How Masturbating Can Be Good for Your Mental Health | Therapist Reacts to Girl Defined

I'm so tired of Kristen and Becky hiding behind these excuses like we're religious and so therefore it's fine. Like no, it's not this is harmful This is hateful. This is the opposite of all the things that we know about evidence-based practice in terms of research Okay, hi everybody thanks for coming back if you've been here before or hi welcome if you're new my name is Miki I'm a therapist you can talk about therapisty things on this channel today We are talking about Girl Defined again because I released an absolutely cursed video called answering your questions about masturbation Kristen is doing this one alone in her car So that should be fun But we are going to dive into that topic today and why their advice is bad How masturbation is actually good for your mental health. Before we dive into it I want to give a quick caveat that I give on all of these videos when we talk about Girl Defined, Paul and Morgan Fundamentalism generally we are speaking about fundamentalism specifically. I don't give a hoot if you're a regular religious person That's none of my beeswax My goal as a therapist and a clinician is not to police people's religion or to speak negatively about religion generally But I do feel strongly about calling out harmful advice when it's on the internet particularly when it comes from a bad faith perspective and so Kristen and Bethany's advice about Girlhood and like Girl Defined Stuff generally is super hurtful and like the antithesis of what we know about Modern mental health and so that's why we're talking about it So, please tell me in the comments saying things about like why would you attack regular Christians because I'm not I don't care This is about Kristen and Bethany and and fundamentalism as a phenomenon. So that said let's jump into the video. Okay Also before we get started shout out to my best friend for buying me a mug that has boobs on it Let's jump into it I posted a story on Instagram a day or two ago and I asked you guys I said hey You know, have you listened to the episode if not listen to it give me your follow-up questions Like I will answer them anonymously. I will not see who you are I will not talk about your struggle personally and use your name No one's gonna know but I know you have questions And in fact, I know because so many of you have DM and emailed and said like hey, I have this question What about this? What about that? And so I thought you know, this would be a good time to do a follow-up video and answer your specific questions Also, I just want to address the like endless amount of content that Girl Defined makes about sex and sexuality For people who seem really upset about the world being generally Fixated on sex and sexuality. They seem to talk about it an awful lot, which is strange to me So that's what we're gonna do and I'm gonna give you a quick flyover of some of the questions that I'm gonna answer That you asked over on Instagram starting with what is masturbation the most basic I did cover it in the podcast But we'll we'll just touch on that again I'm how to feel sexually satisfied by my husband after years of pre-marriage masturbation Another of you asked masturbation in marriage and I love these questions So many of you actually asked about masturbation in marriage or the struggle with masturbation before marriage and how it's impacting your marriage now Okay, since Kristen is so fixated and talking about masturbation. Let's talk about masturbation I want to give a quick shout out to this week's sponsor Valesa. Thank you so much Valesa for sponsoring this week's video I am so excited to do another giveaway with Valesa where we are giving away free vibrators or free gift cards for vibrators We've done a couple giveaways with Valesa before and they have been incredible I have seen you guys in the comments talking about your 55 and 75 dollar gift cards and so I'm super excited to do another one because Masturbation is a wonderful and morally neutral thing to be doing and Valesa has you covered. Valesa is a by women company that is About all things sexuality and their mission is to empower everyone to embrace explore and celebrate their sexuality So I want to talk to you guys about some of the goodies that Valesa has sent me and how they have Enriched my life. One of my favorite things about Valesa toys is that they come in these adorable travel cases Which first of all are like nice and compact and discreet but also really nice for keeping them clean and like separated And the charging ports are on the bottom which we love. The first way that I want to talk to you about is the Demi Wand which is a cute little Vibrator with wand it has a flexible head on it The other thing about Valesa toys that I am obsessed with is that they are so easy to use They have very simple easy to operate controls and there's no annoying pattern mode So you can up or down the frequency by pushing the button You don't have to cycle through a bunch of stuff before you get to the good part The other toy that I want to talk to you about is the Valesa Air Vibe Which is a collaboration between BuzzFeed and Valesa. This toy has very quickly become the runaway favorite in my household Because it's great for sex by yourself or sex with a partner. The Air Vibe is a dual stimulation G-spot vibrator and clitoral suction toy. It's got a flexible head She moves all over the place and again the same thing you don't have to fuss with the annoying pattern modes You can just press the button and turn on The different ends of this independently and control it very easily in my opinion I have had such a wonderful time with the goodies that Valesa has sent me And so I am so excited to do another giveaway with them So go click the link in the description and enter the giveaway where you can win either a free vibrator or a free gift card For a vibrator so that you can start living your best best masturbatory life with that Thank you so much for Valesa for sponsoring this week's video Let's jump back in to Girl Defined. Okay, let's keep going Let's jump in so what is masturbation will just start there Like I said and the definition that I gave in the book that I'm just gonna give right now because it's so basic to stimulate One's own genitals for sexual pleasure. So there you have it Masturbation is just the stimulation of your own genitals for sexual pleasure. Pause. This is another thing that I want to address We're gonna talk about this in more detail but I think the way that Kristen speaks about masturbation and like sexuality generally is like a Very sad and reductionist way to discuss human sexuality to be clear masturbation can include the stimulation of your own genitals But masturbation and like self-pleasure or sex with yourself can include a whole bunch of different things It doesn't necessarily have to include your genitals And I think it's really important for us to talk about and normalize human