PUSHED HIM IN THE POOL!!

I'm going to eat it. Is that what you mean? Yeah. Me too. Sometimes she says things to me that are like... Gosh. You're kind of crazy. And you do this and you do this and I said yeah. Well you married me. Why don't you strip no more? I don't care if I know what I'm doing. It doesn't matter. No one's watching. Oh, babe. She wants to have more kids and then she does stuff like that. You can't swallow it. Why? It's gum. You don't swallow gum. It stays on your heart for seven years. Babe, that's a rumor. Have you not watched The Reading Rainbow? Before we were kids? Or The Magic School Bus? You can swallow gum. It's okay. You think The Magic School Bus teaches you real life? Yeah. That's PBS. What do you do? You say kama-sama's on every freaking thing. He did it. This isn't funny. Babe, you need to relax for a minute. If you're joking with me, I'm going to kill you. This is number seven. It's number four. Let me see it, Thomas. You did break it! Oh my gosh, it is broken! Do you know you just broke Dad's phone? Do you know you just did that? Who did that? Do you want me to help you get that booger? Simon, who did this? Daddy? No, you did it! I didn't do it. Open your mouth. One of these days, I'm going to do something back to you this rude. I'm going to choke slam you like WWE. On a serious note, what do you want to order? Tea? Psych! We're in our basement. You're so dumb. Hey, Siri. Oh yeah, I don't have you set up. Ashley accidentally deleted everything on my phone because I couldn't find my phone. It was in the house somewhere, so we looked it up on Find My iPhone, and Ashley logs in and is like, oh, it says if you lost your phone, click this. And then all of a sudden, guess what? I find my phone ten seconds later because it starts beeping, and my phone's like, phone erasing in three, two, one. She erased my entire phone. So guess what Johnny's number is on my phone? What? It's just Johnny's number. Probably. It's the other one. We got your crocodile. My hair actually looks good for that hair. Are you ready? I'm going to let you go. Ashley, come look at what your kids are doing. I didn't even teach them this. Here we go! You know these guys take after dad when this is what excites them. Here we go. There's a wet spot on the carpet. Somewhere! Oh gosh, there's another spider. You guys, every day, I kill three spiders on the stairs. These guys are just like their dad, huh? They'll find anything. They're like, what can we jump off? What can we slide down? What can we do? Do you want to be a ninja? Every time I go to the gym they're like, we want to fight! They're exactly like him. It's stressing me out. Oh, did you do that? With Simon. Oh, Simon did it. Of course. Simon did it with her crocodile. Oh, with her crocodile? Did you do this one? I feel like Colin blames Simon more, and Simon will walk in like Ashley had this Easter candy in her closet that she hides. It was tipped upside down and the candy was everywhere and the boys were on our bed watching a movie and I'm like, what? Who did this? Simon's like, I did it. It was me. And he came running in and was like, yeah, I did it. I'm like, so you ready to go to timeout? He's like, yeah, I did it. I'm like, what the heck? But if you ask Colin, even if Colin did it, Simon did it. And sometimes Simon will be like, yeah, I did it. Oh, he broke that one too. Simon, do you want to defend yourself? Did you do that? I'm not hurt. You're not hurt? No. Did you do that? And a crocodile. He just admits it. Okay, it was me. Want to ride with him? Yeah. Double ride with me. Who wants a brother? Whoa! Can I just take a picture of you in the nut? Looks yummy. All the pictures I get from Johnny are like extreme sport, like jumping off the house. Ashley's in a donut. It's like this is a legit photo shoot. Can we get some better lighting, Johnny? You're working it. Do you want to get some more poses or are you good? I think that's enough. John's in a hole. Killed by a donut. Guys, let's play baseball. See, Simon's like... Your son just pulled his wiener out. No, it was so little. I know you can't see it from there. Got him! I get so scared that my body shuts down when I see a spider. I swear. This will be me working out with Ashley. She'll be doing the workout. Make sure she's got good form. She'll do six. I'll be like, do ten. Shut up, Thomas. No, I don't. I'm done. She scares me. Most people are afraid of this. But I'm afraid of this. Look how stiff his legs are. I'm going to kill you! You got me wet! Well, whatever. I don't know how to swim so I doggy paddle. Psych! I tried to push her in, but I'm a good spouse. And I wouldn't actually do that. I'm so much smarter than planning revenge on her because if I actually pushed Ashley in, I'd probably lose my allowance. And that's a big deal. One day, though, I will push her in the water. I swear I will. But no one will be around to see it because the aftermath will be bad. Oh yeah, the sun wants to come out now. Real cool, Earth. Can we go under the water? No! Ready? That's the best part. Want me to hold you? She didn't even do that. She said, I survive off of snacks. Guys, Uncle Russ wants to get you guys Happy Meals. Babe, can you grab me a shirt? Uh, whatever. I'm always naked anyway. Okay, so the pool you guys always see us playing in, coolest pool ever, it's Larry Pools and Spas. They're so great about anything. I grew up with them when I was a kid. They're a whole family, so I've known them for a really long time. The depth of the pool is perfect, obviously, because I'm jumping off crazy heights. But yeah, they're awesome. And I love everything they do, so if you guys ever need a pool, be sure to hit those guys up. They even have a Facebook page you guys can go and follow. Okay, can I take a nap? Mommy's hitting me. Get Mommy with the balls! Stop! Bite him! Bite him! I won't bite you guys. Boob shot! Say no kissing. It's called a double shot. Simon, tell me if this hurts. No. What about this one? Okay, tell me if this one hurts. Colin, tell me if this hurts. That doesn't mean to be your girlfriend over text. I didn't even have a phone until like 2014. That's the mute button. Do you guys know she actually pees if you make her laugh too much? I don't have any. She can pee in her pants. I don't have control. I'm going to say swear words to you. Put that in the vlog. I just poked your head. Dad's a grizzled bear. He's like a snow plow. Instead of having a vlog, we're going to switch it up. Simon, is this cooler than a vlog? A flog. A flog? Family? Family log? A family log! Simon, say flog. So we're starting a new trend. And this is going to be a flog. With an F. Okay? Everybody say vlog. Now X out the V. And put an F there. A flog. Cut! Throw it to Cohen. Okay, eat it. Simon, get it out of his mouth. Simon, eat it now. Give me it back. 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