Anybody want some? Anybody? I stopped. Last year, I decided I'd stop watching porn. You know what I mean? I know. There's all this ---- I'm saying in front of my parents. I can't believe it. My dad. Everybody's so cute. Anyways. My mother, sometimes the TV ends up at 754, and she's like, what's this ----? Right? It's the porn channel. Anyways, not me. I'm not doing anything. I don't know why it's showing up. But I decided I'd stop watching porn. But, you know, before I did, there was this, you know, step-mom, step-son movie that showed up on my desktop. I don't know. Just showed up. Right? And I'm going to reenact it for you. Okay? So it's like step-mom is in the kitchen. You know what I mean? Step-mom's in the kitchen. Short skirt. No underwear. Puss out. You know what I mean? Easy breezy Sunday afternoon. Right? And she's pouring over documents. We don't know what they are. Right? Then all of a sudden, step-son shows up. And he's like, what are you doing, step-mom? And she's like, I'm working on my taxes, but nothing is adding up. Right? And he's like, what a coincidence. I'm studying accounting in college. And I'm like, this is the first time you guys talked about this? What kind of family is this? Never came up in conversation? Right? So he's like, I think I can help. So he comes behind her. Pumps her from behind. That's the story. You know what I mean? Could have written a bit of it. Right? Like, there you go. And then there was this other one. Okay, this other porn. I got to just share. All right? Two chicks. Right? You got to keep up variety. Right? Two chicks. One's eating out the other one. Right? I know. Right in front of my parents. What are you going to do? Listen. This is going out to the world. You know what I mean? So one's eating out the other one. And she's in the munch. Wait. And the muncher is like, oh my god. You taste so good. And the munchie is like, oh yeah? What do I taste like? And then the muncher is like, white chocolate. And I'm like, really? Who the **** eats white chocolate? You know what I mean? I don't believe this story. Right? Like, how did this roll out? You know what I mean? Before the crew showed up, she's at home going through kitchen cupboards. She sees a chunk of white chocolate. She's like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to melt it on the stove, pour it on my puss, see where it goes. Right? That's la historia. You know? I live on the east side. I live right here. Anybody else? When I'm on the west side, nobody from the east side goes to the west side. And kind of vice versa. Like, it just doesn't happen. Right? And then, you know, people are like, you think I'm going to go north of Bloor? Like, it's disgusting. I was like, who knew there was all this tension between all the directions? Okay? And honestly, sometimes you find yourself a young'un shepherd because you've got paperwork to do. Right? And they're like, yeah, it's not so bad. Look at these nice trees. You know what I mean? It's beautiful. Right? So, anyways, there's a lot of children in my neighborhood and parents. And it's like, it's cute, but it's like, it's too much. Okay? It's too much. Right? And I see a lot of parenting styles. And I saw this woman one day push her kid in a stroller. And she's walking very fast. And she's really pissed. And she says to her little guy, she's like, you didn't do your best today. And he's like, but why, mommy? She's like, you just didn't do your best. And I'm like, take it easy, lady. Because by the looks of your kid, you didn't do your best either. Right? She started it. You know what I mean? Now she wants to blame this kid? It's not his fault. He just inherited a bad situation. You know what I mean? And then there's this other little **** in my neighborhood, Grayson. Okay? This little piece of ----. All right? First of all, who names their kid Grayson? Like, he comes out of the womb, and the father's like, oh, you're gray, son. Right? Anyways, one day he's on his scooter on Queen Street, gawking like a crow. Like, ah! Right? And all his mom says to him is like, Grayson, you shouldn't do that. He doesn't give a ****. He just keeps gawking even more. Like, all my dad had to do was adjust his belt. And I'd be like, pops, it's cool. I'm not a crow. It's me, Sandra. Right? And then I'd try to high-five him, but, you know, Italian fathers don't high-five. Right? And you know what I think? I think that, like, you know what these kids need here? Right? They just, they need to go back to work at a factory one day a week. Okay? Hear me out. Okay, hear me out. Like, good working conditions. You know what I'm saying? Big windows. Proper ventilation. Okay? Snacks. Whatever these fucks