Top 7 Jokes of September 2025 | Stand-Up Comedy Compilation

I feel good though, man. I had been sick for a while. I came down with something. I was sick for like two weeks. I had to go to urgent care here in Nashville. I don't know if y'all been doing urgent care. Go check it out. It's fun. I like it in there. There's a, you know, it's better than a real doctor. I think there's no ego at an urgent care. That's what's fun, you know. Nobody in an urgent care is like, this is where I thought my life would be. And I like that. That's actually a good feeling. You go to a doctor's office, they talk down to you, right? Diplomas on the wall. They're like, I went to school. I know everything. Urgent care is like, do you have $40? Let's figure this out together. We don't know any more than you, you know. Let's put our heads in a room and let's tackle this sinus infection as a team. And that's fun. There's camaraderie in an urgent care, you know. I don't know if anybody's qualified and that's a rush. That's a fun way to spend a day. You know how you fill out all your info in the lobby on like a clipboard and then they take you to another room and act like you never did that. So the nurse comes in. We're face to face. She's asking me questions. She goes, what are you in for? I said, my nose is clogged. She said, you've been taking anything? I said, just Sudafed. And she goes, oh, can you spell that for me? I was like, Sudafed? I maybe could. I would like you to take a stab at it though, right? Feels like something you should know. I know y'all share a lease with a T-Mobile store, but this feels like day one stuff, honestly. Look, I've been taking Ibuprofen as well. So maybe I sounded that one out. You can write that down phonetically. I'm being mean, but they hooked me up. They gave me a steroid shot. I don't know if you've had a steroid shot. They are awesome. I don't know what's in them. It works so quick. I don't know why they've been hiding these. They should do a lot more steroid shots. That should be the first thing they throw at you when you walk in, you know, just go around the waiting room. Just give everybody a steroid shot and be like, we'll see who needs to be here in five minutes. Most of y'all be feeling better than you've ever felt in your life. They got me. I felt good right away. I had some other medicine I had to get. I don't even know what. I had to go to the pharmacy to get it. They didn't have it at Urgent Care. I had to go to the pharmacy, another place across town. I know that's how it works, but I don't know why we're all okay with it. There's plenty of room. Just keep it there. Why do I got to go off campus to get the medicine? No other industry in America works like that. Can you imagine you go to Jiffy Lube and they're like, you need an oil change. We don't have any oil here, but if you take this piece of paper to Walgreens, they'll get you oil in about an hour. You'll see it immediately, but it'll be an hour before they turn around and hand it to you. You ever see your bag over their shoulder? You're like, can I just reach out and grab that real quick? It's going to be an hour. I was in there a while. She goes, it's going to be about an hour. Feel free to walk around our store. I was like, really? Are you sure? Thank you. You ever walk around a pharmacy indefinitely? There's weird stuff in there. There's aisles none of us go to because they're not on the way to anything fun. Go check them out. I bought a knee brace. I didn't know you were allowed to get a knee brace off the rack. 29 bucks. It's pretty good. I don't need a knee brace right now, but y'all see me. It's coming. I want to have a starter when that day comes, right? Breathe right strips. I was trying those out. Big advocate of those. You know a breathe right strip? There's a little sticker that you put on your nose and it just, it's even if you're breathing good, you could be breathing a little better. You ever throw on a breathe right strip just to power through the last few bites of a meal? Y'all know what I'm talking about? Just open things up. Some of y'all never breathe. I can tell. You don't even know what I'm talking about. You're living life at 60% nose. You could get to 63. My dad passed away, uh, three months ago. He, he just died. Yeah. Three months and a half. And, uh, of course it's still, I'm still in shock. You know, it's, it's, it's very sad. Uh, and I don't know if it would, I don't know if anyone here have any relative that die. And one of the worst thing is you have to buy a coffin and you're not ready for this. No one is, no one is ready for this because you're in shock and you have to go and buy the box to put someone you love inside. And it's not cheap. And you sit down with a woman who show you like a, like a menu of, you know, different coffins. And there was a cheap one, you know, like it was like 300 bucks. It was like an