Therapist Reviews I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy | Is This Healthy Grieving?

And I want to be super clear that that's not always the case. It is entirely possible to tease out that gray area and to find somewhere in between. OK. Hi, everybody. Thanks for coming back. If you've been here before or hi, welcome. If you're new, my name's Mickey. I'm a therapist. And we talk about therapists and things on this channel today. We're talking about something that I'm actually very excited to talk about. Jeanette McCurdy released her memoir called I'm Glad My Mom Died. This caught my eye because it has been sort of trending on TikTok. And I've seen just a lot of people talk about it. Generally, there's been a lot of press interviews, a lot of like about the title of the book. And so I was interested in it generally just as a person. But I decided to sit down and actually listen to the audio book because I literally couldn't find the paper copy of it anywhere. And I'm very, very glad that I did. I'm really excited to talk about it because I think she brings up a lot of very important and useful things to discuss in the realm of like trauma, healing and parental abuse, eating disorder, recovery, substance use, like lots of different things. Before we jump into it, though, I want to be super clear. This video does need to have a trigger warning for eating disorder and discussions of eating disorders or disordered eating and also for child abuse, childhood trauma and substance use and those types of things. Jeanette speaks very openly and like there are a lot of graphic descriptions of those topics in the book. And I'm not going to read them or play them for you here, but just know that we're going to be talking about those things in like pretty detailed ways. And so if that's not something that's safe for you right now, please feel free. Click this playlist up here. It's full of fun. I bleach stuff. Love you the most. Please take care of yourself. Before we get too deep into dissecting this video, I do want to pause really quickly to give a shout out to the sponsor of this week's video. Thank you so much to Vessi for sponsoring this video. If you have not heard of Vessi before, definitely listen up because these sneakers will change your life. Vessi makes waterproof, not water resistant, not weather resistant, but waterproof shoes that are so comfy and so cute and easy to wear. And they were kind enough to send me a pair that Aaron and I actually were able to take out on a walk. For those of you who don't know, I live in Arizona and monsoon season here is absolutely wild. The rain and the puddles and all of that is just like really a lot. And my biggest pet peeve is trying to go for my hot girl coffee walk and getting wet socks. And so I stress tested these shoes because, again, I don't want to promote things to my followers that I don't believe in or that I don't like. I tested them. I literally jumped around in a puddle. I will show you the footage of that now. And I really did my damndest. I was like scooping water onto my feet. My socks were completely dry afterwards. The reason that Vessi is able to keep your feet so dry is because they are made of Dymotex, which is a dual climate knit material that will keep you cool in the summer and warm in the winter. And like I mentioned before, they keep your feet completely dry in water and rain and splashes and mud and all of those things. Vessi's are also sustainably made and vegan, and they are the most comfortable freaking sneakers I've ever worn. Vessi's will forever be my airport and road trip shoes from now on because they are so easy to slip on and off and they are very comfortable to wear either for a long time or a short time. And if you didn't know any better, you think they're just like a really cute, stylish pair of sneakers. My favorite thing about Vessi's is that they are great for all climates, regardless of where you live. Like I said, living here in Arizona, it's very, very hot in the summer and very wet during monsoon season. And Vessi has me covered for both seasons. So regardless of where you live or what climate you're working in, Vessi's has you covered. Vessi's are definitely going to be my go to shoes next to the door, and I think they will be yours, too. So go click the link in my description and use my code to get $25 off each pair of adult Vessi's shoes. And definitely let me know what you think, because I love my Vessi's. Thank you again to Vessi for sponsoring this video. Let's jump back into talking about this book. I want to start off by saying that this is meant to be a discussion rather than an exhaustive review of everything that's in the book. This is like a little bit of a therapy book club, but not in the sense that I did a book report on the thing. I think especially after retooling the content types and more, I want to give myself the space to just speak about the parts that resonated with me, the parts that felt important to me, and especially the parts that I feel like are good learning moments for y'all. I don't want to make the video, first of all, unnecessarily long, but also put the pressure on myself to like dissect every little teeny tiny thing that's in the book. I want to encourage people to go read it or listen to the audio book if you haven't, because obviously this will that'll help in discussing the book. But even if you haven't read it, this is still going to be like general discussion about the broad strokes. First and foremost, I just want to comment on how refreshingly honest and open this book was about abuse and trauma and eating disorder recovery, because I think a lot of times the tendency is to speak about these things, especially when you're speaking about it from like a healed place, to speak about them very vaguely, to speak about them in like this kind of not like romanticized way, but like a lot of like the sort of Brene Brown take in discussing like childhood trauma or like abuse and things like that is very like inspirational. You know, like I'm trying to be inspirational with my trauma thing. And I think in Jeanette not making an intentional effort to do that, it ended up becoming inspirational in a different way. And so for those of you who are kind of like frustrated or don't really resonate with the like inspiration porn thing, you might find this book to be very refreshing because it's just like a very clear and blunt discussion about the