want. Whatever, right? Because think about it. It's like, why do the kids in China got to make all this ---- for these kids? They're tired. You know what I mean? When you go to the dollar store and you buy something, it falls apart. That's because they're overworked. All right? If these little fuckers, you know, helped out, it would level out the playing field. Right? One time I was at a show and one parent yelled out. She's like, two days a week. Right? And I'm like, maybe you're right. Maybe you're right. You know? I'm right on ******* track. Right on ******* track. It's good. They opened a Botox clinic in my neighborhood. I know. I'm like, who is this for? Like, the babies? You know? Like, I want to be nine months forever. Right? And then when it first opened, they had their sandwich board outside and they had listed all their services. So Botox was the first one. Obvs. And then there was microneedling. I mean, I guess if you want to make your face into a quilt. Right? And then the last was vampire facial. I know. I'm like, I know what that is now, but at the time, I'm like, what is this? All I pictured is that it's when a vampire comes and, like, bites your neck, sucks your blood, and then spits it on your face like a vampire bukkake. Hey? Hey, buddy. Don't you like a bukkakes? Yeah? Who doesn't like a bukkakes? You know? I had to describe what a bukkake was to a group of middle-aged Italian women at a show once. I know. How do you do that and they still respect you? You know what I mean? I'm like, you know, ladies, it's when a bunch of buddies are in a circle. You know? Joking around in the woods. You know how guys are always in the woods, jacking off, murdering people. Right? And there's a woman in the middle. We don't know. A forest maiden wandering through. Right? And then yabba-dabba-doo, they drop their load on her tits. Right? I know. And these women are looking at me like, oh my God, who raised you? Right? Benga Nova Scotia. Right? But I want to do a public service here right now. Like, this idea of a load. You know what I mean? You know when guys are like, oh man, did you just see me? I fucked this chick last night. I dropped my load on her face. It's like, relax. Okay? It's not a load. You know? You can do a load of laundry. Alright? Or a load of dishes. You know? But I've never seen a river of semenage. Yeah? That's Italian for semen, in case you're wondering. I've never seen a river of semenage flow from my bed. Right? Like, maybe it's a diva cup's worth. That's it. You don't see chicks walking around with their diva cups being like, hey, you should see this load of blood I'm walking around with. I'll throw it on your face if you're good. Oh, this is the best night ever. It really is. Oh. Praise be. Oh, yeah. So, I came up with a knockoff for sick kids hospital. Sicker kids. You know what I mean? This way you know what door to go through. You know what I'm saying? And then a knockoff of that, sickest kids. Okay? Because think about it. Sick kids, you're like, oh, if I say a couple of prayers, some of them will survive. You know? Sicker kids, you're like, I don't know. This is pretty tense. Fingers crossed. Right? And then sickest kids, they're terminally ill, but they've got the sickest gadgets. Right? Like iPad, iPhone, Nintendo. Okay, that didn't hit. That didn't hit. What are you going to do? This woman is like, did I upset you? Okay. Do you work for sick kids? Oh, she went back. I just saw your face and everyone's like, what? Sick kids? Okay, well, you know what? Now I know. What do you do at Bang & Olufsen? Huh? Cyber threat intelligence. Oh, wow. Okay, guys. Take your money and put it in your mattress. You protect. Are there a lot of attacks? No? So you don't do much. That's it. You're like, ooh. This is my job. I'd love that. One attack this year. One attack. We took care of it. Bang & Olufsen. That's the best. Interact is different? Oh, you work for Interact? Like the company? Oh, wow. Who owns this company? The banks, right? You mean the Illuminats. Hey, everybody. Okay. This is amazing. Everyone's like, what are we doing? This is crazy. Last year, there was a campaign on the Gardner Expressway for this insurance company called Mosaic, and they had a couple of billboards, and I'm driving along. You know, it was so tense in early March 2020, right? And I'm driving, and I see this billboard, and it said, fires, floods, locusts, and pandemics, and it's only August. Hashtag protect yourself. And I was like, I don't know. I'm like, what's an insurance policy gonna do to a group of locusts? You know what I mean? Right? Like, you're surrounded, you know, and you're like, stop. And then you pull out your insurance policy. And you're like, I'm