On exes coming back, defining the relationship & standing out on a date

What's up everyone? Before you listen to today's episode, if you haven't already, go check out the recording of the live I did to over 20,000 people, casual to committed. This was a one hour, over a one hour training that I did for people who wanted to get into a committed relationship, whether they're single and looking or whether they're already seeing someone and trying to get it to progress. This was my best advice condensed into a live free training that helped people know what to do next to get results in their love life this year. Go check it out if you haven't already. The link is lovelifereplay.com. That's not going to be available at that link forever. So go check it out now while it's there, lovelifereplay.com if you missed it. Oh, and by the way, if you saw it, you know how valuable it was. Send it on to somebody else. Send the link lovelifereplay.com to three people in your life that you know who could benefit from it. Today's episode is me shooting from the hip, dealing with live Q&A on social media. I went live last week and some really great stuff came out of it. So I hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think. Podcast at matthewhussey.com and I'll speak to you briefly at the end of the episode. We're going live right now with Instagram, Facebook, TikTok. So Nadia says, Hi Matt, my ex wants to come back for the second time during our five-year relationship. What do I do? He wants to change. Look, my philosophy on this is if someone has hurt us in the past, if they have been the one to leave in the past, if they have been the one to change things and they're now coming back to us to start things up again, the onus is on them to show us that they are capable of the changes that they need to make. It's not enough for someone to say, I really want you again because you really wanted me the last time we got together, right? That's why we got together in the first place, is that you really wanted me then. And that ended the way it ended. So my problem is not that I'm afraid you don't want me. Clearly you do want me because you want to get me back. But how do I know that the changes that need to be made for you to sustain this speech are changes you can actually make? In fact, what are the changes that need to be made for you to be able to commit in a way that you didn't commit last time or for you to be able to get through the hard times in a way that you weren't able to get through them last time? And you have to really pay attention to their answer and see is that answer satisfactory? And even if that answer is a good one, are they putting in the work to actually do that? It's one thing to go to a therapist and say, I want to change this, but all your work is still ahead of you in making that change, we all know that, right? We still have to go every week, we have to put in the work, we have to do our homework, right? Is this person willing to do that? And if they're not, then it doesn't matter how much they want you right now. They want you because they don't have you. Well, what's going to happen when they have you again? That's what you really have to be concerned about, right? You can't trust what someone does. What someone does when they're trying to get something is not always a great indicator of who they are once they have something. Who he is when he's trying to get you back isn't a good indicator of who he'll be once he feels safe again. Right now, he doesn't feel safe, so he's doing different things. When he feels safe again, how do you know he's not going to do the same thing he did the last time he felt safe, which was leave, right? And that's all for him to show you. That's not for you to try and persuade him on, that's for him to show you. Does that make sense? All right, question. This is from D.R.A. Verocasal, who says, do you think in a man-woman relationship, the man should be the one to make things official? I think that puts so much power in someone else's hands to think in terms of they're the one who has to make it official. You're the one who has to clarify at some point whether this person has the same intentions as you, otherwise you run the risk of wasting your time waiting for somebody else. If your time is valuable, you don't wait for somebody else to, you know, you don't go to somebody else and say, let me know when you're ready for a relationship, or when you're ready to say that this is, you know, an exclusive monogamous relationship. If your time and you, your energy is precious, then that's something you're constantly paying attention to. And tomorrow, I'm going to go through very specifically what that looks like in early dating, because clearly, if you're on a first date with someone, saying to them, where is this going? Or what are your intentions? Is a very aggressive way to start. It's a really, like, someone can be forgiven for thinking this is way too much. I feel like this is, you know, a reflection of their frustration or impatience or desperation, not a reflection of their standards, if they're saying this this quickly. So I want to talk tomorrow about what's the right way to measure their intentions in the early weeks and months of dating so that we don't waste our time unnecessarily. But you have to take responsibility for your own life. You can't wait for someone else to, you know, every step of the way, be telling you what it is, right? We have to be willing to tell someone else what it is. Otherwise, it's, you know, we're deferring to them and we're deferring to them on our life. Don't defer to someone else when it comes to your time and your energy. That's crazy to me. Let's see. All right. Another question has just come up on the screen. This one is from Marley, who says, I think I have serious phobia for relationship or marriage. I don't want to even call it fear. It's serious enough for me to call it a phobia. Is there like any way at all for me to come out of it? Well, I think it's important to explore what the root of that is and why it is you're really afraid, you know, clearly marriage or relationships have come to mean something extremely