Reacting to One Star National Park Reviews

Paid 20 bucks to get in, didn't even get to touch lava. It looks like half of a McDonald's logo or a giant urinal. Who wants to run into a moose on the trail? What if it eats you? If you want to not die from falling bears, don't go there. These days, you can write a review about anything and everything on Yelp, and that includes national parks. And some folks just aren't very happy with their experience, which is why they go on Yelp to leave a one-star review. A one-star review on a national park, can you believe that? How pathetic is that? Isaac and I have gone through the internet looking for all the funniest one-star national park reviews, and today we're gonna read and react to our favorites. Some of them are funny, some of them are dumb, and some of them might even be deserved. So to start things off, I have a few reviews from Olympic National Park, and this is a national park on the Olympic Peninsula of Washington. I actually haven't been there yet. Me either. Yeah, no, I've been to Mount Rainier in Washington, but not Olympic yet. It looks super cool though. So this first review is from Robbie B, and Rob says, there is just too many trees, and it could really use a Walmart. What is that, the bad guy from the Lorax or something writing that? I mean, I've gotta say, I've never visited a national park and thought, you know what this place needs? A Walmart. Yeah, me either. And he's from the South, so that's saying something. Yeah, exactly. Our next one from Olympic is from Kendra H, and all right, when there's a Kendra involved, it's never gonna end well. That's like the younger version of Karen. Like the evolution of Karens is like Kendra, Karen, and then Susan. All right, but like the Susan, like Kendra's like a young Karen, a Karen's like a middle-aged Karen, and then Susan is like an old Karen. That's a hierarchy. Anyways, Kendra says, came here to celebrate the Olympics, and soon found out that it was being held in Brazil. Saw no gold medals or anything, just dumb nature or whatever. Honestly, I think this one might be a troll. Really? Yeah, some of these seem legit, like people who are actually mad. This one seems like this person's just like trying to make a joke. It better be. I could see somebody like thinking the Olympics are held there every year, and being like, oh, I'm gonna go see the Olympics at Olympic National Park. Live under a rock. These people are stupid. All right, so this one's for Glacier National Park in Montana. That park's responsible for like 80% of my Instagram following. Oh yeah, that is true. That's a good park. This is from Atticus Rosenback. Atticus Rosenback? Atticus says, the glaciers are too cold when you touch them. I don't know about you, but I love me a nice warm glacier. Like when I go caress my glaciers, I like to make sure they're warm first. Yeah, exactly. I'm not about cold glaciers. Yeah, yeah. You don't want to cuddle something that's cold. No. This next one is also from Glacier National Park, and this one's from Mandy Moonbird. Mandy Moonbird. All right, you know what that sounds like? That sounds like one of those girls who's like way too into crystals and astrology and stuff. And signs and horoscopes and all that. Like the first day you go on with her, she's like, what'd you find? Girls who like put their astrology and stuff in their bio as the equivalent of guys who put a bunch of pictures holding fish in their dating profiles. They ask you how you are, and you just have to say that you're fine, and you're not really fine, and you just can't get into- Mandy Moonbird says, no bathrooms, no parking, and bears will murder you. Okay, my next review takes us right here in Wyoming to Yellowstone National Park, and it's from Sam B., who says, it's like a bigger version of Central Park, only with bears. You heard it here first, folks. No need to come to Wyoming. You can get everything you need right in New York City. Minus the bears, of course. Oh, minus the bears, of course. You still have to come here for those. All right, this is another one from Yellowstone National Park. This comes from Joshua Q. Josh says, the one thing that makes this place different from other parks is the geysers. I was extremely underwhelmed. They look so much better in pictures. If you want a similar look, just boil a pot of water at home. Honestly, though, save yourself some money and boil some water at home. These people are unappreciative as hell. Like, can you imagine the first people who ever discovered Yellowstone? You think it's like something extraterrestrial, like all this water's blowing up out of the ground, and there's all these like colorful springs, and like, it's just otherworldly. And they were