protected. Right? And these locusts are like, whoa, this bitch means business. I better shimmy away, right? And then further up the Gardner, there's another billboard that said, hopefully the year will end before you do. I was like, I was so mad. I'm like, you know what I hope? I hope there will be an apocalypse so severe that there will be nothing left to insure. Right? Hashtag protect yourself. Right? And I think my wish is coming true. Am I right, guys? Right? We're at the tipping point. Like, we're here. Like, we're literally here, you know? And I started reading the Bible. I started reading the Bible. I'm like, oh man, what else is there to read? You gotta go back to source, right? And there's so many references to the apocalypse and locusts in the Bible. Okay? I'm gonna read you some. Just gotta go and grab my Bible. Okay? This is my Bible. Isaiah, right? We know Isaiah in the Old Testament. Okay? And it's all prophecy. You start reading the Bible and you're like, it's all there. And so this is Isaiah. He's like, for behold, the Lord will come in fire and his chariots like the whirlwind to render his anger with fury and his rebuke with flames of fire. I mean, he's right. The planet is literally on fire. Right? And then the Quran. Oh my God. Way edgier. Okay? Way edgier. They're like, you know what, Isaiah? Good for you. But we got ******* one more. Okay? This also doubles as the Quran. Okay? So this is what they say. So we let loose upon them the flood and the locusts and the lice and the frogs and the blood. I know, but they were too arrogant. They were a sinful people. And I'm like, oh my God, I forgot about the frogs. Right? I forgot about the frogs. You know what I mean? I've had visions at times. I'm like, once we see those frogs coming down, it's over. Right? Because we're like, how did they get up there? You know what I mean? They don't have wings. That'll be the next lockdown. The frogs are coming, stay in your house. Yeah. And then there was also this ad on the Don Valley Parkway and there was a guy in an orange jumpsuit with his hands in handcuffs and it said, don't commit health and dental benefits fraud. And it said, fraudsfraud.ca. And I'm like, seriously? You're gonna throw this guy in jail for lying about his root canal? Right? If that's the case, then I wanna see an ad with Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos's heads on a platter. Okay? With a guillotine in the background that says, if you don't pay your corporate taxes, heads will roll. Fraudsfraud.ca. Right? They lauded us so bad. They're coming down. I love you, by the way. I love you, yeah. We gotta do better than that. How did... Yeah, I know, they did. How do you know these guys? Oh, okay. I thought this was your brother. Okay, sometimes you go to the crowd, you lose. You know what I mean? I'm gonna pull up my Bible again. I saw this ad for a birth control called Nexoplan. Okay? It's this implant that they put into women's armpits. Okay? And it says, when getting pregnant isn't part of your three-year plan, but pumping is. Am I right? So ridiculous. And it says, up to three years of pregnancy protection so you can take care of the rest. So it's like, take a trip, save up, get a job, finish school, fall in love, get your own place. Like, that's a lot of ---- to do in three years. Right? I've done all that ----, but it took me 24 years. Okay? And no pregs in this bowl of spaghettis. That's what it was. So then, of course, the warnings. Oh my God, the warnings on these things are insane. It says, once the doctor has implanted the implant into your armpit, you and he should feel around for it to make sure it's there. Like, can you imagine the doctor's like, I don't know. He's Italian. I don't know. I put it in your armpit. What's it doing in your ankle? Right? And then, you know, more of the warnings. It's like, if you become pregnant while using Nexoplan, you have a slightly higher chance that your pregnancy will be ectopic, meaning it'll happen outside of the womb. Like, I don't know, in your armpit? Right? You're walking around for nine months like this, and that's just my baby. Don't worry about it. Right? It's pretty easy, you know? And then more side effects. It's like, the use of Nexoplan may also increase your chance of serious blood clots like deep vein thrombosis, pulmonary thrombosis, stroke, and heart attack. Other side effects include headaches, vaginitis, inflammation of the vag, you know what I'm talking about? Weight gain, acne, breast pain, viral infections such as sore throat, stomach pain, painful periods, mood swings, mood swings, what is that? Nervousness, depressed mood, stomach pain, and nausea. And I'm like, you know what? You