Live In Nunawading | Dave O'Neil | FULL SPECIAL

Oh bloody hell, we like a party, bloody Nutter Wadding, whoo, party off. Wow, yeah, it's great to be here in Nutter Wadding. That's an ancient word, means can't afford Blackburn. But anyway, who, anyone from Nutter Wadding? Anyone from Nutter Wadding? Boxall, Laburnum, Blackburn, Nutter Wadding, Mitcham, Heatherdale, Ringwood, East Ringwood, fall asleep, wake up in Lilydale. And some Skinners trying to steal your runners. Bloody hell, get your hands off my K26s, get off them. Boy, it's great, isn't it? Bloody love it, it's great. Anyone from Ringwood? Anyone from Ringers? Yeah, mate, there's been a lot of initiatives out here since I moved out. I'll tell you what, Eastlink, a road that connects Ringwood and Frankston. Now, if there's ever two places in the world that should be kept apart, it's Ringwood and Frankston. I mean, I don't know about you guys, but how many Saturday nights did we sit around the 80s going, fuck, I wish I could go to Frankston tonight, pay $5 for the pleasure and get stabbed on the beach. That'd be awesome. Ringwood to Frankston, that is the Bogan connection, isn't it? They've got a separate lane for ice addicts on their scooters, like, meh. All we've got to do now is work out how to connect Nary Warren and Sunshine, and we're laughing. Build a massive tunnel, that's what I'm wrecking, and have like a Centrelink at work cover and a cop shop on the end, and catch all the stray blokes in their tracks who's wandering out, what's going on here, what's going on here? All right, no, I'm a mitching boy, let's go clubbing, yeah, let's hit the old haunts, yeah, yeah, what do you reckon? Let's hit Burvale, Burvale, dangerous, the Burvale, all right, Donny Inn, Donny Inn, yeah, no, no, area, Croydon, Dirty Dorset, the Dorset Hotel. Oh, Stylist, what about Stylist, what's Stylist, what is Stylist now? It's an Aldi, so you can still pick up on a Thursday night, that's good. And, of course, Stylist, before it was Stylist, was, of course, the Swagman with the smog, that famous Swagman, and then we'll head up to the Cuckoo, yes, get some pancakes from a 50-year-old bloke in Lederhausen, that'll be awesome. The best nightclub, though, the number one nightclub, of course, was the Stage 1 Disco at the Manhattan Hotel, Ringwood, we could walk home from there, and what made it special, the special place that it was? Revolving Dancefloor, that's right, Revolving Dancefloor, there's only one other nightclub that had that in Melbourne, the 21st in Frankston, it was like a conveyor belt, wasn't it? Anyway, so the dancefloor was spin around for people that are too young, it was spin around, and only the girls would dance, because, you know, Ringwood, and it was a bit like a chicken rotisserie, all the girls were like, that's a sushi train for you younger folk, and we stood on the side going, oh, that one, that one, met my wife there, but anyway, that's all right. Married to a chicken, a lot of plucking going on, anyway, no, it was good for the girls, though, wasn't it, Jackie, good for the girls? Jackie, did I pass you in the, no, Sam, did I pass you, it was good for the girls, because they had a bit of an outclaw, so you'd be talking to like Sandra from Croydon, thinking, well, this is going all right, and you're going, yeah, people do say I look a bit like the guy from Duran Duran, you're absolutely right, you know, and she's like, I've had enough of this cockhead, she just stepped back on the dancefloor and fuck off, you're like, what happened to Sandra, she's gone, she's absolutely gone. So, Mitcham High, success story, absolutely, any other Mitcham High graduates? Yeah, prison release scheme over there, that's awesome, what a school, no, it was a great school, I still remember my first day, 1977, that's right, kids, year seven, form one, we used to call it, 1977, I had two older brothers that were very naughty, and back then, the teachers did not hide their hatred for the O'Neill family, did they? These days, they've got to pretend, not in the 70s, I remember the first day the guys doing the role, okay, Johnston here, O'Neill, oh, hang on a minute, are you Mark and Trevor's brother? I'm like, yeah, he goes, oh, fuck, are there any more of you? I said, I've got a twin brother called Glenn, he's like, oh, Jesus Christ, we're going to have a break now, and I saw him smoking by the taps, so schoolies, schoolies didn't exist, did it, when we were at school, didn't exist, this is my schoolies, okay, finished HSC, the HSC in 1982, me and my four mates, four guys, there were no girls, we started the Dungeons and Dragons Club