Do Our Kids Really Not Owe Us Back For Raising Them?

[Music] brought to you by the every dollar app start budgeting for free today all right today's question comes from Robert in Texas my wife and I put our kid our children through college bought them cars and provided them for them till they moved out to this day we still pay their phone bills in spite the fact that our oldest child is a doctor and our youngest is a manager for a high-end retail company both earned sixf figure salaries due to unforeseen circumstances we were hit with two natural disas fers last year a a flash flood and a fire to our home we didn't have flood insurance but we're able to cash flow the repairs for the flood and are deductible for the fire we currently only have three debts two vehicles which replace the ones that we lost in the flood and our mortgage is $47,000 even though our children earn four to five times what we make they say according to your teachings in parenthesis they have no obligation to help us they have told us well Dad Dave Ramsey says to allow you to sink or swim because your debt is your obligation Are We Wrong to ask them for help or are they uh interpreting your advice incorrectly H wow um okay it doesn't sound like there're sing I mean first thing is it's weird when you pay your grown kids bills of any kind including their phone bill and you know whose fault that is Robert yours you should have cut that off when they left home I don't pay Rachel's dad gum phone bill I don't pay her Netflix billes Netflix passwort though well I didn't give it to her besides the point that's not the point the um so that's thing one thing two Robert when you raise children and as part of raising them um you buy them a car and pay for their college and when they leave college and they become successful adults that does not obligate them they're not in debt to you that was like your job you're the dad that's what you're supposed to do they're you know well I changed your diaper so you need to send me to France on a vacation what you I've heard this crap my whole life I do not understand it okay you your your children are not obligated to any of you because you did your job as a mother or a father they are not in debt to you because you fed them period so the entitlement that is dripping through this Robert uh you know my disgust with your entitlement yes that is my teaching that's a disgusting entitlement that you should think that your children owe you something because you were just simply a father and did what you were supposed to do my children are not obligated to me now uh I have never said Dave Ramsey says allow you to sink or swim because your debt Isn't Our obligation that is not a phrase that's not phrasing and verbiage that I would use so either your children have added drama to what I say or you have I'm not sure who what I would say is is it's not their job to take care of their mom and dad they are not morally or ethically obligated to do that now if they are able and Mom and Dad are in a pinch and they want to give Mom and Dad some money because there's somebody that I love and they're hurting I've never said not to do that but that's way different than being obligated by the fact that you simply did your job as their dad that's different okay so if you have car debt it's not because of the flood you had car insurance that would have repl placed your car in a flood flood insurance is on the real estate it's not on the cars so you cash flowed the repairs for the flood and the deductible for the fire because you had insurance on the house for the fire and we only have three debts two vehicles which replace the ones lost in the flood no they didn't you bought cars that were nicer than you had in the flood and that's why you're in debt you upgraded After the flood because you got a check from the car car company on your car insurance when you lost the cars in a flood and often times when people lose a car or get a car total they for some reason use that as an excuse to upgrade and go into debt when they weren't in debt before I do not understand but people do that like you did all the time Robert so that's not none of this is your children's fault and none of that is a natural disaster you actually cash flowed through the two tragedies congratulations and then went and got you a couple car payments to celebrate so um they are not obligated to pay your car they are not obligated to do this if they because they make six figures and you once gave them some food they're they're just not that is not how life Works buddy so but sink or swim I wouldn't we're not that harsh about it I just want to draw a line there's charity that is extracted through guilt is not charity if your children want to be charitable to towards you and give you something that's wonderful they've got money they do done well Mom and Dad just got a little mortgage a couple car notes we're going to reach over and knock them out just CU we love Mom and Dad but not because Mom and Dad think they're entitled to their money there's a difference yeah and he sounds a little resentful in some way yeah even though they earn four to five times what we make you know and Dave Ramsey says just tell you sink or swim you know it's like oh brother there's a little bit ofert I bought their cars I bought their cars bought their books and sent them to school this is always this is always a hard line for me the the adult child parent conversation because we get this a lot that the parents are struggling and the adult children are able to help um and even vice versa right the the parent has an adult child that needs help right that's always a that's always a hard boundary for me to navigate because it is so situationally specific um maturity specific relationally specific I mean there's just so much specific yeah I mean there's so many elements of it that can go quickly one way or the other but what is a in this case um when okay so a parent should never expect their child to help them but there is something honoring in about you know what I'm saying like like what's that taking care of because it's a cultural thing too in America we're very independent though you go to other cultures and it's a we bring Mom and Dad home like it's we are in America so that's where we are so that's where this question took place I'm not saying we're right either so I'm curious yeah we are and judgment I'll be curious here's the thing here's the thingman so the pro proper thing is Robert uh goes and says hey we need some help can y'all help us yeah not your children should give you money because you gave them cars and sent bought them books and sent them to school yes the entitlement versus the request in love yeah those are two different things yeah um but this is dripping in bitterness like they owe him something and that is not that's not that's not that's a non-starter the second thing is if you're going to help someone particularly someone you love particularly someone you love inside your family you should help them in a way that causes them to reach sustainability on their own not become dependent upon you and so if you reached over and paid off the house and paid off the cars it would be mom and dad you're getting on a budget you're going through Financial Peace University so that you can live on your money for the rest of your life and this is just going to give you a little smoothing here jump yeah it's going to give you a jump start so even when we're helping like your sister runs our family foundation and we're helping someone that's in in a poverty situation we don't just throw endless money at a poverty situation we throw money in a way in a way that causes the person to step up out of poverty and stay out mhm we're we're the lift out but we're not the keep them in yeah check I don't want to keep them in the I don't want to be the one writing check allow somebody stay in it so we're not enablers and that's the thing you got to get to on when you're on the giving 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