Relationships and Narcissism narcissism relationships narcissist #narcissist #narcissism #narcissisticabuse #toxicpeople

You must think that I'm stupid, you must think that I'm a fool. You must think that I'm new to this, but I have seen this all before. I'm never gonna let you close to me, even though you mean the most to me. Cause every time I open up it hurts, so I'm never gonna get too close to you. Even when I mean the most to you, in case you go and leave me in the dirt. And every time you hurt me, the less that I cry. And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry. And every time you walk out, the less I love you. Baby, we don't stand a chance. It's sad, but it's true. I'm way too good at goodbyes. I know you're thinking I'm heartless. I know you're thinking I'm cold. I'm just protecting my innocence. I'm just protecting my soul. welcome everybody once again to a safe place podcast and Craig what it is that you want to get off your chest tonight mate once you've fucked around stop ******* around with that ******* phone what do you want to get off mate what's that song all about what's it saying what are you saying Sam Smith has done a song that doesn't get any acknowledgement for the deepness of the song because every human being does exactly what that song says they close their heart off to love they don't realize they're doing it everybody in a relationship thinks they're just oh they're better with fears they're better in relationships what they've actually done is closed off all of the avenues to actually feel like the innocent child that can love unconditionally do you know what I've learnt through relationships and ******* them up like an idiot is that the reason why relationships fail or my relationships have failed is because I couldn't love the other person more than I loved myself and what I mean by that is you're carrying all of this baggage through life aren't you which creates all of these defense mechanisms to secure your own sense of well-being and that you unconsciously pursue that sense of well-being above the other person when you feel triggered when you feel insecure you act out your unconscious behaviors to seclude yourself to avoid the confrontation of an adult discussion between you and your partner you'll hide away you'll become distant all because the only person that you've ever cared about more than anyone in your life is yourself and the problem with that is and we're talking about a culture now that talks about self-love like no one's got it and the thing is everybody's got self-love when you came out your mom's vagina you know I've changed it poetically when you was birthed from the internal universe of mother into the here and now that's another better way of putting it isn't it you screamed and cried because you needed to feel better when you've reached for your toys and smacked them over the head of the other sibling you did that because you wanted what was best for you and when you feel insecure and you become avoidant and distant and really incommunicative the result is you push somebody away and that somebody most of the time in my experience is doing the same thing as you it's no wonder why relationships are on their knees it's quite sad actually isn't it we do not learn not really sad you know why because once we dump the personal they jump us we get to go out on their time and start the ---- all over again cuz we've learned ******* nothing now I'm self loving me I am self loving me now cuz I was with a narcissist I was with a narcissist somebody that only cared about themselves yet you only cared about yourself didn't you you put up with that behavior over and over and over again because you wanted to change that person somebody you wanted to be loved by but you couldn't and you couldn't accept them for who they were putting their feelings first and as a result of that you go through trolls and tribulations and end up broken and at the end of it all without even any conscious awareness you blame it on the other person and say they're a narcissist and they couldn't love me the world is fucked up and I'm just as fucked up as the world that's brought a tear to my eye that as it's a moving tale but it's but the point of it is that we're so easy to label the problem without looking within ourselves and saying how come we attract evil because you're too ******* nice how can you be too ******* nice Wow the reason that you can be too nice is that you can basically give somebody the opportunity to abuse you because of that niceness what is a narcissist a narcissist that only cares about their own feelings above somebody else's now why are you nice why are you a nice person handed over all of your power to a narcissist because you grew up in an environment where you couldn't get what you wanted directly so you have to be the helper you have to be the provider you have to learn really sophisticated very subtle unbeknownst to you unconscious levels of behaviors to try and get what you wanted indirectly if I can give them everything hopefully they can give me what I need which is love you are no different from the narcissist it's just a narcissist directly goes out of his or her way to get what they want and you go indirectly out of your way to get what you want polar opposites of the same ******* problem and what can we do to build a beautiful relationship well we have to understand ourselves you have to understand why things happen why we get triggered by things that happen in a relationship I mean I look at people now and I don't know how anybody is in a relationship I don't understand how people are both together in a relationship as if there's the true