sexuality Existing on a spectrum all the way from like those of us who have no interest in sex or sexuality At all all the way up to like the other end of the spectrum and like everything that lies in between This like discussion of sex Fundamentally having to include genitals and like existing in sort of a one-dimensional way Really does a disservice to the complexity and the nuance that's needed for this issue So I just wanted to note that moving forward. Um, she's gonna say some more problematic ---- So we'll get into it more in a minute. It's that you know that act of pleasure of orgasm And masturbation is the word that's used for women. It doesn't have to include orgasm either. And so that is what it is Something that many of us have experienced many of us are currently wrestling with so serious. I swear to God I'm really not trying to pause it every five seconds. The other thing Here first of all masturbation does not have to include orgasm if you don't want it to some people came to chew orgasm Sometimes perfectly normal perfectly fine. The other thing that I was gonna say is I think it's really Important for us to call out the fact that all of this education is coming from someone who has no meaningful Credentialing training experience in this area other than having masturbated in their own life Which is not to say that that's not a valid perspective I think it's totally fair if someone who's just Masturbated a lot wants to talk about masturbating on the internet but I think this positioning oneself as an expert on a topic without any of like the training credentialing or like knowledge behind it is Fundamentally problematic and I do very much want to give the same PSA that I gave in every video Please be a conscientious consumer of information on the internet Particularly if someone has a financial vested interest in you taking their advice It's wise to be critical of the things that they're trying to get you to believe because the reality is that Kristen and Bethany have No meaningful education training certification about this topic and so it begs the question Why then are they positioning themselves as experts about something that is actually very nuanced that requires a lot of training and expertise? To like appropriately understand. It's seriousness until after I do it How did you bring up this and struggle to a mentor? So many of your questions like I get it like I remember being right there So, okay, these aren't gonna have any specific order. They might feel a little bit random But bear with me because I'm gonna just try to go through them So the question a lot of people will argue that it's not a sin if there is no restful thinking involved thoughts. So Masturbation it is a solo act right? It's you. It's your genitals. It's your pleasure And I have yet to meet a person who is able to consistently masturbate without a single sexual thought entering their mind and and granted Think about it when you're unmarried any of these sexual thoughts are not going to be honoring to God, right? Like, oh my god Okay First of all, how many people has Kristen interrogated about their masturbation? My first question question number two is why? Why are you asking me all these very personal and invasive questions again with no like credentialing expertise or education about the topic? So like you wouldn't need to know anyways, but see again this is what I was saying about her view of masturbation and sexuality being very reductionist and like very One-dimensional the realities that masturbation can serve a variety of different purposes. I have compiled some resources It's pretty huge. Make sure to put them in the description for you guys but one of the things that I felt compelled to talk about in this video is that masturbation can serve a variety of different purposes outside of sexual development outside of sexual pleasure outside of you know like having sex with oneself for the sake of which is Perfectly morally neutral and also like very much a healthy and normal thing to do to be clear we have interesting research about the use of masturbation as a tool or like an intervention for Chronic pain, which I thought was really interesting we know that this can be helpful because of the way that the brain works and because of the the chemicals that are released particularly when you orgasm, but also just when Experiencing sexual pleasure. We release oxytocin. There are endorphins that are produced and also dopamine. These are all like the fun. Happy feel-good Chemicals that a lot of us enjoy experiencing right? This is worth noting when we talk about pain because using that as an intervention to kind of promote That like production is helpful in reducing pain it's also helpful for folks who have insomnia or having a hard time sleeping because there is very much a Downshifting that happens on a nervous system level after we achieve orgasm or after we experience sexual pleasure So it also like runs the gamut in terms of other like uses or scenarios that masturbation can be useful for It's also great as like general stress relief for what it's worth. And so I just wanted to talk about that I want to encourage people to Explore sexuality and masturbation in whatever degree that feels safe for you or something that you want to do Because again, it doesn't have to exist solely in this like lustful place Even though sometimes it is that and that's also very much. Okay There are other like very real science-backed reasons to explore One's own body and like sex with oneself purity. We are we are seeking to glorify God There's no other person in this relationship if you're single where you can enjoy these sexual acts with you're single It's just you and so we're Not going to be honoring to God They are going to fall in the category of being lost right is that God designed sex to be here We go between a husband and a wife in the context of marriage in the covenant of marriage pleasure sexual intimacy God designed it for marriage for Relationship because sex is supposed to be a celebration of covenant that covenant relationship It's supposed to be I'm an act of a husband and wife giving of serving one another of pursuing one another We see song of Solomon beautiful amazing pictures of that, but nowhere do we see in Scripture? Sexual pleasure sexual acts being celebrated in a solo context. Okay, so I want to address this I just wanted to let her finish because It's really funny I was gonna make a mean joke, but I'm not gonna okay So I think this is worth discussing because first of all, um, there's like some interesting Potentially misogynistic and patriarchal ideals behind the idea of serving one's partner with sex but we'll get into that in a minute the other thing that I wanted to talk about here is that I'm not interested in Debating girl defined about the validity of their religious takes right? Like I'm not a religious person. I don't care It's not relevant to the conversation that we're having either And so if Kristen and