"Emotionally Unavailable Men: Can They Ever Love Somebody?"

Have you fallen for an emotionally unavailable guy but you're not sure if they're actually capable of love? Perhaps they keep pulling away or they're putting up walls and they're hot one minute and cold the next and you want to know if it's worth waiting around for them, if things will change or get back to the way they were in the honeymoon phase. In this video I'm going to show you how emotionally unavailable men fall in love and how to know if you should stick around and make it work with them or not. Until I learned how emotionally unavailable men fall in love I was struggling to understand what was going on when they were hot one minute and cold the next and once I understood this type of love they have to offer I was able to discern not only what was the right choice for me but also to understand why I kept attracting these same kinds of emotionally unavailable men. Welcome back to my channel if you're new here I'm Amy, I help emotionally unavailable women heal their abandonment issues that cause their unhealthy relationship patterns so they can become emotionally available and open to healthy authentic relationships. If you need help with this I encourage you to book a call to speak with me about working together inside my program Heal Your Heart School. If you asked an emotionally unavailable man if he can love he would probably say yes and I would not disagree with that answer but this comes with nuance. Emotionally unavailable men can love for sure but is it the kind of love that you deserve? Probably not. Their definition of love is probably different from the kind of love you are seeking and deserve and the reason emotionally unavailable men are that way is because they're disconnected from parts of themselves that would otherwise allow them to connect in a healthy way with someone and provide the grounds for a committed consistent healthy relationship. So the fact that they're emotionally unavailable means that they have limited means to connect to someone in a relationship. They just can't go deep. They have superficial relationships that are probably satisfying to them. Now the depths they can connect with someone probably varies with the person they're attempting to connect with. Sometimes an emotionally unavailable man will have a narrative that there's been one really significant person in their life that they've been deeply in love with. Chances are that person has replicated even more significantly the wounds and trauma that's causing that person to be emotionally unavailable. It's triggered and lit up their attachment wounds for them in a way that's been so mind-blowing and also devastating. The relationship probably ended and blew up in their face because if you don't have the tools to deal with your triggers and the wounds as they arise you won't be able to work through conflict uncertainty and changes in a relationship which are all inevitable in all relationships and the pattern of relationships ending abruptly was probably a pattern for them in relationships to some degree or other. So if you're waiting around for someone who's emotionally unavailable if you're in a relationship with them or dating them or wondering whether you can have a healthy relationship with them know that the capacity they have to love has limitations. It's up to you to discern whether that's acceptable for you or not because yes they may seem like they can love but it's probably not going to translate into the emotional support you deserve, the kind of communication that would make a healthy relationship stable and consistent and it certainly won't translate into the kind of connection that you probably crave and desire so you'll always be left feeling like you're getting breadcrumbs or feeling empty and alone. Now if you know me and this channel you know I speak from personal experience only which is why I speak in binary terms about emotionally unavailable men. I've dated both emotionally unavailable men and have been emotionally unavailable in my past and healed that so I want you to imagine someone who is carrying trauma that keeps them cut off from the skills and abilities to have healthy deep secure attachment. An emotionally unavailable person won't look any different from someone who is emotionally available and healthy but just beneath the energetic surface of them are bundles of attachment wounds, trauma, insecurities and fears running their life. We all have these attachment insecurities and traumas but this is running their life to a degree that they're not aware of it and if you start dating someone or if you're in a relationship with them it won't take long to press beneath the surface to where you get to that point where they jump back right. You've hit their limit they pull back or they ask for space or they say they're not ready for a relationship yet or they just turn around and reject you or they change personality seemingly overnight. It might take weeks or a few months to see it but just beneath the surface is a huge fear of vulnerability, fear of deeper emotions, fear of commitment, fear of rejection when they're deeply in love so they just don't allow themselves to go there. They also have a deep fear of change there's probably a need for a lot of routine consistency and predictability in their life which feeds their need for control which you would be on the receiving end of right control allows them to manage their fear of change. They have also a fear of intimacy, true intimacy and they may have adapted their intimacy needs to be purely sexual so they can get those feel-good chemicals without having to be intimate and there's a real feature of independence and need for space and detachment with someone who's emotionally unavailable. If you look into their past they probably had to deal with a lot of emotional upbringing on their own. Children left to deal with strong emotions and life changes like divorces and trauma they just don't have the skills to deal with that in a healthy way. They needed a mature adult brain and nervous system to co-regulate with them when they're a child in order to process what was going on and to know that it's safe to feel those feelings that it's okay to love someone and then grieve when something happens and changes and that it's not going to be the end of the world, they're