should have just had the ******* baby. Okay? Because who's going to **** you now with all that thrombosis? Right? And those deep veins. You know? You could have had a baby. Would have made you laugh. It would have made you cry. But nah. You have to be selfish and buy a condo and go to Jamaica. Well, **** you. Right? Oh my God. So we've been hearing about some of the side effects of this recent vaccine. Right? I know this is touchy, but we've been hearing some side effects. One of the ones I took note of is that women are just like having spontaneous periods that are lasting a real long time. So I thought of an ad that said, you know, the COVID-19 vaccine for longer lasting, more spontaneous periods. Because why bleed for some of the month when you could bleed all of the month forever? Oh, good. Yeah, okay. See, you guys didn't go with the sick kids, but you came with the vacs. Take it in. You are my favorite. I gotta... He's fangirling? Okay. Okay, wait. Okay. I want to see you do two hands for the clap. Okay? Not just one. I'm sorry. I don't mean to. You know, when the lockdown started, it was like so, there's so much bad news. Right? And I couldn't take it. But the minute I go outside, I'm like, Oh my God, everything's okay. Everything's going to be good. And then I realized that that's why they created inside for, for bad news. You know what I mean? Like you can't tell somebody bad news outside. Like, what are you going to do? Hey, come over here. And then you're like, Oh, ****. Where's over here? Right? Someone's just going to come out of the woodwork. I can't tell you anything. You know what I mean? This is, you need, you need to, the window, I mean, you need two walls for bad news. Okay? That's it. And then the masks, right? We're obviously, we're wearing masks and the masks, you can't take, you can't get cues from people. It's really hard. You're like, are you, like, are you saying hi or do you want to have sex with me? You know what I mean? I can't tell. It's like, we got to walk around with pictures of ourselves beside ourselves being like, yo, this is me. Okay? If you really want to know the situation. You know what I mean? Who knew that the mouth and the nose told so much of the story? Right? The eyes are on their own. It's like, what is this? Just two floating eyeballs in the air. Right? It's like, there's all this, there's all this poetry around romanticizing the eyes, like the eyes are the window to the soul. Yeah. Without the house, it's just two floating windows. You know what I mean? And then I was in a butcher shop, right? And I had my mask underneath my nose and, because I was having a hard time breathing and then the hipster butcher, right, is about to serve me and he's like, can you put your mask over your nose? And I'm like, yeah, I just need to take a breath. I go, can you tell me if that chicken is organic? And he's like, can you put your mask over your nose? And I'm like, bro, I can't breathe. He's like, please, he goes, because otherwise you're going to jeopardize everything. And I'm like, me? I'm like, we're standing in front of a display case of dead animals. I'm going to be the one to take this operation down. You know what I mean? Like, hey, relax, buddy. Relax. So, obviously, you know, this has been a rough patch, you know, and a lot of businesses shut down. But you know, truth be told, some of them had to go. You know what I mean? Like, some restaurants, I'm like, if you don't know how to make good food, then what the **** are you doing? Like, do another business. Don't waste my money. You know what I mean? So anyways, there used to be this coffee shop at Bloor and Christie called Black Rock Coffee. So I go in there one day because I have a meeting. And when I walk in, there's a musical playing. Right? There's a musical playing. I'm like, huh, that's an interesting music choice, right? And there's one guy ahead of me. And before the barista serves him, she does like literally a full body stretch. She's like, huh, how can I, how can I help you? Right? And I'm like, oh, she's a musical theater bitch. Right? This will be interesting. And these guys are all musical. Respect. You know what I mean? So anyways, so then he's like, I'll have an espresso. She's like, okay. Right? And then she turns around and she starts making the espresso. And she's like, I love him. But when the night is over, he is gone. The river's just a river. And then she turns around and she's like, here's your espresso. Right? He leaves. I go to the front of the line. She's like, how can I help you? Right? And I'm like, without him, the world around me changes. And everywhere the trees are bare, the streets are full of strangers. And then we both