and didn't meet any, so, not exactly a chick magnet, Dragons weren't cool back then, anyway, we rode our BMXs up to the Mitcham pub, yeah, old Bunny's Bistro, and we put our BMXs against the wall, we went in, we're all underage, we sit in the booth, right, five of us, the publican comes out, and he just goes like this, no, no, no, no, he gets to me, he calls me a bit fat, he goes, yes, what do you want? I said, oh, five beers, thanks, mate, so, no, I didn't say that, I said, oh, the Diet Coke, he goes, it's 1982, hasn't been invented yet, so had to have a tab for beautiful people, so that was good, that was absolutely good, oh, man, Mitcham, what a school, and then we rode our BMXs down to Ringwood Centrelink and registered for the doll, on the same day, we rode our BMXs down and registered for the doll, and in the interview, the guy said, when did you finish school, I said, half an hour ago, so, and we just sat around on that sweet government money, while we got our results from HSC, and it's hard to explain to the kids that we, I mean, there's this whole movement now called raw dogging, that's not what you think, it's where, no, it's not what you think, it's young guys on Instagram get on a plane, and they don't watch anything on devices, they just sit there, they just sit there, and they congratulate, oh, I went from Adelaide to Melbourne for an hour, didn't look at my phone once, oh, you're amazing, that was our childhood, wasn't it, mate, we drove from Melbourne to Perth, five days, with nothing but iSpy, that was it, and maybe an Archie comic from the service station, we'd stare at Betty and Veronica, oh, who do I like more, Betty or Veronica, after five days, Jughead was attractive, so, oh, yeah, that was our childhood, and then on a Sunday, did we go to like escape rooms, or anything like that, no, we went on a drive, a Sunday drive, didn't we, and Dad would get you in the car, so you could imagine the HR station wagon, it was Dad, Kev, my older brother Trevor in the middle, in the front seat, and Joyce in the passenger seat, me and my two other brothers in the back seat, and we're driving along, and Dad had control of the stereo, of course, and he had one cassette, Tijuana brass, and so, it would be, and then we'd all be talking, and I'd go, alright, bit of peace and quiet now for your father, he needs to concentrate on the driving, because we'd always drive the same place, we'd go to Uncle Barry's block of land in Kangaroo Ground, Dad would get it, turn the tap on, check the water's on, then get back in the car, then we'd drive back, that was it, that was the Sunday drive, so you've got to imagine, we're driving along, bit of peace and quiet for your father now, he's concentrating on the drive, Trevor, he'd be about 14, we're driving along, he just goes, this is shit, Dad's like, Trevor, shut up, do not speak, you speak again, you're out of the car, this is shit, right, get out, pulled over, in the middle of nowhere in the bush, kicked him out, we just drive off, we drive off to the block of the land, we meet Uncle Barry there, we turn on the tap, Barry's like, oh, how's it going, how are the boys, how's Trevor, Mum's like, we don't know, we don't know how Trevor is, then we drive back looking for him, we can't find him, eventually we spot him, he's up a tree, he's climbed a tree like a koala, and Mum has to lure him down with a peanut butter sandwich, come on Trevor, come on, you couldn't do that these days, could you, you'd get arrested, wouldn't you, for giving your kid a peanut butter sandwich, absolutely. It's hard to explain to the kids what it was like back then, I've got a 15 year old son, he's like, Dad, what was your phone like when you were 15, I said, mate, you might want to take a Panadol off to tell you this and have a lie down, when I was 15 it was 1979, that's right son, and I shared a phone with my three brothers, Mum and Dad, and Ethel the lady next to her couldn't afford one, he's like, you shared a phone with six people, I'm like, yeah, I'll tell you what, watching porno was very hard back in those days, he goes, so you only had one phone in the house, I said, well to be honest, my brother worked for Telecom, he was an apprentice, and he put on the extension line, so we had two phones, but it was really one phone, and so then he's like, so what if you want to, you know, message one of your mates and your Mum's on the phone, and you know, tell them that you're coming over, I said, well get this mate, we would get off our arses, we would ride a BMX over to their house and fucking surprise them, he's like, what, and then did you get on