Two Therapists Deeper Understanding of Narcissism. #narcissisticparents #narcissist

What is love? Baby don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. No more. Don't hurt me. It's alright. What is love? Baby don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. Welcome everybody once again to a Safe Place Podcast. We're going to talk a little bit more this week about narcissism. It's a very important topic Craig because I don't think the majority of people out there actually understand what narcissism is. But because it's a culturally hip word to use and throw around at people at the minute, people use it idly. They actually believe they understand what a narcissist is. They accuse somebody of whom they believe to be a narcissist. And it's based upon a misinterpretation, a misunderstanding and a lack of digging to understand actually the real meaning, the real concept behind the word narcissism, isn't it? Yes, very true. And with psychology today, you hear a lot of stuff, you watch a lot of videos, and you think that what the person is saying is actually breaking down a good understanding of narcissism. It's not. It's not right. No. And if we look at it now, one thing that I think of, and I can project in my own awareness of my own narcissistic tendencies, and it's the fact that we're all narcissistic. We sent a video out last week on narcissism, we posted it on a narcissistic Facebook group, and the hate that came back by a qualified therapist, a qualified psychologist, telling us that we were narcs, which is the abbreviation term for narcissist, on this group. They blamed us for being narcissistic because we were trying to liberate empaths from being in a relationship with somebody that constantly abuses them. And I use this metaphor, if you walked up to a lion and fed the lion, and the lion bit you, what an empath would do is they'd blame the lion for biting them. In other words, they would blame the narcissist for hurting them. And in reality, the empath has walked up to a lion and gotten bitten and hurt. And what an empath should be able to do is go, hold on a minute, my actions, my behaviours, my past trauma has led me up to carry out this behaviour, and I've walked into a room where I've got hurt, not where somebody's hurt me, I'm allowing myself to get hurt. And the reason that they have acted negatively towards this news, which is going to liberate them, which is going to free them from the narcissist's clutches, if you will, is because they have an ego defence. And they know that deep down, you're asking them to change their behaviour. You're asking them to be something that they can't be. The very question that they asked the narcissist to do. Absolutely right, Craig. It's incredible. You are spot on right. I am hoping somebody that's classed as having a narcissistic disorder to change, while I am completely oblivious to the idea that I don't have to change, it's them. And that's the problem, isn't it? And the reason why this doesn't make any sense is because there's people out there, qualified therapists, that will explain that there's a big difference between a narcissist and an empath in a relationship. Now, although the patterns of behaviour could be morally different, one could be more aggressive, one could be more manipulative and sort of negative traits, what we see is that both people have, in the past, had a traumatic experience that has led them to be the people they are today. And that doesn't get the results that they want in relationships, which we just put together and say, right there, you're actually looking at a paradox, a polarised opposite of yourself. You are looking at a paradox, a polar opposite of yourself. What's interesting is, I understand completely the empath, what they've done is they've got into a relationship with somebody at first, that showed them all of the love they've ever needed. You know, what we're looking at here is how we are conditioned to find love. And naturally you've got into a relationship with somebody to give you and supply you with every need that you've never had met before and they're providing you with the needs now. So you fall head over heels in love with this person. And then over a period of time, this person that you brand as a narcissist, their true issues, their true trauma starts to come out, their controlling behaviours. And it's done very slowly and subtly before, without even realising it, you are now in an abusive relationship where you are hurt, you suffer and your needs are put second. Now it's quite interesting that if you put a lobster in cold water, and you put it on the pan and you turn the gas on, over a period of time the lobster won't really notice the subtle difference in temperature until it reaches the point where it's been boiled, it's dead. It's not even noticed what's going on and this is why I empathise with the empaths because they too are that lobster, it's happened very slowly, very subtly and then before you know it they're in the ----, they're in the bad relationship and they are suffering. Now what I really struggle to comprehend is that when they know that their needs aren't being met, when they are put second every single step of the way, when they are hurt and abused, they still allow the person to boil them, they still allow the person to abuse them. And I understand also why they do that, I've been in an experience where, I would say that I've been in an experience of both witnessing narcissists and empaths, both as the person and as the relationship with the person, and what I see is that you will overrule your desire for comfort and what's right for you, or this little bit of what we call love, and we think that, I mean it's a loose word really, what is love, what are you after, and it's something that you can't give to yourself and you expect somebody to give it to you, almost telepathically. Well think about it, yeah I agree 100% now, are we born as children feeling love or do we learn to love ourselves through our relationships with our parents? So we are always dependent like a child suckling on the mother's breast for nourishment, vitamins, minerals, love, giving energy, we are too looking for that through