pause and we inhale and we're like, and I know it's only in my mind. Okay. You know, I like to sing. I'm a whore. I like to sing. Okay, so we're going to switch gears, you know? So always, hey ladies, anybody, anybody sitting on one right now I'm taking it easy. Just some bleedy bleeds, no preggy pregs. Huh? I'm feeling like this is more of a tampon diva cup crowd. Am I right? Listen, I was raised Italian and we couldn't put anything, we couldn't stick anything up. That's right. Tampons were for sluts. That's it. Okay. And I'm all about the environment and there's so much pressure with the diva cup. Like, oh, it's so environmentally friendly. And I'm like, what, I got to do dishes now? Right? That's why I believe there'll always be a market for pads with immigrants and refugees. You know? Because you're not, what are you going to do? Cross the Mediterranean in a diggy boat with a diva cup? You know? What are you going to say to your crew? Hey, slow down while I pour this cup of blood into the Mediterranean and then we'll be off to the concentration camps. Right? For freedom. So always, always came out with a product for night. I don't know if you saw this, it's called Always Night. It says, why go to bed with a pad that thinks you're standing up? I know, I'm like, thinks? This pad thinks? That's unbelievable. That's revolutionary. You know what I mean? But then I start to think, I'm like, well, if this pad thinks, then you'd think that the thought would have crossed its mind like, what the **** am I doing under this bleeding vagina? You know what I mean? I got to get a life. I got to go to the park, blue skies, birds are chirping. You know? I don't want to be under this shower of sorrow over here. Like, boo-hoo, nobody understands me. You know? I just want to take these broken wings, baby. That's all I know. Right? Who didn't grow up in the 90s? That's all I have. Oh, this is just the best ever. When I was young, younger, a young woman, and I'd go to weddings, and these old Italian men would say, hey, are you married? Where's your husband? And I just, I didn't want to say no, I just wanted to say, I did have a husband, but he died. You know what I mean? Because it's better than saying no, you know? And then, like, talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy because now I can't take a selfie. Every time I take a selfie, I'm like, who is that bitter widow? You know what I mean? And, and side note, I have been cast eight times as an Italian widow. Okay? Like, I haven't even been married one time. You know? Now I've buried eight husbands? Like, what is this? And then my friend Neville said, he goes, maybe it's because you look like the kind of woman whose husband is going to die soon. What does that look like? Right? I'm at Fortino's, right, doing my shopping, you know, but in the back of my mind, I'm like, oh my God, I hope he doesn't make it through the winter. Okay? Because then I'm going to go to Acapulco party time. One, two, three, take it easy. You know? You know those old Italian bitches are like, you know what, I washed this underwear for 50 years. **** him, I'm going to Acapulco. Right? And I was even cast in the third season of Handmaid's Tale. I know. You wouldn't have recognized me because they just caught my backside. All right? And I even, and I played a widow wife. All right? Even in a post-apocalyptic future, I'm a widow. This is insane. Right? But I guess, I guess that's what being a girl is. You know? Like, bleeding, birthing babies, and burying husbands. Right? According to the media. You know? I was, I was with Phil. We were downtown. We were high. What are we going to do? Right? We're actors. You know? We're just enjoying the day and, and you know, you know that campaign Because I'm a Girl? Right? You know that campaign? So, one of the canvassers approached us and she's like, hey, she's like, do you know about Because I'm a Girl? And we're like, yeah. She's like, do you support us? I'm like, not right now. You know, bills to pay. She's like, why? She goes, because for one dollar, you can really change somebody's life. She's like, one dollar isn't a lot here, but over there, it goes a really long way. Right? So I start to think, I'm like, well then maybe I'm just going to go over there. Right? Because what am I doing over here buying nine dollar sandwiches? You know what I mean? I could go over there and be a millionaire. Right? And where is over there? You know? It's like so racist when people say that. You know, it's like, over there, send the word, over there, that the first world's coming, the first world's coming, to save the third world from the mess we started over there. Thank you, thank you. God bless.