traumatic things that Jeanette has lived through, which I think is like very much missing in this space. This book was something that I resonated with on a personal level. And I think for those of you who are also survivors of parental abuse, particularly maternal parental abuse or who have struggled with eating disorder recovery or substance use in those things, you might find this to be something you resonate with. And that actually is very healing to read. Although I want to be super clear. But as I was saying, this book might resonate with you like on a personal level if you've survived any of those things. But I do want to give a like strong word of caution for those of you who are in the middle of doing the work, because like I mentioned before, Jeanette speaks openly and like describes some of these instances in like graphic detail, graphic detail. But like there are clear and specific and explicit discussions about like eating disorder behaviors, especially. And so for those of you who might find that triggering, I want to be very clear to like approach this with caution. For those of you who don't know, I had an eating disorder relapse earlier this year. And even I, like after doing lots of therapy and like recovering and all the things, found some of those sections like hard to listen to and had to take some time to like care for myself afterwards. So I want to encourage people to be cautious and to give yourself an out if you need it. But if you're in a place where that feels safe for you, I do think that this memoir is actually like very healing to read. I know that it sounds like very heavy subject matter. And so like, how could that ever be helpful or healing? But one of the things that I encourage my clients to do in therapy all the time is to, you know, in a safe way, in a responsible way, seek out stories of people who have survived or are recovering from similar issues because it can feel very validating and just very helpful to know that like the experiences that you've had, the thoughts that you've had, the feelings that you've had about your recovery or about your trauma don't exist in a vacuum. You're not the only person to feel this way. And especially for somebody like Jeanette McCurdy, with, you know, such a like large presence in like the media space to speak about this openly, I think was like very helpful. And like just it's nice to have someone with a big public platform like that hold space for these types of abuses in like everyday life. One of the other things about this book that I really loved is that Jeanette spoke openly and honestly about the experiences that she had in childhood and like the abuse that she suffered. But she didn't do it in a way that a lot of people talk about abuse. And I think especially like in popular media, there is this perspective that child abuse has to look a certain way in order for it to be valid or for like your trauma to be like real enough. And Jeanette speaks openly about how for most of her like growing up years, she was under the impression that her relationship with her mom was perfectly healthy, perfectly normal and that her mom wasn't doing anything wrong, despite the fact that the abuse felt bad and she knew she didn't like it. She struggled to sort of make peace with labeling her mom as an abuser. And the reason I wanted to talk about this is because this so closely mirrors the work that I have done with folks in therapy where we, you know, might describe like objective events, only then to kind of realize as an adult, like, oh, ----, the childhood that I was actually abusive or like this person in my life that I thought was like, you know, perfectly OK and fine, actually did and said things that were very hurtful and like really deeply impacted my life and my sense of self. This is very important for us to talk about and to make peace with because the conversation around child abuse, like I said, it looks a very particular way, especially in popular media. And I think it can be hard for people to conceptualize that your trauma and like the negative impact that that's had on your life is so, so, so incredibly valid and real and also common. You're very much not alone in this. If you've experienced this for anybody who resonated with the things that Jeanette talks about in this book, please know that this is something that people regularly and commonly work through in therapy all the time. As a therapist, I have held space for folks doing this work. And as a human being, I have had therapists hold space for me to do this work. And it's again, it's more common and it's much more impactful than folks think it is. I want to be super clear that child abuse and trauma in childhood doesn't have to or always look like, you know, the sort of like mommy dearest trope. Sometimes child abuse is more subtle and these abusive relationships are really difficult for us to tease out the nuance in. And that's OK. One of the other things that I loved was that Jeanette discussed her experience with therapy and that she actually ghosted her first therapist that she worked with around these issues. I also wanted to normalize that. Don't get me wrong. I'm not advocating that you go to your therapist because it does kind of suck to be on the receiving end. But do please know that like lots of people do this because sometimes we get into work and Jeanette was talking about how she started to work on the eating disorder recovery aspect of things. And the therapist said, OK, great, we're treating the symptoms, but let's really dive into the cause. Where did this come from? You know, and started to ask some some careful questions about Jeanette's childhood and relationship with her mom. And that was just like all too much for Jeanette. I very much want to normalize this experience. Lots of folks go through this and have this moment. You're like, oh, ****, I'm not ready. Like, I'm not I'm not there yet. This is also why I always give my clients the caveat at every intake. I am so clear that if we do ever tiptoe into territory that you're like, I'm not ready, I'm not there yet. That's too much of a sore spot for me. I don't want to talk about it. I give all my clients carte blanche to tell me to **** off at any time. But if your therapist doesn't give you that caveat or even if that doesn't help and you don't feel safe, please know that it is OK for you to be like, I'll do that work in my own time. I love that she talked about