15 Minutes of Comedians on Internet Trolls _ Netflix Is A Joke

I go to McDonald's. I'm at the drive-thru, right? I want a Big Mac meal. I haven't had a Big Mac in the longest time. I'm so excited for this ******* Big Mac. Oh my God, I can't wait to get this Big Mac. I get the Big Mac. I'm so excited. I pull over in the McDonald's parking lot. I start ******* the Big Mac up. Smashing it all over my face. Everything. I'm happy as hell. I turn to my left. It's a woman outside the window taping me. She said, got your ass. I got nervous. What the **** is you doing, lady? She said, mm-mm, but I got your ass. What the **** you mean, got my ass? What am I doing? I'm so nervous, I dropped the burger. I just dropped the ******* burger. I grabbed my phone. I went to Twitter. I issued an apology via social media. I said, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The reason why I apologized is because two days earlier, I announced that I was going plant-based full-time. I just said it. This video was detrimental to everything that I stood for at the moment. I had to issue an apology to the plant-based community. Became an ally. Made a donation. Was a part of a protest. I had to do what I could. Stood by the side of cows. Took pictures. It was a lot. I don't like what you guys have made me become, man. I don't like it. I'm no longer comfortable. You switched it on me. ****. You switched it on me, man. For the longest time, celebrities looked at people as the weird people. That motherfuckers get weird sometimes, man. People get weird. That's how we looked at people. You switched it. We're the weird people now. You look at us like, what the **** is wrong with him? We're the motherfucking acting public? Hey, man, why you staring at me? What's going on, man? I think everybody knows. Get your hands out your pockets. What's happening, man? Come on. The **** you about to do to me, man? You about to eat me, ain't you? Come on, man. What the **** are you talking about, Kevin? Ain't nobody worried about your ass? Bullshit. Look at that guy's looking at me in his goddamn glasses, man. I know somebody thinks I'm dinner when I see it. They trying to eat me up in here. My mom made a fake Twitter account to defend me from trolls. Aw. It's always aw when it's not your mom. You realize that? Someone else's mom. Aw. When it's your mom, you're like, **** you! So she made this fake Twitter account to defend me online like a couple years ago, okay? The username was JoeSmith1355, right? That's very smart. That is not her name. But she's a mom, right? And she doesn't know how Twitter works. So the username might have been JoeSmith1355. But the profile name was Amy Davidson. Icing on top, profile picture, also Amy Davidson. So I'm reading hate tweets one night while I masturbate to make myself stronger. And I was scrolling through, and I see this one account defending me left and right. Now, back in the day when you used Twitter on Safari, you didn't see the profile name or the picture. You just saw the username. So I'm reading all these tweets, and people are being very mean, but JoeSmith1355 defending me left and right. I was reading all these nice tweets about me. JoeSmith1355. It was to the point I was like, this is why I do this. Thank you, JoeSmith1355. You know? And then I was reading all these tweets, and then there was one tweet that was too specific. And I literally said out loud, this is my mom. Which is a weird thing to say, mid-jerk. And then I have to finish after that. I'm like, after this, I'm gonna call her. I knew right away, this was the tweet. The hate tweet was, Pete Davidson is gay. JoeSmith1355 writes, actually, he's not. He may have thought he was gay as a child because of Leonardo DiCaprio. Take a nap, hater. I call my mom. I go, JoeSmith1355? She goes, what gave it away? Oh, your profile name and picture are of you. And she goes, ah, Terry. Which means my mom made a Twitter account with her 79-year-old female friend, Terry. And Terry was calling the shots. Not to get off on a ******* tangent, dude. This is not even related, but you know what? I got so much ---- from the Asian community, man. For the first hangover, that was controversial at that time, like 10 years ago. Because seriously, I had ******* Asian haters, dude. Dude, Asian haters on the internet, they're the ******* worst, dude. White trolls are bad, but Asian trolls, they're the stickiest, dude. No, no, for real. This is a real comment. I'm not making this up. This is a real comment from, this is a real comment from someone on Reddit and it's still up there, all right? You can look it up. Ken, if I ever see you in public, I will choke you within a few seconds from death with my bare hands. **** you, you piece of ----, do anything for a dollar whore. And that was my mom, all right? I tell you, these ******* Asian haters, man, they hate themselves, dude. They ******* hated the fact I had a thick accent and I had a small penis. Dude, I was born with that ----. That's not a stereotype. That's ******* real to me. Apologize for that, Maria. What do I say, me so sorry? I don't know what to say. My God, dude. I get so much ---- from the hangover. I did a lot of social justice in the hangover. I was a social justice warrior in that ----. Think about that. I jumped out of a trunk and beat up the white man three times, all right? I was on Twitter and I saw a picture of this guy and he was retiring from the military and when he retired, he posted a picture of himself, full military uniform, all of his medals, but he was wearing a furry mask, like a sexual dog mask. And he posted it, he said, now that I'm retiring from the military, I can come out and say, I've been into pup play this entire time. And he tweeted, he said, Officer Bow Wow out. And he said, it said like hashtag service dog. It was rough. It was an accident. But he tweeted it. So of course, Russia and China's Twitter, they got a hold of it. They started talking ----. You know, they were like, look at our military. It was a bunch of like jacked, skinhead dudes. They were like, look at America's military. It was like transgender people, the dog general. And they were making fun of us. They were making memes. They were like, look how tough and masculine our army is. Look how weak and gay America is. But I was looking at the pictures and I was like, dog general's the scariest soldier I've ever *******, I've ever imagined in my, dude, just some sexual freak