Chuck Schumer's Strange Imaginary Friends Exposed

Just for our own sanity, let's move from the actions of Israel and the Israel apologists to the guy whose job it is to make sure that the left stays pro-Israel. We will win. And it seems, oh, and it's also his other job is to be the most powerful elected Democrat in the country and lead the opposition. Oppose fascism, you know, but that's an afterthought. He's got two jobs. It's all right. We can multitask. Yeah, I mean, we can chew gum and walk at the same time. We can support Zionism and fight fascism at the same time. But can he chew gum and walk at the same time? Because I saw a Gallup poll that says, you know what, 8% of Democrats support Israel's military action. So he's failing both at his real job and also at his stated job. Sometimes you can not chew gum and not walk at the same time. And that is what Choke and Trip has mastered. And apparently his secret sauce that has carried him throughout his life has been found. What's the name of the show? John Oliver Show. Last Week Tonight. Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. But I actually want to talk less about Chuck Schumer himself and more about two of his favorite people, Joe and Eileen Bailey. They're a couple that throughout Schumer's career, he has talked about a lot. They're a middle class couple in Massapequa, which is a suburb on Long Island. Joe and Eileen Bailey, this middle class couple, they bought into Reagan republicanism in 1980. Joe and Eileen are worried about losing their jobs or their friends jobs. Bailey's really don't believe in trickle down. They don't believe in a whole lot of government spending, but they believe in tax breaks for kids to go to college. He's an insurance adjuster and lives in the New York suburbs. By New York standards, he makes $50,000 a year. If he lived in the middle of the country, he'd make $40,000. Wife works in a medical office. She makes about $20,000. She might make $15,000 elsewhere. And, you know, I have guided my political life through the Bailey's. The Bailey's have guided Chuck Schumer's political life, which is a little weird given they don't exist. Seriously, he invented them. Schumer first introduced the world to the Bailey's in his 2007 book, Positively American, winning back the middle class majority one family at a time. In it, he mentions the Bailey's an astonishing 265 times in 264 pages. But he'd apparently been talking about them for years before the book was published. One of his former spokespeople said he's always asking, what would the Bailey's think? And to be fair, Schumer acknowledges that some may find this a little weird. If you ask my staff, I've been talking about and talking to the Bailey's for 15 years. I have conversations with them. One of my staffers once said I had imaginary friends to the press. Got me in some trouble. But these people are real, and I respect them, and I really love them, and I care about them. OK, sure, but they're literally not real, Chuck. But even if you can understand the potential utility of creating a prototypical voter in your head, this goes way beyond that. Because Schumer's given the Bailey's an unnecessarily detailed backstory. For instance, he said Joe takes off his cap and sings along with the national anthem before the occasional Islanders game. OK. And when their daughter Megan, oh yeah, they've got kids, by the way, told Eileen a friend was caught cheating on a quiz, Eileen was appalled because lying is not tolerated in the house ever. Also, Eileen apparently helps with the clothing drive at her church, and her father had a prostate cancer scare a few years ago. Again, this is a made up family. None of these people exist. But wait, I'm still not done. Apparently Joe Bailey would never have a goatee. They watch Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives, though Joe pretends not to. Well, I think you're not being very fair. I did have a conversation with the Bailey's about Israel, and it went something like this. We must protect Israel. And they said, yes, we must protect Israel. And I'm like, open, shut case. There it is. We don't need to discuss it anymore. So there it is. The specificity of it is freely. I mean, it's like any other concerns, Joe? No. OK, well, then I guess my work here is done. These people go viral because they're like, believe in an AI as sort of some prophet and guru that's entered their life. Like, this is just what Chuck Schumer did with the Bailey's. Yeah. Didn't even need the data center for it. Well, I don't know. I like how the Bailey's are from Massapequa. I know this is silly, but I just watched that documentary on the Go-Go Beach serial killer. He was an architect that worked in Manhattan and lived in Massapequa. Oh, they knew him. They knew him. No. He was friends. I mean, I. You know, Joe Bailey's mistress was slaughtered. Exactly. The waitress that Joe used to flirt with was murdered by. Yeah, it was horrible. Absolutely horrible. That's why we can't allow Mom Donny to defund these police. Right. Exactly. I mean, I was going with Mr. Bailey being the serial killer. Well, OK. That's what informs his Israel policy, Chuck Schumer. When I was in a jam two years ago with Joe Manchin, Joe was very helpful. He said, just hold his coat. Hold his coat. And it didn't work out. But Joe Manchin always looked very sharp. It's convenient that the Bailey's never asked for anything more than, like, the Chuck Schumer. Oh, no, they don't want no material benefits. They just want a fair shake. That's it. They just want to feel like they're getting a fair shake. So that's what I'm getting, a fair shake. And the best thing for us to do, this is what Eileen said, too, was nothing. It'll work out, she said. I asked Eileen, I said, what should we do? And she said, it'll work out. That's what Eileen's father with prostate cancer needed, a fair shake. Exactly. Don't worry, it'll work out. Get it? It'll work out. Thanks, Brian. Everything works itself out. That's what Eileen said. And that's what I'm trying to do. Just sit back. Let it all work out. What kind of bull is this? Except for the Iran deal. That might not work. That's why we got to step up. Taco Trump. No side deals. Bailey's are way too honest. The Bailey's want to bring back the monarchy in Iran. No side guacamole for Taco Trump. Huh? I came up with that myself. There's layers to that a little bit. No. A lot of self-censoring going on in that pause. I mean, maybe John Oliver's an M.R. fan. Well, anybody who's followed any— Shout out to the producer. Yeah. They went deep. They must have pdf'd Bailey's in that book and been like, there's 300 fines, whatever. 265 out of 264 pages. Unbelievable. Crossy Gnome. The more Sam mimics Schumer, the more Peterson he becomes. It's slightly different, but I'm not sure they're terribly different. No. That's why. I have a limited range of impressions I can do. And that's part of the function.