Narcissism: The Magical Thinking Behind Self Obsession

Hello, I'm Darmagee and today I'm just continuing in this series looking at some of the common characteristics, traits and behaviours associated with narcissism. Today I'm going to be looking at magical thinking. How that manifests in people with deeply ingrained narcissistic traits and why it seems to work for them sometimes. But I would like to begin by saying that all of us engage in a little bit of magical thinking from time to time. We can be creative, we can use our imagination. It can be harmless, even comforting for some people. We all like to daydream from time to time, even if what we're daydreaming about might be unrealistic. Sometimes we might even be a little bit superstitious, even if we know deep down there's no logic to it. But magical thinking can be problematic whenever it leads to unrealistic expectations or impairs someone's ability to make rational decisions. And in the context of narcissism, magical thinking, well at its most basic, is it's true because it fits my narrative. It's true because I think it. It's true because I feel it or it's true because I said it. But it's a cognitive distortion or belief system that upholds and maintains their sense of entitlement. Their belief of being special and unique and deserving of special treatment. Their belief that everything should always work out great for them. So some common examples of magical thinking in the context of narcissism would be first of all their unrealistic view of themselves. They're the center of the universe. They believe they are special and superior to others without substantial evidence to support these claims. In fact it could be said they believe this in spite of evidence to the contrary. But they can create elaborate fantasies about their own success, power, attractiveness and believe these fantasies to be actual realities. And the more they tell these stories to themselves, the more they tell them to others, it's like the more true they become. Which is why you might hear things like well everyone knows I'm a very kind person. Well maybe they don't. It's just that they've told a lot of people they're very kind. That's not the same thing. Secondly, as I've already mentioned, narcissistic people have a huge sense of entitlement and believe that they are deserving of special treatment and admiration. This entitlement can be seen as a form of magical thinking as they expect others to cater to their needs and desires without regard or having to reciprocate anything. They deserve the top job. They get a prize for just turning up. Their opinions, their feelings are often more important than facts. They should be able to get whatever they want through either their charm and persuasion or through their terrible tragic backstories. Next, narcissistic people believe themselves to be perfect and flawless. Quite often in order to be perfect and flawless, they tend to project their own errors, flaws, negative qualities or mistakes onto others. It's everyone else who is wrong. It's everyone else who lies and cheats. It's everyone else who is the narcissist. They can be very disagreeable and sometimes their arguments just come across as I've made my mind up. Don't be confusing me with facts. Rather than acknowledge a different point of view, never mind admit they may be wrong. They can go through a lot of mental gymnastics to twist reality into a version that suits their narrative. Or they might pretend they don't understand the other viewpoint. They might become aggressive, threatening, might even use insults to silence their opponents. I think the magical thinking here is if I can get them to be quiet, if I can get them to just shut up, then I've won. Thing is many narcissistic people also lack insight so they might not recognize that sometimes people just don't want to waste their time trying to reason with someone who has set out to be unreasonable. But in their minds they have won. Now quite commonly following the end of a relationship many narcissistic people engage in what's known as hoovering. And this is aimed at trying to reel someone back into the relationship. It often involves promises of things being so much better or extravagant gifts like a really expensive holiday somewhere. Now that narcissistic person might well be genuine with their promises of expensive gifts and so on. But they believe that that's going to undo all of the pain and misery they've caused. It's like the other person's going to forget all of that. Everything's going to be okay now. All the crap has just magically disappeared. It'll be forgotten forever. They now have a clean slate. And they can get quite frustrated if that doesn't work. Quite people often hear things like I'm really trying to make this work here. Why do you keep bringing up the So it's like one good generous act has wiped out everything else. All of the bad stuff has just magically disappeared. Narcissistic people can also be quite vindictive when they're trying to destroy someone's reputation or credibility or sabotage them. They don't necessarily see themselves as the villain. They believe themselves to have been wrong somehow. They are actually the victim turned hero. They're actually the good guy. Now regardless of what they get up to, their schemes, their lies, their malice, they believe they are justified and they're vitriol and this gives them what's known as moral immunity. Now the curious thing is in many instances their magical thinking does seem to work for them. There will always be those who will believe their lies, their self-glorifying fantasies, well believe it at least at first. But there may even be those who collude with them. There are also going to be those who will give them a second chance, a third chance, sometimes even a fourth. And there are those who will always bail them out somehow whenever things don't work out, whenever things blow up in their face. And this not only enables them but it reinforces their belief in their magical thinking. Things will always work out. So they continue to believe that they are above the rules and the reality that applies to everyone else. All they have to do is collapse in a heap, have a tantrum or blame someone else and somehow magically it will all work out. But even when it doesn't, whenever they do face the consequences of their own actions, in many cases they don't really learn anything new, they go on believing their own lies, their own fantasies. It is the consequences that are unfair. It is other people wanting them to fail out of envy or because of some personalized grudge. So in conclusion when it comes to magical thinking many narcissistic people live in a fantasy world where they are powerful and special and these fantasies protect them from the reality that they are responsible for their own actions and the consequences of their own actions. They also protect them from feelings of emptiness and shame. Now the curious thing is many narcissistic people often act in very shameful ways in order to escape feelings of shame. If they're caught behaving badly they might actually ramp up that bad behavior. They believe if they ignore reality it will go away. The more times they tell a lie the more true it will become. And facts, opinions that challenge their version of themselves can be ignored, rationalized or attacked angrily. Sometimes it can be difficult to discern whether it's delusion or denial or both. And people in relationships or environments with narcissistic people tend to learn to tiptoe around them to avoid triggering their maladaptive defense mechanisms that kick in whenever they're faced with reality. Again often due to a lack of insight many narcissistic people don't recognize that their magical thinking can lead to interpersonal difficulties. Their unrealistic beliefs and expectations often lead to conflicts and strained relationships with other people. Because people are supposed to see them the way they see themselves. Other people should see the world through their lens. They deserve whatever it is they want and other people should know what they want. Yes there can be a place for magical thinking. As I said we can think creatively. We can use our imagination. We can imagine preferred outcomes. But it is also essential to balance imaginative thinking with critical and evidence-based reasoning in most aspects of our lives. But sadly narcissistic people tend to go on just believing their own fantasies. So my final thought is if someone lies to themselves continuously why do you think they would be honest with you or indeed anyone else? So they're just some of my thoughts on magical thinking in the context of narcissism. Now there are other things I could have added such as predicting the future and mind reading and so on. But as always if there's anything I haven't added anything you might like to add yourself please feel free to use the comment box below. There are some interesting conversations stored from these videos. But if you found this video interesting please consider subscribing to my channel and until next time thanks for watching.