Amazon box. And then you have a very expensive one, you know, like five grand or seven grand that comes with wifi and an alarm if he comes back to life. But my dad wanted to be cremated. So I was like, what's the point of this ----? You know, this is going to last less than an Instagram story. Yeah. It's 24 hours. So I was like, what are you supposed to do? You know, you're supposed to get the cheap one, the expensive one. And I didn't know what to do. I was, I mean, once again, I was in shock. I was like in a blur. And my dad like came to me like Mufasa in the Lion King from the sky. And he was like, the cheapest one. And turn off the lights. And I was like, of course, you know, of course it's the cheapest one, you know, that makes more sense. And yeah, I was like, okay, I'm going to get the cheapest one. But then I started thinking like, what I'm doing, like, people, what people are going to think about me, you know, people are going to show up at the funeral. And be like, look at this ************. Look at this cheap ************ have his dad in seven Ziploc bags. How is that even possible? So I still don't know what to do. I have him in the car in the meantime. I think next week, I'm going to decide. And I miss the Catholic Church so much. You know, I miss like God. And I feel that because of this, I feel it was so easy to raise a kid with the Catholic Church. Because, you know, when you have a child, try to teach him that he has to be a good person is so hard. Yeah. But when you're Catholic is like, you have to be good, or you're gonna go to hell. You know, you don't have to explain morals and ----. You have to be like, you have to be good, or you're gonna die in ******* hell. With Hitler right next to you, jerking off. You don't want that. So just be good. But my generation was like, no, that's bullshit. You know, like Jesus Christ is stupid. You know, we believe in the horoscope. How am I supposed to teach a kid to be a good person with astrology? You know, it's like behave, or you're gonna date a Virgo. And those are the worst of the worst. You know, what I hate about the Catholic Church is like, I remember when I was a kid, they were always like, don't watch movies, because they're too violent. Or don't watch TV, because it's too violent. And just come to the church, where there's a man crucified, bleeding, and his mom is watching him crying. It's like this very, very aggressive thing for a child. You know, and why all the, this is the thing. It's like Jesus Christ was alive for 33 years. But all the pictures of him is from the last four days. He's always bleeding and suffering. There's not a picture of him at the beach for a weekend, like having a good time. You know, like this is something I'm jealous about, like the American culture. Like my white family, they're also Catholics, and they're from Texas. And they have pictures of Jesus Christ with a machine gun, playing golf, you know, with Donald Trump. I mean, that's not in the Bible, but at least he's having some fun, you know? It's almost like he's suffering so much. My point in all this is that guys get body shame. We do. Guys get body shame if we're short, or if we're bald, or if we have a small penis. Some guys out there get body shame for all three. It's got to be a horrible life for whoever that guy is. I'm sure he's really talented, though. I believe in God. I do. I took about 30 years off, but now I'm back. This is why I believe in God. I just want there to be someone, when my life is over, to complain to about the life I had. That's why I do it. I want some upper management. I go up there, God's going to be like, time to talk about your sins. I'm going to be like, I have some notes for you, pal. What was that? I'll definitely mention the fact that I'm bald. I'll be like, well, you couldn't just give me hair. That would have been a nice one. But three years ago, I had hair. Yeah, I had hair three years. I'm not saying it was a great amount, but it was an amount where my friends were still positive. Yeah, I tell them I'm going bald. They're like, you're not going bald. I'm like, are you sure? My dad's bald. And they'd be like, just because your dad's bald doesn't mean you'll be bald. It runs on your mom's side. I'm like, she's bald, too. You'd think by now they'd have a cure for being bald. Best option out there right now, you could take a pill. But a side effect of the pill is it could cause you to not be able to get an erection. And I don't want to risk that in case my wife and I ever, you know, get a divorce. They tested that pill on animals first. That's pretty messed up. I just imagine there's some bald, limp-dick monkey walking around the jungle all depressed. Like, ****. My dick doesn't work. There are two stages of being bald. First stage, denial. Second stage, acceptance. That's where I'm at. I've accepted it. And when you accept it, you shave your