Bethany do very much believe that masturbation is wrong and is a sin and is not something they should be Doing I think Kristen and Bethany are very much allowed to just not masturbate, right? Like that's the way that works none of my business It's none of anybody else's business. And so if Kristen and Bethany don't like masturbation, then don't you masturbate right good for you? Very simple open issue. The thing about this that's important for us to address is that Kristen and Bethany are not Viewing their own like religious material and their journey with God as an individual thing and saying these are my convictions And so therefore I will do this for me they are making the active choice to get on the internet to share this content and to perpetuate this belief as If it is the truth for all people always this is a problem We know that that's not ******* true First of all like the evidence and the science informs us that Kristen and Bethany's view About sex and sexuality and marriage and relationships is not the universal human experience. And so we also know Categorically that Kristen and Bethany are not people who are educated credentialed trained or at all equipped to be providing and to be Prescribing advice to other people they have no meaningful expertise outside of their own lived experience Which can be valuable when we're talking about our own experience and just sharing that with others Specifically or particularly from the place of wanting to validate and and create community and do all of that, right? But what Kristen and Bethany are doing is actively prescribing their worldviews to others as if it is the truth always again we know that this is not true and I think it's just important to call attention to because Kristen and Bethany really love to hide Behind be like, well, these are just our religious beliefs. This is just our convictions And so, you know, we're allowed to share this. Why why do we get so much criticism, right? The problem is that they're not just sharing their experiences. They're not just saying these are my beliefs They're actively telling people if you are masturbating outside of Marriage, I guess we're masturbating at all This is wrong God frowns upon this behavior and you are sinning and you will go to hell which is inherently Problematic this is a hurtful and harmful thing to perpetuate I'm not going to speak to anybody's eternal salvation because they don't pretend to have the answers to any of that but I can very much speak to the like very clear black and white facts that we have from research and from science about the Many ways that masturbation can provide positive benefit in people's lives and I want to be clear It's not to say that masturbation is always a positive thing It can become a compulsive behavior Depending on different diagnoses and different factors and things like that and it can also create a negative emotional impact depending on one's own experience Particularly with like purity culture and shameful religious upbringings, but depending on a variety of factors, right? But the thing that's really important to hone in on here is that masturbation? based in like the research and the science and the evidence can provide us with a positive benefit and is also a Morally neutral thing to do there is no Evidence-based practice or science or research that teaches us that masturbation and exploring one's own body is bad That's not real like that doesn't exist There are no facts or data to support that assertion And so if Kristen and Bethi want to really believe that masturbation is bad for them, then they don't have to do it No one is holding Bethi and Kristen captive to this idea that they must Masturbate like that's not at all the assertion that anyone is making Kristen and Bethi are doing the opposite in asserting that their worldview Entitles them to force other people to abide by their values and beliefs, which is just like fundamentally hurtful and and not okay We're in a context outside of marriage with any other person. In fact any mention of that it's it's condemned It's the Bible says flee from that run from that do not pursue that you see we see verses like in Hebrews that are talking About Hebrews 13 for let marriage be held in honor among all and let the marriage bed be undefiled It's really quick I want to give a plug for my own ******* merch Personally, I prefer my marriage bed to be very defiled So if you'd also like to be a girl defiled, you can buy my t-shirt. It's at the link in the description It's really fun. Thanks The marriage sex like this sexually active marriage let it be undefiled No, I will not God intended place for sexual intimacy is exactly what the name says It's meant for intimacy. It's meant for giving for serving for relationship. So even if you are Yeah, I want to address that really quickly I said I was going to earlier and then I forgot this idea that sex is intended for serving One another is a little bit scary in my opinion I think it's really an important thing to talk about in in like discussions about sex and sexuality and particularly people's bodies because Kristen and Bethany are again apt to hide behind this excuse of being religious people and so They are therefore allowed to perpetuate whatever beliefs they want without criticism on the internet, which we've talked about before if that's not real That's not fair or true but also I think the like political aspect of this conversation is often glossed over and that's frustrating to me because the issue of like sex and intimacy and particularly the bodies of people who have vaginas has and Continues to be a political issue. This is not something that we can Separate out from like the politics or like the optics of this people who own vaginas can't escape having their bodies politicized And so I think it's worth discussing especially when we're characterizing Sex as a thing that is being used to serve in this context You know by Bethany and Kristen's view a male partner that carries a lot of like misogynistic and patriarchal vibes I want to be super clear if you are a person who feels called to or interested in sex or sexuality Either by yourself or with a partner. It's not selfish or wrong or shitty to pursue sex being your own Pleasurable experience ideally when we are sharing sex with a partner or partners It's with the goal of it being a mutually enriching experience, but it's not to serve others I do really want to encourage people again to just be conscientious consumers about like the language that we're using or like the language that we're Hearing other people use About topics like this because language really does matter I know it seems like a nitpicky thing to say that like using the word serving Encourages like patriarchal and misogynistic views But we know that this is real language really does matter and it informs the way that we view Like the world around us, you know, there's a reason that we call things specific things And so it's important for us to