reality of what is actually coexisting in the relationship isn't ---- if you look at somebody like you said about the breakup when you get a breakup the first thing you do is start to look after yourself you start to slim down and look and feel good because you have to you have to fill the void that's not there from the partner anymore and the crazy thing was you was looking after yourself when you was putting on weight or losing weight because you was uncomfortable in your relationship someone had changed the goalpost basically to to be the one that where you felt content with yourself and it was okay to put a bit of weight on it I am gonna let somebody completely go out of their way to get what they want even though it makes you miserable I'm gonna put up with it over and over and over and over again because hopefully the 15th time I'll give them what they want and they never give me what I want hopefully they finally give me what I want and when they don't I blame them for being a narcissist rather than looking at myself and going what is actually going on in me which allows somebody that goes out for what they want directly puts me into a position of suffering and pain what is it that I'm doing not what they're doing what is it that I'm doing and now people out there will be angry at this because it's like there is a time where you're unconsciously brainwashed from the other partner and you don't understand that conscious awareness not realizing that you are just to blame but you won't do anything to change that and what what's amazing is if you carry on basically tipping out a water from a boat with a massive hole in it without fixing the hole you're gonna sink always gonna be hard work suffering pain and an unconscious blind spot in your own life which means the past same behaviors are gonna keep coming up over and over and over again why does your partner do certain things because you let them you allow it you don't set any boundaries no absolutely not the incredible thing is look that as children of this universe which we all are no one's got the roadmap on how to sort any of this ---- out have we none of us have and when we're talking about boundaries boundaries are massively important but look if I'm a flawed human being that can't obey your boundaries you know let's say a narcissist is going I don't want you to go out I don't want you to do anything that makes me feel insecure I want to feel control if you can't give that narcissist that how do you ever expect the narcissist to be able to give you what you want this is like a complete mirror reflection of yourself what is an empath an empath is somebody that stands on a negatistical level platform that says I care about people and I'll get hurt in the process and I'll get hurt over and over and over again but I'll give my heart why do you do that over and over again why do you keep giving your heart because you hope at the end of the day somebody's gonna take your heart and not stamp on it and you know what the narcissist was an empath that gave its heart to somebody want yes well said Craig absolutely a narcissist was somebody that grew up in an environment 50% of the time that gave his or her heart to somebody and that person like a parent destroyed that heart and it created a massive amount of pain so the child adapted its personality then to try and get what it wanted in the future which was more direct ways it adapted its persona its personality now that narcissist is stuck in a behavior a personality that's learnt the best outcome for getting what it wants is to go about it directly and selfishly now you're no different you learnt growing up that sometimes talking and caring about the parents needs and wants meant you was more likely to get what you want but now you're stuck in this horrible dance where somebody is destroying you because they've learnt to get better results through what they want and you're stuck in a pattern of behavior which means you learnt to get what you want by giving them and giving them what they needed and you're stuck and rather than going oh my god I'm the same as the narcissist what you do is because the narcissist causes you direct pain you go you're the problem you're the bad person and that's just like getting on the boat the boats filling up and as you said earlier on instead of dealing with the hole where the waters coming in all you're doing is collecting little puddles of water in your hands and you're throwing it out the boat and it's always gonna be sinking you're always on that sinking ship and you know them problems that you have and the mental health conditions that you have and the negative feelings that you have and the disarray that you're in this because you don't feel meaningful you don't feel worthwhile you haven't sorted out your ---- as we like to call it now let me tell you a secret about true mental health there's only one mental health condition that truly exists and that is when you see that there is no meaning in any relationship that you're ever going to look at this Craig you said you're looking for your meaning or your worth in us aren't you incredible thing is about the empath somebody that gives to somebody is they learn that giving to their parents meant there was more likely to get their needs met the narcissist learnt that going about reality and directly trying to get what they wanted it's more likely to get their needs met in other words they both learned how to find their worth and now you're stuck in a paradoxical relationship where both of you are trying to get what you want but it's going into direct conflict with what you learn the ways you learn to get what you