Have you ever been stumped about what to say when your child is upset? Listen in as Certified Instructor Amy Speidel shares two phrases you can try the next time your child experiences emotions like sadness, anger, disappointment, or even fear.
The magic words are...
"You seem..." (take your best guess at their emotion: angry, sad, scared, disappointed, frustrated) "You wanted..." (your best guess at what they wanted: ex. a turn with the toy, extra time on your tablet, etc.).
These phrases are part of the Skill of Empathy and specifically the D.N.A. Process, which stands for Describe, Name and Acknowledge and is the formula we use to help support a child when they are upset. Learn more about that process here: • How to Describe, Name & Acknowledge Childr...
Empathy is a giant piece in conscious discipline, because this is the one that really helps
children learn the formula in their own heads of going from those lower centers, of having
that survival moment, and then coming up and understanding that they are in an emotional
space, and then being able to pull that emotion up to that executive state so that they can
problem solve.
And what we tend to do with this emotional space is to say, we want it to go away.
Just don't have your feelings, and then everybody will be happy.
What we know, and what we know inside our own souls is, those emotions are not things
that we choose, they are things that just bubble up inside of us.
So because they bubble up, we want them to be able to then be resolved, not tapped down
so that they become more toxic in our body.
So if I allow them to bubble up, they need to go somewhere, they need to go back into
a story that can make sense.
So here's how we say this.
The first thing that we say to this little emotional state is, you seem, you seem angry,
you seem frustrated, you seem scared, you seem sad.
And it's you seem, because we don't really know.
What we tend to say to kids is, I know, I know you're angry, and then what's the next
word we say?
But.
It's that but again.
So instead of that, we're going to start with you seem, and immediately pull that emotional
state up to that executive state with, what is it that caused this emotion to happen in
the first place?
You seem angry, you wanted, if I don't know, I'm going to leave it as a question.
You seem angry, you wanted, anger comes from someplace.
What was it that happened that brought that up for you?
So you seem, you wanted, if I know, I can state it.
You seem angry, you wanted to be able to stay, and it's time to go, and that's hard.
So once I get it up to that executive state with you wanted, then I can say to them, I've
acknowledged your story.
You seem angry, you wanted to stay because you love doing this, and it's hard when it's
time to go, and you still want to stay.
So breathe with me, because it is hard.
And now we offer choices again, and we already went over choices, so choices are if you can
check out when it's going to be open again, and we'll take a schedule home so that you
can put that up and we'll plan for another time, or you can just walk to the car with
me, and then we'll check it out when we get home.
What works for you?
So now it's about organizing.
Does this mean they're going to walk happily to the car with you, skip in and hop in?
No, but it does mean that they at least have that soothing presence of you saying, no wonder
it's her, instead of, stop complaining or we're never coming here again.
So it's just that moment when we help them regulate that movement up, and here's the
beauty of this.
As they get older, here's what they say in their heads when they're having a disappointment.
Wow, I seem really disappointed by this, I wanted it to go differently.
I love doing this, and then it ended.
So, I'm going to breathe, because I can handle it.
Wouldn't that be great to instill that in your child's brain for the rest of their lives?