like, hmm! Old Joshua Q. in Cleveland, Ohio, I'm assuming, is like, nah, fam, it's the same as boiling water on your stove. That's probably what the natives thought, too. No, seriously, they probably went to it and they were like, this looks like what it looks like when I boil tea. Yeah, just like that, so. All right, this next batch is coming from Yosemite National Park. Fun fact, I thought Yosemite was called Yosmite until I was like out of high school. I thought it was Yosmite. This one is from Brian J. BTW, the park shuts off some of the waterfalls after midsummer. This is probably due to the dwindling park service budgets that are spent on toilet paper. Please protest this fiscal mismanagement by staying away from Yosemite. Oh my gosh. You know what this actually reminds me of? This reminds me of this person who was once traveling to Yellowstone and going through Pinedale. I think I was in high school, and they asked me, they're like, hey son, you from around here? And I'm like, yeah. And they're just like, so we're heading up to Yellowstone for the night. We'll probably be getting in pretty late. Uh, do you know when they shut the geysers down for the night? And I was just like... You dumbass! Are you serious? It's like, it's like a giant jacuzzi, you know? They have different settings where it bubbles more and goes higher and that sort of thing. And at Yosemite, they have like a big switch where they turn the waterfalls on and off. It's like a giant switch. It's like... All right, this next one is from Stanley B. Stanley says, no internet. People going insane. Totally not relaxing. It was the worst. And a bear almost fell on top of me. If you want to not die from falling bears, don't go there. What? You got to watch out for those falling bears in Yosemite. That's how they get you. Yeah, you wake up from your tent in the morning. This bear just... All right, these next few reviews are from the most well-known national park in the southwest and it is Grand Canyon National Park. The grandest of canyons. This ought to be good. Have you been to Grand Canyon? Yes. Sweet. I've been a few times. I lived in Flagstaff for a bit. So that was a weird time in my life. Yeah, that was weird. The first review for the Grand Canyon is from Andrew H. And Andrew says, whoopity-doo Grand Canyon. You are a giant hole in the ground. You are caused by erosion. You don't have roller coasters or Dippin' Dots. Geesh. Can you say overrated? So I don't know about you, but I actually kind of feel for him on this one because when I go to the Grand Canyon, I go to the Grand Canyon for one thing and that's Dippin' Dots. Oh, me too, hands down. I mean, also, I don't blame him for wanting a roller coaster at the Grand Canyon. I mean, how sick would that be? Like a roller coaster just going down the side, down into the Colorado River. Like the Grand Canyon experience. I mean, it might make it more of a theme park and less of a national park, but that'd still be sick. Progress. What I'm feeling is a zipline from the top of the Grand Canyon down to the Colorado River. I'm thinking condor rides. Strap up a condor. Put your child on top of it. Get that condor flying throughout the canyon with their baby on it. I mean, he's not wrong. It is just a giant hole in the ground, but a very majestic hole. Very. So this next review is actually from a national park that I cannot believe is a national park. I would have written this review myself. It's so good. Wow. It's for Gateway Arch National Park. This review is from John B. And it says, first off, the thing is ugly as sin. It looks like half of a McDonald's logo or a giant urinal. The museum is only mildly amusing, and going up to the top of the arch is the worst. There is nothing to see other than St. Louis, Louis, Louis, Louis. I'm in the south. I feel like they say Louis. Allahu awahi. Yeah, that. There's nothing to see other than St. Louis ugly skyline, which really looks like a generic skyline out of some cheap 80s indie movie. It sounds legit to me. I mean, I would never want to visit Gateway National Park. I mean, I don't get how that's a national park. Doesn't it have to have something natural to be a national park? Gateway is just a man-made structure. That is a national monument at best. Exactly. This next one is from Arches National Park, written by Beverly S. She says, this park was extremely underwhelming. I went in with low expectations, ready to see a couple rocks with holes. Instead, what I saw were many stone pillars that resembled circumcised donkey dicks. Overall, that's some pretty nice rocks, though. Don't just don't take the kids. I mean, I feel like the circumcised donkey dicks are the like best part of the park. I mean, I feel like this lady Bev has a