want and you're a magnate to evil people because they look out to you and see you and think I can take advantage of you, and we both know they're not evil don't we and the empath can look out to evil people and say guess what I can save them I can change them I'm gonna fix that broken person not looking in the mirror and seeing that you're all shattered just pain from the past if I can fix daddy's alcohol problem if I can fix daddy's abuse and violence towards mom if I can fix the way daddy doesn't want to spend time with me and make him love me that stuck unconscious pattern of behavior will reflect itself over and over again in your current relationship and your future ones after that even when you leave and you have the courage to leave that person will only attract the same thing if you don't do the inner work you don't try and change yourself and what is the inner work Craig unfortunately inner work is the opposite of what you've unconsciously pursued your whole life you've been looking for worth through the old unconscious coping mechanism behaviors to get what you want and it's not working but sometimes on that journey you get a little bit of nourishment or a compliment from the person that you call the narcissist so for you to change it means you have to go to nobody giving you worth because you learn to get worth from somebody else now you're left with you a void and emptiness where you never learned to be able to give yourself the worth that you was born to even acknowledge you was born to acknowledge that just by being in a body breathing born into this reality that you had a birthright of worthiness and you need to tap into that that's the only way out of this and the only way you can tap into it is actually do the opposite of what you want which is to feel ---- it's actually go I need to reset the whole program the old program for me to find worth through somebody else give me acknowledgment respect love worthiness and it doesn't work I need to stop that desire that impulse to find it through them oh problem is when I go back to me there's nothing there there's nothing to give me that that's what you got to go towards yeah and find a way of giving it yourself it that's it and unfortunately you are becoming every fear every polarized opposite of a fear from your past all the time that when you start to relearn differences and you start to maybe the first step is you get into a next relationship and you found somebody nicer and he's meeting all these needs now everyone's nice at first and yeah and you realize that your ---- has totally changed you've done the inner work learnt a bit about spirituality or you've educated yourself and you think that you've found it and then all of a sudden when that boyfriend girlfriend say something that triggers one little percentage of that memory from the past the monster in you empath or narcissist will come straight back to the surface and you'll and it never went away and you know the incredible thing is Paul when we look at what psychosis is it's creating the mind creates because of the suffering that it's going through an alternate reality that feels better to be it creates alternate realities culturally now when you see all of this talk about narcissism what's a narcissist how to spot a narcissist culturally we won't remass psychosis because we're not aware of what the ****'s going on and that's actually not a bad thing unfortunately the modern-day doctors and therapists of the world actually label psychosis as some sort of problem it's actually the starting point of a whole new journey of acknowledgement to what this reality and this experience actually is okay so you saying that the psychosis is a part of the uncomfortable journey from the womb through the birth canal to being born into a new state of awareness the rebirth as an adult the rebirth as a new child without trauma so what you're saying really is that even though we are under a cultural psychosis that has to blame the other or being unconscious how we're the same thing is that that difficulty in suffering eventually will create a flip side where the person will do the conscious work within themselves and break those old patterns of cycles grow ultimately it's a growth process isn't it what we see at the moment which is happening every day is that the carnage of two separate segregated problems and it can be race it could be sexuality it can be any label you want religion yeah and what we see that eventually we are going to move to the point of crisis psychosis and a point where it comes to a head which is where culture is roughly at right now isn't it yes that's it and everyone having a different opinion and saying that I look at that person outside of me it's different to me completely segregated with its belief systems and views and morals and I want to kill that person or avoid that now let's give people some urgency you make a very valid point the opportunity to grow and expand beyond our old previous selves as a result of the psychosis that we're in is an opportunity to find ourselves again to find that worth that we should have been acknowledged and born into without the toxicity of parents only loving us in the way that they wanted to be loved to make us toxic in a sense the flip side to it is if we don't wake up to the self the individual that's partaking in it rather than blaming the other society is going to rip itself to shreds isn't it that's it we can only fight only decapitate the vision in front of us not realizing that he's actually decapitating yourself you said decapitating twice and it's a lovely word to end the podcast on thank you everybody for tuning in decapitate