the relationship with the parent, so we are unconsciously wired to look for something to nourish us and fulfil us through an external relationship with somebody else. Now this is where you've got to expand your consciousness or awareness, that is who you were, now it's screaming out for you to grow into the fact that you've got to be the nourisher of your own emotions, you've got to fulfil yourself, and it's a difficult process isn't it? People don't even know that that even exists, never mind where to start, they don't even know there's a process out there that exists because it was never taught to them in school. And this is what I'm ******* saying, it's like come on guys you've got to start doing the research, you're on a Facebook group, on a narcissistic Facebook group, dealing with people and slagging people off that you are in relationships with as being narcissistic and having a narcissistic disorder, you are expecting somebody that you have labelled as having a disorder to change, while being completely unconscious that you've got to change as much as them, or you both don't have to change, find an empath to fall in love with. That's it, why do you have to change, why do you have to let go of your loving feeling? Okay so leave, I've seen your defence of the podcast on there, and when you say leave the partner that you're uncomfortable with, that seems like it's not an option for them, and it's because they are addicted to something that the narcissist gives them, whether it's small amounts of this love, whether it's the attention of being the victim which is another thing that an empath can do, or whether it's the pain, they're addicted to feeling the pain because it feels familiar, it feels normal for me to desire and want the needs of somebody that can never fulfil my needs, what's that like, was that the relationship like it was with your father, was that what it was like with mum, did mum and dad put you second all the time, did they not give a ---- about you basically, would they fulfil you once out of your 20 attempts to be fulfilled, so you learnt to feel pain 19 times in the cycle before you felt that one high of feeling good, was it the amount of pain that you felt to feel good that one time, that actually made that one time feel like heaven, like bliss, so now you are unconsciously wanting to feel pain on such a painful suffering level, because you're looking for this dopamine high, this bliss of fulfilment, you're creating this and you cannot blame the narcissist, you've got to wake up, being conscious is like waking up, it's like waking up to yourself, you need to either accept that you're with somebody in a narcissistic relationship and accept them for who they are, that's what love is, accepting someone for their ugliness and their beauty, don't expect somebody to love you and give you the acceptance when you can't give them that, that's the closest we can get to an unconditional love, and this isn't us saying also put up with their behaviour, this is saying the tools are here from us to you, to tell you because of our experience and our understanding of the human mind, how to set up boundaries to change the behaviour in the other person, to make sure that you don't get hurt anymore if you decide to stay in this relationship, absolutely right and you make a key point there Craig, you can change them but it's through an understanding and acceptance of them, OK I'm going to put my boundaries first, I'm going to be a narcissist in this instance, I'm not going to tolerate you abusing me emotionally, psychologically, absolutely physically, I'm not going to allow that, I'm going to walk away and feel the pain and the heartache of walking out of that relationship that I need to fulfilment, because I don't want to keep pursuing that fulfilment in a relationship that destroys my soul, and within one hour, within two hours, within two days, you'll start to feel this comfortable feeling of you need this small percent of love, whatever it was that you got from this person, so you'll want to give in, you'll want to give in and go back, and the other person is doing the same and then you're in this duel, you're having this invisible battle aren't you, I'll tell you what, if you could imagine it as a metaphor, you've got a devil dancing with an angel, now the beautiful thing is the empath would project onto the narcissist that they're the devil and the empath's the angel, the incredible thing is the devil and the angel live in both of you, and we're going to tell you the tools on how to do this, I watched another video for some research on this, and the lady spoke about things to do for the empath that will annoy and irritate the narcissist, this was a therapist that had 400,000 views on this video, the stuff in it was dangerous for an empath, we don't want you to piss off the narcissist, because if you're with a violent narcissist this is going to get a lot worse, some people might have been killed based on this video, and the police wouldn't even know it's based on something you've said the night before, there is a therapist that's obviously been in a narcissistic relationship with somebody who's been deeply hurt, and now all she wants to do is teach people how to project that pain out and play games with a narcissist, now if you're playing games with somebody that's on a psychotic spectrum, that's on a self-reliant I need control spectrum, and you're trying to abuse them by trying to take and play around with their control, how are you not going to expect that their behaviours are going to get worse, this is a therapist that is acting completely unethically, she's completely acting out her pain through filtering information to you that acts it out for her, and it will feel good because it's like oh my god I can get one over on the narcissist, I can now make him feel like ---- like me, that's it and you've become the narcissist, you've become it straight away, 100% you've projected into the thing that you hate and dislike, so then you'll also have a double loop of feeling guilty, when you unconsciously acknowledge that you've done that, you'll be like oh my god I am now the narcissist and I'll just attract empaths for the