be mindful of language there Able to masturbate and You do not believe there's any lustful thoughts happening in your heart or your mind I would say it is still a counterfeit version of God's design for sexual Falls outside of that covenant of marriage where we are serving giving pouring loving another Celebrating a covenant. There is no covenant to celebrate when you're by yourself There is no serving except serving yourself and there is no pouring out. It's just very much about your pleasure Your your desires it's all about you and I also wanted to talk about this because Kristen's attitude that Your sexual pleasure being all about you is somehow Thing is also odd and harmful again. I just want to be super clear There is nothing wrong with viewing sexual gratification and sexual pleasure from the lens of how it enriches you Particularly when it is about sex with yourself but even when we're talking about sex with a partner so long as we are being safe and respectful and you know, Validating of the the bodies and the experiences of other people I just very much disagree with this idea that sex is only a valuable or you know Allowed thing within the context of marriage and even then we should be centering the experience of our partner Especially because not all sex occurs in marriage Kristen and Bethany may believe that sex is like Supposed to be in marriage and again, that's their right and they can do that or not do that It's none of anybody else's business But the reality is that it doesn't just occur in marriage and so educating about it as if it does is both Disingenuous and potentially harmful. It is very important that we teach folks about how to be safe and conscientious and also how to like Validate and honor their own wants and needs we know from the research that the orgasm gap is a very real thing that exists particularly in sexual encounters between someone with a penis and someone with a vagina and that there is a Disproportionate gap in the the rate at which those people experience orgasms part of this is due to the fact that our culture Has like pretty aggressively erased the clitoris from the conversation, which is something we're going to talk about later But also in part due to the fact that people with vaginas are historically discouraged from being assertive and being clear About the things that they want and need in a sexual manner or like in regards to sex the other thing about this too is that a lot of folks with vaginas and clitorises Oftentimes are so discouraged from exploring their own bodies and from masturbating and from developing their own sexual identity Safely over time slowly in a way that works for them so that when it does come time to have sex with a partner They may not actually know what things actually feel good or are enriching or interesting to them Because there is so much shame and secrecy and fear built up around the topic of vaginas and vulvas and clitorises and sex and Masturbation this is inherently harmful. Kristen's gonna talk about this later in the video when we talk about it more I just wanted to pause and address it here because teaching folks to advocate for themselves and to view sex as a thing that should Be enjoyable for them if they want to engage in that is not a bad thing That's a I would argue like moral thing but at worst morally neutral thing So I think it fell short of God's greater and greater plan for sexual intimacy as intended for it to be One of you asked do you think it's wrong for everyone or a personal conviction issue? You know, I'm not going to put my convictions on anyone else But what I see in Scripture is what I just said Yeah, I think we all as Christians need to be asking the honest question Not is masturbation wrong, but what is God's design for sex for intimacy for pleasure? What did he create it for is it just for me to to experience and embrace and and pursue? However, I see fit However, my urges and longings are are begging for me, you know to satisfy them. Is that what it's all about? Is it just simply pleasure or is there something so much more that God is after and if so, what is that? You see what I'm saying again, this is the thing we're like we're just gonna sort of hide behind like well These are my convictions But if you're really asking yourself as a Christian, do you think it's just all about chasing after lustful desires and your urges? Or do you think God is such a beautiful wonderful fabulous plan for sex? You see how this is like like a not a real question that someone is asking I very much want to encourage people to call out this kind of rhetoric when you see it because this is also not an uncommon thing to exist in communication between People we see this in conflict in romantic relationships a lot where like I I'm not telling you that this is wrong But I'm just saying and then we prevent present two options where one is obviously the right answer This is not a really genuine and authentic way to engage in a discourse Kristen and Bethy obviously have a vested interest in encouraging and like strongly so encouraging folks to Take up their worldview as like the right one Which again is wild to me because these two people have no meaningful education or credentials about even the topics in which they are speaking neither of these people that I'm aware of have degrees in theology or have been to any kind of school like been I don't know whatever it is in Churches where you get like a special gold star for being a churchy person like none of them are like leaders Capacity as far as I'm aware. They're not like deacons at their local church And so like again, I just want to ask the question with what? Authority are these two people feeling so emboldened to interpret the Word of God as like the truth for all all people But honestly like even Christians like there's just no Meaningful credentialing to back up the things that they're saying and if I short-circuiting Shortcutting God's holistic design by just taking a piece of it and saying well, I'm not really doing anything wrong But what what else am I missing what bigger picture am I missing so that's what I want all of you to think about That's what I want Everyone to think about is not just you see You're wrong, but really what's God's greater plan and purpose and intent and and am I? Pursuing it and honoring it and upholding it in a way that truly reflects God's heart for sex Um, what got me convicted was that I didn't know for many years that I was masturbating like I I was doing the act But I didn't know what it was called because it for me It was a struggle that began when I was really young and it wasn't until I was a little bit older like my early Teen years my mid teen years, but I really started to understand more about God's design for sex for my sexuality for his plans And purposes for pleasure and like I just started to realize that I was not pursuing That masturbation was not honestly just an authentic genuine act of sexual pleasure being pursued in a