16 Mins of Comedy on Sibling Rivalries _ Netflix Is A Joke

I don't know what it is about older sisters and their younger brothers. Older sisters love to whoop up on their younger brothers. I don't know why. It's a real thing. She dragged me down the steps the other day. I didn't see it. I heard it. I just heard my son. He was like, Oh God, not again. I was with my brother the other day and I said, Why are you even a parent? I said, You're not very good at it. He said, Chelsea, I had to think about my legacy. I said, Who are you talking to? Is someone behind me? What are you talking... You had to think about your... Who the **** are you to think about your legacy? Who do you think you are? That people are waiting to see what you leave behind on this earth? Your legacy is that you're my ******* brother. My brother's a cop, actually. I don't **** with him. I love him. I love him. I just don't **** with him. Not right now. It's too hot. I only see him Thanksgiving. And even then, I'm like, I'm reaching for the potatoes. He hates that ----. He doesn't find it funny at all. I think it's hysterical. I have a brother. My wife has a brother and a sister. It's been a real education what sisters are like, especially how sisters fight. The way my wife and her sister fight is it escalates so quickly and then is immediately forgotten by both of them. And the only people left to pick up the pieces are those of us unlucky enough to have been there when it went down. This is a very normal argument. A normal fight between my wife and her sister. One of them will say, Hey, when you borrowed my sweater, you stretched out the neck. And the other one will say, You were a slut in high school! And we're like, Whoa! Where is that argument? And then the sister will leave and slam the door and you'll think, Well, we're never going to see her again. And then the next day, the buzzer in the apartment rings and you say, Who's that? And she says, It's my sister. And I'm like, What's your sister doing here? And she's like, She's borrowing a sweater. And I'm like, What about the neck? Did you already forget about the neck? This is a true story about my wife and her sister. When they were five and nine, they were sharing a bowl of guacamole. And one of them, I won't say which one, took the last bite of guacamole and the other one said, Did you take the last bite of guacamole? You are a bitch. And then the one who had taken the bite very calmly looked at her sister dead-eyed, pulled the bowl back, opened her mouth and let the bite of guacamole fall back into the bowl. And the only part, the only part of that story that isn't true is that it happened last week. See, my boys were playing together and my eight-year-old called my eleven-year-old a pussy. And I went, Excuse me, no. Please do not say that to him. That is derogatory to women. And he came marching back into me and he went, Why? I didn't say it to you and he's not a woman. That's so smart. I love watching my boys play together. It reminds me of when I was little. I used to play with my big sister. Her name's Olivia. She's about four years older than me. And I was absolutely obsessed with her when we were growing up. And we were completely different as well. She was all like, Pearl Jam and angst. And I was all like, Spice Girls and Ritalin sandwiches. But I was obsessed with her. And it didn't matter what she did to me either. She once used my head as a step to get into the pool. Just quickly, we had steps to get into the pool. They were fine to use. But she wanted to use my head. So I was in the pool. She stood on my head. And as she dived off, she flicked my head and I went on the side of the pool. Blood went ******* everywhere. And I remember as I was coming up from my blood bath, she was just screaming at me going, Don't tell mom! And I was like, I won't. I won't. Please, please just keep playing with me. Please. When I was a little kid, I didn't get enough attention. I was the third of four kids. I have an older brother and an older sister. When I was three years old, they pulled me aside and they told me that I was adopted. And that my real mother had been murdered by Miss America. They said, if you ask our mom about it, she'll get really upset. So don't ask her if it's true, unless you want to upset her. And they said, if you ask our dad about it, he'll say that we're lying. But he's lying. They thought of every angle. And to compound the stress that I was under, when I was three years old, I thought that Miss America was the Statue of Liberty. And that summer was 1986. In 86, that summer, on the 4th of July, Reagan was president then, and he gave a speech in front of the Statue of Liberty. He was wearing a white shirt and the wind was blowing and he goes, This lady is a great lady. And I was sitting at home like, oh my God. This goes all the way to the top. My older sister is an unemployed lesbian who lives on my mother's property. So I can do whatever I want. Whatever I want. I can take a ---- on this stage right now. And my mom would be like, you bring so much honor to our family. I am so proud of you, my golden child. Door opens. Dad walks through. Mom walks through. And then immediately behind my mom is this little brown girl with a mushroom cut. She just runs up to me and hugs me. And I'm in full hover hands mode because I have no idea who this person is. And basically what happened was my dad would go back and forth to India to visit my mom and during one of his trips he knocked her up. And I had a sister but no one told me about it. Remember how I told you how immigrants love secrets? This is a huge secret that nobody told me. He's like, why aren't you hugging her? Because you brought her out like Maury for immigrants, dad. He was just like, Hasan, you are the brother. I'm like, no, no, no. She's like breakdancing. He's like, where's my bug but I'm like, who the **** are you? She's like, you don't know me. I'm like, I have no idea who you are. I hated that brown girl so much. Can I be honest with you guys? I totally understood the wall. I was like, build that wall. I was like a little Republican. I get it. I remember leveling with my parents at the dinner table. I was like, look, mom, dad, let's just be real. Oh my god, these brown people, oh jeez. Coming into our house. Eating our fruit roll-ups. They don't speak the language. I say we tell them to