their phone and play games, no mate, there were no computer games in 1979, if you want to play computer games in 1979, you had to get your arse out of the bean bag, didn't you, you had to ride your mongoose down to the Ringwood bowling alley and put your 20 cents in the fucking frogger machine mate, he's like, well, are you speaking English, what's a, what's a frogger machine, I tried to explain him, what a great computer game, what a great computer game, I said, you've got, you've got this little frog, and you've got to try and cross the road without getting run over, and then you had to jump from log to log to log, and then if you fell in the water, the frog drowned and the game was over, my son's like, yeah, but Dad frogs live in the water, I'm like, shut the fuck up, anyway, it's, it's my story, alright, he's like, how did you get the 20 cents to do the frogger machine, I said, well, we used to do this thing in Scouts called Bob a Job, and, well, Bob a Job, what's that Dad, well, get a load of this mate, we used to dress up in our little uniforms, we were about 10 or 12, the leaders would send us out into the community by ourselves, we'd knock on strangers' doors, and we'd say, oh, hello, I'll do anything for 20 cents, how are you? What did Baden Powell say? Be prepared, yeah, for what, anyway, and then he said, so you're at someone's house, you can't use their phone, what do you do, I said, well, you go into another mate's house, then you get to another mate's house, and you get about four or five of you, then you get in the park in the bush, he goes, well, that sounds boring, I said, not really, mate, we had matches, fireworks, and air rifles, yes, and we used to make bombs as well, yeah, we made bombs, we got arrested for making bombs in the early, oh, it's a, well, you know, my son's like, how did you know how to make bombs before the internet? I said, mate, we didn't need the internet in the early 80s and late 70s, we had a guy that would come on TV every night at 6 o'clock called Brian, and he was on the Channel 9 News, and he told us everything we needed to know. They even had a little jingle for him, Brian told me, Brian told me, Brian told me, so, so anyway, let me take you back to the O'Neill household, 1981, probably about 1981, okay, alright, mum and dad were having dinner, alright, now every night at 6 o'clock on the dot, okay, now 6 o'clock, we'd all sit around the dinner table, mum, dad, the four boys, alright, now, dad was military, right, ex-military, so he'd sit there like this, and he'd just, alright, a bit of peace and quiet while we ate our dinner, and he'd just stare at people, like, they're not even eating properly, Joyce, look at them, they can't even eat properly, these kids, then he'd compliment mum, these bloody chops are nice, Joyce, Jesus, I wonder what the poor people are doing today, I think they're eating red rooster, dad, anyway, shut up, don't be a smart-ass, alright, alright, and then, because men were treated differently, weren't they, in the 70s, the 80s, weren't they, there's some people here that remember that, men were treated like kings, weren't they, remember when dad would come home from work, dad would come home from work, oh, my God, in the 70s, mum would be there, she'd hear the car came around the corner, she'd go, oh, put on a bit of lipstick, bit of peace and quiet for your father now, and he'd get ushered into the lounge room, sat in the armchair, given the newspaper, a cold beer, probably a blowjob, I don't know, did that happen in the 70s, no, they're not happening now, anyway, and mum would go, alright, bit of peace and quiet for your father now, he needs a bit of transition time from work, now, what man gets that treatment now, any man here, any man, any woman get that treatment now, no, no, I come to my house, I've got three kids, I pull in the driveway, I can hear them screaming and fighting, and I just sit in the car and go, oh, fuck, do I have to go in, seriously, I wish we had one of those signs, they're in bushfire areas, with a little needle indicating how bad it is on the inside, you know, like, mild, extreme, go back to work, so we're sitting there, we're eating dinner, right, bit of quiet for dinner, bit of quiet, and then the phone would ring, oh, and dad would lose his mind, there bloody is every night a six o'clock phone call, don't answer it, don't answer it, don't you bloody answer it, bloody rude people, I go and answer it, oh, dad, it's Keith from the Freemasons, oh, that could be important, yeah, I'll answer that, yeah, g'day, Keith, how are you going, we need a new goat, okay, yeah, fair