Tipping is a foul practice, a blight on society, and, unfortunately, an American institution that will not go away
I was seventeen. Anything can be excused when you’re seventeen, so pity me.
I invited a girl on a date to a medieval-themed restaurant, where diners would eat tri-tips while watching a live jousting tournament. The perfect prelude to some postprandial hanky-panky.
The performance was pretty good. The tri-tip was the temperature and texture of a first-baseman’s glove. But I was convinced the overall evening was impressive enough to get me to second base—that is, until we were leaving, and our server came sprinting after us like he was trying to stop a bank robbery.
“Excuse me, sir,” he said, with barely controlled anger and contempt. “Was there anything wrong with the service tonight? I noticed you didn’t leave a tip.”
Oof! Forget second base. Forget first base. Right there, on that Beach Boulevard sidewalk, I died a little bit.
In my defense, I somehow reasoned that everything was included in the price ($12.95 per person, in 1970-era dollars). So right there, under the streetlights, with a pretty girl staring at me the way you’d stare at a raccoon that had wandered into a restaurant, and an angry waiter more or less holding out his hand, I reached into my wallet and managed to fish out a soggy five-dollar bill, which I handed to him. He then ran off to hunt down a handful of other gratuity ingrates.
Since that day, I have become an expert on tipping. You can rely on me. For you Brits, Aussies, and the few Bolivians among my subscribers, I present the Definitive Guide to Tipping in the United States, a system so confusing that Americans themselves are just guessing. You’re welcome.
You Know Where the Word ‘Tip’ Came from, Right?
The word “tip,” as everyone knows, is an acronym for the Old English phrase, “To Irritate People.” At least, that’s what it seems like. If it makes you feel any better, Americans are just as clueless about their own tipping customs as are overseas visitors. So here’s a handy rule of thumb: Some workers expect a tip of 15-20% of the bill, some are used to a dollar-per-service gratuity, and some don’t deserve/expect any handout at all.
You’ll always be safe giving a tip of 15% (calculated before tax, because the government doesn’t deserve a portion of your generosity) for decent service or 20% for excellent service. Here’s a brief list of those workers: waiters/waitresses, spa technicians, taxi drivers, the guy who ties the Christmas tree to the roof of your car, and barbers/hairdressers. Or anyone else who goes out of their way to be helpful when it’s not required. I just tipped a guy in the Home Depot lumber department for cutting three pieces of plywood to very precise measurements. I’m not even sure he was an employee, but the $5 tip was worth it!
Their tips—in fact, all tips—are paid only after the service is performed (otherwise, it’s called a bribe).
Wait—So Everyone Gets a 15-20% Tip?
Here’s where it gets tricky. Some workers are tipped on a dollar-per-service basis. Examples: bartenders ($1 per drink, more for a super-glam cocktail with an umbrella and a backstory), bellhops ($2-$5 per bag), washroom attendants ($1), hotel maids ($2-$5 per day), car-park valets ($2-$5), coat-check attendants ($1 per item), tour guides ($5-$10, even for free tours—especially for free tours), airport skycaps ($3-$5 per checked bag), and hotel concierges ($10-$20, and possibly a thank-you note, if they do something special, such as procure hard-to-get theater tickets or reservations at a restaurant-of-the-moment).
But remember: Not everyone gets a tip. Keep your money in your pocket when it comes to workers at fast-food restaurants, salon owners, grocery clerks, anyone whose bill includes an automatic service charge or gratuity, and people who serve you from behind a counter, because at that point you’re basically just shopping.
Final Thoughts on How To Get to Second Base
To come full circle, the girl I took to Medieval Times finally dumped me, and honestly, I don’t blame her. In fact, had she stayed with me, I would have lost all respect for her. At least it got me thinking about tipping.
But here’s the one thing worth remembering, tucked underneath all the dollar amounts and etiquette landmines: Tipping in America is never legally required. Skip it, and the worst that happens is a dirty look, not handcuffs. Nobody’s calling the cops on you for under-tipping, no matter how personally our servers seem to take it.
That said, a lot of these workers genuinely depend on tips to make a living, so toss a couple of bucks in the busker’s guitar case, slide the bartender something extra, and smile when you round up the bill for your waitress. It costs you almost nothing, it makes you feel like a minor celebrity for about four seconds, and unlike most things in this country, it’s actually a pretty nice system once you understand it.
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