head. That's what I did. And I'll never forget that first day I shaved my head. It was on the day they stormed the Capitol. I wasn't trying to be a part of it or anything. I shaved my head, then I turned on the TV, and I was like, I probably should have waited. You got to keep up with current events. I try and have fun with this look. I try. As much as possible. I was walking around this town. It's right outside New York City. It's called McMarenick. And I'm walking around, and I saw a barbershop. And the name of this barbershop was Gary's Barbershop. And I'm like, I'm gonna go in here. I'm gonna ask them if they have any t-shirts. You know, Gary's Barbershop, I'm bald. This could be big. So I walk in. There's one barber. He's cutting somebody's hair. And I ask him, I'm like, do you have t-shirts? And he goes, huh? And I go, do you sell t-shirts? And he goes, what? And in my head, I'm like, am I saying it weird? And I'm like, my name's Gary. Do you have any t-shirts that say Gary's Barbershop? And he was like, do you have a barbershop? I couldn't believe how quickly this went off the rails. I didn't know how to explain it any clearer. I was like, I'd wear the t-shirt as a style. It'd be a cool look. Finally, he got it. He was like, we don't carry t-shirts. We never have. We never will. No one has ever asked me this before. There's no need for them. Nobody would wear them. That's what he said to me. And I walked out of there. I felt worse than when I walked in. And about an hour went by. I called up the place. I didn't change my voice at all. I was like, hi, do you have t-shirts? He's like, are you the guy who was in here an hour ago? I'm like, no. He's like, somebody who was just in here trying to buy Gary's Barbershop t-shirts. I'm like, I guess there's a pretty high demand. Stock up, buddy. It's dangerous having no kids at this age. Because when you're a middle-aged white male, you start developing hobbies. And we traditionally have not had the best hobbies. I have too much free time. And I found myself getting into conspiracy theories. I think my generation is especially prone to conspiracy theories, by the way. I think we are. Because I have a theory that when people my age, when people my age were kids, people told us that there were boners in Disney movies. And then we got older, and it turned out that there were boners in Disney movies. So what else aren't they telling us? You know what I mean? But I did. I knew myself too well. I enjoyed the Da Vinci Code too much to be 100% sure. That I wouldn't eventually get into QAnon, right? So I've had to pick up hobbies. I've had to pick up hobbies so I don't get into conspiracy theories. I swear this is true. I got into smoking meat. So I would have something to do. I did. I did. I got a big green egg in my backyard, and I smoked meat on it. And QAnon and smoking meat are actually pretty similar pursuits. Whichever one you get into, you end up watching a lot of 90-minute YouTube videos, where it's just like a fat, sweaty guy in Mississippi talking right into the camera. Here's what they're not telling you about natural gas, brother. But I did. I did. You know, I got into smoking meat so I wouldn't get into conspiracy theories. You might say, instead of QAnon, I actually can't tell this joke. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't do it. No, I'm sorry. I can't do it. I can't do it. I know. No, I know. This is the special. You all came here tonight. I appreciate you so much for supporting me. But in good conscience, I can't tell this joke because if we're being 100% honest with each other, last time I did, somebody died. No, it's because it's too funny. It's too funny of a joke. I appreciate you volunteering. But even still, it's random. It's random. I just can't do it. I can't even feel like it. So we'll just move on. All right, I'm going to tell it. OK, OK. Set the scene again. About 25 minutes of the most blistering stand-up comedy you've ever heard. And then, OK, in the context for this, I got into smoking meats and I wouldn't get into conspiracy theories. You might say, instead of QAnon, I just can't. I just can't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Because for you, this is all fun and games, right? But I was on stage. I saw it happen. I saw someone was sitting right there and they laughed so hard that their skeleton flew out of their body. And the skeleton sat down next to them and the skeleton was laughing. So the skin was laughing and then the skeleton was laughing. And the skeleton was laughing so hard that the ghost flew out of the skeleton. And then all three of them were laughing together, right? All three. And then the skeleton and the ghost, they looked at each other. And then the skin and the skeleton looked at each other. And then all three of them looked at each other and they were like, whoa, and then they all three collapsed. And