biblical context Okay, so Because what I hear when Kristen says this is that there was a child Exploring their sexuality in a way that felt safe to them who didn't realize that that was something they should be ashamed of until they Were indoctrinated into a culture that made them feel ashamed of that I think this is really important for us to call out because especially in the rhetoric that Kristen and Bethy use there is this Energy and this idea that it is inherently a shameful thing because God designed it Whatever and so like it's obvious that it's something that we should feel bad about except that a lot of the testimony That we hear from these people is that they aren't ashamed of it until they have been taught to be ashamed of it this In my opinion is reason enough to shy away from teachings like what girl defined and Paul and Morgan and all these people teach Because shame oftentimes is not something that we feel until we have been taught that it's something we should feel this is a problem I think it's also worth noting that when we are having science based fact based knowledge based conversations about anatomy and sex and sexuality With children it creates an environment where they feel safe and comfortable to explore themselves in an age-appropriate way A lot of people are very surprised to discover that children develop a sexual identity Well before the age of puberty, but this is a real thing if you're a parent of a small child I very much want to encourage you to start having conversations about anatomy and about sexuality at early ages It's not to say that we have to teach a two-year-old about penis in vagina sexual intercourse But there is nothing wrong with teaching your child like the anatomically correct names for genitals for example educating about the different purposes of the various genitals that someone may possess about educating the way that gender and Anatomy may be different for some folks. These are all age-appropriate conversations that we can be having Obviously using context as a guide and being aware of like a child maturity level and and things like that but there is like a really important and like like need for Parents to be having these conversations because if you don't educate your child about it Your child will discover it on their own and oftentimes without the tools and the knowledge to do it safely or to do it in a way that we know is like supported by the research as being Ideal for them which again, I think it's worth noting Kristen and Bethy are like actively advocating for the opposite of that Um, they don't at all agree that parents should be educating kids about anatomy and sex and sexuality Which again just lends itself to this attitude of like shame and secrecy, but that's a conversation for another day It wasn't I knew for me. It was very selfish. It was all about my pleasure It was about my desires and longings for me. It was very lust fueled Um, it was never like I was never able to masturbate without lustful thoughts Um as a single young woman and so for me just the conviction of seeing god's beautiful design seeing what he created it for and then seeing how I was not I was not honoring god in Morality and guarding, you know my thoughts and fighting for purity in my mind in my heart Um, I wasn't really doing battle, you know Like we see in scripture that calling for us as as believers as single and married people, right? Like I was single but I wasn't fighting that front And so for me it was lots of things that got me convicted and I just realized like this is not This is not what god intends for this to be And then another thing this is also part of the journey toward freedom for me was making radical changes Like, you know, if you're chilling in your bed binging a netflix show That's extremely sexual very provocative with nudity all of these things and then you're like, oh like my urges are so strong Like I don't know what to do like maybe stop throwing gasoline, you know, like on the fire maybe What show is she watching I don't know Listen, I was gonna cut a lot of this out because it's just like scripture or mumbo jumbo, but for the sake of discussing this um, I think the conversation we've had on the channel before about Intuitive eating and like compulsive behaviors around like food and things like that is relevant here We know that an attitude of restriction leads to an attitude of binging Um, this can be true with food But it can also be true with other behaviors and we know that when we shroud something In shame and fear and mystery it creates an attitude of scarcity around it It creates this attitude where like in our brain now I want to do it even more because you've told me that i'm not supposed to right it's like special It's like interesting and exciting and this is typically why people end up with foods in their house Or like foods that they say. Oh, I can't have that in my house or i'll eat it all That might be why because we create this attitude of like I only have this on special occasions And so when I do have it, I like it's like very special and I like need it, you know um when we de-stigmatize something when we normalize it and when we Incorporate it into our daily life as a thing that is like not really noteworthy It is just a thing you may find it a lot easier to approach that activity or that food or whatever it is with an attitude of like more like calm Uh, like self-honoring like healthy feelings around it But if you do have like this attitude about it, it may be worth unpacking like did I grow up with this attitude that masturbation is inherently a shameful thing that can only be done in secret and I can never talk about it because sometimes that lends itself to that Um, and so, you know again for what it's worth masturbating is perfectly normal And if you want to masturbate just masturbate there's lots of wonderful health benefits to it. This is off topic, but our sexual urges Are there imagine if no one had any sexual desires whatsoever who would ever get married? Who would ever have sex whether there would be no more children there would be like what would happen to the world? But our sexual urges they push us toward something and it should this is one of those moments where I think kristen kind of tells On herself a little bit be like who would ever get married if we didn't have sexual urges Lots of people like lots and lots of people who Value partnership and who find marriage to be like a convenient. Uh legal institution wherein you can share your taxes and Stuff but also like people who value human beings for human beings and don't find Uh, like it necessary to have a legal tie to someone before you're allowed to have sex with them The only reason that you are feeling drawn to marry someone is so that you can have sex with them without shame Very much worth worth unpacking with a therapist now masturbation in singleness affects marriage A lot of you asked about this is a whopper masturbation before marriage and how it will affect