enough, we'll organise that, we weren't really allowed to use the phone, were we, guys, we went, emergencies only, emergencies only, dad, and if we wanted to be picked up from the railway station or the Blue Light Disco, we, you know, didn't get a patch and got chased by a skinhead at Target Ringwood at the Blue Light or the one at Nutter Wadding, we would have to do a thing called a couple of rings or three rings from the public phone box, who remembers a couple of rings or three rings, yes, so there's some younger people here, I can feel there's at least someone under 40, and they, this will freak them out, okay, so how do we explain it, okay, you go to a public phone box, oh, how do we explain that, Jesus, oh, you know Doctor Who, it's like the TARDIS, yeah, it's like the TARDIS, you go in there, you put your 20 cents in the public phone box, you ring the home number, you hear it ring two or three times, and before someone picks up, you hang up and you get your 20 cents back, that's a couple of rings, three rings, yes, yes, and of course we'd be at home and the phone would ring and dad would go, don't pick it up, it's your mother, don't pick it up, she's giving us a couple of rings, dad, pick it up, we'd always pick it up, oh, hi, mum, mum needs to be picked up from Eastland, dad, told you not to pick it up, anyway, so we're sitting around dinner, 1981, all right, four teenage boys, mum and dad, bloody, you know, hey, hey, hey, because dad was military, he was a Vietnam vet, you know, and he would march every year in the Anzac Parade, he kept getting more medals, I don't know, pretty sure he's buying them on eBay, I don't know, what was going on, like, you'd look at him and go, I don't remember you fighting in the Panzer Division, Kev, like, oh, best cake at the Benalla show, that's a good one, anyway, anyway, so we're, and also dad had positioned himself as the only seat that could see the TV through the, into the lounge room, he was the only one who could see it, so he'd be like this, yeah, what's bloody, shut up, what, oh, bloody hell, the West Gate Bridge has fallen down, look at that, oh, bloody hell, shut up, eat your dinner, eat your dinner, but we could hear it, right, we could hear it, so we're sitting there and we hear Brian say, two boys were arrested today in suburban Bundoora for making homemade bombs, we're like, whoa, you hear a pin drop in the O'Neill house, and then Brian tells us how to make them, they made them using common household objects, chlorine from a pool and brake fluid, we're like, what the fuck, dad's a fitter and turner, we don't need that brake fluid, we've got a pool, we've got chlorine, so we had a pool, but we had the, you know, the clock rubber octagonal one, you know, the four footer, you know, whirlpool, whirlpool, reverse whirlpool, horsey, yeah, woo, oh, it was awesome, the pool, awesome, the pool, unfortunately it burst in the 90s and flooded the Greek neighbours, and they got a bit of chlorine in there, oh, crap, but anyway, anyway, so we're like, dad, can we please be excused from the table, he's like, yeah, buddy, get out, get out, buddy, get out, so I reckon within about 10 minutes, we were down the park making these bombs, right, and then the next day, we got our mates together, there's Noddy and there's Poppo and there's Wookiee, and we all got together, and we made, we got some containers from the garage, yeah, and we made these huge bombs, right, and we took them down the paddock to let them off, right, but we were like any terrorist organisation, we were gutless, we didn't want to actually throw the bomb, you had to throw the bomb, I don't want to tell the kids how to do it, but you had to throw the bomb to make the chemical reaction, I don't have a science degree, anyway, whatever, yeah, so we did what any good terrorist organisation would do, we recruited someone younger and dumber than us, so we got on the paddock and Phil Kendall's hanging out, he was about 40, and he goes, what are you guys doing? We're like, Phil, do you want to join the Mitcham branch of the IRA, jump the fence, mate, here we go, and he picks up the bomb and holds it near his head, he goes, what do you want me to do, throw the bomb, Phil, throw it, mate, what, throw it, Phil, so he throws it, and it just bounces like this, boom, boom, boom, and it's like, oh, and then a bang, it was the loudest explosion we'd ever heard, and, you know, we were veterans of cracker night, you know what I'm saying, who remembers cracker night, yeah, oh, it's very hard, again, my 15-year-old's going, dad, explain to me cracker night, how did it work, did you, where