autistic women: 16 *unrecognized* signs

[Music] welcome to my new studio just kidding actually I used to do a radio show this mic situation uh this mic situation setup reminds me of that but as many of you know I've been trying to evolve with my content over the years to slow down has been my biggest challenge to learn the technology and that includes trying to provide a better sound quality for you all so I'm not sure how I feel about this I'm in a new room with my son back at college but I felt like if I could create a setup where I could just sit down and talk that perhaps I could create more content that was just even more authentic and maybe even more frequent so not going to hold myself to that I don't give myself a schedule because I just don't do well I'm going to try to shoot for two videos a week probably Wednesdays and the weekend but I would like to if I can increase that I will also do that okay so today's video we're going to talk about the often what I believe are unseen hidden unexplained maybe overexplained or minimized internally in terms of like who we are traits of autism specifically in women because what I did was I watched every top video you could find on people who have lived experiences and research talking about traits of autism in women and but I want to say really quickly that no matter who you are these things can all apply to you it's just that I think that because of the way the research has gone and how we've been socialized as women that I'll post a video with very specific traits for example of autism and people will say well aren't all women like that and so no they're not although I do think that each of us has a you know autism is an expression of a naturalness in terms of human development and so sure a lot of these things can be present in someone who doesn't have autism what I really want want to focus on this year and incorporate more in my channel is understanding neurodiversity as it includes unmasking trauma unmasking complex PTSD and things like ADHD and neurodiversity in general including autism because as I've been doing these you know deep Dives I'm learning so much about how many things that we dismiss that really weren't just adaptations and responses to trauma but were part of who we were since birth and yet because so many of us have complex trauma and PTSD both and and we have neurodiversity potentially it's really hard to sort of nitpick apart but I think these things are important if they help you deep dive into more understanding who you are and number two to remove the shame and often isolation we feel like well I'm just different and lastly to help you create potentially things like um more transition time between events more recovery time after socializing more real Grace for yourself when you're not doing the things you're supposed to be doing and trying to find ways to understand and embrace who you are really quickly I just want to share this that it's so funny that I've shared that I've struggled with being social and I really am someone who seeks Refuge alone and yet I spent my entire childhood alone and was that because of the physical neglect because of the time I don't know but I would also choose aone time even when you know my house had people in it was that because they weren't always safe yes but it wasn't like it was a disaster every moment and then would I choose isolation now after raising and still raising four children and I haven't really been alone like I don't really know I'll check with you in a few more years when I truly am completely alone but I find that every time I have to consider doing anything social even making a phone call to my best friend I have an initial like I don't want to do this an anxiety a stress like it's going to overwhelm me and sure some conversations some new experiences can be overwhelming but something like that you know has really helped me understand more and more about myself no matter where it comes from that it's okay it has nothing to do with the person or myself it's just part of how my brain works all right so let's get into it number one is related to about it is social overthinking anxiety confusion self-blame oversharing and unders sharing so it's it's all about the way your mind thinks about how you have to be when you are social am I doing it the right way am I saying the right things often I found that this idea and this can go to trauma too but in general this neurodiversity piece of a fear of oversharing or unders sharing so I found found that there were years where I just blurted everything out and maybe that was a trauma response which I think it was and then there were times when I have been for many years in fact more in the last I would say seven or eight years very guarded very um not intentionally wanting to share and does that relate to my job possibly sure but also just being very walled up but that also whether you're oversharing or unders sharing and then you have a feeling about it not only can those Dynamics affect how that social event experience goes but it can really affect your desire to continue but the core of this one is just like your brain over analyzes before during as I've said hovering over yourself and after the event what did I say why did I say that what will they think things like that number two exhaustion and fatigue from the overstimulation of being in social dynamics it could just be phone calls but having to be on which is a big part of masking for many of us I think all of us do this to a certain extent most of us have our atome self and our