How women get men to lose: The Easter egg hunt

I'm Dr. Orion Terriban, and this is Psych Hacks, Better Living Through Psychology, and the topic of today's short talk is the Easter egg hunt. As I've mentioned repeatedly on this channel, women are doing very well in today's day and age. They live longer than men, they outperform men in most academic metrics, they out-earn men when they're childless in many urban centers. Yay, women! That said, it's interesting to note that these relatively recent successes have occurred in a very particular cultural moment, characterized by strategies and tactics that specifically seek to advance women's interests. Now, it's probably not possible to determine the extent to which these strategies are responsible for women's success, and the extent to which women have succeeded on their own merits. But it's precisely this uncertainty that casts a pall of suspicion on women's recent achievements. Are these successes due to women's efforts in the relevant games, or to their efforts in the cultural metagame? Almost certainly, it's a combination of both, but the exact proportion remains an open question. In any case, today I'd like to bring some of those strategies and tactics to light. And to do so, I'd like to share a story from my own life, because I think it might illustrate, in a small and silly way, what might be going on on a grander scale. This is the story of the Easter Egg Hunt, and it goes like this. When I was a boy, every year my mother would plan an Easter Egg Hunt for me and my younger sister. And every year, without fail, I would absolutely demolish my sister with respect to the number of eggs I could find. Like it was never even close. And of course, this made sense. I was bigger, so I could get to more out-of-the-reach places. I was faster, so I could cover more ground more quickly. And I was older, so I had more experience with respect to where my mother liked to hide the eggs. Given the circumstances, it would have been functionally impossible for my sister to win a hunt. Like, we could have run that test 10,000 times, and I would have won 10,000 times. It was a foregone conclusion. And this wouldn't have been an issue if it weren't for the fact that somehow my smaller, slower, younger sister believed that she should win. And every year, when she didn't win, she would cry and sulk and otherwise make things difficult in the household. As a result, no one, except me, was particularly pleased when I won, and everyone, except me, was displeased when my sister didn't. One Easter, when I was probably around 10 years old, I was gearing up for another easy victory. As I made my way around the house, I went into the pantry to grab an egg or two. And to my surprise, my mother came in after me, shut the door, and blocked me in. My confused expression motivated her to get right to the point. Honey, she said, couldn't you let your sister win this year? I was aghast. My mother, my own mother, had just suggested that I take a dive, that I fall on my own sword. This was not the spirit of competition. What happened to may the best man win? The person who can get the most eggs should get the most eggs, right? Otherwise, the outcome is just a sham, and the contest is meaningless. I responded that she can win if she can collect more eggs than me. This did not satisfy my mother. She then implemented what I've since recognized to be a predictable progression of tactics to get me to change my mind. First, she tried pity. Your sister never wins, and you've won every single time. She's going to cry and pout. Can't you give her at least one little victory? I think it would be so nice, and I know it would make her very happy. And I probably responded with something like, well, that doesn't sound very nice to me. Could you move out of my way? Now, when pity didn't work, she tried shame. Don't you think you're a little old for Easter egg hunts anyway? A good brother would want to help his sister. Don't you care about her feelings? And I remember thinking to myself, this is a contest. There are winners and losers. What are her feelings have to do with anything? And I probably responded with something like, I could share some of my candy with her, but if I find that candy, it's mine to share or not share as I see fit. And when this didn't work, she got upset. You know, if this is how you're going to behave, maybe this is the last year that we do this. I don't think the competition is very healthy for you. And of course, because I could win and my sister couldn't, canceling the hunt would be tantamount to taking away something that was functionally mine. And I probably responded with something like, then I better make this one count. And I squeezed past my mother and left the pantry. Even at that age, I was pretty good at resisting emotional manipulation because in that house, I had a lot of opportunities to do so. In any case, the foregone conclusion happened yet again. Even despite the handicap, I collected more eggs than my sister. And once again, my sister made things difficult for everyone. I think that was the last year we had an Easter egg hunt. We just got baskets of candy from that year onward. I think about that conversation in the pantry with my mother from time to time. In retrospect, I can understand why she would want her daughter to win. But I felt betrayed that she didn't seem to care that that would mean that her son would have