really dirty mind. If the first thing she sees when she sees Arches is, huh, you know, that kind of reminds me of a circumcised donkey dick. To be fair, I know exactly what she's talking about. When you're in that park, there are a lot of structures that definitely look like genitalia. I mean, yeah, but donkey dicks? I mean, if you guys want to see some giant stone donkey dicks, Arches is the park for you. Go to Arches. This one is from Hawaii Volcanoes National Park. I've actually never been there. I've only been to Oahu, not the big island, but I would love to go. This review is from Terry H. Terry says, paid 20 bucks to get in, didn't even get to touch lava. Aww. Don't you hate it when you go to Hawaii Volcanoes National Park and you don't even get to touch the lava? This next review is from Rocky Mountain National Park down in Colorado. Super awesome national park. I've been there a few times. It's dope. And this one is from Lori A., who says, way overrated. First of all, there's wildlife everywhere. Who wants to run into a moose on the trail? What if it eats you? And the rangers are all way too friendly. It's like they're completely oblivious to all the suffering in the world. Plus, there's not a single Starbucks on any of the trailheads. Finally, too many snow-capped mountains. I like to see the horizon at all times. It calms me. That is definitely a Californian. All right, Lori. So here's the first thing. I'm not entirely sure you went to Rocky Mountain National Park. I think you went to Canada. I mean, think about it. We got moose. We got overly friendly people. And we got no Starbucks. I mean, they still got Starbucks in Canada. But like Tim Hortons is a big deal up there. So this sounds extremely similar. Also, who complains about too many snow-capped mountains? Like, is this lady? That's what I'm saying. It sounds like a Californian. No, I think she's from Kansas. Because she like wants to see the horizon at all times. Yeah, that sounds like a Kansas thing to say if I've ever heard it. I hate it when I'm on a hike and a moose eats me. Just comes out with a chomp. Like a zombie just ready to feast. That was carnivorous moose, man. This next one is from one of my favorite states, which is Oregon. And it's from Crater Lake, the only national park in Oregon. So this one is from Dietrich H. Dietrich? It's Dietrich. Dietrich? Who pronounces Dietrich like Dietrich? Wait, is that how you say that name? Dietrich says, there's an amazingly deep and creepy lake. There's a crappy lodge where they have mac and cheese. In the summertime, there are pestilent yogurt guzzling hordes. What? I mean, I hate the yogurt guzzling hordes at Crater Lake, no cap. Yeah, they really put a damper on the whole experience there. Okay, so this next one is for Great Smoky Mountains National Park, which is actually the most visited national park in the US, if you didn't know that. So this one's from Jim Rick C. And he says, I am sorry, but I was very disappointed when I visited this park. Let me start off with some of the wildlife I was disappointed with. Squirrels. I was very upset after finding out that squirrels were not going to live up to my expectations. I had heard rumors of legendary squirrels that weighed 25 to 30 pounds. The squirrels at Great Smoky Mountains National Park were no more than three pounds. What does he think is wrong with these squirrels? Diabetes. If the federal government is going to spend all of the tax dollars on maintaining our national parks, they should at least get some decent animals. I love how they think the National Park Service orders animals for the park. What did that person say to you in Grand Huton once? Well, they were just asking at what time in the morning do the rangers let the wildlife out. Yeah, they just think it's like some zoo. They think it's a zoo and the rangers order the animals. But yeah, anyways. What are they going to do? Military style of like a table with a group and the squirrels show up. Here you go. So yeah, if there's any Great Smoky National Park rangers out there, Jim Rick wants you to get some better animals. So get on that. So what did we learn on this episode of Reviews with Isaac and David? We learned that if you go to Arches, you'll find a bunch of circumcised donkey dicks. We learned that instead of visiting Yellowstone, you should probably just boil some water at home. We learned that if you visit Yosemite, you better watch out for falling bears. And most importantly, we learned that the moose in Rocky Mountain National Park will eat your flesh. Thanks for hanging out today. We hope this helps you with any future travel plans you might be making. And as always, stay away from Gateway Arches National Park and have an amazing day. See ya.