Experimenting with Heterosexuality _ Adrienne Fish _ Stand Up Comedy

What's up, friends? You guys good? You guys sound fantastic. This is great. I am doing it. This is so sweet. We're in a castle. Like, this is... Stand-up is dope. It is my full-time job. It is my full-time ding-dong. And I love it. It is tough. It's tough because I'm my own boss. And let me tell you guys, I run a pretty loose ship. I'm like, okay, I should work on my set. I got a really big show tonight. But I'm like, ah, but I love mushrooms, you know. It's like, how do you combine them? You do. It's a little weird for me right now. I'm like, stop looking at me. No. And I know I have a lot of distractions in my life as well. I just moved into a new pad and I got a shower with a detachable shower head. Ladies. Goddamn. I love popping one off with the water pressure from a shower. It's so nice. It's so nice, isn't it? You can't do it often. You can't do it a lot. Because it's a lot of water. I kind of feel like it's everything that's wrong with the Western world in one moment. It zooms in on the disparity, you know. It's like, oh, how much clean drinking water do we have? Yeah, we have like... I'm doing good, though. We're in a lunge. I have been an out-and-proud lesbian for the past... Thanks. Thanks, mom. I'm a lesbian. I don't work construction. I lick that puss. Yeah, I have been an out-and-proud lesbian for the past 25 years. I was counting. I was like, it's been 25 years. I was like, oh, ----. But thanks. Ready for this plot twist? Casa Loma. One guy? Good. Great. I recently started dating men. Yeah, that's the general reaction I often get. People don't like it. People do not like it. They're like, and I don't know what happened. I don't. I do. I went to a conversion therapy camp. No, it's crazy. Sucking two dicks a day now, mom. But how can they tell? How can they tell when you've graduated camp? Are they like, do they hold a sports bra up? And they're like, sports bra and underwire. And you're like, sports bra, like, get back to camp. Like, I don't know. How do they know? I don't know. And people don't like it. People do not like it. Like, I was young when I came out. I was 17. I was 16 when I realized I was gay. I saw Ross kiss Rachel on Friends. And my first thought was like, oh my god, Ross is so lucky. And I was like, well, that's gay. And I've been licking puss ever since. But at 17 is when I came out. And I was nervous. You know, I was young. And I was like, carefully telling my friends. I was like, I'm a lesbian. I'm a lesbian. And like, no one gave a ----. No one cares. They're like, yeah, that's cool. Like, love is love. Be yourself. Like, people are stoked. I tell people now, like, I don't know. Like, I might be into men. They're like, oh, the **** you are. No one likes it. And I get it. Like, I get it. Like, I am praying. I am praying. This is a phase. And I grow out of this dumb bullshit. Because the conversations I have with dudes, like, god damn, there are some dumb motherfuckers out there. Like, it's insane. It's insane. I don't know how you're doing that, ladies. Like, OK, like, when I go on a date with a dude, I always like to let them know. I'm like, just so you know, I've always dated women. That's my preference. But I'm just kind of, like, exploring men. And guys are like, OK. OK. So I'm the chosen dick. It's like, no, man. You're not the chosen dick. Like, I don't need your dick. I have my own dick, right? I have my own dick. It's a strap-on. 7 and 1 half inches. Nice girth. Feels good. Don't talk about brother. Chubs. But guys are like, no, it's not the same thing. And you're all kind of thinking it. Like, I can feel you kind of. It's not the same. And it's true. It's true. It's not the same thing. But here is the difference, the very real difference, between my dick and your dick, sir. And your dick, and your dick, and all your dicks, OK? Whip them out. No, OK. I think that's how you do it. OK, so your dicks. I also did this joke. At an old age home. Anyways, it's a different story. But OK, here we go. Your dicks ejaculate. And that ----, it's ******* gross, man. It's gross. Like, I'm new to the game. And like, what are we doing here, ladies? What are we doing? It's crazy. There is birth control. How is there not jizz control? How is that not a thing, where it's like, oh, sparkles, or like, confetti, or like, glitter. OK, what if it whistled? I don't know how this would work. But if it was like, hee, hee, hee, hee, like two different sizes. Like, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee. Not circumcised? Hee, I don't know. Or a song? I don't know. OK, what if a song came out? Like, what if a guy's like, oh my god, I'm going to cum. And it's like, come on, Aline. And everyone's like, ah! OK, I was taking on Aline. I was ******* this dude. Or he was ******* me. Things were going in and out. OK, and I think that's how it works. And OK, and he jizzed on me, which like, I get it. It's the finale, and it's fair game. I did the thing, you know the thing that you're supposed to do, ladies? We go, ha, ha, ha, you know the thing? Right? Where you're like, ha, ha, ha. And the guy's like, ha, ha, ha, you're like, ha, ha, ha. Yummy, yummy, yummy. I love a matame. OK, I did it. And I sold the performance. I was like, ah! OK, but then, OK, and stop me if I'm wrong here. But then, OK, he started rubbing it around, right? Like, I'm like his own little, like, toaster strudel. He's like, ah, it's nice and even. And then he started putting paper towel on me. I'm like, is this paper mache? Like, what the ****? What are we doing here, boss? It was around the time. It was actually the start of COVID. That's when I started dating men. Which everyone's got these theories about, like, COVID. What it was? Where we at? What our government? I don't know. I think the government was trying to make us all straight. Yeah, right? Let me tell you, I wasn't sucking dick till I got the second vax, you tell me. You tell me, Pfizer. I know, world's going to ----. Might as well suck a dick. No, I don't think the world's going to ----. I don't like having that. Attitude. You know, I think politics are insane right now. Politics are insane. And my dad wants me to get into politics. He wants me to be the mayor of Toronto. Legit, legit. Oh, sweet. This is our first meeting. Is it a meeting? And another thing, dicks. It's amazing. He legit texts me all the time. He's like, you should be the mayor. You know the Ukrainian president, Zelensky? Yeah, he used to be a comedian. Right? So now my dad, he's like, this is it. Pivot. It's a testament to my dad. My dad's a beautiful man. I got a dope dad because he believes in me. And I've given him no reason to believe that I should be the mayor in any capacity. I gave him a tough go. It was not easy being my dad. I had a cocaine addiction at 18, which landed me on the streets for like a hot minute. I slammed a U-Haul into a liquor store. I couldn't afford the damages. So I had to flee the city. I was living out east in Halifax. I fleed the city. I moved back to Toronto. I started a career in stand-up. And my dad's like, yeah, you're the mayor, 110%. That's my daddy. I know, I know that I've had, you know, I've done some things in my life that, you know, drugs and all that ----. But I don't regret even addictions, even where it took me. And, you know, I don't regret any of it. Because I think that's life. I think that's what this beauty is all about. This beautiful life that we're living, you know. And I've heard that, I read somewhere recently that in 4.7 billion years, the sun is gonna evaporate the earth. Right, right? So like, none of it, none of it, none of this matters. Not in a way that's like, none of it matters. But like, cut the camera. But I don't, none of it matters. This is all for play. This is just for play, you know. It's Friday night. Get out there. Jizz on someone. Rub it all over. No gizmo ----. Free Palestine. I've been Adrienne Fish. Peace and love.