did you get the fireworks from, do you have to go into the city and go to Chinatown and buy them secretly, no, we bought our fireworks from the milk bar. And then you let them off late at night, like secretly, no, we gathered the whole community in a park or a paddock, and then you let them off, no, we built a massive bonfire in the middle of the crowd, we pushed all the children forward, and then we let them off, he goes, what about the fire brigade, I go, mate, they love it, they lit the fire, don't worry about that, oh, bloody right into it, mate, so this explosion was so loud, all the neighbours came out and stood on the street corner, like, oh, my God, what was that, and I heard an old lady say, it shook the foundations of my chook shed, and we're like, oh, your hands are going to be laying omelettes for weeks, you know, like, it was all laughs until the cops turned up, yes, and you heard the two doors go, and we saw the cop walk down like this, and oh, no, his name was Darren, he went to Mitcham High, and to make it even worse, he was a former scout from my dad's scout troop, because dad was a scout leader, that's right, and so, I think it was the easiest case Darren's ever solved, he just looked at the containers, pointed at the O'Neill house and went, case closed, dun, dun, like the end of Law and Order, and we're all like, oh, no, Darren's on to us, and then dad comes home early from work, he sees Darren in his police uniform, he's so excited that one of his scouts is still wearing a uniform, he bounds out and he goes, good day, Darren, how are you going, mate, Darren just shuts him down, sorry, Kevin, this is not a social visit, do you recognise these containers, there's like a police line up on the nature strip, and dad's like, yeah, they're from my garage, and Darren's like, where are the boys, Kevin, where are the boys, so we stayed hidden in Phil's backyard until we saw dad's station wagon leave for a scout Freemason meeting, whatever, mum, we go in there, mum's like, your father's so embarrassed, you have to go to the Nutterwong Police Station tomorrow, and see the police and explain yourself, and so we get in the car tomorrow, me and my brother, and Noddy, and the guys, and dad didn't say anything, he didn't even put on the Tijuana brass, he was so stressed, and I said to Noddy, what's the strategy here, mate, he goes, lie, cry, and deny, but I just started crying straight away, because we go to the Nutterwong cop shop, Darren's not there, there's this big bloody copper, big detective senior sergeant Steve Johnson, and he goes, I'm senior sergeant Steve Johnson, this is Rajeed, he's an Indian bomb expert, unload from Bombay, and there was an Indian guy in a white coat, you're like, what, how many bombs are going off in Blackburn, but anyway, whatever, he's like, right, boys, we've got some questions for you, what's in the bombs, Rajeed couldn't work it out, not a very good bomb expert, is he, he goes, don't be a smart ass, what's in the bombs, I go, chlorine and brake fluid, he goes, how do you know how to do that, I said, Brian told me, he's like, Brian, who the fuck's Brian, so we all started singing, Brian told me, Brian told me, Brian told me so, I know everything I need to know, because Brian told me so, we didn't sing, but anyway, I'm quite the singer, though, I was in a band in the 80s, I don't know if you guys know, have you guys ever heard of Noiseworks, yeah, I wasn't in them, anyway, I was a man called Captain Coco, made up of Mitchum High and Whitefries boys, absolutely, oh, we put out a record, we went on tour, we went on TV, we went on Recovery, no, not Recovery, we went on The Factory, The Factory became before Recovery, it was like Recovery, The Factory was hosted by Andrew Detto and Alex Papps, now, I know what you're thinking, that sounds awesome, why isn't that still on, and just before the interview, we went on, we mimed our song, and Andrew Detto was going to interview me and my brother, Andrew turned to me, and he said, hey, mate, this is when the cameras are off, he goes, hey, mate, remember, I do the funny stuff around here, we're still waiting, Andrew, but anyway, nailed him, anyway, and I've got hair, but whatever, don't worry about it, Andrew, the highlight of Captain Coco's career, though, was playing at the Nutterwanting Skate Ranch, who used to go to the Nutterwanting Skate Ranch, speed skaters only on the rink, speed skaters only, couples only on the rink, that rubbed it in when you were 14, didn't it, couples only on the rink, for a bit of air supply, we supported Shooto Echo at the Nutterwanting Skate Ranch, yep, true