outside self but there's a depletion from having to really manage the sensory issues the triggers the stimulation the conversation the maybe not being able to stem for example during a conversation and really what you do is you chalk this up to just being tired and fatigued but really it is about the fact that your brain and body are exhausted from social dynamics number three raging sensory issues as I've said before everything has bothered me you know sights and smells and sounds smell is a huge one for me and apparently a very huge one for many of those with autism and that one's a really hard one to control say that again that one is a really hard one to manage and control because for example you can turn down the lights you can which I'm you know huge in the morning no bright light no bright light at night you can work on your fabric exposure like your sheets your clothes the light's getting weird here but you really can't stop the smell of happening you know like my kids are making some food and it happens to be at night and it's very triggering um or it's you you're out somewhere and there's a smell and it can be very disregulated so the core is though like you cannot often hide this the disregulation it comes across as as entitled as what is the word high maintenance but you have to deal with your sensory World in a way that you just naturally over time try to control and you don't really necessarily know that that's what you're doing but that's the core things like sleepovers right as a kid I remember thinking well if I can't sleep in a bed at your house by myself I'm not going because it would just be too uncomfortable for me things like that the next one is masking and of course as I'm saying that underlies all of this it's a part of this whole problem but becoming more and more aware that people are really doing a a lot to get through um how they want to be perceived in the world in fact even being perceived can be very uncomfortable it's like I need to be here but don't don't experience me don't see me and or if I know that you're going to I have to now manage what that looks like and I will say that I have become more and more and more myself here if you watch earlier videos and my kids would be like oh my God you're not really being yourself like you're doing great mom but and it was like I get that I was trying to be professional and present a certain version of myself and I think that my clients now I mean I think everyone everyone once they got in the room with me I think I was very much I'm very much myself while also trying to hold this role which I also think is changing as we dissect mental health and and that kind of dynamic but the point is that the masking version the version that we present is very different so the Kim that you're getting now even here even if you look at my Tik toks which is like so it's so cringy between the filters and the things um I'm still struggling with that I feel like I'm for some reason more comfortable in front of the camera than my phone um and so anyway the point is you mask and you don't even know it because you're so used to putting on the makeup the face the tone the presentation the clothes and like I said we all do this but it can be explained away and not really understood number um I have a number number five these are misnumbered dating issues and so a lot of issues around romance are often filled with limerance so a lot of fantasy creation of the person not the real person and it can become an obsession it's like you attach all of the meaning of yourself and value and hopes and dreams and Fantasies to the person I think this is very common in those with both trauma and neurodiversity and I will say I made a video about this and I maybe I'm crazy but I really feel like most people who are neurodiverse have massive sensory issues when they're engaging in Intimate experiences from kissing holding hands to everything more and that you know you've learned to like Mind Over Matter yourself but it can be very very uncomfortable and triggering the textures The Taste the smells the sounds I think that's often really hidden and not discussed the next is chronic anxiety and depression a lifetime of a range of anxiety and depressive responses you might be on the higher end of being able to manage those things in other words you can hold down a job but you're like white knuckling it or there's a big facade and Screen behind what you present to the world and what it looks like at home for example you get all your tasks done at work but your house is a mess your dishes are in the sink you can't your laundry sits there for weeks at a time time but the rest of the world would never think that you can't that you struggle so much to manage those things the next one is number seven you're you were always sensitive and you you've cried a lot and you might have learned to stuff those feelings and repress them but many of us I think I used to say years ago I've just always been an over Feeler and an overthinker and honestly what changed that a little bit and it sucks in some ways was menopause that the lack of hormones in some ways it's what that whole thing about um being 50 and not caring anymore but it really sucks to be honest with you menopause I personally think sucks horrifically I know keep saying that but we don't talk about it we're not prepared for it and I've said um without hormones I especially but even still it feels like someone turned the lights out on my energetic motivation to be in the world and last year as I've shared a little bit I had had