now I'm locked in litigation, all right? Heavy litigation. And I have not worked in show business in over a year. All right, I'll tell it, I'll tell it. Instead of QAnon, look, I just set the context. I got into smoking meat so I wouldn't get into conspiracy theories. All right, here we go. Instead of QAnon, I got into Barbe-Q-anon. Hard to come back from that one. That's, probably gonna have to tear the theater down after that. It is though, it is hard to tell another joke after that. And I'm just a simple Midwesterner. I was raised Catholic. Yeah, raised Catholic. By a God-fearing and child-support skirting man. Yeah, I was raised Catholic. I don't believe in any of the religion at this point, but I do find myself relating to some of the Bible stories more as I get older. Like Jesus's first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding reception that ran out of alcohol when he was 30 years old. And I feel like if I had supernatural powers, I would also not use them for my entire life until I got blackout at a wedding. And I'd just be like, I think I'm gonna do it. You know what I mean? Like, this is gonna be, I'm gonna do it. Dude, he went into that wedding so in the pocket. By the end of the night, he was on the karaoke mic like, I believe in miracles. Just like, *******, this can't be long. Imagine the hangover after that too. I mean, we've all made like drunken mistakes and had regrets. Imagine waking up after a long night of drinking and being like, did I do anything crazy last night? And then 12 of your best guy friends are like, we will follow you anywhere. For you are no ordinary man, my friend. And that's what happened. He just had a frat of 12 guys after that, dude. He frat snapped water into wine and created the first fraternity, I think. It was like Alpha Omega, you know, or whatever. They were holding out solo cups like, let me get a top off, do the thing. Do the party trick, dude. By the way, no woman found that miracle impressive. They were like, what is that? I'm not drinking that, yeah. I'm not gonna get date raped in Cana, you know? I don't know what your boy is cooking up back there, but except for Mary Magdalene. She was like, I'll faggot doing it, you know? So she was like, she was like the fun slut of the fraternity, right? She was one of the boys, his dad. I'll just finish the New Testament since I've gotten this far. Because yeah, after that, Jesus had to grow up. He had to start doing like adult miracles, right? There was like hungry people, he had to feed them. There was a blind guy, had to give him ******* eyes or whatever. And the whole frat was like, what is this bullshit, dude? Like this is not what we signed up for, you know? What happened to **** boy Jesus, you know? What is this? Peter was like, I don't even know this guy anymore. And Judas sold him out for like an eighth of weed, you know? He was like, I should have got more or whatever he said. And then they crucified him. They crucified him. And the whole frat was like, bummer, man. And then he came back three days later and they were like, sick. Yeah, that's what's up, dude, time. And then he was like, but I gotta go again. I gotta go back. And they were like, bummer, dude, ****, you just got back. He's like, don't worry, I'm coming back again. They were like, sick. No, yeah, dude, yes, classic. And then he never came back and they were like, bummer, right? And then they started getting crucified themselves and they were like, big bummer. This is the biggest bummer yet, maybe. But then Peter got crucified upside down. He was like, kind of sick, right? Pretty metal, kind of tight. I just turned 41 and I'm not old, but I think we can all agree that I am running out of time. I gotta grow up. I gotta start talking like a 41-year-old. I gotta start using 41-year-old words like, Christ. Bullshit. I gotta start calling people a prick. Timothy's a prick. Gotta start saying stuff like, this is a lease. All of a sudden I'm gonna wake up with a 14-year-old son named Michael. Get your head out of your ass, Michael. Quit loafing around, get a job. Farting around up there. You know when you're 14, that summer when you're 14 and you don't have a job? Dads just hate it. They hate it. He's up there, sleeping. Not working. Up there farting around, playing his vidya games. Get a job. He was like, you gotta get a job. I was like, how am I gonna get a job? I'm 14. I think it's illegal. He's like, you're gonna print off some resumes and then hand them out to businesses. I was like, resumes? What am I gonna put in the resume? Never had a job. I kid you not. He made me print off a big stack of resumes. All they said on it was, raked Judith Hoy's leaves. From October 1995 to October 1995. Banner career. And then he would just, on the way to work, he'd drop me off in different parts of Ottawa and just be like, there's some businesses there. And he'd give