this openly and didn't present her healing as this like linear thing of like, I realized that I was abused. I went to therapy and got better. And now it's better because it rarely looks that way. It is so incredibly common for people to take years and years to kind of gradually come to the realization that this was trauma or abuse at all, and then to very carefully and slowly work through that in their own time, in their own way. One other thing about the child abuse, parental abuse that I wanted to touch on here is the grief journey that Jeanette spoke about. Specifically for her, it was about the death of her mother and having to make peace with grieving the death of this person that she did love and that she did care about. But also that was deeply abusive to her. But I wanted to talk about this because this is a conversation that I host with clients a lot in regards to grieving the loss of a parental relationship. It is common for folks after doing the work to appropriately label abuse as abuse, to have this this deep sense of loss and sadness about that relationship and that parent, because even if your parent doesn't actually die like Jeanette's mother did, your perception of that relationship has forever changed now that you've done that work. And so I do want to be clear, if you've experienced this, like this is very valid and very normal. But also, if you are planning to embark on this work, please know that feeling might come up for you, which is OK. A lot of times it's important for us to make peace with the fact that the parental relationship that we should have had, that we deserve to have, the parental relationship that we wanted didn't exist and it might not ever exist if that parent isn't willing or able to do the work. And we have to let go of of this relationship that we thought we had or that we wanted to have or that we maybe have this like kind of illusion of like maybe one day we will have. Jeanette speaks in the very end of the book about sort of accidentally romanticizing that her her mother in death and sort of visualizing the two of them apologizing and crying and promising to start fresh and having the realization that if her mom were alive, that probably wouldn't have happened, that her mom was committed to being this person and was not open to being better or to working on herself. That's a very painful realization for people to have. And again, like something that I've helped people work through therapy, work through in therapy a lot. It's a lot harder than people think it is. And so I wanted to talk about that and hold some space for that, because if you're going through that, please know like people see you. You are so seen and so valid in that feeling. And like I said, if you're going to embark on this work, please know that that might happen for you. And if it does, that's OK. There are very much therapists and communities of people who are willing to hold space for you and to validate the **** out of those feelings because it's hard, it's difficult and it's confusing, especially it's sometimes more confusing if your parent is still alive because you have to reconceptualize how to interact with this person and to preserve your own safety. And it's a lot. It's very heady, difficult work. And I just am so happy and thankful that, again, somebody with a platform like Jeanette spoke about this so publicly. I also was really happy to hear the way that she talked about her inner turmoil in regards to wanting to be happy and to find her identity and her independence, but also this deep sense of shame and guilt that she had about setting boundaries with her mother, about separating from her mom in any meaningful way, because, again, this is something that a lot of people who have struggled with parental abuse, particularly maternal parental abuse, will resonate with. And it's a very difficult thing for us to unlearn. And also the reason I wanted to talk about this is because the ramifications of that norm in a parental relationship can very much affect the way that we view other relationships later in life. So if you are noticing this for yourself or if you are a person who finds it really, really difficult to set boundaries with people, you feel a deep sense of shame and guilt about setting your own boundaries or prioritizing your own needs. There may be some commonality there and it may be something that's worth perusing in therapy to discuss, you know, the origins of that. Where did this come from? Where did you learn that it was an act of betrayal for you to set boundaries and to voice your own needs? The like push and pull that happens there is very confusing, especially when we learned that pattern as a small child. And again, I just I'm really happy that she talked about this and and spoke about it in such an honest way. I think especially in popular media, and I've seen this actually a lot on TikTok and other like social medias, the perception around childhood or like parental abuse in childhood is very much that either like we are actively, you know, in relationship with the parent who abused us and like unable to separate or we've cut them off completely and we have no relationship with them at all. And it's sort of like one or the other. And I want to be super clear that that's not always the case. It is entirely possible to tease out that gray area and to find somewhere in between that preserves your safety, that keeps you comfortable and happy and allowed to set your boundaries and also doesn't have to look like going no contact, cold turkey, never talking to them again and lighting that relationship on fire forevermore. I think that's an important truth and nuance for us to talk about, especially in the vein of encouraging folks to unpack this and to go to therapy to work on it, because for a lot of people, the idea of cutting off your family cold turkey is very intimidating. And so the thought can be like, I'm not going to do that work. I don't want to. If my therapist is going to try to force me to cut off this relationship, I'm not there. I don't want to do that. And so therefore, I'm just not looking at it. I'm just not talking about it. And I wanted to host this conversation to be very clear that there are therapists who are able and willing to allow you to validate your abuse, to speak openly about that, to validate the impact that's had on your life and your feelings about that, and also to allow you to approach that relationship