how I left a toxic and abusive relationship…

It's going to be a long video. If you want to stay and listen to my story, and maybe it will help you because you're in a toxic relationship, and help you escape or help you leave, may it be a man or a woman, then please stay with me. trigger warning there's domestic violence there's abuse so if this is if you're trying to watch a video that's more peaceful and happy and you have a good mood i would suggest you scroll scroll away because i have no idea what i'm about to say and i want this kind of to be raw there were times where i was thinking if i could die like if i got hit by a car or somehow got sick and died that i would finally be done with it i wouldn't have to think and consider how my actions are going to affect her because every time i wanted to leave i would be like yeah but it will break her heart um she would be by herself like there's no one to support her or she needs me in some way and i'm abandoning her i i'm a vital part of her life and my actions are going to hurt her and her family I don't want to be a quitter but but I was like but if I died then I wouldn't it's not my fault like I could just leave I could be done it hurt so much that I could just be gone and that's really sad I'm gonna laugh sometimes but trust me it's just so I don't cry I don't want to cry I remember I broke up with her three times and the first time I posted the second time I posted a video it was the official breakup like I posted a video and I said these are the qualities that she has that i cannot accept and these are my red lines like you can't do this you can't physically hit me like you can't hit me don't attack me that's that's that's one the second one is don't insult me don't call me stupid dumb piece of ---- ************ like any bad word like don't insult me and my third one is don't humiliate or mock me so when i'm telling you my feelings don't mock me like no no no no or roll your eyes or humiliate me in public like yell at me in public or that's it i said if you stop these three things i will die for you nope no she couldn't do it she hit me over and over again and i'll talk about that later because it's going to be a long video but i'm not ready for it i just don't know how it's going to come out you know um i'm going to try to be accountable in this video too I'm not gonna just say oh she did these things for no absolute reason I can understand why she did them but I cannot accept that she did them and I cannot accept that she didn't stop doing them I remember initially in a relationship first started crazy things happened that I totally just like let it go because I'm so in love with her and I still have love for her and i know that somewhere in her weird version of love that when she says and she cries and she tells me safi kais like i love you so much like i've never loved someone as much as i love you and she would cry to me she would weep to me she would like tears from her eyes would come down and she said i love you so much like i love you more than anyone in the world i would die without you she would say i would die without you and i would be like there's no way there's no way she's lying like there's no way that there's no love in those tears her face her her eyes her heart like i believed her every single time it's so hard to live with that like how can you say you love me and then hit me like how can you abuse me how can you call me a piece of ---- uh every bad word you could think of beneath dirt you like the things she would say to me when she was mad and then I would just let it go like because it was my fault you know she would she would say it's reactive abuse sorry my thoughts are going to be everywhere but she would say it's reactive abuse and I was with it how I'm very open-minded to hearing feedback so she would say you fail to understand me you deregulate my emotions and then when I'm really mad at you when i hit you or when i scream and throw things or when i humiliate you or when i mock you like when i roll my eyes when i insult you and your mother that's because you already made me angry so i have that's you can't control my reaction if you're the one who caused the harm and i would say okay i yeah if i keep poking you and you finally explode that is that is fair you know so i i would tell her like what did i do i would ask her in this voice and this tone in this uh vernacular this this this kind of temperament excuse me my chest really hurts and i really want to just talk to you about how you made me feel that was the poke hey like i'm really scared of you i don't know why like i'm so scared of telling you things and i feel like you hurt me um what like why'd you do that i don't understand why you're hurting me that would be the reason she justified her abuse when i would call her and say you're not allowed to do that like when i would be stern and say okay stop stop no you can't this is my red line you can't insult me do not insult me like i need you to say you're not going to insult me you're not going to call me a bitch you're not gonna call me a piece of ---- stop that is her she's saying that is what's making her so angry that i would defend myself that when i put a boundary that's me provoking her and i'm therefore oh my god i'm so i get so confused when i think about it because i when when you're in it you're so confused you're you're like but but i swear to god i don't even know why you're mad i really don't even understand why are you upset with me what did i what just explain it to me so i can understand i'm really having a hard time understanding why you're upset with me that's what i would always say that and then to her that's me not letting go of the fight when i would get so hurt sometimes i would want an answer like i would want an answer and i she always she would always tell me choose me over the fight choose me over the fight because you choose the fight over me every single time you don't let go of the fight and I'm like I see that I see that I see that I'm just so hurt I'm so hurt and I feel like you're doing the same things over and over again I just really don't want to let this go because if I let this go it's it's a it's gone and you will not talk about it later in the beginning of the relationship what things I noticed that I should have really just like left I should have left on our first date when I went to go see her there was a man it was her sister's boyfriend her sister's boyfriend he comes it's me my girlfriend and this man this man is sitting across from us my partner's sitting on my right i'm sitting right here this is the first week i met her this man goes to her food takes her chicken and starts ripping it apart in front of my face and like is feeding her my girlfriend is being fed by another man by his bare hands and I didn't I didn't overreact I just said is what you're doing a cultural thing like I've never seen someone do that it's making me feel uncomfortable that's what I said like why are you doing that he's like no no no no no and I let it go I was like that's fine no problem no fine but I brought it up to her later and I got punished for it that's the thing my friends okay if you get punished for the truth if you get punished for how you actually feel Run because that is the foundation of relationships It's to be able to open your chest and say this hurts this hurts this hurts. I don't care Why doesn't matter why this hurts this hurts this hurts and they look at it and say my poor baby That hurts that hurts that hurts You could come to me because when you give a punishment for the truth when you give a punishment for your honesty The relationship is gone. There is no if there's no communication. There's no relationship at least acknowledge that