your marriage And that is something very real that not a lot of people talk about but for me, it was absolutely the case that my struggle with masturbation prior to marriage impacted my Relationship with my husband our intimacy because I was so my body was so trained to respond to stimulation based on masturbation That when my husband What you know when we were having sex when we are having sex that I I had early on in our marriage I had to really almost like retrain my body to respond to my husband and not to respond to the way that I had grown used to experiencing an orgasm and so listen I You know that tiktok sound i'm not as mean as i'd like to be and I wish people would appreciate that more You know what? I am not as mean as I would like to be And I really wish people appreciated that more I just Like I just want to be super clear when I make these videos like we have like full boxing gloves all the way on We are like really kitten gloving through these videos sometimes and this is one of those moments where like i'm not gonna say it It's not relevant. I'm not going to talk about it. However This is important to discuss because uh, there's a lot of interesting research about the orgasm gap. I spoke about it earlier I'm, just dead ass gonna link the wikipedia article about it in the description because it's actually a very succinct Explanation and there are sources at the bottom of that too But for those of you who don't know the orgasm gap refers to i'm just gonna use the like reductionist binary Language for the sake of getting through this easily and succinctly. Um, so bear with me but the research refers to a gap in orgasms between men and women who are in heterosexual relationships and having sex with one another the studies that have been done around this are Many in number the most recent ones that we have say that around 30 to 60 percent of women In heterosexual relationships reliably achieve orgasm as opposed to 70 to 100 percent of men in self-report data This gap is incredibly noteworthy because we see that this is like very different When we change the makeup of the the genders or the genitals rather Again, we're using like binary reductionist language here. Bear with me for example Lesbians who have sex with other women report significantly higher orgasm rates up to 83 percent than when they have sex with men again this is worth noting because the Most reliable way that people with vaginas achieve orgasm is through clitoral stimulation the reason that this is important for us to discuss is because when people say things like This is not a political issue or like liberals politicize everything like yes the **** it is. This is a political issue. We know Factually that uh the clitoris and like the the study of the clitoris as a piece of Anatomy associated with vaginas has like very much lagged behind the norm The clitoris was actually like dead ass removed from gray's anatomy, which is like a medical um text and the clitoris wasn't fully mapped until 1998 we know that the clitoris that we can see on the external part of a person who has a vagina Is like a lot of people refer to it as the tip of the iceberg Uh, but the actual diagram of a clitoris I will have Aaron put it up on the screen here It's this cool thing with like branches and bulbs on it um, and so a lot of it sits internally and this is typically what we um can attribute to What people label as like g-spot orgasms also because you can stimulate that part of the clitoris internally Um, but the clitoris wasn't fully mapped until 1990 ******* 8 like this is very important for us to discuss Because when we talk about people with vaginas and people with clitorises reliably achieving orgasm This is not something that we talk about. This is not something that people commonly discuss particularly with an attitude of non-judgmentalism And like non-shame but like just generally at all This is important to note because when we talk about people People with vaginas exploring their own sexuality and learning how to achieve sexual pleasure and orgasm and exploring their own bodies Typically, it's done through the use of clitoral simulation because it's the most reliable way that people with clitorises achieve orgasm when we look at the rates um of orgasm in heterosexual relationships or like in relationships where one partner has a penis and one partner has a vagina We see that orgasm rate plummet This is for a reason the phenomenon of the clitoris not being discussed being dead ass erased from medical Textbooks not being fully mapped until the late 90s and also the attitude of shame and judgment that exists around people with clitorises achieving orgasm All can contribute to this greater picture of men in heterosexual relationships or penis owners Not being people who are interested in stimulating the clitoris I don't want to speak about kristin and her husband's marriage because I don't know them I don't have any data to support that and so i'm not going to ******* discuss it But the thing that I do want to discuss is like the overall Research that we have about how inattentive partners with penises are tend to be to people who have clitorises This phenomenon is not a coincidence It's not a mistake and there are a lot of like political fibers in this conversation that are so critical for us to address And this is why I will endlessly get on this channel and talk about vibrators and encourage you guys to join giveaways For vibrators because experiencing your own sexual pleasure and learning about your own body and feeling that sense of empowerment When we talk about achieving orgasm and experiencing your own like sexual identity is so critically and incredibly important It's also an inherently political and feminist issue I know that it sounds like maybe kind of a wild thing to say that achieving orgasm is a political issue and an act of political Resistance, but it is a person with a clitoris and a person with a vagina Learning and empowering themselves and embracing and advocating for themselves particularly in relationship with folks who have penises But just generally is a very radical and important act for us to be encouraging in an attitude of non-shame And so this is why when people like kristen and bethy get on the internet and talk about like god's design Whatever like I don't care about the religious aspect of this so much as I do That they are prescribing to people the thing that is the opposite of what we know About exploring one's sexuality safely about all of the positive factors that come along with exploring your sexuality safely But also all of the other benefits that can come alongside sexual satisfaction and orgasm There are a number i'm going to list a thing in the description about like nine surprising benefits of uh Experiencing orgasm like this is a real thing that we have science to support Orgasm doesn't just exist for the purpose of sexual pleasure. It can serve a multitude of different purposes particularly Helping with