8 signs of an anxious attachment style (sessions #14)

today's video is about the opposite of avoiding attachment which is anxious attachment and don't forget this is one of the styles that the infants were clingier during the experiments and they were needier and they were more hypervigilant and they often had unresponsive unavailable inconsistent caregiving patterns they weren't necessarily fear-based like they are in the disorganized group but at the end of the day there's a lot of fear in these parents they did fear well the parents were often big worriers and in fact they felt actually more confident when they were you know worrying about fearful things for their child so the child often absorbs that and then this idea of the lack of consistency can create this are you going to be here for me physically mentally or emotionally are you not and those things so remember attachment theory is all about the early caregiving patterns we receive an infancy really first defined by John bulby and later enhanced by the work of Mary Maine and Mary answorth and this idea that it becomes a template for how we view relationships with ourself in the world and so the anxious babies were often less likely to explore the environment they were more clingy to Mommy in the strange situation obviously when the stranger came they were you know not happy when this when Mommy left and they never went back to exploring the room with the toys even as freely as they had in the beginning and they were not the most freely exploring the room in the first place so that goes back to that study the strange situation remember where there's a researcher and a room full of toys and a mommy and a baby and they looked at how they dealt with separations and reunions with mommy and baby with a stranger present and not present so this video is about that and remember that we'll talk about disorganize which has a combo of often anxious and avoidant tomorrow and we'll move towards understanding secure attachment and more attachment Dynamics in all kinds of ways in future future videos if you're new here I'm a licensed clinical psychologist and I'm so happy you're joining me all right so at the core of this one not only is it about the lack or consistency of responsiveness it's also that the parents emotions spilled over and loomed large too often and too much into the child's world so the child is very aware of the parents own anxiety the parents fear the parents problems their adult life there was just a little too much or too much spill over into the Parents emotional world and so that is number one the parents big emotions spilled over again and again number two as a result of that a child who's anxiously attached is going to be much more hyper Vigilant in relationships so much more aware of reading other people and what does that mean and how do I respond is there a shift in emotions am I going to get my needs met and that often becomes how you engage in the world long past childhood and so you're always looking out for the partner's feelings you over focus on what they feel or need often compulsively remember compulsive caretaking is also another common sign of anxious attachment and so a lot of this is I get my needs met when you're getting your needs met or I'm the safest whatever I feel the most seen the most loved when I know what you need or want and also I might try to provide that for you that is number two number tree is that your first thought in risk-taking or exploration is often no that's too much that's too scary that's too risky that's what I was saying in the beginning that these babies were less likely to explore the room full of toys at the beginning and at the end of the experiment because ironically the more securely attached someone is theoretically the more likely they are to go out and explore the world knowing that they can always come back to the Safety and Security of home and so you're just your first thing might be when it comes to jobs or trips or whatever it is relationships like that's scary but then often being very anxious about it or worried about it once you do number four is that you're always playing out rejection to prevent abandonment so you often use perfectionism in yourself to try to like prevent that and that is that classic use of perfectionism with your strong inner critic what am I doing wrong and often a strong outer critic what are you doing wrong and so you're always playing that out the scenario of when they might cheat on you when they might leave you whether they love you or not a lot of that insecurity is going to be focused on trying to prevent rejection but as we know there's no ultimate way to stop someone like a partner from cheating on you or lying to you and so that can become a very Vicious Cycle in you hypervision trying to prevent rejection and doing and saying things but then not necessarily getting what you deserve in return number five is that you're always seeking permanence and that goes back to that Dynamic of not being rejected so reassurance is vital for you you always want to almost ensure that the person the object is not going anywhere and so you will do and say and feel a lot of things in that kind of very anxious way to try to prevent that but why I say reassurance is vital is that with healthy partners and secure Partners who don't think that your neediness or clinginess or need reassurance is unreasonable as long as it's not you know off the charts they understand and value that for you and they say hey babe I want you to know I'm going here here's my location you can call me whenever it's not like oh why are you bothering me again that kind of thing and so for the best you know case for you Partners do and say what they say they will number six is you're often overly empathic and overly focused on the emotions of others and that goes back to being you know hypervigilant around are you going to stay or leave or what but that can be perceived as you being needy and so it can make you feel like you are because you have a hard time turning off not just your feelings but often absorbing the feelings of others and at times you might be really accurate in what you're reading and at times you might not number seven is you will often overshare for connection so one of the ways you're trying to maybe pull people in is by oversharing in your own world much like that parents big feeling spilling out and alongside that is often that you're trying to form connection because there's a deep fear that you'll never be enough that you'll be left or whatever but at times we can be too anxious and too willing to share to try to bond without enough boundaries as opposed to maybe being overly boundaried like those with avoidant attachment can be and then number eight you might agree to doing things in an intimate way sexually whatever so that you don't lose people and often violate your own sense of what was really okay for you and so you might not be setting enough boundaries out of fear of Abandonment or rejection so you can at times really agree to things that you really don't want to do and this is really worth looking at if you have a style to be clear before interactions where your boundaries are what you like or don't like what is too much or not enough for you because there is some research supporting that we can be more inclined L to say yes to things because we just feel like we're supposed to or should or don't want to lose someone and then later that can create trauma for things that we wish we hadn't said or done so that is it for today's video remember this style like all the Styles when you're aware and working on them it can be so incredibly helpful in therapy through books and podcasts and reading and all those things to try to learn to manage your distress so for this style a lot of it is learning to obviously start with partners who aren't avoidant who are going to absolutely trigger this in you and not be clear and be vague and or you know peace out on you when things get too close or lie to you or cheat on you obviously but then to also work on managing you a lot of this is your own nervous system regulation your fears of Abandonment and learning how to navigate those things in healthier ways as opposed to kind of using them to prevent anything bad from happening and then often creating that World um unconsciously for yourself so that is it thank you so much for being here have a beautiful day and I will see you tomorrow bye