Criticize Your Teens THIS WAY and They'll Actually Improve (Backed by Research)

Have you ever tried giving your teen helpful feedback, only to be met with eye rolls, defensiveness or total shutdown? You calmly mention that they forgot their homework and they snap at you. Why are you always on my case? Or you bring up the fact that they haven't replied to their teacher's email and they storm off and slam the door. It's frustrating because you're not trying to attack them. You're trying to help them improve. The truth is, how you deliver feedback can either build your teen up In this video, I'll show you a research-backed way to give your teen negative feedback without damaging the relationship. In fact, research shows that teens are 3 times as likely to take positive action when feedback is given using this method. I'm Daniel Wong. I'm a teen coach and I specialize in helping teens to thrive. Let's start with this question. When you give your teens negative feedback, why do they hear something completely different than what you're saying? Imagine this situation. Your teenage daughter submits a school project that she rushed to do at the last minute. You say to her, This isn't your best work. You could have done much better. You're just being honest. But she looks annoyed and says, Whatever. Then she walks away. What just happened? According to Dr. David Yeager, a developmental psychologist, teens don't just hear your words. They read into them. When they receive criticism, they don't think to themselves. Okay, I need to improve. Instead, they think, I've let you down. Or even worse, they think, Maybe I'm just not good enough. Teenagers are extremely sensitive to how others view their level of competence. So even well-intentioned feedback can be perceived as rejection. And when that happens, their brain goes into defensive mode. Your teen gets angry, avoids you, or pretends they don't care because deep down, they feel inadequate. Here's another example, which is representative of many of the teens and families I work with. Imagine that a teenage boy called Andy fails a math test. His dad says to him, You clearly didn't study hard enough. Andy doesn't reply. But in his head, he's thinking, I guess my dad just thinks I'm dumb. In reality, Andy did study, but he felt so anxious during the test that he blanked out. So the feedback from his dad didn't motivate him. It crushed him. This is why most criticism backfires. It doesn't sound like help. It sounds like you're not good enough. The good news is that there's one sentence that triples the effectiveness of criticism. Let me explain. Dr. Yeager and his team ran a study involving students who had written essays. All the students received similar feedback pointing out areas for improvement. But for one group, the final sentence at the end of the feedback read, I'm giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and I know that you can reach them. That sentence changed everything. Students who received that extra line of feedback were more than three times as likely to revise and improve their essays. Why? Because the message wasn't that you didn't meet the standard. Instead, the message was, I know you can meet the standard. I believe in you. If you're finding this video helpful so far, please click the like button. And please subscribe to my YouTube channel so you don't miss out on future videos about helping teens to thrive. Effective feedback combines two critical elements. High standards and high belief. High standards are where you say, This is what needs to change. High belief is where you say, I know you can grow and improve to get there. Effective feedback focuses on progress, not perfection. It enables you to have conversations with your teen instead of confrontations. Let's go back to the situation involving Andy. Instead of saying, You clearly didn't study hard enough. Andy's dad could have said this, I can tell the test didn't go how you wanted. But I know how hard you've been trying. Let's look at what happened and how we can improve from here. Same problem but different tone. And now Andy feels supported, not attacked. Let's turn this into a step-by-step formula you can use when you give your teen negative feedback. 1. State the issue clearly and don't cast judgment. The deadline for the assignment wasn't met. 2. Affirm belief in your teen's ability. But I know you're capable of getting back on track. 3. Reinforce the standard. Meeting deadlines is still important. 4. Offer support if needed. Can we talk about what happened? And let me know if there's anything I can do to support you. Here are a couple more examples. Let's say your teen's room is a mess. Don't say, your room is a horrible mess. Do say, your room isn't very neat at the moment. But I've seen how responsible and organized you can be when you decide to put in the effort. Can we talk about what makes sense when it comes to keeping your room reasonably neat? Here's another example. Your teen forgets to load the dishwasher two days in a row. Don't say, you're so forgetful and unreliable. Do say, the dishwasher wasn't loaded yesterday and the day before. This affects the rest of the family. But I know you can be dependable and I believe you can do better. When you give feedback to your teen the right way, it builds internal motivation. What you're telling your teen is this. You can do hard things. You're not defined by your mistakes. You can learn and grow and improve. Criticism and negative feedback don't have to crush your teen. When delivered with belief and respect, it can lift them and motivate them to keep making progress. Here's a question for you. Do you find it hard to get your teen to listen to you? If so, check out this free quick action guide I've written. It's entitled 10 Proven Ways to Get Your Teenager to Listen to You. Visit daniel-wong.com guide to download the guide. The download link is also in the description. And here's this other video I've created about the four things parents should say to their teens every day. Unfortunately, 99% of parents don't say these things to their teens every day. You'll find the video useful, so watch it next.