a lot I'm still dealing with Stu stuff in that around that issue around hormones and surgeries and I was off hormones for a while and it was really bad I wasn't sleeping I didn't feel well and so the point is though that no matter what it is there's a sensitivity to the world and maybe things like menopause have have numbed it a little bit but over feel overthink and a lot of just intense emotions that might have been misdiagnosed as BPD for example the next one is a history of female friendship issues I think that friendship issues in general are hard for all of us as we age they get more difficult but when I looked back I was like oh I've always had I always had up until my divorce at in my 40s I always had a number of close a couple of really close girlfriends and yet when I look back at kind of how those things happen and what happened I can see this Trail this pattern of intense closeness of me becoming avoidant um as I said I do believe that getting divorced if you really want to understand not only who you married if you want to know who you married divorce them and look at what happens to your friendships and divorce it's really difficult especially if you're in a high conflict situation and your friends are still in marriages whether they're happy or not just to be there for you let alone if they're also starting to question their happiness and now you're talking about it all the time it's hard for both of you but the history of me trusting female friendships I thought was only about my history with my mom and maybe it is but as I've looked at it more and more I understand more and more about the way I show up who I stay close to or not and there's a broken trail of friendships for many of us who have I believe neurod Divergence in some way the next one is being and deeply entrenched in fantasy worlds right maybe but maybe you hide these things like you don't tell everyone that you watch all of the Harry Potter movies or Lord of the Rings or fantasy books that you read and you're just a deep thinker with a preference for the stories of human beings and so I think that um we can get lost in fantasy worlds there can be a dissociation to that of course there can be a sort of like a more connectedness to magical worlds and things like that from the brain the way the brain works I think also in neurodiversity but just being a deep thinker and really attached to those kind of fantasy stories as I've said therapy to me is a story it's a story every every patient is a story every day is a new story the next one is a massive need for repetition so doing things the same way I need to get up every day and have my my morning go and it always goes within the within the a couple of things in the exact same order and so whether it's um repetition through the way that you live your life and your day most of us need that now if you have that flavor of ADHD with autism you can also have the ADHD part that needs stimulation and Novelty which can really interfere with that and create I think more impulsivity but at the core poor if we're talking about these things and obviously even trauma too there's a safety and repetition but especially with autism and things like neurodiversity I think in general we need to be able to predict what's coming next from the sensory exposure to relationships expectations of us socially things like that the next one is secret stemming so as I've talked about the blankie the you know the threat on the the satin on the blankie picking skin picking a lot of things that we don't really share that I think that when you look at individually they don't mean anything it's when you look at stemming in context to how you manage pleasure how you manage disregulation and the way that you've done it in context with all these other things that I think starts to point the lens more and more towards a more neurodiverse brain the next one is proprioception like really being clumsy like I have always I drop things I break things all of the time like I probably break one glass a week if not every two weeks or a bowl or a plate I used to have it's not as bad now when my kids are little I feel like you're doing more but bruising and not knowing where it came from from bumping into things I have dropped things on my toes so many times that my feet have like like permanent damage from them because I hate to wear shoes so I'll be like you know moving into a place hammering something on the wall I did this one place I had this massive painting over this fireplace and it was really heavy and I'm such a like I'll just do it now by myself person but it dropped on my feet and that has happened more times than I care to admit so we can have a lot of clumsiness just like bumping into things that's very common but by itself you're just like Oh I'm a clumsy person right the next one is really preferring to be alone and seeking Refuge alone and I think that many of us do this as I've talked about for lots of reasons from our tendency to feel overstimulated for our hypervigilant issues having like eggshell parents where we were only safe alone but there really can be not that you don't always want to be alone and don't enjoy socializing but many people on the Spectrum need to be alone to regulate and I think you know like I'm saying by itself it can just be like oh you're kind of a loner but when you look at it in a larger context a lot happens when you're alone you're pursuing your hobbies you're regulating yourself you're finding the space and peace in your own mind you're turning off that social that mask right