me bus fare to bus home. And it wasn't just like restaurants. He'd go to an office tower and be like, go up there. I'm like, an office? I don't know what kind of depression-era economy you think this is. This is a true story, what I'm about to tell you. I remember this. He was like, oh, there are some businesses. And I remember I got in the elevator and I was like, I don't know, six. Maybe the best businesses are on six. And then the doors opened and I got out and there was a secretary there and she's like, hello. And I was like, hi. And she's like, can I help you? And I was like, I'd like a job. She goes, okay. Where would you like a job? I'm like, here. She goes, here. I go, yes, here. She goes, you want a job here? I'm like, yes. I kid you not, she said this. She goes, but this is the unemployment office. I like randomly walked into the unemployment office, didn't read what it was. And was like, I'm a little boy, I break leaves. Get me a job. You know, getting older, you know, and I'd like to have kids, but I think, a problem is I think it's too late for me to have kids. Old horny guy back there. I'm 75, I have sired quite a few children. I do think it's too late for me and I'll tell you why. Because I'm too tired. I'm already too tired. All day, every day, I am tired. I'm tired right now. And I'll tell you what, audience, I have not had a long day. Nope, I'm a comedian. I woke up, had breakfast, and I came straight here. And I am exhausted from all my duties. Can't throw a kid in the mix. They crap their pants, don't they? For like years, like two years, they're just crapping their pants every day. And you know, that seems like a lot, you know. And by the way, I figured it out, side note, that's why all of our parents don't respect us. All of our parents love us, probably, but none of our parents talk to us like they respect us. It's because first impressions are very important. And no matter what you achieve in your life, you can be like, mom, I just graduated from brain surgery school, what do you think of that? And she'll be like, I think that's the guy who used to ---- his pants. Better tell him to wear a jacket, even though he knows it's winter. She'll call me and be like, are you eating? Yes, I'm eating. We'll be texting and I'll be getting ready to fly back up to Ottawa for a little visit, you know. And then she'll text me back and be like, email me your flights, email me your flights. I'll be like, all right, we're texting right now, but I'll hop on over to email for you. They love it over there. And then the day of the flight, she's like, just a reminder, you're flying out of JFK Airport. I know there's plenty of airports down there, I do not want you to go to the wrong one. I'm like, mom, I'm so old. I know how to read a ticket. I'm pretty sure when she pictures me in New York, I'm just walking around Times Square with no shirt on. Where's the Skybus to see my mommy and daddy? I'm a dumb little boy and I'm so hungry. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. She's like, there's my son, I better text him. They were good parents, they deserve grandkids, I guess, but they were good parents. There were some beatings, but it was the 80s and 90s, and beatings had better branding back then. Very good branding. It was called spanking. And if you are Gen Z, this may shock you to find out, but buckle up. Between about 1996 and the beginning of time. Very beginning of time. It was 100% socially acceptable for your parents in public if you were crying, no matter what the reason, maybe you'd never seen hail before, and you thought the sky was falling and you were crying, your parents were, it was perfectly socially acceptable for them in public to take off your pants and then wind up and ******* hit you in the ass. And then other people would walk by, other citizens, and they'd be like, good, discipline, fantastic parenting. Surely that four-year-old did something to warrant being disrobed in Sears. Surely there's a good reason why there's a man with a mustache hitting a little boy behind an unhooked washing machine. My weight's gone up and down my whole life, and I blame the book it program. If you don't know what the book it program is, when I was in elementary school, Pizza Hut decided that the best way to solve the illiteracy problem was to offer children a free personal pan pizza if they read four books, or told their teacher that they read four books. And I mean, it was awesome when you were a kid, right? You got pizza for doing homework, but 30 years later, nobody's making you read books and you're hooked on pizza. That's kind of what I'm going through right now. I knew I had to drop some weight because I reached a point where I thought people were talking about my weight all the time, whether they were or not, that's just where my head was. Like when the Delta flight attendant asked me to switch seats to