your mental health it's great stress relief Like I said earlier, but it's also a really wonderful way To feel at home in your body If you're a person who has like body issues slowly and gradually exploring your own body and learning how to achieve pleasure for yourself Can be a wonderful act of self-love But it can also be a great way to introduce all of the chemicals that can sometimes be lacking when we are mentally ill Being a person who's like depressed or anxious or sad can feel Overwhelming sometimes and so when we have a tool in our tool belt To help us improve our overall emotional experience We would be remiss to not use that if it's something that feels safe for you if it's something that calls to you And so someone actively advocating for the opposite of that pushes my ******* buttons there is not a good enough reason when we look at the science when we look at the facts to discourage people from embracing and Exploring their sexuality in whatever way that that's safe and feasible for them And so I just am so tired of kristen and becky hiding behind these excuses like we're religious and so therefore it's fine Like no, it's not this is harmful. This is ******* hateful This is the opposite of all the things that we know about evidence-based practice in terms of research about mental health And so I just very much want to discourage anyone from hearing things like this or like especially if you're a purity culture survivor Please know um that first of all discussing this with your therapist is not weird I told aaron before we filmed this video i've answered the question. Am I masturbating wrong? Probably 500 times in my professional career i've had very open and frank discussions with people about genitals about like Do my genitals look different than everybody else's is the way that i'm having sex with people wrong? I can't orgasm. Maybe do I orgasm too much? Like these are all conversations that therapists can safely and like non-judgmentally host for people And so especially if you're a survivor of purity culture and this movement, please know therapists are not gonna like Like freak out about this issue It's something that we've had conversations about before At least good therapists should be very sex positive and like non-judgmental people to have these conversations with you We're like really on a rant now and i'm sweaty But I think you guys are like picking up make sure I just want to encourage people To whatever degree you feel called to it or it feels safe for you Know that masturbation and sexual exploration is not a shameful thing. It's not a bad thing It can be a very humanizing experience and also something that you can talk with your therapist about It was hard like i'll be honest Also, this video is loaded with innuendo And you know, I was like, yeah, you know, there are even like repercussions down the road Think about you just think oh, it's just like me doing this thing Like it's not hurting anyone like you don't even know And and it did impact my marriage and and there were it was for years You know where we had to it wasn't like all the time But just like work through it retrain for me was like retraining my body retraining like my thoughts even to be focused on They're like the here and now with my husband and enjoying our sexual intimacy Rather than my mind going to the places it would before the lustful places to experience that same sexual pleasure if that makes sense So if you're in that place or maybe you're single and you're thinking will this impact my marriage? I think for the majority of women it does but i've talked to it does impact their marriage it can if if it is if you Find it very easy to orgasm during masturbation but very difficult to orgasm with a partner I would the very first question that I would ask if this was raised in therapy Is have you communicated this to your partner? And to what means do you feel comfortable advocating for yourself? Because clearly there are Means through which you can orgasm. Is it feasible comfortable possible safe for you to incorporate those in sex with a partner? That's why in my little belusa ad reads I always talk about too That this is a toy that's good to use for sex with yourself or sex with a partner There is nothing wrong with using sex toys and a variety of different different implements fantasies included in having sex with yourself or with a partner if it's something that is safe for you that feels Empowering for you that you and your partner have both consented to and feel comfortable with I just very much disagree This premise that like masturbating is inherently wrong because it will make you like sex with your husband less If the person that you're having sex with is not interested or not validating or not a safe person for you to explore Whatever means you need to explore to orgasm very much want to encourage you to explore sex with another partner Great our camera overheated because I talked too much. So, uh, I don't know where we were We're just gonna jump back in you're single and you're thinking will this impact my marriage? I think for the majority of women it does that i've talked to it does impact their marriage. It can make Orgasms receiving pleasure from your husband harder because you have conditioned your body to experience it one way The way that you're doing it and that can be a hard transition So that's another thing to really think about I just also want to be clear There's lots of different ways to achieve orgasm and it is perfectly okay for you to experiment with a variety of means There's not like there's there's nothing wrong Achieving orgasm a variety of different ways. Some might say that variety is the spice of life, you know You know on top of all of the other things that's just like okay another thing that can make it really hard later on um, and I know some women have said like they it's really hard for them to Even experience an orgasm at all in marriage with their husband because of the patterns that they had prior to marriage Um in the habits, so that's just something they know. They're all alone in their husbands well the thing about this too is that like it is Relatively rare statistically speaking for people to experience orgasm from penetration alone I don't think we talk about this enough. Some people do experience orgasm, um through penetration alone Uh, especially if our anatomy lends itself to experiencing clitoral stimulation like the bulbs like we talked about earlier Um through penetration, but it is relatively rare And so please know if you are a person who has been trying penis in vagina sex With the expectation that you'll orgasm easily that way especially because of the things that the media tells us about that And you're not having any success with that. You are not broken. There is nothing wrong with you You are in fact exceedingly normal. This is so incredibly ******* common And that's why the number one sex toy that's consumed and bought by people with clitorises are