Her only competition: why men end up in bad relationships

I'm Dr. Orion Terriban, and this is Psych Hacks, Better Living Through Psychology. And the topic of today's short talk is, her only competition. So the idea I'm going to present to you now, ladies and gentlemen, will help you make sense of a great many intersexual relationships. It's gonna sound a little strange in the beginning, but once you sit with it for a while, it will explain much of what would otherwise remain incomprehensible about why certain men and women get and stay together. Here it is. When it comes to intersexual relationships, a woman's only true competition is not another woman. It's not a man's friends, or family, or hobbies, or interests. A woman's only true competition in a relationship is a man's solitude. Let's examine this further. When I say that a woman's only true competition is a man's solitude, it means that a man will continue to choose a given relationship as long as it continues to provide value over and above what he can produce in his own company. This one observation explains a lot. For example, it explains why so many men get involved with ratchet, low-value women. Why do they do this? Because they hate their own solitude. This is not quite the same thing as having low self-esteem, whatever that means. It means they cannot be with themselves. Their thoughts are too loud. They find their own presence boring and detestable. Like schoolchildren who will jump at any excuse, any distraction, to not complete their homework, men who despise their own solitude will latch onto the slightest possibility of a relationship with a woman, almost irrespective of the woman. It pulls him out of himself, a self that he finds unbearable. Do you understand? No matter how difficult or frustrating he finds being with her, he finds being with himself even more loathsome. It doesn't matter if she nags him. She can't possibly pester him as much as he does himself. It doesn't matter if she criticizes him. She won't be nearly as cruel as he is to himself. It doesn't even matter if she neglects him, as he turned away from himself years ago. If anything, her negative presence constitutes a break from his own unremitting self-hatred. And that, despite what it looks like from the outside, is what keeps him coming back to even toxic and abusive relationships. But hopefully, dear listener, that's not you, right? However, that doesn't mean we're done here. The same principle holds true as a man begins to like himself more. As a man begins to improve his life, he necessarily begins to make good use of his solitude. He uses this time for deep focus and personal development. Undistracted, he can build his business, take care of his body, and invest in his own well-being. This isn't simply about becoming materially successful, though obviously that doesn't hurt. There are still plenty of men who dive into work the way low-value men dive into women, that is, as escapes from themselves. But the more a man begins to value his own presence, the more he enjoys his own company, the more valuable his solitude becomes. And this raises the bar with respect to the women he invites into his life. In short, spending time with them has to be better than spending time with himself, because he knows what he can accomplish when left to his own devices. If you're interested in taking your understanding to the next level, I would encourage you to check out The Captain's Quarters. Your monthly membership will get you access to a cadre of like-minded, supportive individuals, bi-monthly group consultation sessions hosted by yours truly, and exclusive content that you won't find anywhere else. Click the link in the description for more information. Hope to see you aboard. This process generally follows a fairly predictable progression. As a man first comes to tolerate his own company, as he cleans up his critical inner voice and destructive tendencies so that there is little negative about his experience himself, he naturally begins to eschew disrespect and game-playing and flakiness and drama. This, and only this, is what truly gatekeeps, is what keeps low-value women out of a man's life. It's not therapy, per se. It's not appropriate boundaries, which, like New Year's resolutions, work until they don't. It's a preference for his own uncomplicated company that effortlessly keeps certain women out of his ambit. It is the quality of his relationship with himself that largely determines the quality of the women with whom he relates. But we can go even further. Just like tolerance of the self is not the highest relationship a man can have with himself, the mere absence of negative attributes is not the most desirable relationship a man can have with a woman. As a man comes to enjoy his own company, to deeply value his own solitude, it becomes increasingly more difficult for him to prefer the company of others. And this is a general statement. It applies to friends and family as much as it applies to women. At this point, it's not enough that relationships simply not be negative. They need to provide positive value in order to compensate the man for tearing himself away from his own solitude. They need to be pleasurable or fulfilling or helpful or meaningful. Ideally, these relationships generate value over and above that which the man can produce on his own. However, as a man's solitude becomes more and more valuable, this becomes an increasingly more difficult standard for his relationships to meet. And that is okay. You are not meant to relate to everyone indiscriminately. You are meant to fill your life with pleasant and satisfying relationships. And you cannot have those types of relationships with anyone. Trust me, the more you populate your network in general and your inner circle in particular with relationships of this sort, the more your overall quality of life will improve. On some level, it's kind of not possible to have a good life if your relationships suck. But your relationships might suck because you'll tolerate everyone and anyone. And you'll do this because even bad relationships produce more value than your terrible relationship with yourself does. In any case, that is a woman's true competition, her man's solitude. It's not money, power, or opportunity that changes this. I know plenty of rich, handsome men who are wrapped around some low-value woman's little finger. It is what a man can do on his own that sets the standard for the relationships he is willing to entertain. And a man who enjoys his own solitude sets a very high bar indeed. What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below. And please, send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from its message because it's word-of-mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow. And anyone looking to join my free weekly newsletter for which I write original content or book a paid one-on-one consultation with yours truly can do so on my website. You can also get your hands on my book, my best-selling book, The Value of Others, in which I deeply explore the underlying dimensions of sexual relationships. And there's also my member community, The Captain's Quarters, where I host live, bimonthly group consultations and host Q&As with invited guests from all over the internet. The links to everything are in the description below. Please check them out. A lot of great value there. As always, I appreciate your support. And thank you for listening.