to lose. Ultimately, it was clear that my mother didn't see the hunt as a contest of merit like I did. Keeping the peace and achieving certain outcomes was more important than fair and honest competition. After all, it's just a bunch of plastic eggs. Who really cares anyway? If you appreciate the insights on this channel, I would highly encourage you to get your hands on a copy of my book, The Value of Others. Over the course of 432 pages, I delve deep into my economic model of relationships and explain the behavior of both men and women in the game of mating and dating. I also provide a lot of actionable advice on how to get and keep more of what you want in the sexual marketplace. Once you read The Value of Others, you'll never look at relationships the same way again. Now available in e-book, audio book, and paperback formats. The links are in the description. Now let's return to the broader topic under consideration. We don't like to admit it, but many things in life really are zero-sum games. For my sister to win, I would have to lose. For there to be more female CEOs, there would need to be fewer male CEOs. Why? Well, there are a limited number of positions. For a woman to be promoted, they would need to pass over a man. For there to be more female doctors, there would need to be fewer male doctors. Why? Well, doctors come from medical schools, and medical schools only admit so many students. Admit more female students, and you'll have more female doctors further down the road. For there to be more female engineers, there would need to be fewer male engineers. Why? Well, those tech companies have limits to their headcount. To hire more women, they have to hire fewer men, etc. etc. This is an inescapable feature of reality. Most games for specific goods are zero-sum. And I think it's no coincidence that the significant improvements in women's outcomes in recent years have taken place in a cultural moment characterized by the widespread use of the same tactics my mother used on me in the pantry. First there's pity, especially in the context of history. Men have had all the power and all the wealth for centuries. Isn't it about time that women had their chance? And if that doesn't work, there's shame. A real man isn't so fragile that a woman earning more than him would damage his ego. A good man supports women and celebrates their victories. And if that doesn't work, there's always outrage. Male success is evidence of a sexist patriarchal system that must be dismantled. And any man who questions the advancement of women's interests is an incel and a misogynist. Pity, shame, anger. PSA. These are the metagame strategies that dominate the cultural moment in which women's victories have occurred. And I'd like to submit that this is unfair. That is, that it's unfair to women. It's unfair to women because it like puts a little asterisk next to their victories. Are their accomplishments due to the fact that they are doing so well? Or because men are doing so poorly? A lot of guys aren't willing or able to stand up to the consequences of resisting this kind of emotional manipulation. Indeed, a lot of them aren't even aware that it's happening. They're trapped in the pantry. Often, from a very young age, where they are on the receiving end of these PSA tactics not once, not twice, but hundreds and hundreds of times by the time they're adolescents. They fold under the pity, they fold under the shame, and they fold under the outrage. And when they do, they create an opportunity for women to advance in the context of zero-sum games. Now, Orion, are you saying that women can't succeed on their own merits? Not at all. I know many intelligent, hardworking, kind women who are very capable in their positions of authority. Women can and do beat men in head-to-head competitions of skill and ability. What I am saying is that there is no way my younger sister could ever have found more eggs than me. Perhaps if I had an older sister who was bigger, faster, and more experienced than I was, she would have had a chance. But as things stood, my sister couldn't possibly have won. If she could have, why would those tactics have been necessary? But that, of course, begs a question. If the situation were reversed, and my sister were undefeated in the hunt, would my mother have tried to get her to let me win? We can't say for sure because it's a hypothetical scenario, but I kind of think not. After all, I've never heard of anyone systematically attacking the fairness of any domain in which women enjoy an advantage. And there are many such domains. And I would be more likely to train harder than throw a tantrum if I lost. So fewer people would be distressed by my defeat. After all, I don't think my mother really wanted my sister to win. She just didn't want to deal with the consequences when she lost. What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below. And please send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from its message because it's word-of-mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow. Anyone looking to join my free weekly newsletter or book a paid consultation can do so on my website. There's also my book, The Value of Others, and my member community, The Captain's Quarters. The links to everything are in the description below. Check it out. There's a lot of great resources there. As always, I appreciate your support, and thank you for listening.