balance out a Canadair regional jet, that'll ruin your day real quick, okay? Because if I think about it, it's not me. It's where I'm sitting versus where there's too many empty seats. But if you're self-conscious about your weight, that's not what you hear. What you hear is, sir, if you move 10 feet that way, the whole plane will fly properly. Could you help us out? And if you have to use the restroom, please ring your call button so we can send two people to your seat, okay? I don't want to turn this thing into a space shuttle. We're just trying to get to Florida. I don't know. I rationalize too much, right? I think, you know what? Everybody loves food. Why do I have to change? And it's true. Everybody does love food. Bath and Body Works was selling a candle that smells like mashed potatoes. How fat are you, okay, when you want your bedroom to smell like buttered mashed potatoes? This fat, turns out. I got the gravy one, too. It smelled amazing. It was a great deal. It was buy one, get one. And I got a free bottle of fried chicken body wash because I opened up a credit card to pay for it. Like, it was a good deal. Number one show on TV six years in a row was Man Vs. Food. Yeah, they're doing it again. They got a new guy because the first one exploded or whatever. We don't need to do that show again. I learned everything I was supposed to learn the first time around. I watched that show as if it were a documentary meant to show America what will happen to your body if you eat unhealthy every day for six years. If you watch it like that, it works. You could leave here tonight. Go to YouTube. Do a search for Man Vs. Food. Watch a clip from season one, then immediately watch a clip from season six. You'll notice a difference right away. That guy was way skinnier when he started, and he had an amazing vocabulary. Where'd that go? Watch season one. He's very articulate. He's like, folks, there is a symphony of flavor going on in my mouth right now. When I bit down, I got heat from the peppers, I got sweet from the relish, little salt from the bacon. This place, they've done it, I'll tell you. They have made perfect harmony in the form of a sandwich. And then six years later, he's like, this is yummy. This is really good. It's too easy to eat terrible. It's everywhere, and I fall for it. I see some gimmick food. They're like, this is the most calories ever. And I'm like, I gotta try that. Wendy's has a sandwich called Son of Baconator. Their food is making babies when they're closed to sell the next day. Little sandwich children. Golden Corral, that place is still a thing. You ever go to Golden Corral? You can go once. Can't go twice. Because when you go that first time, you learn there are no rules. There is no code of conduct. That's why it's called Golden Corral. It's just like the Old West of eating. I was like, maybe this was a bad idea. We tried to leave. The guy's like, sir, is there a problem? Look, man, I appreciate you giving me access to a chocolate fondue fountain for $9. The problem is I just watched the guy walk by with his prime rib. I was like, hey man, that's not gravy. I know. What is that you got? Whipped cream on corn on the cob? It's called cream corn. But I've needed to lose weight for a while. And I feel like I tried everything, you know? And I would talk about it on stage and then people would yell out how they think I should lose weight. One lady's like, you should go vegan. And I don't know if there's any vegans in here with enough strength to raise your hand. Look, if you can do it, good for you, okay? I can't do it. I've only had one vegan experience. It did not go well. I was in Jacksonville and I was walking down the street and I passed a bakery with all these beautiful things in the window. So I just kind of poked my head and I go, excuse me, ma'am, what's that right there on the bottom? And she goes, that's a root beer float donut. And we just took it out of the oven about a half hour ago. Do you want one? I was like, no, I want two. But only put one in the bag because the other one ain't making it out of this store. So she hands me the one over the counter. I take a bite as we walked to the register and I was like. She's like, are you okay? I was like, I think you made this wrong. She goes, no, I didn't make it wrong, sir. Are you not aware that you're in a vegan bakery? I was like, I don't even know what that means. And so she points to this sign behind the counter and it says, no product contains an ingredient that comes from an animal. And I was like, well, that's ironic because this is some bullshit. No, no, I didn't say it, but I should have said it because she deserved to hear it. She did deserve to hear it. She should have known when I came through that door, I was in the wrong place. Look at me, look at me. I guarantee I don't look like any of her regulars, okay? And I would have had a lot