clitoral stimulation toys This is so so so incredibly common and also for what it's worth relatively easy to incorporate in sex with a partner Like this is not there's a whole industry built around Simultaneously stimulating a clitoris while also being penetrated if that's something that calls to you So like just for what it's worth know that marriage for Like sexual intimacy that is its place within marriage. That is a beautiful place for it to be expressed. So don't give up Don't lose heart. Um work at it grow in it Just one little step at a time retraining your body retraining your mind taking thoughts captive training. Oh my god So don't give up and don't you know, don't just like uh, like it's i'm ruined like I can't ever Experience it beautifully with my husband also for what it's worth again. I'm not speaking about kristen I'm, not interested in speculating about the sexuality of anybody, but I do want to be super clear It is not uncommon for folks to deconstruct their religious views to leave the church Uh to go through like purity culture recovery and all of those things and to discover a queer identity Or like different sexual orientation. And so if that is something that you're noticing Particularly if you are feeling a lot of difficulty around experiencing sexual arousal for someone with a penis or like a you know Like a sort of stereotypical man, please know that comphet is like a very real thing Compulsory heterosexuality is something that a lot of people who have deconstructed and left the church have spoken about And there's an entire community of folks who speak about this and are very validating about this I'll link I don't know if you can still find the lesbian masterdoc I think you can but i'll link a thing about compulsory heterosexuality in the description Um because it can be very transformative and helpful for folks in the journey of like discovering their own selves outside of religion Yes, you can I believe you can and I believe god wants to restore that beautiful part of your marriage Regardless of what your past has held like how amazing that god intentionally made it So pleasurable so beautiful and obviously sin has has broken so much of that and distorted Um, there's so much sin and brokenness that comes with it now But it's not just like perfectly beautiful in every way like I get that 100% Hence the reason we're talking about our struggles here in this conversation Um, so sin has definitely impacted all aspects of our sexuality and our sexual desires and design But god has a plan and we can look at that plan Look at that bull's eye and we can aim toward that right? We don't have to be passively spinning around and or feeling like god is a killjoy like oh Why does religion forbid something pleasurable god is actually for our pleasure he created it It is awesome. What a gift he's given to humanity um sexual pleasure But within the right context for the right reasons in celebration of something bigger than ourselves of marriage Which ultimately the most amazing glorious part about all of this is that marriage between a man and a woman? That covenant is ultimately a reflection of christ's relationship with the church christ with his Okay, so she's gonna go on a tangent about that for a while listen this video has been long enough Uh, I do just want to close out by being super clear that this attitude That sex is beautiful and it's incredible and it's amazing and it's wonderful within the context of marriage But if it sounds like you're broken is inherently ******* problematic Kristen and bethy have made a very concerted effort recently to try to distance themselves from these sort of like og purity culture teachings as if they are all of a sudden very Uh progressive bethy loves to talk about her own sex life with dave and so they You know are making reels about this and talking about this trying to distance themselves from the very vocal community That's been harmed by purity culture and I want to be super clear if we are Still advocating for folks to immerse themselves in the culture that created the harm in the first place You cannot distance yourself from the harm that's being created Kristen and bethany are still very much teaching things that are harmful that are traumatizing that have negatively impacted people's mental health And so I do not give a ---- what type of verbiage they try to put around it to soften the blow or to make it seem less old and Misogynistic, um and hateful than it is. It is still the same We are we are just wrapping it up in a prettier picture and it is still harmful so again I also want to encourage folks to be mindful and to be conscientious because people like kristen and bethy and paul and morgan have made this effort to Very carefully craft the message that they are sending you in the hopes that it will be more Palatable and feel less like the purity culture that we all grew up with in the 2000s But it is inherently still the same and if we're prescribing that attitude You cannot excuse yourself from the consequences of that attitude or that culture rather This is again the conversation that we had about paul and morgan where we Don't need to invent solutions for the symptoms if we just allow people to remove themselves From the culture that creates the symptoms in the first place I just have very little patience for this worldview and for this attitude because again when we look at the like very clear facts and research and science behind Sexuality and masturbation and all these things we can see far and away that not only is this like not something that needs to be Shamed but it's also something that can create a lot of positive benefit in people's lives Both in the mental health regard and also in the physical health regard there again There's lots of stuff that i'm going to link in the description. I would encourage you to go look at it Um, we can see that people experience a range of different physical benefits, um, like medical benefits from masturbation But again that the research and the way that our nervous system and our brain works We know that masturbating if it's something that feels safe for you If it's something that you feel called to can very much be a wonderful way To practice self-care to practice self-love to explore your own body and sexuality and exploring self-love And there's just like a like I said a whole host of positive benefits that can come with that Also, can we talk about bullseye? Is she doing it on purpose? It's so hard you guys it's so hard. Okay I think i've said enough. I want to say thank you if you made it to the end of this video Um also again shout out to velosa for sponsoring this video because they're the realest Uh, if you like the video like the video subscribe to the channel We make content like this and we also do a cute educational moment every now and again So i'd love to have you stay Uh and share the video to help the channel grow and help each other grow and I will see you guys next saturday. Okay. Bye