story, the power went out when they all used their hair dryers at the same time, Shooto Echo, but we loved music, and we used to go and see bands in the city, we used to go see bands, sure, we'd go to, you know, Manhattan had some good bands, Dawson had some good bands, we would get the train into the city, and then we would get the last train home on a Saturday night, who remembers getting the last train home on a Saturday night, yeah, that was scary, wasn't it, this was before the Knight Rider, let me say that much, the last train was scary, because it was full of angry young men who hadn't picked up, basically, because I believe if you're at a nightclub, like say Inflation, Inflation's, Wall Street, I didn't get into any of these places, the tunnel, you wouldn't meet a girl and say, oh, you like me, you want to come back to my house, well, if we rush, we get the 1156 to Lillydale, and touch on, touch off, let's go. So, no, we, so what happened in 1982, a band called Devo Toolid, remember Devo, with the red hats, they're big hit, whip it, whip it good, crack that whip, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. Anyway, on a Saturday night, we saw them at Festival Hall, me and my brother and some mates, we got the last train home, and from Festival Hall to Richmond, we were the legends of the train, we're sitting on the song, you know, homemade Devo hats that mum had made us, and we're saying, crack that whip, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. Unfortunately for us, that same night in Melbourne, the Angels and Rose Hadu were playing at the Myer Music Bowl, yeah, and all their fans got on at Richmond, and we're talking, this is the early 80s, massive bogans, like, you know, like mullets, you know, stretch acid watch jeans, so tight, as they walked on, you went, oh, circumcised, not circumcised, like, and they get on like this, and they see us in the carriage with our homemade Devo hats, and they're like, what the fuck, look at these fuckheads, Gary, look at them, we'd ruin their Saturday night, like, they're like, we don't get up at 6am to start our welding apprenticeship in Mirroolbark to see this shit on the train, this is bullshit, and so, so the biggest one comes down like this, and he's like, he's got the mullet, and he hangs on that strap in front of me, and he's looking at me and up and down, and I think, because I was wearing like nice brogue shoes I'd bought, Levi Faber ones, a lemon V-neck jumper, and the homemade Devo hat, so, I don't think he knew where to start, you know what I mean, like, so he started at the bottom, he's like, where'd you get, where'd you get your fucking shoes from, I thought to be honest, I said, Speeds at Box Hill Plaza, he goes, bullshit, you got them from a fucking op shop, didn't you mate, I said, but where'd you get your Ugg boots from, your nana's wardrobe, I didn't say that, I didn't say anything, I just hoped that the energy dome, that's the correct term for it, would transform me out of there, he just picked it up and threw it out the window, makes a good frisbee, I said, well, mum's going to be angry, she's been a whole crafternoon making that, mate, then he moved up to my face, and he's like, are you wearing make-up, I said, why would I be wearing make-up, I was wearing make-up, no, I wasn't new wavering, I'd come straight from my gang show rehearsal to the Devo, I don't know if anyone's cool enough here to know what the gang show is, yeah, it's a girl guide and scout theatre show, and so I had like red lipstick and foundation on, and so, he just goes, oh, I'm going to have to bash you, mate, I'm going to have to bash you, I had to think quick, I said, really, you'd hit a woman, would you, he's like, he's like, are you a woman, I said, yeah, mate, I'm a lesbian, yeah, I do look a bit like a lesbian, let's be honest, people say I look like an overweight Katie Lang, but as my wife said the other day, you're looking more like Dawn Fraser every day, so, oh, I've had Renee Lawrence from the Barley Nine, like, that's not a boy band, that's a drug smuggler, I've had Magda Skibansky, I've had them all, well, I haven't because they're lesbians, but anyway, anyway, you've got to remember, this was like 40 years ago, I was a good-looking young lesbian back then, I was good-looking, anyway, so, he got all excited, he's like, I've never met a lesbian before, guys, there's a lesbian over here, so, we passed her all the way to Furniture Gully, it was like, you guys have been awesome, thanks for coming out, people from Mitcham, Blackburn, Wonturna, I've been Dave O'Neill, I'll see you again, thanks very much.