more respect for her if she would have been like, sir, I think you might want the place down the street. Don't worry, it happens all the time. They'll have everything you're looking for. Milk, eggs, butter, taste, right down the street. It's like four blocks. I'm sure you'll call an Uber, you can wait inside. I do feel like I've tried everything though. Tried P90X, 90 day workout plan. I made it 15 minutes, about 15 minutes. It was hard. Nobody on those DVDs look like me. Much like the vegan bakery, that should have been my clue. I'm in the wrong place, right? Everybody on there is yelling at me like they know me. Keep going, love that pain, enjoy the burn. Why don't you shut up, dude? It's easy for you to say, you look like you've been doing this your whole life. Why not put one guy that looks like me off to the side so that I have a basis of comparison to how things should be going on my end? I'd like to see if he's also laying on the ground about to pass out before the warmup's over. I'd like to know that. I might check out disc two just to see what happened to that guy. They'd be like, well, we lost Kevin yesterday, but we're glad that you're back for leg day. And I'm sure some of you are like, Josh, I don't know you that well, but my guess is you went into it with a bad attitude. No, I didn't. I went into it with a great attitude. I expedited the shipping. I upgraded to the multicolored resistance bands. I was dressed and ready to go the day I knew it was on the truck for delivery. I put that thing in, and within seconds, regretted every decision I had ever made in my entire life that led me up to that moment. And the thing is, I didn't go out looking for it either. I was just at home one night, watching TV, minding my own business, when this guy comes on. He's like, hey, man, you want a six pack? Yeah? You want it in three months? I mean, the sooner the better, I guess. Well, call me. So I called him. It was so bad. And here's the other thing that bothers me. At that time, when I started it, my health level was right here, okay? And all I wanted P90X to do was get me from here to here, right? Just a little bump. I was so bad, I didn't want to do anything. I just sat around, watching Netflix, eating Oreos. Every kind of Oreo that came out, you know how they do the special flavor Oreos? I wanted to try all of them so I could give them an honest review. I even put a fake IP address on my computer so that I could order Oreos from other countries. I did. I tried Swedish Fish Oreos. Yeah, they're terrible, but it was better than doing CrossFit. And then by the time I snapped out, I found myself here. I was like, this is messed up, dude. I'm fatter because I tried P90X. And that's how I went with everything. If I didn't get immediate results, I would just sit around and get fatter, sad that it didn't work. Gym memberships, exercise equipment, diets. I tried every kind of diet people told me about, even if it sounded made up. I was like, maybe it'll work for me. I tried this Minecraft diet. Yeah, it was just three square meals a day. Listen. It's a great joke. Thank you. Thank you, manager of GameStop. It was the only people that liked that joke. All the grandparents are like, well, I'll tell it to my grandkid. Maybe they'll enjoy it. I didn't like the order that P90X went in. They start with arms. Disc one, arms. I need my arms to do stuff tomorrow. The next day, I couldn't get either arm higher than where this is. Do we all see that? That's how high both of my arms would go. To brush my teeth that morning, I had to brace against the doorframe of the bathroom, lower my head down, and then just move it around on the toothbrush. Because my arms wouldn't work. My wife, she's been very supportive of me through my comedy career, which I appreciate. She understands that I'm in a line of work, and I've been in it for so long that my brain is trained to come up with a joke in any situation, no matter how inappropriate a joke might be in that situation. I can't turn it off. I remember the day we found out she was pregnant with our first child. She took the test, and she passed, or whatever. And she's like, I'm not gonna get excited until I hear it from the doctor himself. So we go to the doctor, and he comes in. He's like, yeah, you guys are pregnant. Congratulations. And I said, what's the due date? He said, well, if the date you gave me is correct, I'm gonna guess July 4th. And I was like, 4th of July, that'd be ironic. He goes, why is that? I go, I mean, the day that America is celebrating the birth of its freedom, I can mourn the death of mine. And it's a great joke. I stand by it. And listen, at some point, I probably should've just told him I was a comedian. Because when someone knows that you're a comedian, they let you get away with saying things like that. They don't get weird. They're just like, that's what he does. I could tell