PragerU Live: Family Psychologist John Rosemond (6/12/17)

everyone this is Elicia Krauss at the new and improving prageru headquarters in Los Angeles thanks so much for tuning in to this edition of prageru live don't forget that our lives and our videos are always free because of generous donors like yourself so please consider donating today even $5 makes a huge difference especially to reach young Millennials like myself who uh are the majority of our audience today we are really excited to be joined by nationally syndicated columnist and a best-selling author of parenting books he's also a twice prigger you presenter today he talks about how to get your kids to listen which I know lots of parents heading into summer break are going to be uh really riveted and paying attention to I've even shared it with friends of mine that are single and don't have kids and they're like oh my God this is so true I love this John rosan John thanks so much for being with us today oh thanks for inviting me it's truly truly my pleasure I appreciate it so your first video for prageru talked about the power of vitamin n and I think that there uh should be watched probably in conjunction by the way that has almost three million views on our prer you.com so people should go check it out and today's video you talk about how to get your kids to listen but it was almost more about obeying uh is listening a part of obeying well um I don't know that I use the term listen um but I think in the in the vernacular the current parenting vernacular to listen for a child to listen means uh or is equivalent to obedience so um I think that uh yeah what I was talking about uh what I am talking about on that latest prageru video is how to get kids to obey um I travel the country nine months a year uh pretty well coincides with the school year and my guys as a public speaker on parenting and Family Matters and um I don't hide in the green room before the talk and I'm and I don't retire to The Green Room afterwards I'm out in the lobby and talking to people and this is the way I keep what I call a finger on the pulse of parenting in America so I claim and I think it's probably a legitimate claim to talk to more parents on an annual basis about child raring matters than anybody else in the United States and the number one question is how do I get my kids to obey it's phrased of course in a multitude of ways but it all comes down to that John we can't get our children to listen we can't get our children to do what they're told um and uh how can we accomplish that and uh so therefore the prageru video which uh when you guys were discussing the various topics with me m i felt like a video on obedience was probably uh more needed than anything else along with vitamin n of course but so at what point then I'm I'm a mother of a three and a halfy old I'm eight months pregnant with my second and at what point do you think a child should be able to understand and comprehend and at what point should parents really start instilling the necessity for their child to obey what they say uh children can understand fundamental instruction as young as 12 months which um most parents underestimate the ability of children because the child isn't usually talking by 12 months they they don't think that communication is possible but it very definitely is it may be more of a one-way communication but the child by age 12 months understands fundamental instructions um let let's face it alici a dog by the age of 6 months a puppy can understand fundamental instructions so ask yourself why not a much more intelligent human being so you think that parents should start instilling in their children the necessity to obey as as young as a year old well I think parents should begin expecting obedience as young as 12 months yes but but remember at the age of 12 months we're talking about just fundamental instructions um sit down uh hold my hand things like that um but yes I think that the earlier you begin expecting obedience now that's different from the way you phrased it you said instilling in their children and I would use the word expect and maintain is a qualitative difference there yes so when do you start instilling it you should you just said that you should start expecting it around 12 months so when should parents start instilling it in their children what do you mean by instilling so what point do I so when my daughter was six months old I stressed like please and thank you even though she couldn't say please and thank you so then when she started talking a little bit after a year she already knew that please and thank you were things that I expected of her correct so I started instilling it in her at at 6 months old so it was but what steps can parents and even grandparents because I mean let's face it a lot of grandparents watching today are I think also a whole family is a part of a child's discipline uh and and how they are raised to obey so what steps can those parents and grandparents take and at what age to make sure that down the line when they're expecting obedience from their child they've already put in the effort and the work that's necessary to get them to obey well you know model describing uh things like that but when uh when people are talking about how do I get my child to obey it's usually a child who's um two and a half and older who pretty well understands most things that you're communicating 98% of the things that you're communicating and uh is also responding verbally to your instructions and the decisions that you make and that's where that to me is where the parenting rubber if you will hits the road that's where parents begin having difficulty um because today's parents to cut to the chase believe that obedience is all a matter or obtaining obedience from a child is all a matter of using consequences correctly which is a post 1960 understanding of the disciplinary process um discipline may involve using consequences at times but that is not fundamentally how you get a child to pay attention to you and to do what you tell him to do I noticed that one of the things and it's fascinating to me because I felt like it always kind of bothered me when I would see teachers or people in Authority um specifically parents kind of get on eye level with the child and explain to little Bobby why he shouldn't have done what he just did on the playground and how it hurts someone else's feelings and you break that down in this video and you say part of a way to get a child to obey you is making them look up to you uh can you explain that a little bit well figuratively uh and literally children need to look up to adults and uh the the um one of the things that I tell people that it sort of Pops their eyes wide open when I say it is that you need to act like a superior being and be because show no signs of weakness well that's not exactly it uh it's not lording it over the child it's not being threatening it's simply acting like a superior being and of course if you really understand what that means then you understand that that means you are calm you are relaxed you are easygoing you are