Understanding The Wife's Code. Jeff Allen

We've been married 32 years and, uh, I got... My father gave me one really wise piece of advice before I got married, and it's held true for 32 years. On my wedding day, my father said to me, before you argue with your new wife, and you're going to argue with her, before you do, take some time, step back, ask yourself two questions. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Right. And then he broke down and sobbed right in front of me. I had no idea what that man was talking about. 32 years later, I can tell you this. I'm a happy, happy, happy man. I ain't been right in 12 years now. Sometimes I even have to ask her, am I happy? Oh, you better believe you're happy. I was just checking with you, buttercup. Call my friends up. I can't go golfing, but I'm a happy, happy, happy man. And don't get me wrong, we argue. You've got to argue in your marriage. You don't argue in your marriage. It'll build up in your brain over time and fries your brain. Yeah, and then you wind up like those babbling, mumbling couples you've seen in Arizona, Florida. 50-plus years of marriage, they're kind of walking down the street. The wife is fine. It's the poor husband eight feet behind her that scares me to death. This poor man's all hunched over, he's vibrating, mumbling. Oh, he's telling me what to do. I'm going to start telling you what to do. I'm a man, you can't tell me, I'm a man, I'm a man. This poor guy's starting to try to win back all the arguments he's been throwing away for 50 years. You know he was 6'3 when he got married, now he's 4'1". Look at the poor man. Weighed down by half a century of apathy. Leave a toilet seat up if I want to leave a toilet seat up. Tell me what to do. I hope you sit in the water every night. I don't care. And that's when she turns around. What'd you just say to me? I didn't say nothing to you. Scary. You have to learn how to communicate, that's the word. Communication. You have to learn how your spouse communicates, that takes time. Men and women communicate differently. It took me two years of marriage to figure out my wife will never tell me to do anything around our home. If Tammy wants me to do something, she'll ask me a question. It's from the question that I got to stand there and figure out what it is she wants me to do. Simple example, say I leave a pair of my underwear in the middle of the bedroom floor, which frosts my wife. That's her word when she's angry. That just frosts me, Jeffrey. If I'm not frosting her, I'm driving her up a wall. That's another one. Kids would come in, where's mom? She's up the wall with frostbite, that's all I know. You won't believe what put her there, man. It was that pair of underwear in the middle of the bedroom floor. You're looking at the most powerful piece of cotton on planet Earth. So I leave my underwear in the middle of the room. Would she come to me and say to me, pick those up? That's three words. Hey, pick those up. Three words. Would she say it? No. Because that would be simple, direct, and right to the point. And at that moment, we would be communicating at the highest human level. The way God the creator intended it, through language. She looks at me, looks at my underwear, and then asks, are those yours? I sure hope they are, otherwise I got a few questions of my own. What do you want? That's the only question a man has for his wife. What do you want? Quit talking in code and tell me what you want. My favorite question, we weren't married two months. I'm leaving the house, I got golf clubs on my shoulder, got golf shoes in my hand, and everybody knows what she asked me. Where you going? I was only married a couple months. I didn't know any better. I looked at her, I'm going bowling, Columbo. If you're taking notes, that would be the wrong answer. An hour later, I was still in my living room. Come on, tell me, what is this about? Please let me know. I can make the back nine, just let me know. It's about knowing the right answer. That's why your beautiful, intelligent wife would ask such a banal question. I know better today. If I'm leaving the house with golf clubs on my shoulder today and Tammy says, where you going? We'll put these in the car, baby. I'm going to come back and mow our lawn. Just practicing leaving for golf. Click right now to watch, save, and share clips. And you can watch my entire comedy special right on your phone. Cool as that.