by his reaction he had no idea what I did for a living. And in that moment, I had to decide, do I tell him and make this room more comfortable for everyone that's in it? Or do I challenge myself as a professional and try to replicate this exact same awkward silence over every visit for the next six to eight months? Of course, that's what I chose. That's back when she still thought I was funny. That goes away. One day, I learned a valuable lesson. Just shut up. It's good advice. If I ever meet newlyweds or engaged couples, I always tell the dude, bro, just shut up. You don't know how good this advice is. But it's advice I wish I'd gotten a long time before I had to figure it out on my own. I got terrible advice from my married friends at my reception. And I blame the open bar for that. You know, looking back. I was engaged for a year and a half. They never said a word. Then there was free Kettle One for four hours. Now I got 27 Dr. Phil's popping up every five seconds. And my one buddy, I knew it was gonna happen. I told her a week out. I said, listen, he's probably gonna get pretty drunk at our reception and my only ask of you is if you see him talking to me or even walking my way, you pull me aside or I'll be stuck with him all night. She's like, don't worry about it. So sure enough, he's wasted, okay? We all knew he's wasted. He's break dancing by himself on the middle of the dance floor to the soundtrack from Aladdin during appetizers. We all knew. So he goes into his backspin on Friend Like Me, finishes. We lock eyes, he gets up, he starts stumbling my way. I try to find her. She's leaving the room. I was like, oh boy, here we go. And I've known this dude since we were three years old. I've never seen him this drunk. I was like, hey man, you having a good time? Are you serious? This is the best wedding I've ever been to. And let me tell you something. I was laying over there and I was like, I've been married for a minute, you know? What kind of best friend would I be if I didn't give my boy advice about marriage on his wedding night? So listen, if I was just gonna give you just one really good pee, sorry, sometimes I can feel her walking up behind me. It's just, it's just, just pick your battles. That's what every one of my married friends told me. Said, pick your battles. They said it like it was a secret. Top level intel. I was finally allowed to hear it. Pulled me aside, they're like, dude, it's so easy, just pick your battles. It's terrible advice. What does it mean on paper? It means if I only argue my side every once in a while, I get to win that time. No, you don't, you never get to win. There'll be times you think you've won. She might even say, fine, you win. You have no idea how bad you've lost at this point. I don't like the word battles. I don't think that's accurate. Very dramatic. 90% of the things you argue about when you first get married are so dumb. She came up to me one time, come here, you got a peeper. What? You have a peeper. What's a peeper? To hush the white stuff in your eye when you wake up in the morning. Peeper. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life. She's like, why, what do you call it? I was like, sleep? That doesn't make sense. Yeah, it does, that's what it's called. So is that like one side, it's both. Jennifer, you have a piece of sleep in your eye or you have some sleep in your eyes. It's the same word, singular and plural, like deer or fish, right? So we're going back and forth, knowing neither one of us is using the medical term for whatever that stuff is when you wake up in the morning. But my idiot friends are in the back of my head going, dude, you're about to decide what that's called in this house for the rest of your life. You might want to see this one through to the end. So I was like, all right, battle pick, let's dance. This is it, this is the one. I picked this one. I would like to select this battle to be mine. You could have the next 10, 15. I don't know, I was not given a number. I would like to choose this battle. She had no idea what I was talking about. It should have been over right then and there, according to legend. Nope. Two hours later, I say sleep. She says peepers. I'm like, I'm sick of arguing about this. Let's just call somebody else. We get her friend Heather on the phone. Well, I say crusties. You kidding me? It's for your nose. You got a crusty or there's a bat in the cave. We're not even talking about this. So we call my friend Dave. I say eye boogers. I'm a grown man. I'm not going to call him eye boogers. Why didn't I just shut up? Why didn't I just, if I just shut up, I'd be sitting on the couch all by myself playing Call of Duty in a much better mood. What's that, peeper? Oh, I must have missed that this week. Whatever. But you know what we call it? Peepers, you're right. We call it peepers. So what was any of it for? I have no idea.