rest of my life, 100% and you think back to the beginning of this song, what is love baby don't hurt me, you know what I think the narcissist and the empath sing that just as loudly as each other, don't hurt me, don't take away my control, and the empath is basically saying don't hurt me, don't take away my control, they're both singing the same song, so as therapists what are we going to do, we've got to look and concentrate on relationships Ron, now a relationship the best metaphor I can use is it's like a dance, you both want to do a ballroom dance that you've synchronised perfectly, now at the start of a relationship that's never going to happen, you can't just dance with somebody perfectly, so imagine that it's a slow process of you learning your own behaviours, your own problems, your own little dance moves if you like, on what you do and what they don't like, then it's not to sacrifice all yourself which the empath does, I'll give over everything myself to stay nice, just so I can learn the same old repeated pattern of nourishing myself, by getting that one fix out of 15 attempts of pain, and they take on this mantle now of the angel, I'm the angel because I've sacrificed all my life for this person, I'm going to dance exactly like he dances, no it's not that, it's building up your boundaries, so that person goes in line with you, you bring it down to the angel level that they think you are, and the narcissist will bring you up to their level that they think that you should be at, and you'll find a perfect balance, relationships are all about having the perfect balance of all needs being met, and doing what you can do, and what the other person needs you to do, and that's exactly what we're going to talk about in the next podcast, so I think we've broke it down pretty well here, and understanding that the narcissist and the empath are both the same individual, both acting out childhood trauma, trying to alleviate difficult traumatic experience and find some sense of control and comfort again, and what we're going to do in the next podcast, we're going to break down how an empath can work through this, how a narcissist can work through this, because ultimately I empathise with the narcissist as much as I do with the empath, at the end of the day a narcissist is a kid that's been through ----, or a kid that's been massively spoiled, and made to feel like it's the number one centre of attention in the whole world, to the point where, and one of the interesting things on that Facebook group was, a lot of people were going no, my partner was completely spoiled, well that's a form of abuse, because what it's done is it's made him the centre or her, the centre of the universe, so when their needs aren't being slowly met, they go into complete chaos, and they need to try and control you to make their universe become orderly again, and this also accidentally goes into the whole problem, the whole universe, which is, you don't like it when somebody does something that you don't like, or you don't know, like the little spoiled kid, I wasn't spoiled, so why was that kid spoiled, now put your own mind in the mind frame of the child who's spoiled, and you'll see, he can't see anywhere else, there's nothing that exists outside of that world, he's been imprisoned by an environment that sculpted his psychology as an ocean, exactly like the world that you live in, yes, 100%, and we're trying to smash down that greenhouse of ******* bullshit fog, that you've been brainwashed with, to realise there's alternative realities outside of yourself, and you don't actually have to be affected by anything that happens outside of that, or naturally because human beings don't like to feel uncomfortable, they choose comfort over discomfort, which means them actually creating false realities that are delusional and illusional, a lot of empaths will be listening to this and going, you know what, load of bollocks, I don't have to change, because guess what, change is difficult, we all unconsciously know change is difficult, so you're going to choose the easy option, which is just to hate the narcissist and blame them, and for you guys that are doing that, good luck, because the next few years of your life are going to be massively difficult, while you keep blaming the narcissist for how you feel, and if there is an empath out there, I'd like to tell you this one thing, to make you understand why you can't change, ask yourself why you can't leave, if you know and you state on a narcissist website, everything that's bad about this person, and you tell your friends and family that you're in a bad relationship, why can't you walk away, what is the reason, and you'll come up with ten false ones, you'll come out with he's manipulative, he always gets me back, he always attempts suicide if I leave him, you'll come through all these barriers, and you'll realise, just not mentally, physically, almost like a spiritual strength, to do it, for you to be happy, all alone, for that short period of time, with a separation, and the reason why you can't do it, in the same way that a narcissist now has a disorder, through childhood trauma, or childhood spoiltness, which is just as traumatic unconsciously in a sense, as pain, physical, emotional, psychological pain, you also have a trauma, a disorder, you are in a relationship that's unfulfilling you, a narcissist is in a relationship that's unfulfilling him or her, you both deserve a healthy, happy, loving relationship, and you both can't give it to each other at the moment, you and them, so the next podcast, we're going to break down how you do this, and it's going to be the truth, it's going to be frank, whether you can man or woman up to it, is a different situation, because ultimately it's going to be uncomfortable, this isn't an easy process, but I guarantee you in the short term, if you can go through the difficulty, of weaning yourself off the bottled milk, that you've been used to drinking, and go with a different priority, that doesn't taste as good, which is massively uncomfortable, in the end you're going to be more fulfilled, more happy and blissful at the end of it aren't you, so thank you everybody for tuning in.