not going to die, those feelings are okay. But when a child didn't have that kind of upbringing and that chance to process those things with someone who's mature that they can anchor to, they're left dealing with their strong emotions or life changes on their own and they will naturally be extremely afraid of those emotions because they didn't know how to process them when they were left alone a lot as a child. So they've learned to avoid deeper emotions and to deal with life on their own. Now if you imagine a lioness and her cubs, if she leaves one of those cubs out in the wilderness to survive the cub is going to die right? The cub does not have the survival skills of a mature adult to deal with the world. That's emotionally what's happened to someone who's unavailable. They were effectively left alone to process their emotions and they didn't have the connection that they needed to survive those emotions. So they learned maladaptive coping strategies to be able to survive on their own. So for them to actually go to the depths of feeling deep love, expressing vulnerability, being flexible around change and being open to different ways of doing things and relying on someone, that all goes against their coping strategies. It's completely not in their nature because they learned how to survive on their own by taking charge, by being in control of what they could control, just like when they were young. So the way they naturally do romantic relationships in order to stay safe goes against the kind of vulnerability, honesty and transparency that healthy relationships require to operate and function. And unless that person's willing to learn new ways of doing things and address the trauma that's causing their patterns, they will continue to live this way. And many people who are emotionally unavailable find someone that matches their level of emotional unavailability. They have this imperfect relationship that sometimes works for them, sometimes doesn't. It might be traumatic and chaotic and unpleasant, but they just kind of stick together by a thin thread, right? And those people might have chronic health conditions because they're living in this chronic state of emotional turmoil and distress. Or they're completely numbed out from each other and just living in a bubble just to get their basic companionship needs met. And they're just co-existing in a relationship, not even friends, just kind of flatmates. Now, if those are the kinds of relationships you want to have, by all means, wait for your emotionally unavailable man. But honestly, you deserve more. You deserve a lot more. And this begs the question, why are you considering making things work with someone who clearly can't show up for you and hasn't historically? You wouldn't be watching this video if things were going well and that person was showing up in a healthy way, right? There've been red flags and issues and things are now getting worse and you left feeling abandoned or rejected. And maybe this is a pattern for you. You tend to fall deeply in love with emotionally unavailable people. The real answer here is that on some level, you are probably emotionally unavailable yourself. Maybe you also grew up in an environment where you didn't receive the kind of love you deserved. Maybe love was scarce and you spent a lot of time on your own trying to process strong emotions. Maybe you were sent to your room a lot, or there was significant abandonment, like a divorce happened, you come from a broken home, or maybe a parent left unexpectedly. Or maybe you came from a loving home, but just had parents who were cut off from their own emotions. They were also emotionally unavailable and they were living together in a space, but just weren't particularly connected and certainly not attuned to you. They couldn't connect to you. And you just learned some of these maladaptive behaviors that lead you to have fears around intimacy and commitment. You might struggle to trust people because inherently people in your relationships haven't been trustworthy and you've never learned healthy intimacy or relating. Other aspects of emotional unavailability might show up as you being a perfectionist, which relates back to my earlier point around control, or self-sabotaging because on a subconscious level, you don't feel worthy of anything better. And you might struggle with conflict because you take things personally or have deep shame and feelings of unworthiness inside. Maybe you notice you need distance a lot of the time. You have a belief that you should do things on your own. These are all aspects of emotional unavailability, keeping you from attracting or being attracted to someone who's healthy. If you're emotionally unavailable, you are more likely to be attracted to someone who replicates your wounds, who fits into your wounds like dovetail joints, rather than someone who's healthy, available, keen on you, consistent, and communicates well. Your internal wounding might be repelled by that or think it's boring. Maybe you've been with someone healthy and it's been so consistent and level that your nervous system that's used to the roller coaster of uncertainty and that dynamic of chasing and needing to feel chosen and the constant cycle of rupture and repair, your nervous system doesn't recognize consistency and predictability as love. Your nervous system's been trained to experience chaotic, unreliable love because of how you were brought up. So I really encourage you to ask yourself if you have blind spots in your ability to attach healthily. And if you do, recognize that in order to feel worthy of healthy love and to attract that, you need to train your nervous system to relearn that consistency, predictability, and deep bonding has its own incredible depth and rewards far beyond the superficial dopamine hits of an exciting but uncertain relationship with someone who also has wounds causing them to be emotionally unavailable. Now, if you want to know how to do this, I teach this skill in Heal Your Heart School and I really encourage you to book a call with me to speak and we can chat about whether we're fit to work together. In the meantime, here are some next step videos for you to watch so you can move one step closer to being emotionally available and open to healthy relationship dynamics. And for now, I'll see you in the next video.