Don Rickles Roasts Denzel Washington & Dave | David Letterman

Don, how are you? I can't believe it. What a build-up. Great, great. Now I'll talk to the dummy. How are you, Dave? I'm good. Happy New Year. Good to see you. Oh, good to see you, Dave. Happy New Year. Thank you very much. Happy New Year. Like you got up on New Year's Eve and said, I wonder how Rickles is. Sure. Well, I'm always thinking about you a little bit. Sure you are. And I'm Adolf Hitler. Now, wait a minute. Why did I say Adolf Hitler? Now, Don, I... You don't have to laugh. Just look at me. I heard that you... Why is he sitting here? Does he have to clean up or something? He taught me a war and everything else and he's sitting here with a little Jew. You're not going to go anyplace with me. Now, listen. Speaking of not being in somebody's movie... Why are you pointing? I'm here. I see. This is the district attorney. Now, there's this wonderful documentary about your life on HBO. Correct. All of your friends. I'm not in it. Because you hide out. No, no, no. No, you're in the Midwest sitting there with your child and your girl and nobody knows what the hell you're doing. That's it. And you sit there with a cowboy hat going, I'm not going to be on with that Jew. No. Anyway, I wish... It was interesting about Denzel the Doctor. That was great. Big star. 20 minutes with Denzel the Doctor. I found it fascinating. Well, sure. That's why you got this show. But anyway, I enjoyed the documentary and it must have been a great experience for you. It was. It was exciting. John Landis, the director. But it was a shame you weren't in it, Dave. I know. I know. And that's not right, Dave. We've been friends a long time. Exactly. And you're not that big that you can't be in it. I know. I wanted to be... I tried to be in it. Don't beg now. Don't beg. The guy comes into town and he says, okay, I'll be here two days. And I said, well, I'm not even in town. And he said, okay, goodbye. How do you think that made me feel? I hope bad. And Denzel, you weren't in it. I wanted to be. Don't need to holler at me, Denzel. We all wanted to be in it, Don. Denzel wanted... No, Denzel was busy doing movies. He does everything. Direct. Roll them. Print it. Direct. Roll them. Print it. Now, you've had... His son's playing football. Go 27 blue. 27 blue. But you've had quite a film career yourself. Oh, I'm bigger than him. Yeah. You worked with Clark Gable. Remember Clark Gable? Yes, sir. Oh, boy. Burt Lancaster? Yeah. First movie I ever did. Came on the... In those days, it was United. And it was a submarine picture. They didn't go on location. I talked to him because I could go someplace with him. Fair enough. If he's sweet enough to sit here when I'm on, I gotta talk to this man. All right. Because you, it's once a year and goodbye. I know. I'll be back tomorrow. Yeah. This man, you know, one phone call and there we are. Denzel and Don Rickles. I don't see that happening. Like Frank. That's wrong. Yeah. It's Rickles and Denzel. Yeah. That's right. Because that happened at Radio City Music Hall. It was Don Rickles and Frank Sinatra. We worked together. You remember Frank Sinatra? Yes, sir. He was great. Rest his soul. I say a lot of funny things about him because he's dead. Anyway, if he were alive, I wouldn't be saying that. No, of course not. I'd be sitting here going, walk on, walk on. Okay, now that's enough. Now, so anyway... See, when that guy sings, the kids get worse. Oh, now, now listen. Well, I forgot what I was going to say. Pull yourself together. Alzheimer's, Alzheimer's. I can tell. The glasses are fogging up. I can tell. Alzheimer's. You're working with Clark Gable. Why do you keep doing this all the time? You got a little box in your hand? What the hell's that? I'm working with a magic guy for crying out loud. This is a good expression. Do that in a movie. Yeah. A story. Speaking of Frank Sinatra, you're all in the French Riviera. The French, what are they called? French Riviera. Yeah, right. That's what I call it. And you're in Monaco, someplace like that. Monaco, that's what it was. And you're having a big dinner. You, Frank, Frank's buddy, Jilly. Yeah. A lot of folks. Well, what really happened is Frank Sinatra, God rest his soul, was a great man to me. He was a great, great booster of mine. And I traveled with him to Europe. We wound up in, as you said, the Riviera on one of the trips, my wife and his wife and so forth. And he'd send all the wives. He'd send the wives, go to bed. You got to go to bed. And you got to sit with him and drink the vodka, you know. Which I didn't mind, but