operating drones that thinks he's a ******* dog. Just, oh, how scary that guy is. Big villages, oh, oh. That guy's terrifying. The gayer the army, the scarier. Forever. Dude, throughout history. Think of any army throughout history. Imagine them gay. Gay Nazis. Just when you thought those guys couldn't look any sharper. They, ****. You know, as a comedian, you get a lot of feedback online. Sometimes people are nice, but other times they're like, instead of doing comedy, I wish you were made of bees, you know, or whatever it is. This is one of the meanest comments I've gotten. Jesus Christ, you're perhaps the ugliest human on the planet, but then again, I haven't left the planet. Again, I enjoy this one because there's an introspective shift. We're ugly, but then what have I done with my life? And I do love a troll that's not afraid to self-reflect. This next one is an Instagram comment that continues to haunt me. I still have no answers. She just writes, that's so true, Doug. Who's Doug? Answers, and we're never gonna get them. Well, I actually have a poem for you. Okay, it's a YouTube comment on one of my stand-up videos that I memorized. It goes, woman literally only funny when on testosterone and pretending to be a man. Well, that didn't work for Hannah Dykesby, but China Boy here actually really funny. Great job, they. Who's uniting the country now, bitch? I try to put out positivity, so when it comes back to me, it means so much. I try not to focus on negative stuff. I try to surround myself with positive things. I try not to read negative comments, but in a job like mine, you do hear from a lot of people, and I don't see everything, but occasionally, a turd will get through. And I happened to see this message on that day that was sent to me directly, and I wanted to read that message to you guys, if that's okay. Yes! All right. It's from a guy named Gary, and I will preface it with, you are not going to like this message, but we are going to unpack it together. So here is what Gary wrote to me on the day it was announced that I got married. He said, how long have you and your wife been mentally ill, taco-licking lesbians who should be put in Alcatraz? I was like, wow. That is very specific. There was no grammar in that message, by the way. He was like, mentally ill, taco-licking. I'm like, I think he means mentally ill, comma, taco, hyphen. You guys get it. Already I'm doing him favors. And I guess I was bored on this particular day because I was like, I just got to see what this person looks like. Who sends a message like this to a complete stranger? So I went on his page, and he did not have a picture of himself. It was a picture of an American flag, and written across of it, it said, we need God in America again. That is what Gary leads with on Instagram. And then that was the message that he sent me. And I was like, I don't know that God would be into the phrase, taco-licking. Call me crazy, which he did. But that did not sound very Christ-like to me. By the way, there is nowhere in the Bible where it says what you can or cannot do with your Mexican food, just so you know. I'm a proud Puerto Rican. And, you know, so when I tweet, I tweet from the point of view of a Puerto Rican person. And people get mad. Unfortunately, people get upset at that. You know, white people, they always get mad. You know, how could you say that? Because the problem is, it's like, you know, you can't get away with jokes like that anymore if you're white on social media. No, you have to reflect. You're a bad person, Chris. You've done things. You're bad. So, but I don't feel that way. You know, like I said, I'm a proud Latino. And I said, I said, look, I tweeted. I said, listen, I said, if I was President Joe Biden, the first thing I would have did is made AOC the head of the CIA because nobody looks through phones like Latina women. That's what I said. And then this guy, Ryan, this dumb white piece of ----, Ryan, you know, this guy started tweeting at me. He was like, you're racist. How could you say that? I'm like, say what, the truth? I mean, why would you have old white men in the CIA at this point? I mean, seriously, if you really cared about national security, you would have the CIA be made up 100% of Latina women, and then you get them into relationships with suspected terrorists? Let me tell you something, okay? Those terrorists would get away with cero, okay? Cero, cero, cero. It's not going to happen, papi. Trust me, I know, okay? She has microphones in my shoelaces right now. She says she's not here, but I smell the adobo and it makes me nervous, and then my psoriasis flares up. I'm getting very itchy. Do you remember when they announced the live-action Beauty and the Beast? And they said that in the live-action Beauty and the Beast, there was going to be a gay character. Oh, the right-wing fundamentalist Christians weren't happy. They were like, you can't have that in a Disney movie, a man loving another man. It's not natural. Not natural. That film is about a woman ******* a wildebeest. Yeah, I mean, to be fair, I don't think I've taken that directly from the Disney Plus description. That's got to stop, hasn't it? Grown adults getting wound up about cartoons. It just happened with The Little Mermaid. Live-action Little Mermaid, they announced the actress playing Ariel is mixed-race. Oh, racist Twitter wasn't happy. You can't have that. You can't have a mixed-race Ariel. She's a mermaid. She is the most mixed-race character that has ever been conceived. From the waist down, she's mixed grill. I wasn't even the worst. The worst was the tweet. It had thousands of retweets. Some racist troll that was trying to play the science card. How desperately sad are you that you're trying to bring science into this discussion? He was like, it's not even scientifically possible, right? Because how, how, would enough sunlight get down to the bottom of the ocean for the Little Mermaid's skin to produce the melanin? Oh, I don't know. Why don't we ask for talking crap? Don't think you two are going to get along because he appears to be a Rastafarian. It's made-believe. Who ******* cares? With that said, I guess the only thing they should have updated is the ending, right? If Ariel is going to be mixed-race, it probably can't be happily ever after. If Ariel is mixed-race, she's probably got to marry the prince and then get harangued by the British press and run away to do a Netflix documentary.