go back to where they came from. That's just me. He's like, Hasan, you can't say that. We're family. We're all that we have. I'm like, nah, that's on you and mom. Like, you guys decided to get your Angelina Jolie on and bring over this fob and a frock. That's on you. That's not on me. And I don't know what it is, brown mothers, why you do this to your daughters. Every single brown mother makes your daughter quinceanera dress chop cuts. Why? Princess from here down, toad from here up. I got this ---- falling around on the playground. Hasan, bye! I'm like, yo, kid rocks. Now I realized, yeah, that what happens when my mom gets angry, she laughs. But I think it's actually funny in this moment, because you start seeing my mom's build up of anger, yeah? Okay. Okay, alright, so I'll send you to the shop with five pounds, and that's what you got me, okay? Okay, alright. You must become some kind of ******* idiot! So you're telling me you got rice ******* crispies. That's what you're telling me. What did I say to get? Huh? I said rice and some cereal for breakfast, and you came back with rice crispies. So hold on, let me ask you this, yeah? Let me ask you something, yeah? Last night, I was seasoning chicken, and we was gonna have that for dinner. What was I gonna have on the side? Look at my face, and tell me what we was gonna have on the side. Maybe we was gonna have rice crispies. Okay, I'm not gonna lie, I'm gonna go to prison for you kids today. I'm not even gonna lie. I will fully go to prison for these ******* kids today. I'm so mad. I'm so disappointed in you. Where's my change? I don't know. I don't know, mommy. I don't know where it is. Now, at this point of you getting grilled, who wants to get involved? Do you know who wanna get involved? Little siblings, yeah? They want to get involved. They wanna ask for things at a time. You do not ask your mom for anything. We know the trick is ask your mom for things when she is on the phone. Not when she's enraged. But they come hopping in, don't they? These little siblings of yours, yeah? Hello, mommy. Hi, mommy. Oh, hello, mommy. Oh my gosh, I like rice crispies. Hello, Peppa Pig. I like, oh, mommy, can I have some rice crispies? Listen, you kids better move out my face before you all get snap crackled and ******* popped. Move! Move out my face now. I don't like none of you kids. Move out my face. Just consoling your siblings. It's alright, man. Don't worry. Mom loves you. It's alright, man. Little siblings, I didn't even do anything. You shouldn't have got involved. Why did you get involved in the first place? Always getting involved, man. I just wanted rice, rice, rice, rice, rice, crispies. Why are you getting involved? Always involved, man. You're adopted. You know you're adopted. You're adopted. You know that? No, I'm not. No, I'm not. That's what they did to the little siblings. Yeah, you are, man. Look. Look at his toes. Oh, my days. Look at his toes. No. We ain't got them toes. No, it's there. Now, my brothers, they were in the Boy Scouts, which was really intense. They would get dropped off on the top of a mountain with just an egg and a match. That's it. Their troop leader would be like, we'll see you in three days. Bring back an elk. They'd come home all exhausted and dirty. I'd be laying on the couch like, ugh. Samesies. I get it. Girl Scouts is hard too. Do you know how hard it is to sell something everybody wants? Ugh. People keep knocking on my door. Me and my siblings, we all beat the ---- out of each other, you know? And then we all teased the dog, and the dog bit all of us, and we never got rid of the dog. One time the dog bit me in the face. I was ******* with it. It was eating it. I was like, ah, ah, and it just latched onto my face and was like, like that. My dad had to stitch me up and everything. We still didn't get rid of the dog. You know? Ah, he's a good dog. He had a moment. Jesus Christ. Well, Jesus Christ, you shouldn't have put your goddamn face down there near the ******* dog's hair, right? Yeah. So that's all it was. It was like, it was weird. We were like the Brady Bunch meets Lord of the Flies. I text with my sister. We text in Spanish, right? Okay. So the other day I was texting my sister. I'm trying to call her a pendeja. For those of you that don't know, pendeja, it's a term of endearment. Right? You know? Like, it means bitch, but it depends on how you say it, you know? You could be like, bitch, or you could be like, bitch, you know what I mean? I'm more like, hey, bitch, you know? And I text her. I'm like, hey, pendeja. She writes back, why did you call me a pencil? **** me. But I always have felt a little bit like a kid because I'm the youngest in my family. I'm the baby in my family. Yeah. Nick's the baby. Or Nicky's the... No, Nick, you're 44. And you've never gotten a present for a single person in your family. Okay? I put a lot on birth order. I think that's how I ended up becoming a performer because I'm the baby in my family. Who here is the oldest in their family? Yeah. Raising your hands like good boys and girls. Yeah. Yes, and I bear the weight of my birthright. You guys are like Vin Diesel. You think you're the star of the movie, and then all of a sudden they keep adding cast members, and you're like, I didn't realize this was an ensemble, you know? I think it's really hard being the oldest because you have to be the trailblazer. You have to be the one who figures everything out yourself, and then you have to take care of your siblings. My brother, he taught himself to drive stick when he turned 16. When I turned 16, he tried to teach me to drive stick, and I was like, this is hard. I can't charm a clutch, you know? Bye, gonna go somewhere else. My brother showed me every movie that was influential. He showed me every Mel Brooks movie by the time I was 10 years old. He also, yes, he also showed me The Exorcist when I was 5. So anytime I see a girl whose head turns around 360 degrees, I'm like triggered. Do we have any youngest in the crowd tonight? Everybody wants to talk to me. I'm whimsical. I've abandoned three different dogs at mom and dad's house. And if you're a middle child, nobody cares. Shut up. Shut up. Nobody cares. You knew that already, right? You knew that. That's why you choose a partner who's like, your family's fucked up. And you're like, I know! That's why we are the team, right?