in whatever way makes sense for you and whatever way feels safest for you. And also that that's an ever evolving conversation. It's something that will change and grow and ebb and flow over time, which, again, is very human. It's very normal. One of the other things that I wanted to touch on is the eating disorder specific conversation, which I did give a trigger warning at the top. But I want to be clear, if you're in the middle of eating disorder recovery stuff, this conversation might be triggering for you. So I'll put a timestamp. Actually, it's probably just going to be the end of the video. So if this is an eating disorder button for you, this might be where you end the video. And that's perfectly OK. Again, take care of yourself. I thought that Jeanette did such an incredible job of describing the escalation of eating disorder and disordered eating behaviors over time. And again, I was just really thankful that she talked about this as openly as she did, because this is not something that we see represented in popular media or talked about as frankly and openly as she did, especially in regards to the like just stop rhetoric that exists around disordered eating behaviors and especially purging. There is a lot of like, if you don't want to do that, then just don't. And this is a fundamentally unhelpful thing to say to somebody with an eating disorder. And Jeanette describes this in the book. But there are like biological functions that take place when we are engaging in these behaviors. We get like a positive biological feedback from these disordered behaviors. When we're in this place of panic and overwhelm and our nervous system is like fucked up, purging or binging or restricting can trigger this nervous system response that feels very soothing to the distress that you're in. And so it creates this compulsive, addictive nature around the behavior. And it's not just as simple as like, stop doing it. It feels like you cannot control it or like you, you know, you don't know what you're going to do if you're not able to use this coping skill that you've been using previously. I think that's a very important shift for people to make in terms of talking about eating disorders. And it's not to say that this is an OK thing to do or that I'm encouraging this behavior because I want to be clear. I'm not. If you struggle with disordered eating, I very much want to encourage you to reach out to safe and trusted people and especially the links in the description to find a therapist to do that work. But I think especially in regards to people who are trying to support someone recovering from an eating disorder, this like, oh, you know, well, if you just don't do it anymore, then you'll be fine. Attitude is sometimes well-intentioned, but fundamentally unhelpful. And it's very important for us to familiarize ourselves with why people with eating disorders do the things that they do. And I thought Jeanette described this really beautifully, I guess, in this book. One other thing that I wanted to touch on really quickly. She does mention in the book that the eating disorder treatment she encountered required her to weigh herself at the beginning of every session. And I just wanted to like put a little asterisk on that, because especially for folks in fat bodies, this can feel very scary and traumatizing. And so I wanted to like, like I said, put an asterisk on that because there are great and wonderful and qualified eating disorder specialists who use this method. And there are also great and wonderful and qualified eating disorder specialists who do not. So if you are a person who read this or heard about this and was like, oh, I'm never going to eating disorder treatment ever. If it requires me to get on a scale, please know that that is not a foregone conclusion in eating disorder treatment. It's entirely possible for you to find a provider that doesn't have that as a non-negotiable in terms of treatment. So please know that going in. That's all of the points that I have that I wanted to discuss specifically. Again, just overall and like in a general sense, I think that the book is incredible. I very much want to encourage anyone who, again, is in a safe place and is able to absorb the subject matter safely to buy it, download it, read it, whatever. I get questions all the time about like if I can't go to therapy, you know, what can I do? Sometimes reading material like this or surrounding ourselves with media like this can be very validating and healing in a way. And so especially if you're a person who doesn't necessarily have the means to go to therapy right now, not that this is a replacement for therapy media and like videos on this channel, never a replacement for therapy, but it can still be healing. And it can also help you like a jumping off point to do some deeper thinking and to like really expose the thoughts and feelings that you have around this issue. And so I think this is like a great place to do that. I very much appreciate that Jeanette in sharing this with the world, what is like a deeply personal and private thing. She's helping to change the narrative around abuse and eating disorders and substance use, which is very necessary and very important. So I doubt that Jeanette McCurdy will ever see this. But if you do, thank you for writing this book and for sharing that with us, because it's important and it's necessary. And as a therapist, I just am delighted to see the transparency and the honesty here because it's very needed and like very, very helpful in healing. This is a book that I would so easily and happily recommend to my clients, again, who are like in a safe place. And so I'm happy to have this as like a resource there. If you guys have read the book, please let me know what your thoughts and feelings are in the comments. Like I said, this is not meant to be an exhaustive discussion of every single talking point in the book ever. These are just the things that are relevant to me and to the content type that we make here. So I wanted to discuss those, but I'm very much open to hearing your guys' thoughts and feelings about it in the comments. If you like the video, like the video, subscribe to the channel. We do make content like this. We also do like other types of stuff. So I'd love to have you stay, be a part of the fam and share the video to help the channel grow and to help each other grow. And I will see you guys next Saturday. OK, bye.