matter of fact uh you're not stressed at all um but one of the things that is involved in acting like Superior being is speaking to children from a fully upright position the um the idea that parents should get down to their children's level when they speak to them um and that being a somehow a sign of respect MH um or a means of communicating to the child that he doesn't have to obey because you're bigger um that idea became rooted in America's parenting culture in the 1970s and the early 1980s as far as I can tell tracing it back and if you look at the posture the parent is in a pleading posture he looks like or she looks like uh she's one movement away from being down on her knees in front of the king and because the body posture is pleading uh 99.99% of the time if you listen to what the parent is saying if you listen to their tone of voice it is a pleading tone of voice and it always or almost always ends with okay with a question mark Billy it would really help mommy out if you would it it's it's asking it's suggesting and I keep saying to parents look that that in and of itself is the problem you're not communicating from that posture you're not communicating in that tone of voice you're not communicating with your words anything more than a suggestion you lead off with an explanation honey my girlfriend is come back from vacation and wants to show me her pictures and she'll coming she's coming over and she'll be here in 10 minutes and I want to serve her coffee and pastries and talk to her in this room and it would really help mommy out if you would pick up these toys and move them somewhere else will you do that for Mommy okay yeah you talked about I mean that was almost 50 words right there and in the video You also mentioned to use 10 words instead of 50 because explaining to a child it it is going to create an environment of them then questioning you which leads to an inevitable argumentative child yeah you see most of the stuff came out of the 60s and 70s the psychological community and I am a psychologist and I know this very well I was there when it was happening um in Graduate School uh the psychological Community maintained that children should be given reasons when parents gave instructions or made decisions communicated decisions and what I have subsequently discovered both with my own children and uh through work with other parents is that explanations lead almost invariably to argument the child grabs a hold of the explanation and begins to figuratively shake it trying to find some weakness in the explanation so using the example I just gave the child is likely to come back with but I was here first why do I have to move and besides you won't let me in here and you should have to follow the same rules no I'm not going to move you should meet with your girlfriend in the kitchen and that and the parent comes to me at a speaking engagement and says John I've got an argumentative child and I go no you don't no you don't I already know what the problem is oh what's the problem you're explaining yourself well isn't that what I'm supposed to do right this is what the psychological Community said beginning in the late 1960s and this has become this idea has become embedded in America's parenting culture but today's parents they don't understand and especially Millennial age parents uh you know all on up to age 45 don't understand that prior to the 1960s parents didn't give explanations and I keep saying to parents you are not obligated to justify your authority to your children your Authority is natural so whenever my three and a half-year-old asks why it's totally okay for me to say because I said so absolutely that though that is what you should say okay not not is it okay for me to say Eli you should you should say that and what is that it is nothing more than an affirmation of the legitimacy of your Authority it shouldn't be screamed it shouldn't be snored it shouldn't be said with a paddle or a belt in your hand you know it's just well because I said so know it's just relaxed and and it I keep saying to parents look you you're under a lot of stress parenting has become the single most stressful thing a woman will do in her entire adult life so gosh hash mommy Wars pardon me I said hash mommy Wars I'm not yeah I'm not familiar with that but is that some sort of Twitter thing I I don't well it's just it's the judgment and the thought pieces of like women judging other women and how they mother and whether they work or whether they stay at home or whether they bottle or whether they breastfeed whether they had a C-section or natural birth it's it's a thing oh I call I call it the good mommy Club you know the good momy CL and it's it's defined by a set of Doctrine and one of the doctrine is you will explain yourself to your child and one of the doctrine is that you will not say because I said so and one of the is you will bend over into this ridiculous position when you talk to your child and so on and so forth but uh the the government says because I said so to me I'm an you know I'm a self-employed the says because I said so to me four times a year M the government's uh the the uh you know various government agencies say because I said so to me all the time it when I was not self-employed my employer said because I said so and I don't mean they use these words these four words I mean that people in position of legitimate Authority do not feel the need to justify their authority to the people over whom they have legitimate Authority and the same is true parents parents out there who are listening to this look your Authority is natural your Authority is legitimate you would make the ultimate sacrifice for your child dig this your child would not make the ultimate sacrifice for you this is not a relationship between equals you are the superior being in the relationship your child's life and well-being depends on you because I said so is nothing more than an affirmation of the legitimacy of your Authority and by the way the research done by Diana band at the University of California is clear that obedient children are the happiest children well I can't think of a better way to wrap up this PR you live with John Roseman thank you so much I've definitely learned a lot I'm sure our viewers have as well and everyone should be sure to go to prageru.com or check out on this Facebook page your latest prageru video and uh congrats on that being up and we really appreciate your time today well you guys and Dennis you guys are the best uh love you all and and really respect the work you're doing in culture keep it up and thank you very much thank you so much and if you've enjoyed this Facebook uh live here at prer live please be sure to like and share it and don't forget to donate because of donations from people like you we're able to reach more Millennials you know who apparently like myself need some really important parenting tips so we don't ruin a generation of youngans and uh keep those videos free reach more people even $5 makes a big difference thanks everyone for tuning in this is Elicia Krauss from the prer uhq signing off