scary, extremely negative to you and understanding what is that fear really about and also understanding that and acknowledging that there are people in the world who don't have that phobia. And in fact, the good news about relationships and marriage is that there are many people in the world who don't have that phobia. It's not like you're, who's that guy, Alex something or other, who's the famous mountain climber who climbed El Capitan. It is Alex something or other, someone in the comments will no doubt know. But it's like, if you were trying to get over your phobia of climbing El Capitan, you would have a very limited pool of people available to you who would not share in some way your fear. Alex Honnold, yeah, Alex Honnold. There are very few people who would not share your fear of climbing without any kind of safety net, this sheer, you know, rock face. But in the case of marriage and relationships, there are plenty of people who don't share that fear. In fact, a huge proportion of the world are excited about relationships, are excited about marriage or are already in one and having the time of their lives and love it. So what we have to do is get around people who have different associations than we do and start to connect to what's going on with them that they are wired differently to me in this area. Where does their wiring come from? What associations do they have? What are the beautiful things that they experience here that I'm not experiencing, that I'm depriving myself of? And what are the fears that I have? And where are those fears unfounded? What's the fear beneath the fear? So for example, someone can have a fear, many people I coach have a fear of falling in love and getting close to someone, but there's a fear behind the fear. So what they fear is that when they, because they've fallen for someone in the past, they lost themselves. They gave everything to this person and they got steamrolled by this person as a result. This person took advantage of them, this person made them lose themselves, this person really, really broke their heart or manipulated them or used them. And so the association they've created is, I never want to fall in love again. But what, there's a fear beneath the fear. The surface level fear is I'm afraid to fall in love and get close to someone. But really the fear beneath that is if I get close to someone or if I develop feelings for someone, I can no longer trust myself. I can't trust myself to get out if someone starts treating me badly. I can't trust myself not to lose myself and give up all of the things that matter to me. I can't rely on myself to have my own back once I've decided someone is important to me. And so that's the thing that scares them to death, is I don't trust myself. So what you'll find when I'm coaching people a lot, especially if I'm on stage at one of my events or coaching someone in the Love Life membership that I have, is I'll be coaching one of my members and the surface level fear will not be the thing they're really afraid of. What they're afraid of is something deeper. And when we get to that, it starts to dissolve some of that phobia. Because now in the case that I just gave, it's not about learning to love love. It's about learning to trust yourself that when love goes wrong, you'll be able to have your back and do something about it and get out and protect yourself. And when you develop that trust, all of a sudden you feel free to go out there and find love again. So I would figure out what's the fear behind the fear, what's the association you've made that is not serving you. And I would get around people who have different associations and learn from them and the way they're wired and why they think differently about that thing than you do, get curious about that. And I would also look at what's the real fear beneath your fear. What's up, everyone? Just a quick note as a reminder, if you haven't already, go check out the replay of the event that I did this month. It was my last big event of the year, casual to committed, where I shared the three core principles for getting to commitment without games or ultimatums. Go check it out. I want to make sure no one misses this before it goes away. Lovelifereplay.com is the link. Audrey has just sent through a question from someone on Instagram from Jules, who says, today's dating is like a dopamine hit for men and women. So how do you show up differently to a first date that makes a man want to take you out again? This is the subject of so much of the work that I do with people who are members of my Love Life coaching program, because there are two things required, and we're going to talk about this tomorrow as well for everyone who's coming. There are two things that are required for commitment. One is that we need to be able to have a standard around what we expect from someone in return for our time and our energy. The second is that we need to have actually created value. And this is the part that a lot of people forget when they show up to a date, is they're like, this is what I want. And they haven't really thought about, but how do I make someone want that with me? How do I create value with another human being? And there are many ways that we create value, that we create value by having fun with someone. You know, that's one of the biggest ways that we have value, is does someone have a good time with us? We create value by having what I call unique pairings, which are combinations of things that make us attractive to have. So if you're someone who is intellectual and you know, can have really intelligent conversations, but you're also someone who can be fun and silly and goofy, or can be fun and silly and goofy, but also can flirt in a way that has a sexual energy to it, that makes someone kind of go, whoa, I felt that. If you have these, what I call unique pairings, I call them unique pairings because they're often qualities you don't find in the same person, in the same person. When you find those, you don't want to let go of someone because what you deduce is that they are a rare bird. They are a rare bird. This is an uncommon human being. So unique pairings make someone want