on the third barrel. I used to sit there and think I was on the Titanic. I like my vodka. But it started dripping down the pants. Not good. So anyway, we're sitting there in this bar. And it's about 5, 6 in the morning. Frank's going, to the king, to anybody, you know. Boom. The summer wind. So we're sitting there, David, and we're having a drink. And Jilly and I, God rest his soul, we're sitting. And lightning comes. And it's a big bay window by the bar. Ba-ba-boom. And Frank's drinking. He said, I want you and Jilly to go out and tell them damn photographers to stop taking my pictures. And Jilly went out. Jilly and I went out in tuxedos like morons in the rain. Thank God the storm stopped. We came back. He said, it's over, Frank. It's stopped. He said, good. Because otherwise we'd be walking around in a wheelchair. But he was great. He did a lot of crazy things. Am I right? His wife and your wife have the same name? Frank's wife and your wife? What are you, a detective? Yeah, I'm a detective. That's right. I mean, you come up with these remarks. They have the same name, don't they? This is a one hour show and a dumbbell comes up and they got the same name. Let's go back to Dr. Denzel. It just occurred to me that I... What a night this has been. Finding out who we know and what our names are. That's right, sure. Now... Denzel was... There's medication for that, Dave. A man makes $40 billion a year and he sits there with two major people going... Now, Denzel was talking about his... Did a movie about a guy who was an organized criminal. Yes, sir. The Gags is magnificent. Now, did you... A long time ago in Las Vegas... They're all dead. Stop being nervous. They're dead. Did you have any relationships or acquaintances? Yes, I did. Experiences? I worked... I headlined the Copacabana many, many years ago and everybody came in and sat ringside and went... At what time does he go on? And they all had the little sling guns. They're going... Oh, the kid's... The kid better... They had your problem. The kid better be funny. Anyway, so there was one guy. I won't mention his name. He was an important... Very well-known gangster. And my mother... If she was alive, she would have been great with your mom. Because my mother... My mother was sort of a Jew Patton. My mother was the type of person... Good evening, how are you? And I go... Gee, Ma, take it easy. Stop being self-conscious. What's the matter with you? How are you? She had a megaphone. So now, she was very strong, very educated. And we were sitting at the bar, and a note comes over and says, so-and-so wants to see you. So my manager at the time, Joe Scandoria, he was my... Elliot Weissman's my manager now. I throw it at him so he don't have a nervous breakdown in Florida. He always talk like this. He talk like this. I want to put a feather on a can and make him a bird for Christmas. Don't go over, but just talk a few minutes to him, and that's it. That's it. Dave, I'm over here. Could you look over here? I'm talking. He's looking at the monitor 75 feet away. Anyway, so Dave... So we're sitting there, and walk over, and I sit down and say, hi, Guy, hi, Guido. They're all Guido, Tony, or Carmine. There's no Irving or Max. Jews don't do that. We own the club, and we do what they tell us. Anyway... That joke could cost me. So we're sitting at the table, and I start to talk, and my mother walks over. She says, I'm sorry. Tony... We'll say it's Tony. Tony, darling, there's no conversation. The boys must put the guns on the table. I swear to God, and all of a sudden, cannons come out on the table. All the guns are on the table. She says, now talk to them. And I sat there like a moron while guns were sitting there. Wow. Are you focusing on it? I'm right there with you. I know we're running late, but I have a favor to ask you. Who cares? In an hour, they'll shut it off. Okay. Tell us the story about the time... If I could. Yeah. About the time Frank Sinatra saved Shecky Green's life. Please tell us this story. Well, all I know is that Shecky at the time... You know, it's Shecky's story. They got after him because he was kidding around. He said something about some mob guys, and I don't know. They didn't like it. And it's really not my story. And they caught him backstage in a hotel, and they started beating him up. Caught by... They were beating the crap out of him. And Jilly walked over, and Frank walked over, and Frank said, I think that's enough. Saved the man's life. Yeah, saved the man's life. Listen, Don, always a pleasure. Congratulations on the documentary. There's the brush off. You have to go.