so that's a common one the next one is as I said kind of earlier faking and lying and minimizing and masking how hard daily life really is for you daily tasks and I think when we look at this bill of goods we've been sold about what we're supposed to do and meditate and eat and exercise and be this and socialize and not isolate it's a lot um keeping our homes clean especially if you don't have help but even if you do just the daily functioning so you you you just really maybe you lie to yourself like I didn't even realize to myself how once I got divorced I haven't really had for the most part it's been at least 12 years any housekeeper um really any babysitters and so just the and and you know I have I'm still like doing better than most and I I do have a good life and a blessed life but my point is that like I don't like cleaning I suck at it I hate it I put it off and my house might look picked up but then I'd have to be like oh you need to clean that right things like that living in near the beach there's a lot of like mold issues and things like that the windows are open all the time so we get a lot more dust in the house but just not really like I'm saying on the outside not really admitting that even to yourself like God I'm not really good at this thing so a lot of Faking and hiding how hard daily tasks are the next one is highly empathic to animals um being really uh driven by the Miss Injustice of the world feeling safer with animals feeling safer where you're in control of the Dynamics of uh human expression and love I think that that gets so she just loves horses or whatever dogs um there she's a cat lady or whatever but I think there's something about that that we often feel truly only understood and safe with other people who are neurod Divergent and and especially with animals and then the last thing is that you last two things are that you seem intuitive about things and I think many of us are but I think that oftentimes it's a hidden skill of pattern recognition and being really good at anticipating things and reading people especially if people were your special interest which I actually think a lot of therapists have this in addition to trauma childhoods traumatic childhoods and so you get really good at reading nonverbals at making meaning and you were doing that to also gauge how to respond yourself but it can be misperceived I think at times S as you know whether it's empathic qualities sensitivity qualities which I also think we can have I also think they are response to our trauma to our environments to how our brains work around expectations with the world and others and I think that's it so I'm I'm curious to hear what your thoughts are I think that when you take any one of these by itself it can easily be explained as you know human Nuance human differences um it could be explained as trauma and and certainly you could say I suppose that these things can be the point is no matter what it is at the core of a neurodiverse brain we had to adapt and make changes and if you're born which we know with certain temperaments and sensitivities right more sensitive children to things like smell and sound and taste and noise like sensory issues or human connection whatever it is and then you have trauma it's going to even it's going to make these even more um complex and required to get through life so those are what I think are the often unexplained Dynamics in childhood as I said I watched I literally went through a lot of the top autistic creators and like went through their most popular videos from their lived experiences and said which ones do I notice which ones do I notice I have this weird way of talking sometimes and um that can also be autism um but it can be other things too right just we are but I think that I wanted to share what I experience and what I think as I'm opening my eyes and learning more and more and watching and learning about um are also true for others so that's it for today I hope you found this helpful like I said I'm not sure about this new setup we'll see how it goes I'm going to make another video and talk about really this idea of seeking Refuge alone and what it means for especially autistic people neurodiverse people to need to have alone time and so we're going to be talking about that once again I am talking about generally speaking higher higher masking I I want to always make the space and respect for those who have different needs in terms of autism and neurodiversity from ADHD all of them trauma and not just say everyone is the same because we really are and and many of these things create real difficulty in people's lives it's really difficult and and so let's say for example if you're higher on the on the line of being triggered by sounds and people and events you can have this need to be alone to manage that but also for example a lot of those on the Spectrum report a high degree of loneliness and so there are there are real real consequences and dynamics of these things happening and certainly with trauma the same right if people are the trigger for forgetting about anything else but your childhood trauma or adult trauma as I've also talked about it can make wanting to to be around people difficult but also we know that some connection and I think we all have different needs for it is part of the human experience that so many of us are are having a more difficult time with in this world now where we are more and more isolated so that's it thank you so much for being here I will see you soon take good care and have a good day [Music] bye [Music]