to go on another date with us. They help us to stand out. Also, figuring out who someone is and what they need more of in their life. You know, I know when me and Audrey were first dating, I was, you know, very wrapped up in my work and what I was doing, and there was something about the energy that Audrey brought to me that was a lot calmer, and, you know, there was a playfulness to it, and there was a sense of valuing things that had nothing to do with work that felt like, oh, this is something that I need more of in my life. So when we feel from someone that they provide something that we maybe are not naturals at ourselves, we feel like, man, this is someone who's really going to add to my life. You know, James Hollis, Oliver Berkman, was telling me this the other day on an interview I did with him for the Love Life podcast. He talked about James Hollis's question, does this opportunity diminish or enlarge me? And when we're around someone who provides something that maybe we're not natural at ourselves and brings a different energy to us, it feels like it enlarges us. It feels like it makes us bigger, it expands us, and that makes us want to be around that person more. So look, people want to be around people they have fun with, they want to be around people who they feel are rare, and they want to be around people who help them to grow. And when you're around those three things, you don't want to let someone go. You want to see someone for another date, and one after that, and one after that. So that would be my answer to that question, but this is something I can't answer in five minutes. This is something that, you know, for people who are part of Love Life, I do with them over an entire year, because this is, it's a, you know, we're training ourselves to bring an energy to people, to bring a value to people in their lives that make us a really special human being for them. One more question, one more question. All right, it's above me, let me see. Okay, Demure says, Demure. Hi Matthew, what does commitment look like in practice? I've grown attached to isolating myself after past relational trauma, and I'm finally ready to start connecting again, but how do I show up? Oh, I don't know what to do, because you're taking me into one of the first of three principles that I'm going to talk about for commitment tomorrow, and I don't want to give the game away, because tomorrow is just a very complete training that I don't want to kind of throw away a point without getting to explain it. Look, I think commitment in practice looks like having an agreement with someone to begin with about what you're both doing together, like, are we exclusive? That's a commitment. Are we seeing where this goes, and while we do that, are we not sleeping with other people? That's a commitment. It's not a commitment to have a long-term relationship, but it's a commitment for right now. Are we, you know, are you leaving on a trip right now for the next four weeks, but we're committed to not hooking up with anyone else while you're gone, because we've had a great time these last few dates, and we don't want to ruin that. We want to pick it up where we left off when you get back. That's a commitment for the next month. Marriage is a commitment to a lifetime together, so there are different kinds of commitment, but commitment is we agree on something together, and one of the great dangers of commitment these days is that people just assume commitment. They don't actually speak about it. Who here has ever assumed commitment, and it bit you? You assumed that someone wasn't sleeping with someone else or with anyone else. You assumed they weren't seeing other people. You assumed that you were actually on the same wavelength, and it was going somewhere, and they were in a completely different place. Who here has ever fallen into that trap? I see you, Maddie, on Instagram saying yes. Megan, yes. So we know that there has to be a communicated component to commitment. It can't just be that I assume your commitment and you assume mine, and so I think demure for you, part of isolating yourself is of course protecting yourself, and what you need going into new relationships for your own peace of mind is agreements with people, but in order to have agreements, you need to know what you want, and you need to be brave enough to actually ask for what you want. So I'm going to leave it there because this is a great place to pick up again tomorrow. For anyone who's listening and you're like, this is exactly what I need, I am being intentional about finding, I want, or maybe I'm not, maybe I'm, but I want to be intentional about finding a real relationship. I have to tell you, there are subtle but profound differences in the way that people who are successful in finding long-term relationships act, behave, and demand from people who spend their lives hopping from casual relationship to casual relationship. I've spent 17 years studying this, this has been my life's work, and tomorrow I want to share with you some of my very best insights for how you can approach your love life if you are at a point in your life where you're like, I don't want to do the casual thing anymore, and I certainly don't want to become unintentionally trapped in a superficial dating culture where nothing ever goes anywhere. I want a real relationship, and I want to know how to bring a version of myself to the table that gets that from somebody else. All right, thank you so much for listening or watching wherever you get your love life podcast on Apple or Spotify or YouTube. I'm so happy that you're here. I appreciate all of the emails that you all send in, they mean so much to me. If you want to send me an email, podcast at matthewhussey.com is the link, and if you want to get that live free training with me while it lasts, go to lovelifereplay.com and check it out. I'm really proud of this one, I worked really hard on it for you all, so I don't want you to miss it. lovelifereplay.com is that link, send it out to some friends who could use it too, and create a watch party watching it. Why not? And I will see you in the next episode of Love Life. Thanks for being here.