it made me feel uncomfortable i didn't say like don't do it if you could explain to me why it's a justified thing fine but you didn't you just got mad at me for feeling that way this is our whole relationship our whole relationship this is it i get hurt i ask her you hurt me please stop i would be punished punishment for feeling punishing punishment for existing oh god this is such a complicated video i'm so sorry guys i'm so sorry i believed for the longest time i am the problem i was like okay yeah it's me i'm too jealous like i'm obviously controlling i'm a i'm a controlling abusive man just like your father just like your father safi like you're literally abusive like your father you should let another man feed your wife you should just be like happy for that like and i would be like yeah yeah yeah but i'm not i'm like gaslighting myself i remember one time we were out in an amusement park and i was like hey this is such a cute moment like let's take a video of each other like i'm so excited she's like i'm tired and she yells at me like i was like and then my heart sinks to my stomach this would always happen okay in an abusive relationship i i don't know if you're going through this but you're having fun and all of a sudden she just screams at you i guess she's cranky but why not just say it in a normal way like it goes from zero to 100 um like say hey i'm really tired i really don't want to take a photo maybe next time uh you know that would be fine i'll be like of course no problem but it's not like that okay it's instant reactive like it's like a a landmine and i think it's used to control you i think it's used to like the unpredictability of it makes you so like you're walking around eggshells that you don't know what will explode and turn into a fight and then i'll be like okay and then she would just like humiliate me in public she would run away from me or she would get out of the car and run into traffic and I would have to like drive around and find her and get her and beg her like please come into the car please like I'm so sorry for having feelings god forbid please just get into the car it's dangerous you're gonna hit by something and now I have to care for her because she can get hit by a car and just abandon all of my feelings and then and then the apologies afterwards like I would have to apologize for feeling hurt for months remember that time remember that time you made me get out of the car in traffic and almost cause a car accident and scream at you in the mall remember that time I stormed out of the store because you said you don't I remember I remember um we went dancing I love dancing I love dancing so much and this is our first official time like dancing together and i was like hey look at this dance move like i could do a shuffle like i was excited to show her some of my dance moves i showed her like maybe two or three i'm like look at this one look at this one and she was like can you stop controlling me and telling me how to dance like really loud and everyone in like like around our vicinity just looked at us what did i do i literally i don't understand i'm so sorry i i was excited to show you some of my favorite dance moves no you're controlling me you're telling me how to dance okay you don't have to scream just say hey look you're teaching me I don't want to be taught just let me dance how I want to dance and I'll be like sure no problem go ahead like I didn't mean to I just was excited I'm sorry that fight turned so bad because that didn't happen she started mocking me in public like no no no no like I would I would say like I'm sorry I didn't understand i'm sorry i didn't understand and then everyone's looking and laughing at her they're laughing at us and what i did was i would cover my eyes like this i was like i would feel so embarrassed and she would be like you're embarrassed of me you're embarrassed of me and then she would just literally run she would just start running and i would have to chase after her but i loved her that's what i would tell myself i love her i love her i have so many stories i told her in the very end because i broke up with her three times this is the third time i'm done I'm done because she would she would cry and she would tell me I love you like and I would feel like oh my god I love you too like this finally like she's giving me a little bit she gives me a little bit and then just boom destroys me for the next month I remember breaking up with her and I posted on my social media and everybody was like you made the right choice this was the right thing to do so many good comments so many good comments I felt I felt so validated I was like yes I made the right choice because a lot of the time a lot of the time you know you're like i need to leave i need to leave you you make your escape plan i need to leave i need to leave but then when she cries that one time in that month she cries and says she loves you and pours her heart out to you you're like that's my baby forget everything i'm gonna die for you like i'm i'm dying for you that's it everything you did forgotten i i erase it i erase it i erase it baby you cried for me You showed me you love me. It's gone. Don't even worry about it. Don't even worry about it. That's it. It's reset button. And I post another video showing our love because now we're good again. We're good again. Until we're not. And it gets worse. I'm talking about there was a time where I would look into the mirror in the bathroom mirror. I took off my shirt. My arm was scratched up blood, bruises everywhere. Bruises on my body, scratch marks on my neck, bruises on my chest, a bruise on my face. and i'm just crying and the door is locked i'm just crying looking at all my bruises grown man like a grown man i could bench 235 pounds i can do 30 pull-ups i wrestled for literally six years i could destroy her i didn't because i saw her as like this i would tell her like i'm not gonna hurt you i'm not gonna but you need to stop hitting me you need to stop hitting me it's never okay to hit your partner it's never okay to raise your hand at your partner It's never okay to hit your partner Never okay I don't want to cry I don't want to cry I'm not going to cry I'm not going to cry I remember telling her Okay, I deregulate your emotions I'm a ---- person, right? Let me go Let me go Because I can't leave you I can't leave you I love you too much I can't leave you Just let me go Because I'm a bad person, right? I hurt you so much, right? Like I can't I can't understand you I can't give you what you need, right? So just break up with me Because we're both bad people I guess I guess we're both bad people right So go you, you go be you Someone else will love you, someone will provide for you Give you the money you need because I spent 30 plus thousand dollars on this person I paid for her rent, I paid for everything Like okay I'm not enough She would always say you don't even meet bare minimum Bare minimum, this is bare minimum Bare minimum, I hate that word I hate that word because Your bare minimum was my everything Everything I gave up my family for you. You would tell me that you she would get jealous of my family You choose me over your mom, right? She would say I would say yes Of course, my wife comes before my mom and I love my mom. It's my mom. I love my mom I told my mom because I was hiding everything from her. I told it to her. She's like she's a case Safi it breaks my heart because why do you think you deserve that? What did I do to you? What did I do to you as a mom that made you think you deserve that abuse and now that I leave? Oh, I want you back. I want you back. I don't want you back. I don't want you I don't I want myself back. I don't even remember the last time I was happy